Getting married- ? do I change my name

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Originally Posted by ny biker

As for people automatically calling you "Mrs.", I've never been married but people address me as Mrs. Mylastname all the time. I always have to stifle the impulse to say "My mother's not here."

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I'm not married either, but when I am somewhere by myself, I seldom get called Mrs. xxxx. Many people often refer to me as "Miss".

At the German engineering firm that I used to work for, I had to explain to a German systems employee that we flew in from head office, that the software settings for automatic assignment of saluations for generating letter templates, had to be changed to: replace "Miss", "Mrs."...with Ms. The guy wasn't a dummy and accommodating, but he was genuinely unfamiliar with the English saluation of "Ms." for business purposes. I understand that there is no German language equivalent to "Ms".

'Course I had to gently add that a woman's marital status has no bearing whatsoever on her competence and what she does for her job, while she is at work.

I never had any female employee drop by and ask me to change software settings back to the old.

Aiyaaaahhhhhh! This is the 21st century and Germany is full of working women, plus female engineers.....

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Originally Posted by Tuckervill

Everyone who said they like the "team" or family having the same name, my question is, why does it have to be "his" name?

Karen

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We felt (and still do) that the team idea was important to us. Oddly enough, it never even occurred to me to ask if he'd take my name when we got married. I was just so excited to get a name that was easier to pronounce/spell! Anyway, after reading this thread again, I just asked my H if he'd have taken my last name had I asked. 6 years later, his answer: sure, why not?

For us, it's just a name. My identity is defined by who I am and how I live...not by what people call me.

Honestly, nothing bristles me more than when people assume that I'm not a strong independent woman just because I took my husband's last name.

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Originally Posted by anakiwa

One part of me would like to consider keeping one name professionally and taking the other for my personal life- but I hesitate because I suspect it will only lead to a lifetime of confusion.

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I know many women in academia and medicine who do this. Privately, they use their husband's name and the kids do too, but at work, they're still Dr. Birthname. As long as you're consistent, it works.

I took my hubby's name after much consideration. I like my birth name- it's extremely rare and it's, well me... but DH's family name is also extremely rare, so we're saving a name either way. I would have done the 2 last name thing, but it's waaay too long and weird. And I have some nephews to carry on my family's name. So I'm Gwenn middlename DHname legally, but scientifically and some other times, Gwenn E.C. DHname or the long version of Gwenn birthname DHname. It's still me whichever way.

The only really weird thing was the first 6-8 mos getting used to answering the phone with a different name. Writing it was fine, but saying it took a lot of getting used to.

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Originally Posted by Zen

Huh?
Tradition and marriage, heh. This could send us down a very slippery slope here...

I despise tradition.

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It could - but I was ONLY referring to why taking his last name when we felt part of a team - not the entire insitution of marriage ;).

Surprisingly, I'm not usually one to defer to tradition either. I don't despise it, but don't tend to follow it too closely. I guess that like GLC, a better answer would have been that it never occurred to me to ask him to take my name either....

SheFly (the oxymoron :D)

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Originally Posted by trinena

my pet peeve: in correspondence being addressed as MRS. his first name & last name. it makes me want to give a quickie women's studies class.

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Too true!! I don't care what last name you slap on there and can even forgive one or both of them being slaughtered in spelling (they're not that hard, but wow), but the not even being worthy of having my own first name convention is weird.....

Granted, my gramma had return labels of Mrs. Frank DHname even after grandpa died, but them's were different times.

My Mammaw still signs everything Mrs. M.W. last name. My Pawpaw (M.W.) died in 1982. She is 91 but not a very outwardly affectionate person. One day I took her to the cardiologist and she opened up about how she was so depressed after he died she wished she had known to ask for help but people didn't do that in 1982. I think they did but people like my Mammaw from extremely rural Texas haven't been one to run to "the shrink".

So even though it is her generation I think of her signing the name as holding onto a man she loved even though she has trouble showing love. It is sweet to me. Just like a month before he died he bought brand new boots, the three kids begged her to give them to charity but she kept them these 27 years. She just needs to have pieces of him, kind of sad and kind of sweet.

I don't mind being called Mrs. Last name or Mrs. Amanda Last name. I am not too keen on being called Mrs. DH first name last name.

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Originally Posted by GLC1968

We felt (and still do) that the team idea was important to us. Oddly enough, it never even occurred to me to ask if he'd take my name when we got married. I was just so excited to get a name that was easier to pronounce/spell! Anyway, after reading this thread again, I just asked my H if he'd have taken my last name had I asked. 6 years later, his answer: sure, why not?

For us, it's just a name. My identity is defined by who I am and how I live...not by what people call me.

Honestly, nothing bristles me more than when people assume that I'm not a strong independent woman just because I took my husband's last name.

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Ditto.

I haven't read every single post, so apologies if its gotten off topic or someone already mentioned this . . .

I took on DH's last name and changed my middle name to my maiden name. Make sense? It was more work to do that, but it was worth it. Of course, my maiden name was Dean, so it wasn't a strange name to make a middle name.

I go by all three names in some circles and just first and last in others. I thought it was a nice way to keep my maiden name, yet I don't have to sign papers and checks with a hyphenated last name.

I really like both my first and middle names. I don't think I've ever met anyone that has my middle name as their first name. I'd never just drop it to fit something else in.

If heell freezes over and I ever get married again I might just change my last name to McGee. It goes with everything :)

I skipped on some of this thread, too, so hopefully it's not redundant...

I am one of the children with both my mom/dad's names. My mom kept her name when she got married, I've heard that it was because 1) she had already started a professional career and didn't want to confuse anyone, and 2) she doesn't like that taking his name is following the old convention of the husband owning his wife. I was born Aubrey Dad'sLastname, and got the option in first grade to add my mom's name on, so now I'm Mom'sLastname-Dad'sLastname. A LOT of people think that I'm married because I'm hyphenated, but I'm not. But I like having my name hyphenated because it makes it a completely unique name, and I'm pretty sure that even though I have a LONG signature :rolleyes: I am not ever going to take my future DH's name, if ever there be. My sister took her husband's name when she got married, and now I think her name sounds silly instead of unique. And now I'm really the only person in the world with my name. That's really cool :D . I bet though that when/if I have children, they'll have my theoretical DH's name, to make things simple....not sure though.

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Originally Posted by Zen

I really like both my first and middle names. I don't think I've ever met anyone that has my middle name as their first name. I'd never just drop it to fit something else in.

If heell freezes over and I ever get married again I might just change my last name to McGee. It goes with everything :)

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But what if you marry a guy whose last name is McGee???

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Originally Posted by Zen

Huh?

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Women just need a copy of the marriage certificate.

My understanding is that men typically need a court order.

So here's a new twist, which I was reminded of yesterday.

My friend's husband is a radio announcer, and uses an assumed name, because his real name is not really great for radio. For 15 years he was known all over town as his radio name, except to those who knew his wife and family, and we all called him by his real name. THEN they moved to another state and a similar radio name already existed, so he had to change it.

Now my friend gets mail addressed to THREE different Mrs. His Name, and she only has one husband! lol.

Karen

Tuckerville, I agree with you. Don't try to test my independence just because I took my husband's name!
Zen, I can't tell if you are kidding or not, with some of your posts!
While I am definitely not traditional (ask my kids, who were constantly embarrassed by my non-traditionalism when they were younger), I do believe that traditions and rituals are very important. Traditions don't need to be "traditional," but people who don't have them often are lonely and depressed.

And nothing bugs me more than when someone addresses a letter to me as Mrs. husband's first, last name. Thankfully, only my grandmother did that and she died in 1997. Every time she wrote to me, my husband would open it, because he saw his name on the envelope.

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Originally Posted by msincredible

Women just need a copy of the marriage certificate.

My understanding is that men typically need a court order.

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In British Columbia and in most places in Canada (except Quebec where neither men nor women change their name) to my knowledge it's the same procedure for men and women. (Or men and men or women and women since same-sex marriage is permitted.)

I would be surprised if it was different in the USA as for civil matters the system is usually the same. Any better info from South-of-49th?