Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

My husband barely knows my riding buddy. But he dislikes him and is jealous when we ride together. Good riding buddies are hard to come by and I'm not sure what to do.

A little more background: he has no cause to be jealous. We are just riding buddies and nothing more. Although there seem to be hordes of women on TE, there just don't seem to be many women cyclists in my area! Or else they seem to be of two extremes--super serious and way faster, or recreational and way slower and can't go as far.

I do ride a lot with my husband, who is in the "way slower" (but improving) category. He may be sensitive about his physical condition, and comparing himself to my riding buddy. I love rides by myself too, but not all the time.

Any thoughts?

Marriage can be so fragile, especially when dealing with egos. Can you advertise somewhere for a female riding partner?
I would be jealous too.

How well does your husband know your riding buddy?

I used to have a male riding buddy but that was before DH. When I met DH, however, quite a few of my friends were male. It was a male friend who introduced us!

I think good riding buddies are valuable but I can see how your husband can feel excluded. It probably doesn't help that he feels insecure about his riding and he sees another male who provides you what he can't. (Silly, granted.)

How does your riding buddy feel about it? How about including your husband anytime he wants to ride with the two of you? Have you asked him what he dislikes about your friend?

Part of marriage is being sensitive to your mates insecurities but trust should be there too. I wonder how much of it is male pride?

I agree with Mimi. I think my marriage and my hubby's feelings would have to come first, even if I knew there was no real concern. We can't help the way we feel and I am pretty sure that if my husband rode regularly with another woman was much more his equal in cycling, I'd be jealous even if it waas't a trust issue. I think the more you ride with your hubby, the stronger he will become so it will no longer be an issue. Maybe you could do club rides with a larger group when you feel the need to hammer?

I wish I could find a male riding buddy. Or any riding buddy for that matter.

Just my personal opinion:
I think you should talk to your husband about it. It does not set a healthy precedent to have your husband be in a role where he can just eliminate your male friends for little reason other than his own insecurity. I have friends of both sexes, and so does my husband. Some of our friends are shared friends, and some are just personal friends. Having lots of friends is healthy and good. Riding with others is safer, too.
I don't believe we should only be able to have friends of our own sex- gee that eliminates half the wonderful people on earth! :eek: :(

I think Lisa said it better than I did.

If there's a problem, then address it. If it's riding insecurity, that is good incentive to get out there and practice. If it's jealousy or trust, then that needs to be broken down and discussed.

DH likes to ride with me but if he can't ride (and during the week, he can't) he'd rather have me be with someone because it's safer. He plays baseball and I don't. There are females that he plays with. Yeah, they are cute and they bond in a team comraderie kind of way but it's ok. I am always invited to attend games or post-game festivities. They know about me as my male friends know about DH.

I value my marriage very much and I would do anything to maintain harmony. We are also individuals with interests and friends and that makes us far better partners, I think.

I guess I'm very lucky in that my husband of 18 years really encourages my riding and is very supportive of me. Up until fairly recently, he was a much stronger rider than I, but I've started training for longer distances and I've become the stronger one.

To be honest, I was was a bit worried about how he'd feel, and I felt a bit guilty, when I started doing a lot of rides on my own and with groups that he wouldn't be able to keep up with.

I still ride with my husband a lot, but not as much as I used to. I generally do one long, strenous ride one weekend day (usually Saturday) without him, and then do a more relaxed ride with him the other weekend day. So I haven't really "abandoned" him. He also likes to ride on his own, so sometimes he'll head out with me as I start my long ride, and then head off on his own along a different route.

So, I guess what you need to find out is, what is it that your husband wants of you?

It seems kind of unfair to me that he would want you to dump the riding buddy just because he's a guy.

Could the issue be that your husband feels you're not spending enough time with him? If that's the case, then the issue might still be there even if your riding buddy were female.

Would it be possible for you to keep riding with the buddy but to go out on fewer rides with him, and go out on more rides with your husband?

I wish you the best. This is a difficult situation, but to be honest, I think your husband is not being very fair to you. But that's just my two cents.

I think you are lucky to have a male riding buddy. It is special to be able to have riding buddies of any sex.

One of my friends is a younger male. I can't ride with him because he owns some sort of strange granny type of bike that folds up and has tiny tires, like something a granny would cycle around to get from the dining hall to her apartment at a retirement complex. His cycling speed is about 6 mph. My average speed is more than twice as much as his top speed.

So I think you are lucky. You have a friend who rides at your speed and your distances. That is real special to have. The problem isn't with you, but with your husband.

Like Lisa, I've been married a long time and we've both had close friends of the opposite sex. It is normal in a healthy relationship to have such friends.

I hope you get it sorted out. You don't ever want to lose a biking buddy.

Darcy

Any relationship is only as strong as each member's willingness to provide edifying support to the other.

If this is a point of consternation in the relationship, then it is not edifying and will only have a negative impact.

Is this allowing the "insecure" one to dictate who your friends are? or Is it your willingness to submit yourself a discretionary relationship for one that is a true long term commitment? I believe the latter. I also do not believe that the fault is necessarily his 'insecurity' as you each have a stake in the strength of the relationship and a responsibility to nurture each other in your challenges.

I do not begrudge Silver having male friends that I know and trust.

I would have serious problem with her continuing a male friendship that I had problems with...regardless of the reason.

My first reaction was that your husband is being ridiculous, but then I put myself in his shoes, which I can a little cuz in our family my husband is the stronger rider. Recently a new gal from cali moved here and started riding with our club. Being used to the cali mountains, she was able to hang with the two fastest men on a recent ride, my hubby included. They both joked after the ride how they 'could have dropped her' but hey, that would be unfriendly given she is new to the club and did such a great job keeping up, they didn't want her to ride alone, while the other fellow (who is also very happily married) also commented 'and she is hot.' Well, while I was a tad jealeous that I can't do what she can, it didn't really bother me since she was with both of them, and I was out there too. But, if my husband started making plans to ride exclusively with this women, it would bug me (and I have been married 20+ years). The way we handle the strength difference is that we ride with a club that has rides of varying distances starting from the same spot. That way we drive to the ride together, talk about it after together, but just ride with our respective peer groups. I just always do one distance shorter than him.

I think whether you think your husband's feelings are rationale or not, that he is your husband and you have to respect how he feels. Jealousy is not a rationale emotion. Is there a club you could ride with that has riders of variable ability. I am sure he would be less jealeous if you just hung with a GROUP of faster men, vs this one specific guy.

I have the dubious pleasure of being able to see this case from both sides...

My dh has a female climbing buddy that I'm jealous of. She is smart, an ex-colleague of his, funny, charming, 5 yrs younger than me, oh, and I forgot to mention - gorgeous. Guys flock to her like moths to a flame. No, I'm not worried that my dh will do anything wrong, but I'm not happy about the idea that on a sunny afternoon he's out having a terrific time at a climbing crag with this girl - instead of me.

I know my reaction is irrational, and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem, not his, but I asked for one thing - that he invite her home for dinner so that I could get to know her too. And for me it helped just making myself visible to her, if that makes sense. And it helps actually seeing them together, and seeing that they relate to each other on a purely friendly level.

On the other hand, I have a biking buddy who I find very funny and enjoyable to be around, and I noticed my dh looking kind of unhappy when I mentioned going biking with him. I asked dh to come along, but he was afraid of getting dropped...

I then made a point out of getting biking buddy to come inside before the ride to "have something to drink", so dh could see that this is just an average-looking guy, 15 yrs his senior, slightly overweight, who happens to love biking - and not some hot, young athlete... ;)

Point is - jealousy is irrational, but it's also a very painful and humiliating emotion. If you care for your partner you try to lessen his jealousy if you can, without ratifying it.

Tricky situation.

You could try telling him you would not think of leaving your *bike* for a man; since you love riding so much you aren't going to be doing anything else but riding.
Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

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Originally Posted by mimitabby

Marriage can be so fragile, especially when dealing with egos. Can you advertise somewhere for a female riding partner?
I would be jealous too.

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I'm in this camp.

My DH and I don't do things alone with someone of the opposite sex. Groups are fine, but neither of us is comfortable with one on one.

Call us old fashioned if you want. :)

I'm going to quote my husband here. He always says:

"If you don't have trust within a relationship, then you don't have a relationship".

First, I don't think jealousy is an irrational emotion. The reason we are jealous can be irrational, but sometimes jealousy is the only rational response.

I'd like to know the back story. How'd you meet the guy? Did you know him before your hubby?

I agree with whomever said you should invite him to spend time with you and your husband. I think a lot of men think men can't just 'be friends' with women, and are suspicious of any man who claims they can. Maybe they can connect one on one and your husband can learn to trust the guy.

Karen

One of the things that I like about my spouse is that he likes women as human beings. I would probably feel a little jealous/insecure at first if he had a woman riding partner but I would also consider that my thing to deal with, because I would know it didn't mean anything beyond a riding partnership. And he might feel the same--a slight initial twinge, then he would remember that he knows who I love; and that would be an end to the worry.

It bothers me a little that people think their feelings of jealousy, even when they are without a basis in fact, should control the relationships and friendships their SOs are allowed to have. I guess everyone has different ideas of what's okay or good in a marriage. It's important to me to be married to someone who is able to love me without needing to control everything I do, and who is able to know that I love him.

Everyone makes such good points. I think the quote I like best is this:.

"Point is - jealousy is irrational, but it's also a very painful and humiliating emotion. If you care for your partner you try to lessen his jealousy if you can, without ratifying it."

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Originally Posted by lph

and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem,

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LPH, I don't believe it is YOUR problem. I really believe that if the two of you are in it together, then any problem that one of you have is a problem that BOTH of you have.

He has a responsibility to not disregard your concerns. Is it irrational to believe that every person is capable of messing up?

"U" is only half of "US"...it's not all of "US"

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Originally Posted by Python

I'm going to quote my husband here. He always says:

"If you don't have trust within a relationship, then you don't have a relationship".

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Personally, I think this is a narrow perspective...while I agree with what you've said, it doesn't go far enough. There's having trust and then there's being constantly tested in that trust. No matter how strong any metal is, stress will cause it to break over time. I trust that a plane is safe...but I know that a plane requires constant maintenance to remain safe. Likewise with any relationship.

Fascinating thread....it some respects the general thread doesn't match the usual "tone" of TE. I would have thought there would be more answers along the lines lph and Lisa and less that lean towards getting rid of the friend. Hmmm.....

Personally, I'm a geek. Always have been. Always will be (I suspect). Since I was a kid, I've had friends who were male. DH has friends who are female. Neither of us has problems with this. My life would not be as rich if I thought I couldn't have friends of the opposite gender. I wouldn't try to control DH's life by dictating friends and I wouldn't want DH to dictate mine. It comes down to trust.

Like jobob, I wonder if the problem really isn't that the riding buddy is male so much as it is that you're spending a lot of "fun time" without him. If the latter is the case, then as his fitness improves, perhaps the problem will lessen? One would hope this is the case--jealousy is not healthy in a relationship. Better to find out the underlying cause than just treating the symptom.

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings. Hopefully there is something in here that helps you work through this.

DH and have been together a very long time, 20+ years. We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

And he's right. One thing I've really learned over the years, after lots of bad experiences with people, is to trust my intuition. I may have no logical reason to like or dislike someone at the time, but invariably, if I feel uncomfortable about them, they will hurt me or DH at some point. Likewise if I really feel comfortable with someone right away, they may turn out to be a very important friend or contact. And I have to extend that to how DH feels also.

On the other hand, I tried to put myself in the other shoes and I know right off the bat that if DH were riding with a woman who was stronger and faster than I, that I would be jealous. But I would really just be jealous that she was stronger and faster! If it bothered me enough, I imagine that DH would not ride with her very often, but I wouldn't expect him to stop outright, unless she fit into that intuition thing I talked about.

I do realize, though, that if you are a particularly fast and strong woman rider, that in many communities there will not be women who can keep up with you, so, if you are going to have a riding partner of a similar speed and training capacity, it will have to be a man. This can't be disregarded.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

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Originally Posted by LBTC

We just discussed this idea and his thought is: it depends on the guy and the dynamic I have with him.

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We discussed this last night too. DH's opinion was that if the guy was a womanizer with disregard to marriage, then that'd be an issue. My point was I do know some indiscriminate type males but they respect MY relationship with DH. So it all comes back to the type of person I'd be friends with. I wouldn't be friends with anyone who would sabotage my relationship and same goes for DH and his friends regardless of gender.

It's funny because I've been in relationships where I have had jealousy twinges but I don't with DH. It's not that I don't care but it's that we are completely open with each other and there is no doubt about our commitment or our feelings.

All that being said, DH will be concerned if we're out and a strange guy tries to talk to me. It isn't that he gets jealous (at least I think not) but he'll stand near me and clearly show that he is DH :D

I am part of a club and have thoroughly enjoyed the rides and being "pushed" by the faster riders. It has helped me improve. I joined because I'm a single gal who got tired of riding by myself. There are ladies in the club, however the majority of them only do very casual rides (maybe 2-3 women race). I can't do the racers' training rides because they smoke me almost instantly, but I can do the intermediate rides. We're a smaller club, so a huge ride for the intermediates is about 5-6 people.

Without going into unnecessary details, a wife of one of the riders mentioned to someone that she was uncomfortable with the idea of her husband (or any of the married men) ending up on a club ride with a solitary female rider. Meaning just the two going by themselves. As far as appearances, it could be misconstrued; she was concerned for the guys' reputations. So the club finally decided that out of respect for the marriages in the club, any ride at which only one man and one woman showed up would automatically be canceled. I totally understand and agree with the decision.

Yeah, as a single gal, it means there are times when a ride I am planning on attending is canceled. But doesn't being part of a team mean you also look out for the benefit of your team members? I trust the guys in the club. I respect them greatly. And seeing them put their relationships with their wives before their cycling or race training only makes me respect them more. I would like a man who would do that for me.

I talked to my mom about the situation. My parents have a very stable, secure and solid marriage. Both have acquaintances and friends of the opposite sex. And both trust each other implicitly. I've seen them give up things for the benefit and welfare of the other. I don't know the emotional or personal issues which prompted the wife in my story to be uncomfortable. But for me it boiled down to whether or not I was willing to give up something (like a good, hard ride) for the sake of another. For me it is just an opportunity to practice the things that have helped my parents in their marriage.

I tried to put myself in the opposite situation; if my husband was out riding with another woman, for training, it would upset me. I am not particularly jealous and I know if my husband was out riding with a woman, it would be strictly for the riding! Sorry to say, that I do agree with Mimi. Maybe it's a generational thing. We both have many acquaintances of the opposite gender, mostly from work or other club type situations. But we don't go out and socialize with them separately. I mean, I'm probably not the best person to get an opinion from because I pretty much spend all of my time with my husband and most of it is spent riding! I do participate in group rides that he can't attend. One of the groups is mostly older people, my age and up. The guys there are amazing and very friendly, but they know I'm married.
On the other hand, I live in a place where it is very easy to find someone to ride with and we just had the conversation that it looks like the number of women riders out there has gone up 4X in the last couple of years.

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Originally Posted by KnottedYet

Maybe a tandem so you and DH can ride together sometimes?
Then perhaps he wouldn't be jealous of your other riding time when you ride without him?

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I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day :o

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me. My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

This is not necessarily a trust issue or even an "ego" issue. Just a smart way to keep a healthy marriage.

By doing this, we eliminate any issues of possible jealousy, gossip from other people who might not know how platonic the relationship truly is and, of course, any possibility of infidelity. Most every extra-marital affair starts out as "just friends". Few spouses actually "plan" on sleeping with their "buddy" of the opposite sex, but the more time you spend with someone, the more opportunity you have of a spark getting ignited.

And above all else, the fact that your husband is not happy with this situation should be reason enough to avoid it. He should be number one in your life. His feelings and concerns should be more important than spending time with another man. He SHOULD be jealous of you spending time with another man.

The best advice I can give you as for a riding buddy is ... get a tandem! You and your husband can ride together and both ride at your own ability level. The first time I rode a tandem with my husband, I felt so much closer to him. It is something he and I can enjoy "together". Instead of going off and doing our own thing, we're together, working as a team enjoying each other's company. Having a conversation as we ride (unless we're breathlessly plugging away up some hill!) We still ride separately on our singles, but the tandem gives us a chance to come together again at our own ability.

So there's my two cents worth. ;)

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Originally Posted by Mr. Silver

Personally, I think this is a narrow perspective...while I agree with what you've said, it doesn't go far enough. There's having trust and then there's being constantly tested in that trust. No matter how strong any metal is, stress will cause it to break over time. I trust that a plane is safe...but I know that a plane requires constant maintenance to remain safe. Likewise with any relationship.

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My husband and I met through our jobs. We were both taxi drivers and both of us were divorced. As any taxi driver anywhere in the world will tell you, you get propositioned at least 3 times a week. From my own point of view, there are times I could have had my pick of men - some very good looking ones too, and the same goes for my husband with female passengers. The bottom line is we instinctively trust each other and we love each other. Neither of us would bother with anyone else - we're happy with each other:) Maybe it's because we're older (and met when we were older) and don't have the same lack of confidence and insecurities that often younger people have, I don't know.

We're husband and wife, but we're also best friends too.

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Originally Posted by Jiffer

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me.

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Jiffers, I don't think anyone in this forum flames another, at least not that I have noticed. For flaming you have to go to the male dominated cycling discussion groups.:D

Darcy

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Originally Posted by Jiffer

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me. My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

This is not necessarily a trust issue or even an "ego" issue. Just a smart way to keep a healthy marriage.

By doing this, we eliminate any issues of possible jealousy, gossip from other people who might not know how platonic the relationship truly is and, of course, any possibility of infidelity. Most every extra-marital affair starts out as "just friends". Few spouses actually "plan" on sleeping with their "buddy" of the opposite sex, but the more time you spend with someone, the more opportunity you have of a spark getting ignited.

And above all else, the fact that your husband is not happy with this situation should be reason enough to avoid it. He should be number one in your life. His feelings and concerns should be more important than spending time with another man. He SHOULD be jealous of you spending time with another man.
<snipped>

So there's my two cents worth. ;)

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very well said. I think it's important in a marriage ( or committed relationship) to choose NOT do things that you know will hurt your partner, however well grounded you think your relationship is.

I love what Jiffer said - well put! Dh and I have discussed and we both really agree with you.

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Originally Posted by Trek420

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day :o

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

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DH and I have finally solved our "unequal" riding abilities issue to both of our satisfaction because we really like riding together. On days when he feels like hammering and I don't (or can't), he does 4 minute intervals (rides ahead hard for 4 minutes, then turns around and rides back to meet me), and he repeats the intervals as long as he wants. We get to touch base every 5 minutes or so, I can ride at my own speed, and I don't feel alone out there (I am still freaked out about riding alone since I became allergic to wasps). I am amazed how fast 5 minutes goes too. We don't do it the whole ride, usually it's just the middle 1/3 but it works great. One other thing we sometimes do - he rides my pace for a 30-40k ride and then he does 4-5 hill repeats when we get home to finish off his workout. Of course, after a year of riding together, the days he doesn't get a good workout are fewer and far between. I'm sure the same thing would happen with your hubby.

So how about some feedback Melalvai? Can you give us any more background? Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side? That would make a difference to me too.

Wow, I'm amazed at the discussion I sparked. Sorry I was out of town this weekend (being a cager unfortunately, not a cyclist, but we visited an old friend who had paid for a hotel room as our christmas present and we had an absolutely wonderful time).

Here is the long awaited background, and some responses.

I'm 33, we've been married 13 years come August, and 3 months ago I took this Road I course taught by, we'll call him Riding Buddy. I knew him sort of because he runs a yahoogroups list for commuters in our area. Almost immediately after the course I became a total biking nut! I loved the freedom I felt, how I own the road, the cars can't scare me, I know what I'm doing is right and I feel very safe, etc. (I recommend that course enthusiastically!!)

My husband didn't like that at all. I started going on long rides on the roads, not just the trails, and I posted on the list asking if anyone had any routes to recommend because I kept getting lost? Riding Buddy suggested I ride with him & his wife, and since then I've done several rides with him, his wife, and the two together. I ride with them about once a week. His wife is not up to distances over 40 miles, so the long rides are just him & me, or we all start out together and she might turn back early.

I would love for my husband to get to know Riding Buddy, but he doesn't want to. I wonder now if he was jealous before I started riding with him. Perhaps he blames him for my bike fanaticism.

My husband has made an effort to become more of a cyclist, probably out of jealousy. I ride a lot with him. I will go in to work an hour late if it means I can get a 1/2 hr ride with him. I would love him to increase his fitness, partly for his own health, and partly for my selfish enjoyment of going on more and longer rides with him. I would, and have, turned down a ride with Riding Buddy to go on a ride with my husband. I know I've gone completely nuts about biking and I am vigilant about spending time with my family (husband & daughter) both on and off the bike.

Riding Buddy is 5 yrs younger than me and very physically fit and attractive. I'm sure that doesn't help anything. He is not a womanizer and has traditional values (we have some fun political arguments) and I feel strongly that there is a line which if I crossed he would ride away as fast as he could and never speak to me again. I even mentioned (not in detail) that my husband was jealous just in case his reaction would be "jealous husband? See ya never, bye." but I was relieved when his reaction was more along the lines of "You gotta make your own decisions, I don't want to cause any problems". So if I decided to drop him he would be sad but understanding.

Tandem: that is one of my dreams. It would allow me to pick up/drop off my daughter at school, practices, etc without making her do the trip herself, and without me having to drive the car. It would allow us to go on long rides together. They are not cheap. I wouldn't object to selling the car to buy a tandem, but you can imagine that idea is not popular, besides, I do want to visit my family ocassionally, and to bike 200 miles, although I'm sure I could pull it off, would just take more days than there are in a weekend.

Club rides? clubs? Not so much in this midwest college town. :(

I waffle between "I should drop Riding Buddy because it bothers him" and "Why should I let his insecurities interfere with this friend?" My husband & I have talked about it...and talked...and talked... It seems like we talk it out and he's ok, then Riding Buddy & I go on a long ride and husband is upset. I have cancelled some rides because my husband said (when asked) that it will bother him. I also must admit that sometimes I have simply not said that I was not alone, and this is a step I really really hate, I am not a dishonest person and it bothers me tremendously to omit information on purpose to be misleading.

I can see from all the discussion that there it is, as I have already found it to be, not simple. I am confident that we will work through this, and I do not think the answer is as simple as "lost the Riding Buddy". I respect both my feelings and my husband's. His jealousy is a fact and I will not paint it wrong or unreasonable, on the other hand I know I will be resentful & angry if I give up a good riding partner to his insecurity. We have been through worse experiences, not jealousy but we have had other situations of resentments & expectations that were touch-and-go and I don't feel that our relationship is crumbling over this. Just getting a bit knocked around.

One way or another there will be some good stories out of all this to tell my grandkids and great grandkids just before I pedal away, leaving them in my dust.

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Originally Posted by kelownagirl

Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side?

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I'd have to say unusual for him, although not completely uncharacteristic.

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Originally Posted by Jiffer

My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

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I should note that in the past, he has had a female friend here & there whom he hung out with quite a bit (RL, online, both). I don't have a problem with that, but then, he wasn't a born again bicyclist (or any other fanaticism) who she had "converted". So, in his shoes...I do not know how I would feel or react.

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Originally Posted by LBTC

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings.

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Yes, this has been awesome, and I am amazed at the lack of flaming. :)

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Originally Posted by LBTC

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

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I should mention that I do not have specific goals, like to complete a certain distance or reach an ave speed or finish something in a certain time. When I ride with Riding Buddy, my goal is to have a challenging ride, whatever that ends up being. When I ride with my husband, my goal is for him to have an enjoyable ride. When I ride by myself, my goal is enjoyment.

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Originally Posted by margo49

Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

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That's the best question yet!! My bike wants to go fast. It thinks I ought to ride much more often, with everyone or by myself! It wants me to spend money on really good lights so I can ride even the dark trail at night, and get clipless pedals. It wants me to spend money on supported rides (centuries and the like) and go touring. It wants more friends in the garage (tandem, spare bike for when its in the shop) and it wants that big old gas eating thing out of there!

It is such a demanding bike. :)

Mela
you seem to have a good understanding of the problem. And your husband can see intellectually that jealousy isn't helping, but feelings don't just disappear as we all know. they are there. So since he is intellectualizing, that will help.
THe other thing is the time thing.
I think that was the biggest gripe i had when DH was riding a lot and i was home with the kids. He could have been cycling with ugly dudes, it didn't matter. He was out on the bike and i was home stuck with chores (but i didn't want to ride at that point either)
look for used Tandems. Deals happen. I've seen them. Don't sell your car, you're going to want it in the winter :)

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Originally Posted by Melalvai

Almost immediately after the course I became a total biking nut! I loved the freedom I felt, how I own the road, the cars can't scare me, I know what I'm doing is right and I feel very safe, etc. (I recommend that course enthusiastically!!)

My husband didn't like that at all. I started going on long rides on the roads, not just the trails, and I posted on the list asking if anyone had any routes to recommend because I kept getting lost? Riding Buddy suggested I ride with him & his wife, and since then I've done several rides with him, his wife, and the two together. I ride with them about once a week. His wife is not up to distances over 40 miles, so the long rides are just him & me, or we all start out together and she might turn back early.

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Mel,

are you SURE it's Riding Buddy that your husband is upset about?

Is your husband sure it's Riding Buddy that he's upset about?

Here's something entirely different to think about:

You've started riding on ROADS instead of trails. Roads are filled with CARS, and CARS are big, go real fast, and let's face it, if there's any sort of confrontation between a car and a bicycle, the car will win.

Is it possible that "I don't like you riding with Riding Buddy" is a way to avoid admitting "I'm scared crapless that something could happen to you while you're out there on the roads" ???

MINE says commuting to work is too far for me -- it's about half the distance of HIS commute and we ride that distance just to get a cup of coffee, and we've ridden down to where I work to meet friends for rides, so he KNOWS I can do it. I'm also not supposed to ride north of the freeway -- it's too dangerous for ME (though he does it every day) Oh, and then there's those delightful 30+ mph downhill runs: don't DO that! Then there was that other dandy: don't even THINK about moving your hands when you're going that fast! I think "that fast" was about 15mph that day.

You'd think MY DH could quit riding through the construction zone where "car back" is not just "car back" but "pissy guy in car back" cuz there's no WAY he can go around without taking out a whole bunch of orange barrels! (He took me through there yesterday, and the moment these guys could get around, they'd gun their engines and burn rubber to get around us!)

Karen in Boise

In fact, my top 3 riding buddies are male! At first, I never thought anything of it, riding with men, because female riders are few and far between and the men took me in and helped me learn to cycle ... all good. Then, after time, my DH started wondering (just a little) about these "mystery men" I kept talking to, talking about, and riding with. So, I made it a point to bring him to group social events (off the bike) and introduce him. Then, I bought him a bike so he could learn to enjoy the sport and my cycling friends. It helped.

As for my FAVORITE riding buddy -- he was dating a woman at the time who became jeolous of our relationship and it strained their relationship. We both decided to make "extra" efforts toward each others' SO. My DH began to get more comfortable with my buddy because he too had a friendly relationship with him ... all good. As for my riding buddy, he broke-up with his girlfriend and is now dating a women who is not insecure and has no issues with us riding together - all good.

Today, my DH and favorite riding buddy, along with a few other friends (including 2 women and another favorite riding buddy) all rode together. It was fun, we enjoyed each other's company, and had a great ride! OK, it has taken a few years and a little work to get to this point, but marriage still in tack and riding buddies still firmly in place! All good!!!

You're 33, you've been married 13 years. You married when you were 20, still a girl.
You're discovering you're abilities and establishing some independence.
Riding Buddy is only part of the issue here.