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I would agree with Mimitabby....I do everything, bills, cleaning, cooking etc....although..now that the kids are grown and out of the house..he cleans the living room (where he spends all his time) and if there are less than 10 dishes in the sink...he will do them. something wrong here!! I told him that next time around I was getting a wife :-)
I highly recommend the wife option...;)
Knot-has-no-legal-rights-in-the-US-and-knows-it
Over the years, my DH and I have worked out a pretty good system--we each do what we do better than the other. I do all the housework, but he does all the yard work. We have a big enough yard with enough leaf dropping trees that this is equitable. I like the housework done a certain way (okay, MY way), so I'd end up redoing it if he tried. We split most other duties. I dothe dinner cooking and the dishes (I can make things that don't require a can opener). He manages a bike shop, so he does any bike maintenance beyond cleaning and changing flats.
So, why do you ladies who do nearly everything (that seems to be a common response here) put up with it?Quote:
Originally Posted by im4smiley
I'm not trying to be rude, just truly curious. It just doesn't seem right to me to put up with that disparity unless it is serving you in some way. Don't you get resentful? If you don't, and you truly do enjoy doing most everything, then that's one thing...but I'd wager that most of the "do it all" gals here have to resent it just a bit. I know I would.
I just can't imagine doing 90%+ of everything unless I were at home full-time and DH worked. Then I would. If we both worked or both didn't work, forget it -- it's got to be divvied up in some semblance of 50/50. Fortunately, my DH is a rare bird; he's always done a lot. He likes to stay busy; he's not one to sit around and watch TV, except late in the evening. And since I'm the one working full-time, and he's retired, I do a lot less right now than he does.
Just trying to understand....
Emily
I unfortunately do about 90% of the work....DH does the bills and sometimes mows. We both work full time, my job pays more and has longer hours. I think a lot of it has to do with which part of the county your significant other grew up. My husband is from the hill country of Texas, and many men from that area seem to expect these "typical" male/women roles. He does help with the housework if I ask, but only with lots of complaining and resentment. In the past I've asked for more help, but the "help" only lasts for a few weeks.
I do have one thing that might help....I've told him he has to help out more before we have any kids. No help = no kids.
You can train them to help. It's easier if you start off small and give lots of praise. If you sit down and make a list of everything you do in a day, and everything he does in a day and then list the things you each get to do in your free time (ie how many minutes/hours of tv or reading or relaxing or biking etc), you will often see pretty quickly that you do way more work and less free-time. It's hard for him to argue if you show him the list. I don't buy the whole argument that he works and you stay home so you should do ALL the home stuff. When I was a SAHM with two toddlers, I agreed to do all the housework during the day. But when he came home, he had to help with the child-rearing and after dinner housework. My day didn't end at 5, why should his?
Anyway, I started with insisting that he help with the dishes, later we moved to him doing all the dishes as long as I cooked. Then we set aside one morning a week that we did housework together and I gave him his choice of what he wanted to do. It wasn't always easy but it's worth working on. It took me about 10 years to get it working though.
This time around, I have stepped up the training and expect to be done in 10 months instead of 10 years. :D :D
I was married, please note the word "was". I did it all, ALL OF IT. And was not appreciated. This is one, no two reasons why I'm not married. My ex also lurks on this site from time to time........... Oops there is another reason.
To all who can, share the work, it is the only way.
I'm glad that this approach seems to have worked for you. However, I think if I took this approach with Silver or vice versa, then fireworks may have resulted. Don't misunderstand...I like the list idea, but comparing you vs. him...well, I'm not sure that would work with everyone.Quote:
Originally Posted by kelownagirl
Personally, I'd suggest simply listing the tasks and making it clear that you need his help in sharing the burden equally.
Just my humble opinion...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Silver
Most of that was tongue in cheek actually Mr. S. But honestly, in my first marriage, at one point I really did sit down and make a list of everything I did because he just didn't get it. I think for many men, it's the way they're brought up. It's tough for them to see another point of view, that women weren't put on this earth to serve them.
Sorry for thinking you were serious, but you're right. My mother came home from work every night, cooked dinner, washed dishes, and on weekends did laundry. She had a cleaning woman for other stuff...If I were to look to that role model...I wouldn't have known better. Silver's mother was exactly the same.Quote:
Originally Posted by kelownagirl
Aggie,
my mother married a first generation american that she met in Texas, so first he was spoiled by his aristocratic polish bourgeois mother, and then by his first wife, a texas born and bred stay at home mom.
My mother has trained him to vacuum, load the dishwasher and MAKE HIS OWN LUNCH. This dude is 80 (they were about 55 when they got married)
so it CAN be done.
My mother still complains about all that she has to do, but you can get your man to help out...
He's got it way too easy.
Native Texan , married to a native Texan. He was raised by his mother after his parents divorced in a home with a Texas Hill Country bred stepfather. His stepdad does a lot of things for them. I have seen my stepfather-in-law wash dishes, repairing things, making dinner, etc... I think my mother-in-law trained him though. It isn't where you are born, it is how you were raised. My father-in-law pretty much only tends to the yard and the grill, but my husband didn't grow up in his house.
We divide the housework. Honestly, my DH does more than his fair share when his job requires 5-10 more than mine a week. I do the bills and slack on almost everything else. I do all the cooking, unless it involves the grill. :) The onyl thing DH hasn't done in the 5 years we have lived together is clean a toilet (I do that).
My uncle is getting us a knew kitchen sink and faucet and was asking me what I wanted. I told him "I don't know, C does most of the dished. We should ask him!"
Well, my husband's mother did everything for all 4 kids and his dad (who looks helpless when he is confronted with making a sandwich), but my husband came into our marriage willing to do everything equally. It's really an equity issue. When we were first married, we actually had a list and schedule of all household tasks on the fridge. I have lightened up considerably. We are both clean and tidy, but my husband is super tidy, almost anal. I am a bit of a secret slob , like don't look in my dresser drawers. I just couldn't be married to someone who expected me to come home and do everything. My dad always came home, did child care, gave my mom time to herself, even in the fifties.
Maybe if couples discussed this before they married or moved in together, and then re-evaluated on a regular basis, there would be less of an issue. But, I guess they're all thinking about those $20,000 weddings!
lol. if my husband looked helpless when confronted with making a sandwich, he would have starved 25 years ago!!! :D :rolleyes: ;) :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by Robyn Maislin