Dear So and So

Dear Weather,

SNOW?! It's May. I'm not even supposed to still have my studded tires on! I was getting so excited because we were down to one tiny patch of snow in the yard.

And you decided to torment me with more.

I was good this winter. I did my chores, turned in my homework on time, and was nice to my coworkers. I let others merge into my lane (even the giant trucks with "Sierra Club Sucks!" bumper stickers).

I know I should make hay while the sun shines, but there was yard work to do this weekend, and I was really, really looking forward to getting back on my bike this morning. And I woke up to a white blanket on everything.

Can there please be no more snow until, say, October? That'd be nifty.

Sunshine and flowers,

Cindy


Dear Traffic Enforcement Division,

I know I'm supposed to have my studded tires changed over by May 1. I'll do it this week, I swear, as soon as my mechanic can fit me in.

Any chance you can continue to look the other way and not write me a ticket? I won't complain if you do, because I'll deserve it, but it would be super-nifty-neat-o if you cut me some slack.

I'll even stop plugging strangers' meters for the WHOLE month of June if you hold up your end of the bargain.

Hopefully,

Cindy

Dear germs,

PISS OFF!!!

Dear Bra Manufacturers:

Why can't you understand that some of us don't feel the need to succumb to your marketing drivel and are quite satisfied with our boobage? Some of us don't feel the need to maximize the volume or insulate an area that is already overly insulated? While I'm at it, could you also figure out that a 34D is big enough for the full figure section and waaaay too big for the little lacy scraps with strings? Perhaps you do make such a bra but the retailers won't carry it. Am I doomed to wander in the wasteland of women's foundation wear searching for a non-existent needle in a haystack [insert whimper]?

Dear Patagonia,

I love your Tiny Bra. But it would be nice if the stretchy band at the bottom was a _little_ more substantial so my boobies would stop trying (and succeeding!) to escape out the bottom...

Nanci

Dear Clueless Drivers,

I am riding faster than you think. You really should plan to merge behind me rather than cutting me off and causing me to brake hard to avoid hitting your car. It would cost you maybe ten seconds. You should count yourselves lucky that I like my bike too much and think it's too pretty to allow it to run into your ugly, fossil fuel burning, steel cages.

Sincerely,

Nearly Roadkill

Dear Toilet User(s),

Please check to make sure everything goes down before you leave the bathroom.

Nanci

Ewwwwwwwwwww - but so true.

Dear oh, you know who you are,

Thank you for our first (and last) date. While you are cute, funny, smart and sexy, you could really use a few first date pointers. Allow me to help you out:

1) Do not talk about your ex-girlfriends unless prompted. And even then.
2) If you disobey rule 1, please do not tell your date how sweet, nice and petite your ex-girlfriend is/was. We don't want to know.
3) If you invite your date on a bike ride, it'd be really nice to actually ride WITH her instead of zooming ahead and showing off your supposed bike prowess when really, she couldn't give a sh*t less that you can do a slalom course through lampposts, thereby dodging people and commanding a fair whack of disrepect
4) Ask her questions.
5) That's great that you love motorcycles. It's OK mentioning it once. It's even OK to mention it several times. But to ramble on a 15-minute dissertation about the intricacies of its ignition system isn't. Unless your audience seems geniunely interested. Your date's glazed over expression, coupled with an inability to ask any follow up questions is a good indication she doesn't care and is probably compiling her grocery list in her head.
6) If you've jumped the shark (lost interest), don't think you're doing anyone a favour by extending the date into a 2nd day. Really, your date would have been happier going for a ride with friends instead.
7) Ask more questions. About her.
8) and most importantly, be interesting and INTERESTED.

Good luck out there. I think you're going to need it.

Yeah. Like carback said!

...and: When you write your follow-up email, the phrase "I hope lunch wasn't too painful for you ;-)" is not enticing.

A 10 minute riff on why we need to re-establish the gold standard as the basis of our currency is boring.

Your former step-son did not wreck your marriage. Telling me the same story three times does not make it so.

Checking to make sure I'm of Northern European descent first doesn't mean I'll be OK with your anti-Semitic or racist comments.

Don't tell me how the last three women done you wrong. It makes me not want to be #4 when you're out with #5.

If you don't want to see me again, or you don't want to keep the date you made with me, have the decency to say so. I'll get over it, and really, you can endure the momentary discomfort of seeing or hearing my response. I'll be polite. If you're not man enough to tell me directly, send an email. Good grief.

Similarly, if I say it's not working for me, please have the dignity to walk away. I will.

The above based on dates with a variety of guys I met on-line.

Dear Department Managers - please do not attempt to blame your the $1 million dollars in outstanding claims on me. I run the production, I transmit the claims, and provide you with the reports. It's up to you to follow up on them, not me. Try to pin this on me and I will nail you to the wall......

Love,

Your pizzy IT Technician

Dear Event Photographers,

Could you please use the skinny filter, and give me fair warning so my face isn't frozen in the Dead Elvis Grin?

Thanks!

Dear Thrift Store Angels,

Thank you for guiding me to the Salvation Army yesterday afternoon, when I really had no real reason to go. I picked up a Topeak floor pump with a gauge for only 2 bucks :D ! I have yet to try it on a tire, but it does blow air out of the Presta valve, and the gauge needle moves when I do that, so chances are it functions, and really, that's all I need. I can deal with the stiction at the top of the stroke, but I do hope I can sneak some lube down there and loosen 'er up a bit.

Please continue to look out for me and guide me to the various tools and apparatus of life that I will be needing (like furniture) as I embark on this next leg of my life journey. I'm going to be needing all the help I can get. I know I can count on you, oh Spirit of the Thrift Store, as you have been so kind to me all these years.

Yours On a Budget,
fixedgeargirl

Dear Lady on the Side of the Road in a Residential Area,

There is no need for you to laugh at me and call out mockingly, 'Having problems keeping up?' because I am lagging a good bit behind the rest of my group. It is 6:30 on a Tuesday evening and I have just worked an 8 hour day and am on the last 6 miles of my 20 mile rolling hill ride, following which I will head to the climbing gym and work out for another 3 hours. I am a new cyclist and have not yet developed the stamina to keep up with my group at all times (particularly after Tuesday icecream stops!). Please keep your nasty comments to yourself, or perhaps try and get your behind on a bike and do a fraction of what I do in a day, and then maybe you will have the right to laugh at me for getting tired.

Sincerely,

An angry and tired cyclist.

Dear Thunderstorms,

Please stop raining. You graciously provided us with multiple inches of rain overnight and tornado sirens... twice. Now, you're at it again. The streets are flooded, my pool is overflowing, my poor baby tomato plants are drowning, and I really wanted to ride with my new saddle this afternoon - before I go out of town for a week where all I will do is eat and get zero exercise. I see on the radar that you are planning to hammer us periodically throughout the day. Go somewhere else - but be gentle with them.

Thank you.

Dear Kimmyt,

Please point out that lady. My friends and I wanna ride with you in her neighborhood soon...

biker <evil> chick