Who am I & What is this Handbasket?

Maybe it's a change of life thing. Maybe it's the result of a week long vacation. Maybe I'm just suffering from analysis paralysis & need to take action.

Why don't I do the things that nourish my soul anymore? Like long bike rides, massages, yoga, eating good organic foods & keeping contact with my friends?

When did I decide that fast gym workouts, long hours in the office and arguing with dim-bulbs (NOT this forum) were more important?

When did I decide that my outside appearance was more important than my inside serenity?

How do you escape the judgemental eyes of your boss, coworkers & society in general? How do you decide that your own wellbeing is more important than an annual evaluation at work? How do you decide that the gossip of co-workers & others ("Look! She only worked 8 hours today!") is crap and take care of yourself?

Get out of the basket quickly!

My basket led me to gain 15 pounds in a year. Get out now!


Seriously... we humans seem to forget how precious our time is sometimes and get wrapped in the petty crap that makes us human and doesn't count for diddly.

What did I just say? It made sense in my head. :rolleyes:

V.

V, it made more sense the 2nd time :cool:

Who was it who said "No ones last words were "I should have spent more time in the office"?

DM, how wonderfully weird that this board coincides with my daily life!
I've been thinking the same thing lately. I REALLY was looking forward to getting out and riding this weekend and didn't. Why? Laundry, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, rain and walking the dogs won out. Were they bad choices?? Not necessarily. I walked the dogs in the pouring rain Saturday morning and thoroughly enjoyed myself! (I was glad I was walking and not biking in that downpour). Then I opted to sleep in both days and went to church on Sunday - to a sermon about dieting and how our spiritual fitness is more important than physical fitness (even though it's important too).

So even though we need to take care of ourselves physically, it's more important to take care of us on the inside - to love ourselves, be happy, and enjoy this life we've been given. All while being coworkers, moms, sisters, wives and friends. It's a delicate balance but well worth the effort put into it.

I've decided to join a 6 week study group on the Purpose Driven Life. I've hemmed and hawed because I didn't want to give up a night with my son but decided I needed to do this for me. No guilt, this is something I've wanted to do for a long time. And I NEED some adult communication in my life or I will do nuts!

Oh DM, I've been having that conflict for a while now. Most days, I deal with it pretty well. I do have to tell you, though, that I've been having lots of conversations with a higher power lately, and have realized that some days it's just not EASY to let it all go. You have to take care of yourself, physically and mentally, first. You also have to realize that the coworkers and the boss that criticize probably probably don't have anything else do do with their time and/or they are jealous. Either way, it's sad, and you do not want to end up like them. When in doubt, do what's healthy for YOU.

KB

Forgot something -- when you're feeling like this, it's especially important that you go out and do whatever it is that makes you feel better, whether it's riding, walking, running, hiking, whatever. Not many things bother me after a good 6-7 mile run! (Hmm, maybe that's why I decided to train for a half marathon.) By the way -- I finally "escaped" when I decided that life is too short to care what anyone who is not important to me thinks.

KB

Dogmama,

I think lately the ONLY thing that has kept me grounded has been my faith in God (like several of the other ladies have mentioned). If you are not a christian, I apologize for posting this to you, but I'm going to post it anyway incase someone else would like to read it. :)

Woman today not only have to raise their children (including husband;) ), but many of us also have full-time jobs!!!! I think many times people still categorize women as the caregiver, the house cleaner, the chef, the doctor, etc. but what about the 8 - 10 hour day I also just worked!!! When I get to the point where I want to just scream SCREW THE WORLD!!!! I take a minute, say a prayer and force my mind to slow down, and God very quickly makes me rememeber how incredibly blessed I am!

I remember I have three (not cheap) bikes in my basement that I ride regularly with my functioning legs and arms and not to mention I was able to afford them. I also have my running shoes sitting by the door that I'm able to use whenver I want without the help of a machine or nurse. Then I keep going and remember that even though my kids and husband demand every waking moment of my time for one thing or another (that they could probably have cared for on their own :rolleyes: ) I am so incredibly blessed that they are there, we have a house over our head, and are all healthy. Just my two cents on how I get through the day! :D :D :D :D

Also, MTBDARBY~~ I see you are from Wisconsin, are you doing the Purpose Driven Life at Elmbrook Church by any chance??? My family attends there and I've also been contemplating giving up a day (that I would usually probably go for a ride or run) to do it!!! Just curious!!!

Roshelle from Milwaukee
http://wisconsinbetties.blogspot.com/

Roshelle,
I think your post is relevent to the issue being discussed. I feel much the same way you do too, and I have similar ways of coping as well.
I happen to be an Atheist, but that does not prevent me from feeling "blessed" by the things in my life that I know others do not have. (goodhealth, a place to live, food, good friends, people who love me and who I love back, etc.) Like you, I often reflect on how grateful I am to have these things in my life, and how I must try to share some of those good things with those who may not have. I get strength and resolve from such reflections, and contemplating it all helps me to cope with stressful events and situations that naturally are a part of life too.

I have grappled with this for years. Faculty members think I should be around whenever they need me and the students think I work 24/7. My brothers "tease" me because I don't work a 60-80 hour week--but I don't earn the kind of money for that many hours. Of course none of them see the computer work on the weekends, the grading and keeping up with class prep, even though it isn't really part of my job to teach.

Having been in therapy three times since I took this job in 1990, there are no easy answers. Working out at the gym lowers my high levels of adrenaline. Having started riding this summer has helped. Knowing I am retiring in two months is definitely making a difference. But I still wake up at 4:30, wondering if I can get through the working day and what unpleasant things will hit me.

Spend time with people you enjoy and make time for activities you want to do. Easier to say than to do, but everything worthwhile takes some thought and effort.

This is a big problem for me. After a really, really bad year -- huge, crushing workload, a couple of miscarriages, my husband deciding that he didn't want kids anyway -- I decided that the least I could do for myself was to stop working weekends, to tell my firm that I can't do every single thing they ask me to do, and just dial it back a notch. But then two coworkers went out with medical problems that make my life look like a picnic, so there went that plan. There is no end in sight and most weeks it seems like there is not one thing I can do to bring a little joy to my life. Most weeks it is a struggle to find 20 minutes to work out, to walk the dogs, to clean the bathroom, to read a book.

I am the primary breadwinner and that makes the strain worse, probably, because I never have the option of just walking away. Although that option looks better and better.

Rochelle,
I'm up here in Merrill, so it's at Trinity Lutheran church. Just deciding to do the course has pepped me up a bit! I'm really looking forward to it.

Good for you! I'm thinking about doing the course this winter after all cycling events have slowed down. Good luck and if you remember when it's all over, let me know how it is!!!!

Take care!!!!

Roshelle

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Originally Posted by xeney

This is a big problem for me. After a really, really bad year -- huge, crushing workload, a couple of miscarriages, my husband deciding that he didn't want kids anyway -- I decided that the least I could do for myself was to stop working weekends, to tell my firm that I can't do every single thing they ask me to do, and just dial it back a notch. But then two coworkers went out with medical problems that make my life look like a picnic, so there went that plan. There is no end in sight and most weeks it seems like there is not one thing I can do to bring a little joy to my life. Most weeks it is a struggle to find 20 minutes to work out, to walk the dogs, to clean the bathroom, to read a book.

I am the primary breadwinner and that makes the strain worse, probably, because I never have the option of just walking away. Although that option looks better and better.

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Xeney, boy you have really gone through a lot. Sometimes you really have to ask, is this (situation, partner, job) what you want, today, tomorrow, the rest of your life?
do you really want to stay where you are?
for the rest of your only life?

Xeney--I have to agree with Mimi--you sound so unhappy! I could think of a couple of suggestions, like hiring someone to clean the house maybe a couple of times a month, or getting the non-primary breadwinner to pitch in a little with the bathroom-cleaning and dog-walking. But those are just stop-gap measures, when the real issue lies in asking yourself those questions Mimi asked.

On the other hand, I'm no shining example. I have a great campus gym where I can work out, but only go sporadically. I love yoga, but only get there about once or twice a month. Absolutely KNOW I need to eat better, but somehow...don't. Loving to ride my bike and actually doing it are my saving graces. And remembering, like Lisa S.H., all the good things I DO and HAVE in my life.

Just my $.02.

Dogmama, good questions. I have no clue. :)

I think life is a balance. Sometimes, I'm leaning too much in one direction and I start neglecting the other parts of my life. Something wakes me up and I remember to balance again. It happens over and over and over again so you're in great company. :)

Xeney, I worked 6 days a week for six years. I just went back to 5 days a week this year. What I did during those years that kept me sane was become fiercely protective of my day off. I had to. Sometimes I didn't do anything with the day and sometimes I did alot with the day. I did learn to say no - I can't come to whatever or do whatever - cause I needed some time during the week that was mine. I could fill it up ahead of time with stuff I wanted to do but I wouldn't allow it to fill up with stuff that I didn't really want to do. Hang in there.

This is a pretty inspiring thread! I'm glad I stopped in to read it.

I, too, have not been making the time for me for quite awhile. A move to a new more challenging job in a new city, 4 months apart from my husband and kids (2 dogs and 2 cats), a new house, higher costs, lower income (DH is in school now to become a plumber)....

but my body took over and told me it was time to rest. Whatever the internal organ problem is will hopefully be diagnosed at my CT scan in one week. In the meantime, anything strenuous, including riding my bike, even power walking or doing pushups and situps, exhaust me in no time at all.

A series of reminders have led me back to yoga, and to some discoveries of yogic methods I had previously overlooked. I still have little discipline to delve very deeply, but at least I begin each day with a short, gentle yoga session.

I remind myself often of how much I have to be grateful for. This move has been such a relief from the life we were living in a depressing little town. My job is interesting, and will always be changing and new. I have opportunities in this new city to develop a business in my other passion, photography, and my husband has gotten out of the dead-end mill job and will be a plumber! Even the dogs and cats seem to be doing better.

Being somewhat addicted to adrenalin, it is difficult to tell myself that it's not only okay, but quite necessary for me to spend lots of time resting, walking gently, stretching, just be-ing, but I am beginning to get the hang of it. Thank goodness I have my husband, my "kids" and my camera! And, if I keep on this journey and this practice, one day I'll even be thankful for *me*. As will you.

You are exactly where the universe wants you to be right now. Follow your intuition. Do you need change? Or is there another lesson in there for you?

Be well

Namaste,
~T~

Thank you for the expressions of concern, everyone. It has been a really rough year but on my better days I do see that there is an end in sight, eventually. My husband will be mostly done with school at the end of the spring semester, which will give him more free time, and give me more options for work. Right now I have to keep my job and my benefits, because he needs a fourth round of knee surgery. Once that is over I will probably quit and go into private practice, something I planned to do last year but scrapped when his job situation got dicey.

I'm a little afraid to make plans, though, because they tend to go awry. I had all kinds of thoughts about taking it easy this fall, being nice to myself, scaling back, but then my office wound up incredibly short handed after two medical emergencies put two of our biggest workers out for three to five months. It's hard to plan for the big emergencies, you know?

Right now I am coping by doing a really bad job at every task that I secretly think is dumb and unimportant busy work. ;)

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Originally Posted by xeney

Right now I am coping by doing a really bad job at every task that I secretly think is dumb and unimportant busy work. ;)

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Fabulous! Your coping strategy enables my laugh therapy!

Namaste,
~T~

... so how do you pull someone *out* of the basket?

DGF is convinced that she *has* to work 52 hour weeks to "pay the bills, buy the food, put money in savings, etc etc etc." and has assured me that since one of her 3 jobs is being outsourced (later this year? next year?) she'd only be working 2 jobs after awhile... but this has also changed, so she would pick up the 18 hours at her other job. The excuse? "I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't working. What would I do, go home and clean?"

...I'm a messy critter. I said "Of course not. You used to work 48 hours a week, go to the gym, run, etc etc. What do you do now? You work 52 hrs a week, are exhausted, come home and go to sleep, or loaf because there's no energy left. Rediculous!"

...Cue grumping in my direction... to the effect of "If you made more money, I wouldn't have to work so much."

...cue job hunting on my part.

Ugh. How do you convince someone to just sit down, shut up, and do something that makes her happy that isn't work?! ARGH. It's not like we have kids or some outrageous rent or huge, high med bills or anything... she should have time to enjoy her life.

/rant.

Work addiction is insidious because it is lauded in our society. Does she realize that she is addicted to this "busy-ness?" Ask her what she is running from. Assuming that you really don't need the extra money, there are other things going on here.

that was pretty much what I asked. Her previous relationship was lousy, so when she honestly didn't care if she was at work or at home, she figured "why not work, I get money for being there" and even after that, she got 'used' to it, so... yeah. I don't *think* we need the money, but she feels like it's 'safety' and the more of it she can have, the happier she is, though I remind her (sometimes getting sort of upset) that she's going to look back on her mid-to-late 20s as "That time that I.... worked." She doesn't get it... and when I try to explain it to her, she flat out says "I don't get it. Money's a good thing. I have all the time in the world."
... I wonder if the fact that her dad is an accountant has anything to do with it? :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Kitsune06

... I wonder if the fact that her dad is an accountant has anything to do with it? :rolleyes:

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No, really, I must object. It's an unrepresentative rogue element of 99.9% of accountants that give the rest of us a bad name. :D


Sadly I know from personal experience that no amount of telling will make a person see they are working too hard.....

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Originally Posted by Kitsune06

She doesn't get it... and when I try to explain it to her, she flat out says "I don't get it. Money's a good thing. I have all the time in the world."
...

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It sounds like she doesn't get that we don't have all the time in the world... there are no guarantees of how much time we get... I used to think that same way during my 20s, 30s and much of my 40s. There was a lot of someday thinking in my life. This year I had a cancer scare (luckily it turned out not to be cancer) that reminded me that those somedays are really todays and I am enjoying each day a whole lot more now than I did while waiting for someday. :) I missed time with some special people in my life who are now gone because of my "all the time in the world" thinking.:(

Yeah, I don't know how you get someone else to change the way they think, I just know the things that have changed the way I think.

A broken shoulder - a lot of sitting still and being amazed at the wonder of a flower

A dog going through cancer and cancer treatment - when your dogs are your kids this has a big impact. Lots of putting off other things, learning how to keep me healthy enough to cope, and losing myself in flowers some more

My husband having a cancer scare which, thankfully, turned out to not be cancer. Understanding that I have the strength to do what I have to do, and being so happy I don't have to prove it.

Depression caused by being black balled by the cycling community where I used to live for standing up for ethics. Trying to let go of things I can't control and getting lost in more flowers.

And most lately, the mysterious belly problem that we hope to be diagnosed by the CT scan next week. Trying to turn the frustration that this body that I had finally trained to be strong and fit that now needs more rest than an old man, into some kind of healing inspiration. Re-learning half-learned yoga lessons, and more flower saturation.

So, really, what has it all got me? I love to take photos. Check out my blog if you like. http://picsiechick.blogspot.com/
or PM me to be added to my picture a day list. I email one out to over a hundred people virtually every day, hoping that some smiles and positive energy reach the people who need it. Besides, one day those babies will make me the money I need to survive. Until then, I stick with the safety of the full time job.

We can't plan how we will learn and grow. We can only be receptive to the lessons that come into our lives.

In the meantime, I'll think of you both surrounded by butterflies. Perhaps there will be some surrender to the sound and stunning beauty of it.

Namaste,
~T~

When my husband went through the cancer surgery and multiple hospitalizations due to complications, I spent every day & night with him. I would go home twice a day to feed the dog & cat & let them outside. My world shrunk down to my home, the hospital and the route that I would drive. This went on for months.

I recall being jealous of people who got to get up, go to work and lead normal lives. Even Monday mornings looked good to me.

Guess I needed to start this thread to realize my blessings. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of the incredible women who posted.

T - my 14 year old German Shepherd (also my substitute kid) is having difficulty getting around due to a neurological condition. It breaks my heart every time her hips give out and she lands on the floor. I understand completely. I've cooked for her for over five years because she has IBS (just like me!) Occasionally, there are evenings when I'm making her dinners for the week and I send DH out for Subway!

Dogmama, I'm sorry about your "kid", it's never easy to watch them helplessly from the sidelines....

I guess that I didn't make my own message very clear, though. My dear dog survived 17 months after his diagnosis, and passed away nearly 6 years ago. It was life changing for me, so it made the list. The only item that I'm still living, we hope will be solved once the CT scan explains it. All the rest I experience the results of on a daily basis, but are part of my herstory.

I hope your German Shepherd has a gentle time of his last years. You're a wonderful person for being there for him.

And how is your husband doing now? When were the cancer treatments?

hugs and butterflies to you....
~T~

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Originally Posted by LBTC

And how is your husband doing now? When were the cancer treatments?
hugs and butterflies to you....
~T~

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He is doing well. His cancer was diagnosed 2.5 years ago. We went through a year of surgeries, chemo and multiple hospitalizations. The power of prayer is amazing.