something i'd like to know? (re: housework)

something i read somewhere made me wonder.... how many of you married women or women living with men do ALL the housework... all the dishes? all the vacuuming? all the laundry? all the cleaning? all the cooking???? etc!

i get irrited when i see posts from men that say they don't do that cuz they have a wife (or live in girlfriend)! YIKES! both of us work and we both do things around the house... granted i do the laundry.. cuz i have my quirks about it.... but once it's folded.. he puts his own away... i load the dishwasher... he unloads... we both vacuum, clean the bathrooms... clean the catbox (ok... he does that more than i do!) HE takes the trash out and cleans the dog doo!! lol! but we pretty much both do things...we both work... we both ride... ones not the "boss" over the other... it's a partnership!

and for your lurking men.... do you help around the house?

DH does half of the housework, care of the kids, ect. We work together as partners/equals. :)

I do more than he does; but often he cooks, cleans the kitchen, sinks, toilet, and does laundry. he also does 95% of all bike work.

so the answer is, I do more; but if he didn't do any it probably wouldn't work! It's close enough to 50-50 for me considering his job takes a lot more hours out of the day than mine does.

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Originally Posted by mimitabby

It's close enough to 50-50 for me considering his job takes a lot more hours out of the day than mine does.

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see! that's cool... and it works for you two! i mean... if i didn't work at all... then i'd do a lot more (but i still wouldn't take out the trash and scoop the poop! :eek: )

When I was a SAHM, I did almost all the "house" work. I was there. I had the time, usually. When I went back to work, I was still doing it all..... for a short time, when I decided it wasn't fair, I couldn't do it, and I was going to go crazy. So we had family meeting, set some new standards, and while it hasn't been perfect all these years, it helped. I do my part. Hubby does his. The boys do theirs. I probably still do the most, but that's partly 'cause I want things done my way. :rolleyes:

annie

Gosh, I though dust was a protective coating for furniture.:D

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Originally Posted by bikemom

Gosh, I though dust was a protective coating for furniture.:D

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well... you notice when i listed the chore splits... i NEVER mentioned dusting!!! (i DESPISE dusting! HATE it! WORST chore in the world!)

I think we're pretty close to 50-50. I do the cooking, but he'll do some prep if I leave a note. He does all kitchen clean up after dinner. Laundry - him (taught by me:) ). Bathrooms - me (I have higher standards of cleanliness). Everything else is negotiable, done together on the weekends mostly. The process has been honed over 35 years of togetherness - almost 32 married. DH is self employed, leaves the house at 4:30 am, often works 12 hour days. Then he gets on his bike, which he takes with him, and rides or comes home and trains in the garage until I get home. I feel very fortunate he is cheerfully willing to do most anything around the house. I wish I had as much energy.

I do a little more, but I have more time at home.

V.

Dusting? what's dusting? Is that like shaking up dust into the air?
or is it beating someone on your road bike ? :D :D

We split things up, very similarly in fact to Caligurl. Except I always do the dusting and vacuuming because he just can't do it to my standards. We share the cooking, and whoever doesn't cook cleans up the kitchen. My standards of cleanliness are definitely higher than his, and it was really difficult to train him how to do some things. He's good at the bathroom and the kitchen, but like I said he just can't vacuum very well. Overall I do more of the cleaning, but he also does a lot more work on the house in terms of things like fixing leaking faucets. We also have some minor reconstruction projects that he does more work on than me (like rebuilding our double hung windows, squaring off doorways, installing crown moulding, etc. . .).

We both work, we both ride and work out, we both take care of the dogs. If I was home more, like when I was unemployed, I would gladly do more around the house, and definitely cook more. :)

I should also mention that when we have a baby (hopefuly in the not too distant future), we are hiring a cleaning service. I feel like I barely have enough time for my dogs as it is. I will gladly pay someone to dust and vacuum so I can spend more time with my family.

I can't stand Vaccumming. BF reckon's it's strength training so I let him do it. He's very good at it

I love folding so I usually do it. We dont' iron much

We both cook when we feel like it, and we both clean kitchen bathroom etc equally.

I dunno. i'd say it';s 50:50.... although the house is a mess at the moment so we can both take blame for that. ^_^

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Originally Posted by HappyAnika

I will gladly pay someone to dust and vacuum so I can spend more time with my family.

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Dust? Vacuum? what are those? :D (tore up all our carpeting years ago!)

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Originally Posted by mimitabby

Dust? Vacuum? what are those? :D (tore up all our carpeting years ago!)

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We just had hardwood floors installed in all but the bedrooms. Best investment ever in terms of keeping things cleaner and less dusty. It's actually fun to run the swiffer around.

I'm always harping on the "fairness" of the housework. I refuse to do it all, and I'm more than happy to leave something until Mr. Sheesh gets around to taking care of it. :rolleyes:

If I cook, he does the dishes. I do the laundry, he takes out the garbage. I take the dogs to the park so he can clean the floors without them getting in the way. He takes the dogs out in the morning, I take them out at night, and whomever gets home first takes them out in the evening.

I clean one bathroom, he cleans the other.
This system seems to work well for us.

I only work two days a week. So I pretty much do most of the housework. We do split the laundry between us. I much rather do most of the housework than get up at 5 in the morning each day to go to work. I'm sooooo not a morning person. When I did work full-time we shared the housework, but his idea of clean and mine are totally different. :eek:

When SO moved in, my stipulation was that we would hire a cleaning service. Wonderful man that he is, SO has this ability not to see messes. This, of course, extends to things like the grass--it could be 6" tall and he would say, "oh, do you think it needs cutting?"

So early on, I bought "relationship insurance" in the form of a cleaning person. Besides the fact that she is the most wonderful person I've ever met (I mean, she leaves flowers, gives Christmas gifts to the cats, works around schedules....). As long as we're a two income family, "relationship insurance" is a requirement.

Of the things that are left, well, they just get split. Who does most? Depends upon the week and the schedules. But we both feel guilty that the other does more...so I think it must be even.

Mr. Silver walks in the room...

...hears the question...

...and goes :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :D

In an abundance of judiciousness, Mr. Silver poses a question to the group before he responds (and he will respond...):

How does one differentiate expectations in the following situations:

• A couple where both parties are employed, vs.
  A couple where only one member is employed and the other is a "homemaker"

Clever Mr. Silver. :)

I am a SAHM, so naturally I do more aroung the house while DH is off earning an income. I would say for the most part our home life is equally split. I usually have dinner ready. I was on a ban from driving, so he was picking up our 3 boys and running errands. I was cleaning, doing laundry, making lists :D , etc.

We have a good balance. I have the children trained well (thank goodness they are teens) so we actually all have work to do around the house. :p

I did not truly answer much of anything. :rolleyes: Long post short, it all depends on the day.

I think there are no hard and fast rules that can apply to every couple.
I think the most important thing is for there to be an agreement and discussion about what things should be done by whom. The point is that negotiation/discussion should leave an end result that is both fair & satisfactory to both people. That INCLUDES taking into account hours spent doing various things like outside breadwinning jobs, part time jobs, housework, childcare and transportation, yard work, shopping, cooking, pet care, taking out garbage, etc. All are essential work to lead our daily lives normally.

DH and I sorted it all out when we moved in together and worked out the labor sharing to our mutual satisfaction. By "labor", that includes BOTH money making work and the also essential work required to maintain the house, get and prepare food, etc. We also are happy to "cover" for each other if someone wants a break from some chore or doesn't feel well.

We share the 'work' to running a home 50/50, but that doesn't mean we split all jobs equally. We both work the same amount outside the home. My husband is really good at putting good meals on the table quickly so he does that including most of the kitchen cleanup most of the time (although I do have my specialty dishes that I make), I fix the bikes and do the financial stuff for us and my in-laws, he fixes broken things around the house. We shop together, he unloads and I put away. At the moment we have a cleaning women that does most of the general cleaning and laundry, but I de-clutter and do most of the deeper cleaning, and look more after the clothes (delicates, etc.) while he carries out the heavy stuff. We plan to let our cleaning women go after our youngest leaves for college next fall, but then we'll just split her duties.

I am soon to begin cohabitating for the first time, and I'm nervous about this. I think it'll be ok, because we complement each other - I'm *cleaner* than he is, but he's *neater* than I am, if that makes sense. (Or, we could just go nuts over each other's flaws). But I have already discovered one good trick - from the beginning, I've always told the BF how sexy and hot I find the sight of him washing dishes. I really hammed it up at the beginning. And y'all . . . he washes the hell out of those dishes. My kitchen is often cleaner after we have dinner here than it was before I started cooking, once BF is done with the (hot, sexy) cleanup. ;)

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Originally Posted by EBD

I am soon to begin cohabitating for the first time, and I'm nervous about this. I think it'll be ok, because we complement each other - I'm *cleaner* than he is, but he's *neater* than I am, if that makes sense. (Or, we could just go nuts over each other's flaws). But I have already discovered one good trick - from the beginning, I've always told the BF how sexy and hot I find the sight of him washing dishes. I really hammed it up at the beginning. And y'all . . . he washes the hell out of those dishes. My kitchen is often cleaner after we have dinner here than it was before I started cooking, once BF is done with the (hot, sexy) cleanup. ;)

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positive reinforcement REALLY helps. If that DH of yours JUST ONCE does a chore you want him to do more of, lavishly praise him (and telling him it's sexy is about the BEST way to do that!)

on the other hand, if there's a chore you WANT to do, just keep telling him he doesn't do it right. More guys will QUIT doing chores for that reason. Who cares if he folds the towels differently? Just let him do it and THANK HIM!

...clears his throat...pauses at the prospect of being in a minefield:p ...and says:

I think that the basic issue comes to parity and balance. As Rocky said to his brother-in-law when asked what he saw in Adrian's - "well, it's about gaps...I got gaps, she's got gaps...we fill in each other's gaps". So, we should each provide to our strength and share the load.

Having said that, as to single income households, I sincerely feel that:

• The role of "homemaker" is undervalued by society and is often misappropriated as a servant role (you know, Archie Bunker yells: "Edith, where's my slippers...EDITH")
• Likewise, the breadwinner in a single income family is often expected to expected to burn the candle at both ends...employee all day...then taking an 'equal' share in the housework at night.

So, Mr. Silver straigthens his tie, hopes that he's not made anyone mad, and goes to the men's room to comb his hair...;)

DH and I both work - outside the home and inside the home.
In the house, we both have our "chores" - I cook, he does the dishes. I clean the upstairs, he cleans the downstairs. He does the bunnies' litter boxes, I make their salads (shhhh, I got the better half of the deal on that one!). We split laundry.
So...summary...we split. We find a way.

I have a somewhat unusual situation in that I am the one working full-time, and my husband is retired. He was laid off from a software design position (same thing I do) during the telecom bust of 2001, so his situation kinda segued from unemployment to retirement. Our debts were all paid off and we don't have children, so we really didn't need to make two salaries; as a result, we jointly decided that it would improve our joint quality of life to have him home, so we wouldn't have to spend all our free time after work and on weekends doing chores, errands, and projects as we'd been doing for years.

So, as a stay-at-home husband, he does about 75% of the housework, including most of the cooking, laundry, shopping, vacuuming, trash duties, bathroom cleaning etc. He has always done most of the heavier maintenance duties such as cutting/chopping wood, making/tending fires (we have a wood stove), landscaping, home repairs, filling bird feeders, etc. I do things that he just doesn't notice, like dusting, floor mopping, ironing, plant watering, straightening up, countertop wiping, putting things away, and keeping things organized in the household.

I feel kind of guilty because he does so much now, but when we both worked full-time, we were much more 50/50 with the division of labor, and I am sure we'll be that way again once I retire. For now, the way we do it works for us. He makes an attempt to get as much done during the week as possible so that we can either have fun on the weekends or do major projects that he needs my help on (we are currently tiling a sunroom floor, for example).

A lot of women I talk to seem to think our arrangement is really odd, but it works for us. As long as both people are satisfied with the arrangement so that there's no resentment, that's what counts....

Emily

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Originally Posted by emily_in_nc

I feel kind of guilty because he does so much now

A lot of women I talk to seem to think our arrangement is really odd, but it works for us.

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I personally don't find it odd...nor do I think you should feel any guilt at all. It's great that it's working so good! I think it should be applauded!

Another interesting question. I have a slightly unusual home situation in that my husband and I share a home with my dad and my younger brother, who is 13. The three adults work full time, my dad teaches on weekends in winter (skiing), and my brother is in middle school (high school next year, sigh).

When it comes to chores, we kind of have a system that looks like chaos. :) We each do our own laundry (I do my husband's), but if clothes need to be rotated, we pitch in. My husband does daily dishes and kitchen duty, but we all try to pitch in on keeping the counters clear. My husband sorts the mail, but I sort it first to find important stuff, and I pay the bills (and do taxes, ugh). My dad pays some bills and buys the groceries, but we plan meals together and I try to shop with him so he's not alone. We all bring in the groceries, we all put them away (unless it gets crowded!). My dad cooks most meals, but if I'm home, I will help cook (and clean somewhat afterward), and sometimes we'll go out (we trade off paying each time). My brother is assigned miscellaneous chores, like vacuuming some part of the house, cleaning up his computer area (no computer in his bedroom), cleaning up his bedroom, that kind of thing. Whoever remembers takes out the trash/recycle. ;) I can't remember the last time my husband cleaned toilets/sinks/showers, bathroom duty is kind of my thing, though my dad and brother have their own bathroom that I never use and only clean for them when company's coming over.

It's a delicate balance with 2 peoples' habits and personalities, it's a more delicate balance with 4. You really have to work to make a family successful, just like any relationship. We still have a lot of clutter and sometimes general house cleaning waits longer than it should, but I don't think we realise just how busy we are. Cleaning service is sounding better and better ;)

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Originally Posted by EBD

But I have already discovered one good trick - from the beginning, I've always told the BF how sexy and hot I find the sight of him washing dishes.

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Funny :D

The sight of my dh washing floors is VERY sexy. He usually takes his shirt off, and gets all efficient and authoritarian :p

I'm a bit late coming to this thread, but I wanted to add that I am always amazed, shocked and repulsed when I watch "Supernanny" or "Nanny 911" and the woman is doing EVERYTHING from sunup to sundown while the man puts in his 8 hours at the office and then plops on the couch. So she's a SAHM -- does that mean she doesn't ever deserve a break? Amazing.

Re: housework. It's one other thing that doomed my relationship with my ex. When you're in an apartment, there are no typical "man" chores such as lawn care, washing cars, etc. Finally I made him do his own laundry because I was sick of doing everything, and he would stuff the washer so full of all his clothes, then wonder why they came out wrinkled after 90 minutes in the dryer. :rolleyes:

I actually do less than him. He's very orderly and I am a slob. But I am currently paying for the cleaner so I have outsourced some of my responsibility...

[rant on]

Vacuuming - SheFly
Laundry (incl folding & putting away) - SheFly
Cleaning bathroom - SheFly
Emptying kitty litter - SheFly
Feeding cat - SheFly
Tidying and dusting - SheFly
Paying bills/managing household finance - SheFly
Car maintenance (taking cars for inspection, regular maintenance) - SheFly
Grocery shopping - SheFly
Loadin/unloading dishwasher - SheFly
Making moring coffee - SheFly
Knowing where EVERYTHING is, including DH's stuff - SheFly
Cooking - Shefly and DH
Watering plants - DH
Lawn care - hired out....
Bike maintenance - DH - of course (he has to do SOMETHING!)

[rant off]

I am an enabler. It's defintely not 50/50 at our house, and some days I'm bitter about that. Oh yeah - we have two houses and the same rules apply at both houses.

I want to play!
originally from Shefly


Vacuuming - no vacuumnig
Laundry (incl folding & putting away) - Mimi & DH
Cleaning bathroom - DH & Mimi
Emptying kitty litter - ONLY mimi
Feeding catZ - usually Mimi
Tidying and dusting - ? :confused:
Paying bills/managing household finance - DH
Car maintenance (taking cars for inspection, regular maintenance) - Mimi & DH
Grocery shopping - Mimi & DH
Loadin/unloading dishwasher - Mimi, DH, DS
Making morning coffee & tea - DH
Knowing where EVERYTHING is, including DH's stuff - :confused: only the shadow knows
Cooking - Mimi and DH
Making pie - DH
Watering plants - bwahahaha Mimi (only cactus survives in this house)
Lawn care - .... DH mows once a year whether he needs to or not
Yardwork - mimi
Bike maintenance - DH
Floors - (sweeping, washing) Mimi
Sending cards and making phone calls to ailing relatives his and mine Mimi
Remembering - Mimi

Ditto most of what SheFly said- I'm so glad she posted so I don't feel alone!
[rant on]:mad:

Vacuuming - Hub
Laundry (incl folding & putting away) - Hub
Cleaning bathrooms - Hub
Emptying kitty litter - Hub
Feeding dogs -Hub
Tidying and dusting - Hub
Paying bills/managing household finance - SheFly& dH
Car maintenance (taking cars for inspection, regular maintenance) - Hub
Grocery shopping - Hub
Loadin/unloading dishwasher - Hub
Making moring coffee, refilling coffee cups - Hub
Knowing where EVERYTHING is, including DH's stuff - Hub ( Well alot gets lost)
Cooking - Hub
Walking dogs- Hub
Lawn care - hired out....
Bike maintenance -Please- only one cyclist lives here.
Paying for 'domestic assistance'- when we can find someone to work -dH
Driving HIS mom around to do errands- Hub
[rant off]

I am also an enabler. It's defintely not 50/50 at our house, and some days I'm bitter about that.

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Originally Posted by Hub

Paying bills/managing household finance - SheFly& dH
Car maintenance (taking cars for inspection, regular maintenance) - Hub
Grocery shopping - Hub

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Hub, how do you get Shefly to pay your bills? :D :D :D :D

Vacuuming - usually IFjane
Laundry (incl folding & putting away) - usually IFjane
Cleaning bathrooms - IFjane
Emptying kitty litter - SO
Feeding dogs -Don't have dogs
Tidying and dusting - IFjane
Paying bills/managing household finance - both of us
Car maintenance (taking cars for inspection, regular maintenance) - both of us
Grocery shopping - SO
Loading/unloading dishwasher - both of us
Making moring coffee, refilling coffee cups - SO
Knowing where EVERYTHING is, including SO's stuff - IFjane - example: this morning on my way to work I had to deliver SO's WALLET to him because he couldn't find it (it was on his bedside table :rolleyes: )
Cooking - SO
Walking dogs- No dogs
Lawn care - hired out....
Bike maintenance - both of us


I feel very lucky because SO does so much - much more than my ex ever did (one reason for the divorce). One decision we made last year was to hire out the yard work - though we both love to putter out there - but we have about 1.5 acres to mow & it was taking way too much of our "play" time. It is not cheap but is one of the best investments we have made in each other.

In theory 50-50 from the beginning (22 years almost).
In practice 50 -50 altho' over the last 10 years we have specialised more (I do the bathroom (standards), The Friday Dinner (coz I'm the best cook), the laundry (coz I love it), I change towels and sheets (coz the rest just don't care); SO does more (and for some periods all) of the shopping (coz he sticks to the list), the chopping of the firewood (I became incapacitated so I taught him 10 years ago and DS#1 is qualified too and DS#2 is ok with the tomahawk ).
The one who cooks doesn't do the dishes, Dad gets a rest on Friday night and the kids split up the clear-up and dishes between them, emergencies involving both of us means the home front devolves to DD are some of our family customs.
That said we can each run the show of 3 kids cat and dog alone . This has been critical when it's been critical.
The kids are doing a lot more now and we (me + 3) have been known to do the Friday blitz and then all sit round with a beer feeling virtuous! SO is too virtuous for even beer!

My basic theory tho' is that it is not so important what you do but that your contibution is remarked upon from time to time and appreciated and respected.I developed this in my late 30's when I met a lot of people living very traditionally/stereotypically. And I saw that he thought she was a great at running the house and family and she thought he was a good provider and dealt with Matters of State to the benefit of all the family. [I myself would never live like this for all the appreciation in the world ... but I have seen it wenough to know it can work just as well as the most carefully worked out scheduled "equality"]

Yes! I'm not the only one....thanks shefly. DH and I both work full time. Dh runs our new business, I have the steady income. He puts in about one extra hour a day than me, I'll help out at the store on weekends.

Vacuuming - Salsa
Laundry (incl folding & putting away) - Salsa (DH will put away normally)
Cleaning bathroom - Salsa
P/UP Dog Waste - Hired Out
Feeding Dogs - AM: DH PM: Salsa
Take dogs to vet - Salsa
Tidying - Salsa and DH
Dusting - Salsa
Paying bills/managing household finance - Salsa
Car maintenance (taking cars for inspection, regular maintenance) - Salsa
Grocery shopping - Salsa and DH
Loadin/unloading dishwasher - Salsa (or DH w/ guilt trip)
Making moring coffee - Salsa
Knowing where EVERYTHING is, including DH's stuff - Salsa
Cooking (all threee meals)- Salsa
Watering plants - DH
Lawn care - hired out....
Bike maintenance - DH - he does run a bike shop :)
Snow Removal - DH (although we really haven't had any this winter)

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Originally Posted by mimitabby

Hub, how do you get Shefly to pay your bills? :D :D :D :D

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I wondered where those extra bills were coming from... :D