I'm the same way, I need my private space to decompress.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pax
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I'm the same way, I need my private space to decompress.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pax
Last night I found out my first love commited suicide. It was a very complicated situation, ugly divorce, adult kids and his bio family refusing to talk to him, loss of status, money, etc. We reconnected in 1996, but it was only in the past 5 years that we really started talking again. He was at my house for dinner last May and he was back in town in the fall, when I met him for coffee after I came back from Portugal.
He lived outside DC and had planned to move back here. It was a hasty decision, he met someone on-line tangentially connected to a web site where we reflect on memories of growing up in our town. She did not go to my high school, I don't know her. Short story is, he flew up here, stuff on the way, they had a fight, and he flew back to DC, where he was relegated back to the basement of his ex and his home.I talked to him as he was on the way back to the airport. There are definitely 2 sides to every story, but this is just really sad. I was on the phone most of last night with my 2 closest friends from high school. The weird thing is, that his family (ex and daughters) have a Go Fund Me page for "expenses." Why? I hope they don't act all sad, after the way they acted. No one knows if the girlfriend who kicked him out knows. She had been messaging me incessently all last week, trying to find out if I had heard from him. I sent her a message with my phone #, to call me, but no response. She is going to need some serious help...
So sorry Crankin, that is such a complex and sad situation.
Incredibly complicated. My phone has been buzzing like crazy as I sit here seeing the kids at Hudson HS. So, the ex girlfriend did contact me finally. She knows. She is going to call me at 1:15, after I get home from work and PT. Then I will take a nice walk in the woods or an easy ride.
I guess what is so sad is that he was a person who everyone saw as perfect when we were kids. Smart, athletic, kind, socially aware. I know this means nothing in terms of mental health, and I wish I knew everything. I am glad we reconnected and I was able to apologize for making a bad choice at age 18.
However, the good thing is I had 2 wonderful talks with my best friend from middle/high school last night. It was like no time elapsed. Talking to her was like hearing my own voice.
Oh man, Crankin. That's so sad. Do take care of yourself.
Interacting with the high school kids this morning is keeping me busy and very engaged. I am ok, albeit somewhat numb. I know that's normal and everyone else who was his friend (and it's a lot of people who have been affected by this) feels the same way. I can't really talk to my friends about this, for a lot of reasons. I can talk to my high school friends, though, and DH.
Not gonna do that. I am already home for the day, and I only have morning clients tomorrow. In fact, I'd get a lot of questions in this situation, if I did that! Going to get ready to go outside...
I'm so sorry Crankin. Please take care.
So sad that a promising person did not make through his life happier. My thoughts with you, Crankin. Glad you got to chat up with him.
I feel so much better after a 3.5 mile hike in 68 degree weather. I wore a skort. No snow on the trail at all! Birds singing and peepers peeping. The end of the trail backs up to a housing development in the next town, so it's less woodsy. I sat down on a big rock and let the sun shine on my face. Heaven. Then I hiked back, up the big grade to my house.
I spoke to the girlfriend. She says her alarms were going off before he left and that she knows it was not her fault. She's a talker, and I suspect I may hear from her again. Now, the person who actually told me about this, whom he dated for awhile (this precipitated his separation, divorce, etc), and was an actual friend of mine, is going a little nuts on Facebook. She posted his HS grad picture, which is quite a memory inducer for me. But, I know this woman is a bit "off." She moved away a year before i did and seems to have reconnected with people who barely remember her. All of this is quite weird. After all, we are all in our early 60s...
Sorry to hear about your friend, Crankin.
There's a graveside funeral here on Sunday. I am conflicted. Afraid that there may be family drama there. The ex-wife and kids won't know who I am, but his brother and mom will. I am supposed to do a pre-ride of a new ride I am leading. I can miss this, but I am still not sure. I haven't asked DH to go with me yet, I have one friend who might be able to go. I am afraid that if I don't go, I will regret it, but another part of me says just remember the good stuff, of which there is a lot.
I'm so sorry, Crankin. Sounds like a difficult situation all around. Keep taking care of yourself.
I most definitely would stay in the background! My experience has been that when there is a graveside service for a Jewish person (we did this for my dad's mom), it's usually very small, immediate family and there's no funeral home service because of money. No one knows about this, it's not in the paper, nothing on our HS Facebook page or anywhere else.
I am leaning toward not going.
Murienn, I was not married to this person... he was my first serious boyfriend. We started dating in middle school, sort of broke up at the beginning of grade 10, then before I moved that year, we reconnected. I spent most of my last 2 years of high school flying between Miami and Boston. He was supposed to come down for my prom, and his parents wouldn't pay for it. Thus, I was asked by someone whom I stupidly did date and marry at age 22. I had a rough couple of years after I left my first husband and met my DH. Not all bad, but some of, well, bad. When I graduated high school, I came up here to Boston, with the wrong one, to attend college. One night, right before classes started, my "friend" appeared at my aunt and uncle's house with a friend of mine, who is my uncle's niece (her father's brother married my mother's sister). They walked into the house, not knowing my new boyfriend was there. It had to be one the most awful events in my life, because I knew right there I had made a grievious mistake. But, I was too f*n immature to send the guy packing and reach out to the one I loved. He even sent me letters... at one point, after I divorced, I thought about contacting him, but I decided not to. I was still mortified, after 6 years. I don't regret my life now, and I have the best husband, ever. But, I know I was really immature!
And, btw, we reconnected because my 13 year old son did an internet search for him in 1996, when the net was rather new. My son sent him an email and he responded! Needless to say, I was mortified.
I am not going to the funeral. I will think about him during my ride, and he would have loved that.
You, of all people, like me, know that suicide is complex. Everyone reacts differently, regardless of their relationship with the deceased. I like what you have planned - a ride to remember him. I have done that often, thinking of my brother.
So sorry that you have to go through this. When will we, as a society, get our heads out of our butts and start recognizing suicide and mental illness for the epidemic it has become? I am hearing all too often of friends who are being impacted by this, and it makes me so very, very sad.
SheFly
I do know this, SheFly, and thank you! Thank you, to everyone here. I have sort of been assigned the role of making sure everyone is OK by people, but everyone (from my hometown) is checking in on me, too. I went back and looked at the string of last texts from him. I should have seen something in some of those. I was very upset when his girlfriend told me yesterday, that he had been threatening suicide during the weekend he was here, and that he told her he wouldn't attempt, he would do it. He flew back to DC and did it...
I feel so good about talking to my friend Judie Wednesday night. She also left me a long voice mail, yesterday. I know I will hear from her tonight, too. She also lived in VA and had stayed connected to him. I wasn't kidding when I said I heard myself in her voice... she even swore the same way I do, when I'm mad, and at the end of the conversation, she said she had not used so many Yiddish words in a conversation in like 40 years!
I feel badly for DH. He has been extremely sick with a bronchial thing, and home most of the week. I got the news when he was out at CVS, buying Mucinex. I briefly gave him the details, but I haven't burdened him with the ugly details, as he is really a wreck. I suspect he thinks most of these phone calls have been clients, so I will tell him all when he feels better.
This is normal survivor guilt, but you need to let it go. I spent years after my high school boyfriend committed suicide in the guilt cycle. In the end, I was finally able to realize that there wasn't anything different that I could have done for him. Instead of feeling the guilt, enjoy the memories that you do have. Honor him with your bike ride, and be glad that you were able to reconnect and enjoy your friendship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Crankin
SheFly
(((((Crankin)))))
SheFly has good advice. Thinking of you. Hope your DH feels better soon, for both of your sake.
{{{{Crankin}}}} hang in there, SheFly is spot-on, not what we need to tell you that. Sending you warm thoughts of comfort and strength in this difficult time and hope your DH feels better soon!
Yeah, I know what it is, and really, it's not *bad* survivor's guilt. My clinical radar has been up since February, when he texted me the day the divorce was final. Now, he initiated it, but I think he was scared sh!tless, and was also a little used to playing the victim. I told him to call me if he needed to talk, and within 10 seconds of that text, he called and asked how I felt when I got divorced. I told him it was comparing apples and oranges, as I was 23 years old and barely felt married, just mad at myself for getting into that mess. I think he was so distraught over his adult daughters not talking to him and telling him he was evil, causing them go into therapy. He was not allowed to go to the younger one's college graduation. He sold his company a few years ago, spent the $ supporting his parents, and couldn't find a job. Enough to cause anyone to be hopeless.
I am fine, looking forward to a great riding weekend here in Boston.
Have fun, it looks like the weather will be great! I am considering trying out my new brace on a gentle set of dirt hiking trails for a mile or two this weekend myself.Quote:
Originally Posted by Crankin
{{{{{{{{{{ Crankin }}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am pleased and relieved today that my mother approves (or at least appears to, in email) of our plans to return to Mexico after spending the summer in the US visiting her and my DH's parents. I know she'd prefer we stay in NC, but that is not in the cards right now, so I am happy to have her support for this "alternative" lifestyle we have adopted since retiring.
I just turned 54, and it surprises me how much I still crave my mother's approval. When my dad was alive, it was his approval I always looked for and was fearful of not getting. Now that he's not here, I seem to have transferred that need towards my mother.
We all crave approval. Some from parents, some from friends, others from spouses or co-workers. I think I mostly crave professional approval, because honestly, I always have been on the leading edge of social trends and not really giving a crap about what others think of the personal parts of my life. Perhaps that is because I've always been really social and had a lot of friends, and I had really accepting parents. I feel lucky to have been around people who have just accepted me with all of my "stuff." I'm feeling really lucky right now to still feel such strong connections to some of the friends I've had since I was 12 years old...
So, a little update...
My perspective has now changed, and frankly, I feel like some people are still in high school.
On Monday, a holiday here, I was greeted by a long FB message from the girlfriend, kind of ranting, it was not her fault, she saw the red flags, had to protect herself. I answered her back, repeating my mantra, normal survivor's guilt, get some help, etc. Then I received a friend request from some woman in N. Carolina, whom I do not know at all, except that she was a friend of my ex-boyfriend. A friend a couple of years younger, from my hometown, who was proclaiming that she had "loved him since she was 15." Oy. Not sure what kind of love she meant, but none the less, creepy. She appeared to be divorced, some kind of artist. OK, after that, more messages from the girlfriend. She told me that he had told her some personal stuff about our relationship; not gritty details, and I suppose the kind of things you discuss with a partner when getting to know them, but that set me off. She told me he had lied about how many partners he had had, so it was in the context of that conversation. I ended the conversation with the same thing I've been telling everyone: Remember the good times, and for her benefit I said, you know, we had a really good relationship, and that's what I am going to remember, not this stuff in the present. Then... messages from the "other" girlfriend, the one he arrived at the reunion with 2 years ago, that started this whole thing. They were no longer a thing, but she seemes to be carrying a torch. She was just struggling with the fact that he had a commited relationship with the other one, that he lied about this.
OK, I do not not want to be a member of this club, where the common denominator is lying to divorced women to make yourself feel better. He did not lie to me, as my BS radar is quite effective and always has been. Finally, Tuesday night, I had a long conversation with my best friend from my teenaged years, that I mentioned in one of my above posts. This is the best thing to have come out of this. We are not going to let another 20 or 40 years go by again... it feels really good to have her back in my life.
Yes, I blocked the weirdo from NC. The girlfriend is going to get a little time and I most likely will block her if she keeps ranting. The other girlfriend is someone I actually knew and I've been FB friends with her for awhile. She's weird, but this is nothing new. She's grieving.
It's cold out again... Might be like 37 when I ride to work tomorrow.
It was 32 here this morning, I need to be at the beach and be warm, this endless cold just makes my knee ache all the time.
When do you move to Florida? :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Pax
32 in the morning and the marathon called off for lightning mid-morning today?! :eek:
Soon ....
Warmer weather MUST come soon, yes?
It has to come soon. We're freezing for the time of season here! At least the forecast should improve some on Tuesday. Some areas got snow! We're almost May. My heat pump is working around the clock. Normally, we have it off and even the air conditionning can be cranked up a bit on some days. Certainly far from it with something nearing 0c (32f) tonight. brrrrr The good thing: NO bugs out yet. hihi
And husband went riding with the club (1st informal ride) last Saturday and the guy in front of him was zigzaging and for no reason anyone can think of, braked. Husband had 2 options: the ditch or swing to the left. He opted for the left...but the other rider too! So he snapped hubby's front wheel. Long story short: hubby fell (still clipped), serious wound on right thigh. He was lucky that he landed about an inch from his hip bone. Just a small pain on his right shoulder, nothing broken. His helmet touched the ground but did not bang the head. Anyway, he was on crutches for a few days, some anti-inflammatory pills, physio and he did his 1st trainer - just light wheel spins today. He'll be able to start riding smoothly outside, but no club ride yet.
So it is a good thing the weather is nasty... keeps him calmed down and not wanting to ride. Gives him time to heal. hihi
Two more weeks!! :pQuote:
Originally Posted by emily_in_nc
It has been crazy, Friday was perfect weather for marathon, today will be the same... but yesterday was nuts! Cold followed by wrath of god rain with thunder and lightening. I know it killed them to cancel, it's a huge deal here.Quote:
Originally Posted by OakLeaf
That weather sounds just crazy! I won't complain about cold and a little rain here... I did get in a 30 mile ride yesterday, after all. Trying to speed up the warming process by ordering 2 new short sleeved jerseys from TE, and throwing out 3 jerseys that I bought in 2003 or 4. I love one of them, but jersey design has changed (for the better) and they are all too short on me.
Helene, hope your husband is OK. This is why I rarely go on group rides anymore, even the groups I ride with, which are not even pacelines. I'm OK with riding with up to about 5 people. People I know!
I will ride today, but except for Wednesday, I won't be able to ride or commute this week, due to a combination of weather, going to a workshop, and a haircut appointment.
Yikes Helene! Hope he heals up quick. Any more, I'll pull for an entire ride before I'll draft a squirrel.
Thanks for him.
Husband was last in the peloton. This other guy had been warned by the ride leader at the beginning of the ride to stop zigzaging. Husband learned a lesson. He is no longer riding near cyclists that he has not seen in a ride and knows how this new one does in group. He will also keep a bit further behind if he has a choice. His group leader filed a formal complaints too but was replied that the 2 new guys were good cyclists! Heuh! They never saw them in the club before. And if you are used to a peloton, you don't zigzag or break for nothing. But 1st ride is also very touchy as everyone is not into the "feel" of a ride. He was also told that he will be "protected" by other members he knows so he can feel he rides safely. But for now, no club ride for a little while. He has to heal before.
I'm no fan of tight group rides. I guess you either like or not. I prefer to ride just the 2 of us, even if I don't go fast or tire more easily. I ride for fun, not speed.
They are even talking about cycling just a few of them, out of the club, since they ride well together and feel very comfy between us. It does not mean you'll never have an accident, but when you ride with people you trust, it makes a ride much more enjoyable.
Helene2013, Wow, glad that hubby is ok. Like you I shy away from group rides and am picky about whom I ride with and near. Let's get Mr zig zag a fender with a sticker "warning. I brake for hallucinations" :eek:
I've decided to get back to the dojo. There are several Aikido dojos near us. I picked one to examine more closely, observed a few classes, talked to some senior students and finally with sensei, the head instructor. Introduced myself as an old, slightly outa practice, outa shape nidan (2nd degree black belt) and all said "cmon down and start training."
So I've now been to a few classes. Their style's a little different than what I've been doing since about 1980. But I should be able to adapt to it and its good to be back. Then the other day I get an email from someone at the dojo. Normally one or more of the students will take on administrative jobs, responding to correspondence, book keeping et al. In it she says as a new student I should be attending the basics class. Alrighty then, basics? Basics are always good to do but stick with beginners class for a month for a nidan? :confused:
So I'll go back and confirm with the head instructor. It was my understanding she wanted me to just fall in but if their tradition is different alrighty then.
I was glued to the window of the plane on my flight home on Friday. I realized it was because I really still hadn't been back since December, on an emotional level. We came back before heading to Boston, but I had an 11-day turnaround (DH just a couple of days more). I just left my suitcase open on the living room floor and swapped out the contents.
I keep saying what a hassle spring marathons are. That must be why five of the seven I've run have been in the spring. D'oh.
Well, it does seem like a better plan than coming from Florida, where you might have a 40 degree temperature difference to acclimate to! Now, you can relax and get on with everything else. At least you could just leave your open suitcase out, to pack for the Marathon.
Trek, I'd be really upset about the mixed messages you are getting from the dojo. I hope it works out.
It's been years since I've had a cold this bad. Five days in a row doing almost nothing, staying home except for a few errands. Last night I started taking a decongestant, mostly in an attempt to keep it from turning into a bad cough (I'm getting post-nasal_drip sore throats at night). Unfortunately it's only a somewhat effect decongestant, but on the other hand I don't want the sleeplessness and other side effects of pseudoephedrine. And I feel so tired and even have some muscle aches. No fever though, and no reason at this point to think I need to see a doctor.
Boo.
Ugh. Hope you feel better soon.
I still swear by black elderberry extract. I've tried EVERYTHING for colds - pharmaceutical, herbal and homeopathic - unlike most of it, elderberry just works, and I get no side effects. It works best if I can get on top of it as soon as I start feeling run-down, but it will definitely speed recovery. Quantum Health is my favorite, but it's getting harder to find as people realize what a bargain it is.
Take care of yourself.