the joys of family dynamics

So while I went to New England for a conference, my Mom went to DC to visit my brother. Got to see my aunt who lives in Boston, and she asked about big brother's "ceremony".
What ceremony?
The one your mother went to.
What ceremony?
He's pinning on another star...

(Big brother is a rocket scientist in the USAF, has made every promotion on the first go round) So now he's a 2 star General, and going to turn 50 next month.

I am miffed that I wasn't told or invited. And jealous that he hasn't had to struggle in his career. Didn't struggle in school, never faced being laid off (3 times for me, survived one cut, so laid off twice). I feel like he's had his career handed to him on a sliver platter, while I've clawed my way to where I am now (I also have *issues* with folks 20 years younger than me in my office who think that after being there a couple of years they *deserve* to be the same pay grade I am (highest you can go without being a supervisor). I'm not even sure I can afford to retire when I'm elegible in 10 years. And the way I currently feel, I want to retire in then. OK - it doesn't help that I work in the most stressed out office in the entire Corps of Engineers (and that includes the Baghdad office!).

So how do I deal with these feelings. Grumble grumble grumble. If there was a chocolate cake in the house, I'd eat all if it....

I'd go out and buy a chocolate cake...

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Originally Posted by KnottedYet

I'd go out and buy a chocolate cake...

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Ditto.

And then after I was stuffed with cake, I would sit down and write down everything that is good in my life and what I have to be thankful for.

Dear BMC,

I don't think there exist a PERFECT FAMILY. There always is a black sheep. You remember the saying by Tommy Smothers "Mom liked you the best!"
And other odd family dynamics.

Beaver family is just a figment of our imagination and so was Father knows best.

Well its very impressive your brother made 2stars . As to why you were left out, maybe no one was thinking about the rest of the family... an oversight perhaps. Lot of times it comes down to "Well honey, we didn't think you would be interested, besides you are always so busy." Its a standard line I hear.

And job side of things: Men in mgmt still hold onto some very odd notion. Women are not the bread winner so she can lose the job. Men are the bread winner so we CAN'T lay him off. Heavens NOOOO how will he take care of his family if he was laid off? Well they don't ask us. I'm not married. If I don't get paid, how am I supposed to pay all my bills. It never occures in the thick male head. hmm I think I only make about 80 cents on the dollar for comparable male. I think I have more expense then the comparable guy but LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR. AND NEVER WILL :(

I'm sorry BMC, I just don't have any answers... chocolate cake sounds good though

smilingcat

Why would they not let you know? Has it always been this way?
Hey, you always have us.

Cake will only make matters worse but new Asics never hurt anybody.
(I bought two pair today)

{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}

You're not alone. There were plenty of incidents like this in my family years ago. No idea if there are now - I separated myself from them a long time ago. I'm happy now. :o As for work, well, I don't have a solution there. It's the way of the world, unfortunately.

Think of us as your family!

Go ahead and vent, be angry, let it out. And then let the anger float away on butterfly wings. You've got stuff to do! How are those fur kids? And how was the MS150?

Hugs,
~T~

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Originally Posted by bmccasland

So how do I deal with these feelings. Grumble grumble grumble. If there was a chocolate cake in the house, I'd eat all if it....

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I doubt that I'd be able to follow my own advice, but if you wanted to you COULD, if you're usually fairly close to him, send him a an e-mail or something saying "Hi - congratulations with the star! To be completely honest I'm a bit sad you didn't invite me because I would have liked to be there, but I'm happy for you anyway and hope you had a nice day." Or something like that.

Because maybe he thought you just wouldn't be interested, or maybe he didn't want to look like a show-off or something. Parents are a bit different, you're supposed to show off to them even if you're 50 :)

If it's any consolation my family is really screwed up and does this sort of thing all the time. I was going to write some stories but they're just too darn complicated. Suffice to say that half of them aren't on speaking terms, and consider their petty squabbles more important than anything and anyone else. I try to just relate to the sane ones.

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Originally Posted by KSH

... I would sit down and write down everything that is good in my life and what I have to be thankful for.

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I agree with this and don't forget that there's something very normal about the emotions you're experiencing.

As to your brother,

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I suspect your brother is sensitive to your feelings and didn't want to make you feel bad by telling you about the promotion...:confused: On the other hand, whenever something good has happened to me professionally, my parents get VERY upset when I don't tell them. Why don't I? Well, I did my job...that's all it was to me.

But I also encourage you to congratulate him...I'm glad that we have "rocket scientists" in the government and that experienced scientists are receiving the incentives to keep experienced ones motivated in public service...:)

Why can't we all just get along?
I'm in the dysfunctional family club too. I have worked really hard to reach out especially to my brother.
Haven't gotten very far.
Now I'm proud of myself for trying to do the right thing. Years from now, I'll know that I tried to open the door. I was kind and generous.
Search your heart and set a good example.
Barb

Wow! This just made me want to go hug my big sis who's visiting now - but she's still sleep. :p

I don't know... it seems to me you'd have to work a least a little bit to be a rocket scientist. And being a two star general has got to carry some heavy duty stress. I doubt his life is really all that cushy. And I think that if you get passed over your first time around for promotion as an officer in the military, you're unlikely to get promoted the second time. And you don't get a third chance. That info comes from a good friend - major in the Marine Corps.

Ask him why he didn't tell you. There could be all kinds of good reasons why he didn't tell you.

Is it really his fault that you've had to struggle in your chosen field? Is that really something you should be angry at him for?

I'm not asking this to be mean, but just to help you put some perspective on it. It sounds like you're really unhappy with your work environment and maybe it's time to look around at what else you can do - either in your field or something else. Change can be good.

I wouldn't eat all the chocolate cake though. A slice or two should be enough. :D

V.

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Originally Posted by KSH

Ditto.

And then after I was stuffed with cake, I would sit down and write down everything that is good in my life and what I have to be thankful for.

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+1!

Karen

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Ask him why he didn't tell you. There could be all kinds of good reasons why he didn't tell you.

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And to what Mr. Silver said about not thinking much of it (although getting a second star is a Big Deal).

Maybe your mom is the one to blame? Maybe he didn't want a fuss, and she insisted on coming? My mother has done things that caused rifts between me and my older brother by doing stuff like that.

My oldest son is very private about his success, too. When he came home from Iraq, his commander ordered him to speak to the media that day, and he REALLY didn't want to, so he gave one-word answers even though he's very articulate. He didn't think he'd done anything special. He didn't want the attention. He thought his homecoming should be private.

Some people are just like that.

I doubt your brother's life was without struggle, either. Men don't always let people know their struggles. Give a little grace, and it will come back to you.

Karen

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Originally Posted by lph

I doubt that I'd be able to follow my own advice, but if you wanted to you COULD, if you're usually fairly close to him, send him a an e-mail or something saying "Hi - congratulations with the star! To be completely honest I'm a bit sad you didn't invite me because I would have liked to be there, but I'm happy for you anyway and hope you had a nice day." Or something like that.

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I really like this advice. Maybe he just thought you wouldn't be interested, or it would hurt your feelings to flaunt this in your face. It does sound like just finding out did indeed at list rile up some feelings of sibling rivalry, so maybe he just didn't want to cause you any pain. So, a congratualtions, and letting him know you would have liked to be there would make sure this doesn't happen again (assuming that is how you really feel!). I also like Veronica's advice. Your brother's success has nothing to do with any unhappiness you may feel about your own career choices or life. Could further education or training change your present situation for the better? Instead of chocolate cake, why not focus that energy on what you can do to enjoy your own life more?

BMC, maybe it's time for a job change? If you're doing what you love, it won't feel like a struggle. If you're not going to be able to afford to retire based on your salary at this job, you could be stuck there forever. You can find something else more rewarding, something where you won't be counting the days until retirement. It may mean a paycut, but trust me, happiness is priceless--it will be worth it.

Dang! remember; you can pick your friends, but not your family. I would be just as upset and irritated as you are.. But do congratulate your bro. Even if he doesn't deserve it.

I'm thankful for these threads that keep me grounded and make me think. I understand what you are dealing with and it's not easy.

Life's not always fair. It doesn't seem fair when some seem to get all the lucky breaks and others don't. It's often difficult to celebrate with someone when we are envious of there achievement or wishing we had similar opportunities.

I know at times in my old life we have been on the lucky end (mostly because of what my husband has accomplished and not me) but I have been hesitant to share it with my family because they are envious. To my family it probably appears that we have it easy, but my husband and I have worked hard for everything we have. The occasional "lucky breaks" couldn't be helped.

It's also hard to toot your own horn. Is it possible that your brother knows how you feel and wanted to spare your feelings?

I see it as a character building opportunity for you to try to take yourself out of it and congratulate your brother and be proud for him.

Hugs to you.

Thanks ladies and gent - Haven't made any chocolate cake, yet. But there IS a bag of chocolate muffin mix I bought by mistake, that if I doctored...

Yes Big Brother did *work* - but then he's also a genius. Graduated top of his class at the Air Force Academy (first time he actually had to work for grades), then got Masters and PhD from MIT. Astronautical Engineering = "rocket scientist". While in high school, his nickname was Mr. Spock. Which was very fitting. The man doesn't show emotion very often. And having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth.

ME -- average student, I worked for the A & B's in H.S. Then got really challenged in college, flunked a couple of classes. Discovered I don't learn by rote memorization. Never went to grad school. But I do like to read. I just have to go over and over and over something to learn it. I like biology, and most of those jobs are *soft* money (ie, grants), so when the grant runs out, you go. Also most jobs are government, which are sometimes dependant on the whims of the capitol (county, state, or federal). I like being a biologist. Today I got paid to go ride around a flat boat all day with an interagency team assessing a proposed swamp/marsh recovery project. In the rain, driving rain. (that made it work). The stress around here really is the Hurricane Katrina recovery. Sometimes I think about moving away, especially since I have no family ties to New Orleans. On the other hand, with the depressed housing market, I'm not sure I could sell my house for a decent price (like recover my down payment and pay off the loan + the second that paid for the bathroom repair). And frankly I'm tired of starting over. I do have good friends here, and that means a lot.

Thanks for letting me grumble. And whoever told me that life can be fair LIED!! but I knew that already

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Originally Posted by bmccasland

And whoever told me that life can be fair LIED!!

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I can't believe somebody actually told you that! :eek:

Hugs and happiness butterflies,
~T~

Girl, I keep forgetting! You are only an hour and a half from me! You should move here! Everybody else and his brother has from down there.

They have biologist in hubby's line of work. He said to tell you to go to USA JOBS and check out jobs.

He is retired federal, (now working for the state of MS). It was good to us.

Feel free to grumble any time. ;)

I admire biologists.
Alot.
When I went back to college I was amazed to find out how much I liked biology, it's fascinating how everything works as one big co-dependent system.

If I could live my life over and not make the bonehead mistakes I did I'd prolly be a physical therapist or a biologist. it may not seem like it to you but you're doing important work. You don't need stars on your collar to know that.

I was one of the NG Troops in New Orleans after Katrina. We got there about a week after the levees let go. I still don't know how to describe the experience. The smell of crap, burning buildings, rotten meat and the occasional corpse is still burned into my memory.

Still, it was probably easier for me than one of my buddies who grew up in New Orleans.

Hell is relative.

Beth, I may be stating the obvious, but it's not your brother's fault he's a genius...but it's also not clear to me that the "Dr. Spock" nickname was a compliment either...there are often "social trade-offs" that come with extreme intelligence...but enough about him.

As to you: WOW! A biologist in the Mississippi Delta, an area that has been environmentally devastated following Katrina. I know that you can be anywhere you want to be...but it seems to me that you've chosen that place for a reason...even if it is the most humid place in the world;)

As a guy who got a "c" in biology in high school and avoided it in college, I'm glad that we have people like you who enjoy and are committed to working on the things you do as well.