Not sure I should even post this.

:( My brother, who was such a great guy...ski bum, biker and all around free spirit committed suicide.

I am so totally devastated that I can't think, can't function well and sometimes...have trouble breathing. It's totally sucked the energy out of my life and everything seems kind of unimportant now.

My bikes sit in the holders. I have pretty much given up workouts for myself. However, since I'm an in-home personal trainer I did get back to my clients this week. I also teach indoor-cycling which I also got back to this week. I can be very professional and conduct my training and cycling sessions, but the joy for my own training is gone. I'm just a slug. I have so much sorrow that I can't move on my own right now.

Sorry if this is not the place for this, but I'm just soooo sad right now.

God, what a horrible experience to go through. I cannot begin to imagine the kind of pain you're in.

Raindrop, the fact that you're able to get back to work in spite of all that you're going through shows an incredible amount of strength and resilience and courage on your part.

Would you consider seeing a grief counsellor? This is such an awful thing to have to deal with on your own. I think you might need a real person to talk things through. Not that we're not here for you too.

Please take care of yourself. The bikes will be there when you're good and ready, they're very patient that way.

Raindrop. I am so very sorry. Please know we are thinking about you and your family. And that it will not always feel this horrible...

I can't imagine the heaviness of that pain. Please know thoughts are with you.

Gypsy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Raindrop}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry. This is horrible for you. The days will get better, the heaviness will get lighter, you will emerge, like a butterfly, changed, but more beautiful than ever before. Trust yourself. Trust the universe.

In the meantime, grieve, seek comfort, be sad, be still, be every thing you feel whenever you feel it.

Know that we, like your bikes, are here for you. We are ready to listen, ready to share, ready to offer comfort...we are here whenever you need us.

Hugs and butterflies, raindrop

Namaste,
~T~

Oh no. Oh, I am so, so sorry. :(

I'm glad you can or have to keep up some exercise, it will help you in the long run. Not biking or working out at all would give the sorrow an extra hold over you that it doesn't need. You probably won't get any joy from it for a while, but exercising makes you more stable for the long haul.

After my brother died (heart attack, not suicide, which must be SO much worse) I found a quiet track in the woods where I could ride and cry and scream and cuss without seeing anyone.

We're all thinking of you. Hang in there.

Raindrop, even though we may not be with you physically, we are there for you mentally. I think most have experienced the pain of losing a loved one and how it hurts to even think about it.

Sometimes it's easier to talk to us because it's too overwhelming to talk to people face to face. Don't be afraid to talk to us.

Let us know if we can help.

East Hill

I am so sorry. Walking the path of grief is a very difficult journey. It will get better with time, but until then, be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the time that you need to grieve.

My thoughts are with you and your family. I am so, so sorry.

Ruth

My condolences. It is never ever easy to lose a loved one. I lost my father 5 years ago. It hurts like hell. My heart goes out to you. I didn't go to grief counselling. I threw myself in to work. Though, sometimes I think it would've been beneficial. You'll always miss your brother. I think of my dad often. Someday, I hope that you'll find solace in your rides and work outs because being active is something that he enjoyed too.

Until then, may peace be with you.

Raindrop -
My heart goes out to you as you mourn the loss of your brother. I hope that your good memories of him will help you to get through your sorrow.

On the riding your bike front - I really believe that you should follow your heart, don't force yourself to do anything that you are not ready to do. One thing that may help is to use your bike as a memory tool. Go and ride, and use your ride as a quiet time to remember your brother. Don't push, don't train, just ride, remember, dream.

I'm sending healing thoughts your way.
--- Denise

Raindrop, How incredibly sad. I am so sorry this happened. Allow yourself to heal in whatever way that makes you comfortable. There are no "have to's" and there are no time-lines. Your brother will always be alive in your memories.

I'm so sorry Raindrop! I can't imagine what you're going through. My best friend lost her twin brother a few years ago, and she went through the same inertia you're describing. She also found it hard to begin enjoying life again. She went back to work, more or less on autopilot, but it took more time before she went back to doing things she loved. You just have to grieve for a while. I think Denise made some very good suggestions that may help.

Sending compassion your way.

((((((((Raindrop))))))))) I am so very sorry. A loss of a loved one is never easy. You will stop hurting so much, a little bit here and a little bit there. Remember all the good times you had with your brother. I would imagine many of us have lost a loved one and can emathize. I shall be keeping you and your family in my prayers. Give yourself time to go through all the stages a grief. You will return to biking when you are ready.

Dear Raindrop: I can't even imagine what you're going through. I'm not even sure what to say to comfort you, if even such words exist, but we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers and you move through this devastating time. Please accept our sincere condolences for your loss.

Alofa Nui Nui.

Sherry and family.

((((Raindrop))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grief counselling helped me. If you feel like looking into it, you can call the crisis line and ask for a list of resources. Many of the hospitals have grief groups, too, if you feel a group situation would be more useful. But don't feel like you have to do counselling. Do what works for you.

And we are always here on TE. (((hugs)))

Oh, Raindrop. I'm so saddened for you. That fact that you're returning to work is a huge step forward. I can't imagine your sorrow, but know that we're all here for you. Big hugs....

My brother was an alcoholic and died at 40 - just 6 months after my father. That lethargy you describe is familiar to me. I think it is a natural reaction.
It does pass. But it takes time.
I always think of Douglas and what an amazing person he was. We were 2kids so I am the only one now.

In my prayers...

My heartfelt sympathy to you. I lost my brother under awful circumstances as well.
There will be a period of numbness...non-feeling, non-reality, difficulty sleeping and difficulty feeling emotions. That's like a self-protecive thing our body does to keep us from shock. After that probably periods of both sad helplessness, missing him terribly, and also anger directed towards him but then turned back on yourself -because being angry at him is not "acceptable".
I say these things because it may help you to know that all this is simply normal and is part of the process of returning to life slowly over the next couple of years. The pain and sadness will never go away, but your life will come back and you will see all this in a different way. The pain will morph into a new strength within you, and one day you will "forgive" both your brother and YOURSELF, and be more at peace about it. This process takes its own path and its own time. Don't be afraid to get some counseling, even just for a limited time to get you over a bad hump.

Please take extra special care of yourself right now. Eat healthy things, excercise on occasion to keep your physical body feeling well. Exercise can also produce chemicals that make us feel better, and calm our minds. Crying makes us feel better too, so embrace that too.

(((((Sending hugs to you....)))))

Yeah, that misdirected anger thing LisaS.H. describes is so real.
Your mind plays some funny tricks on you out of grief and hurt.

Raindrop,
Im so sorry you are going through this especially during this time of the year. My warm thoughts are with you...it takes time to heal.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) Suzie

{{{Raindrop}}} I'm really sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Jennifer

Raindrop,

I'm so sorry for you loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

you are so brave opening up and sharing this,i think thats a sign that inside you do have the strength to pull through this.all bad times do pass,memories never fade,experiences mould us into who we are.wishing you a bucket of courage and hoping you never have to appologise for talking about it ever again,you did the right thing.

Raindrop, thanks for opening up and sharing. I'm sorry for your loss and my thoughts and energy are with you. I echo what everyone says, we're here for you to unload on and express your feelings.

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I'm glad you shared it with us. Over the years my cycling has meant so many different things to me. I hope that it helps you through this period in its own way, but don't push things - you will know what you're ready for and when.

The most amazing thing though is that you've shared things with us here. That's so incredibly brave.

When life got hard for me earlier in the year, for a while I wanted to sell all my bikes as I couldn't see how I could ever cycle again. I have discovered that I can though and that once again it is cycling which is helping me to move on - small steps at a time.

Please look after yourself as others have said and keep in touch with us all.

xx

Raindrop, hope you realize you never have to ask if you should post something so personal or not. This forum contains an amazing group of women and I think it creates a wonderful network of support.

I cannot begin to understand your loss and how hard it is for you. I can only tell you that I have a brother who fell from grace and got himself into alot of trouble (having to go to prison). It was a horrible ordeal for my family and it has taken years for all of us to accept the reality of what occurred. Place no blame on yourself. Your brother made his choice without thinking what he would leave behind, alot of hurt and disappointment from his loved ones. Acknowledge the loss, discuss it with your family and each strive to move on. Tough, I know, but time is your friend.

Raindrop - a big, silent, teary hug goes out to you.

I know the feeling of the numbing, choking pain and feeling like you are living in a surreal world where nothing else seems to have importance, the heartache overwhelms everything.

My older sister is an attempted suicide survivor (3 separate incidents). It is only by the grace of God that she is still with us. She has been able to give us insight on what it is like to be in a suicidal state. She told us that once the decision was made nothing anyone could say or do would have prevented her from doing what she did.

When and if you would like to know anything more of what she said please feel free to PM me. Her description helped me with the "Why?"

You will run the gamut of emotions, circle yourself with loving, caring people and allow yourself to grieve. Grief counselling is an excellent idea and it helps.

Prayers go out for you and your family ((((((Raindrop)))))

Oh Raindrop... this is the place. *Soft Hugs*

What can one say... to something like that? It's horrible... it's tragic... and you have every right to feel so depressed about it.

All I can say is that I am sorry... and I send my condolences. Although the words seem pretty useless at a time like this.

{{{Raindrop}}} Thank you for sharing your struggle. Remember, grief has stages and one doesn't hop through them. There is no timetable. We progress the best we can. One day, you will see a rainbow again, but the process of grief will take time. You are in my prayers....

So sorry Raindrop. There's nothing more I can say that hasn't already been said but you are in my thoughts... :(

Raindrop...my condolences on the loss of your beloved brother. Give yourself time to heal and allow your friends and family to help you through this awful time. I'll be thinking of you.


__________________
Jean

I'm in awe and humbled by all of your responses. They do help me because I can feel the caring behind all of your words. And, those that shared their own personal grief, thank you for what I am sure, brings up some of those awful feelings that are right on my surface now.

It does help that I can confide in cyberspace because right now, my face-to-face encounters are painful and especially with the people that express their condolences...tearfull.

I really do thank you all. I just needed to share some of my pain in a space that I've always felt had nothing but support. This site is so perfect because of that.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have made a good step in reaching out to share your pain. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but I will be praying for your comfort and peace in the midst of this heartbreaking tragedy.

Colleen

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Raindrop

It does help that I can confide in cyberspace because right now, my face-to-face encounters are painful and especially with the people that express their condolences...tearfull.

I really do thank you all. I just needed to share some of my pain in a space that I've always felt had nothing but support. This site is so perfect because of that.

---

This is a safe place full of gentle loving women, where you can say whatever is on your mind or in your heart, anytime.

I so understand that avoidance of face-to-face-encounters. It's triply hard when the death is not of natural causes. I remember long ago when my brother died, my mother just could not deal with people's questions and concerns. When we would run into an acquaintance on the street and theywould ask about my brother, for a whole year she would simply say "He's fine, thanks."- because she could not bear to explain what happened or hear their awkward shocked condolences.
I don't blame you for trying to avoid that right now. I'd do the same. Better to be with closer friends and family who understand and are grieving themselves.
Just know that through all the roller coaster of feelings and changes you will go through about this, that your love for your brother and his love for you will not change one bit. Nothing can change that.

Raindrop, I can't image what you and your family are going through at the moment or what you will face in the future for the pain must be unbearable. Cherish your wonderful memories of your brother and please take care of yourself. Know the members of this forum are always here for you and sometime simply having someone to talk to is all that is needed to help one through a tough time. Please talk to us and know thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Raindrop, you will never feel the same again, but you will feel alive and whole again, and able to enjoy life. You will always remember the things about your brother that you loved, and the things that you were angry at him for will eventually not anger you. The "why" is always hard to come to grips with, no matter how your loved one died, but it is part of your grief work.
My brother was killed in a mine accident when I was in college. I didn't have grief counseling then, it hadn't been invented yet. Since I didn't do a particularly good job of working things out then, it set me up for a long period of depression as an adult. Since you are having trouble facing people when discussing your loss, you may find it helpful to find a support group for the families of suicide victims. Hearing others talk about their feelings, and stages of working through their loss may help you see that it is not an impossible task, but is a long process.
Be very kind to yourself, and let people give you a hug. You deserve it. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Raindrop, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I realize that it is unbearably painful right now, but time will help, and someday, you will allso be able to think back on the good times with your brother. Sending big hugs to you.

Hey Raindrop, so sorry to hear of your loss.

Lost my little brother to suicide about 15 years ago. I felt for ages that I somehow could have prevented it (so did my other brother). He seemed to have so much to live for. But it was his choice, his call.

Time WILL heal. You don't forget but you forgive them for going so abruptly.

Hang in there.

Raindrop, our thoughts are with you. :( It may not seem like it now, but you'll make it. He will live on in your memories, your thoughts, and all of the time you've shared. You will get through this, and you will find yourself again.

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Please take all the time you need to grieve and don't be one bit concerned about others your friends and family will understand and offer you support as well as a shoulder to cry on.

Be well, be gentle and most importantly cry.

Hugs,

Kate