Stress & Perfectionism - Typical Combination
Stress is a killer. If it were something you could see under a microscope, we'd be spending millions to eradicate it. Stress affects sleep. Constant fatigue makes us stressed. Vicious circle. Can't think, can't remember things, easily irritated. That isn't even touching the physical things. Oh - and it can MAKE YOU FAT! :eek:
I'm a perfectionist too. Except that, things are never really perfect - there could be "one more tweak" here or there...and then another...and then another. That, alone is a huge stressor.
Given all of this - how could your libido NOT be affected? We're supposed to relax & let go during sex. Relax & let go??? What is that???
I've done therapy around my stress & perfectionism. A good therapist is wonderful. Two books really helped me: Undoing Perpetual Stress by Richard O'Connor and The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Bourne.
My job is my stressor. I take a tiny bit of an antidepressant (another side effect of stress & perfectionism coupled with my broken brain) and when I need it, a really tiny speck of Ativan (.125mg, you can barely see it.) I went for years saying that I would not accept chemical help because it was for sissies, I needed to handle my own problems, how else will I learn, blah blah blah. I finally was convinced by a psychiatrist and a couple of good friends that I was spiraling down fast & needed help. The Ativan doesn't make me stupid, sleepy or anything like that. I removes the constant hum in my brain that tells me I'll never be good enough, I can't handle this, etc. It allows me to step back from my problems, breathe, and handle things one-by-one.
Handle your stress & I bet your libido comes back.
Regarding having sex 2-3X week, that is a myth. It is one of those statistics that do not hold up in real life. Most married people have sex ~3-4X month. Don't beat yourself up.
Regarding men not talking - I agree, they should but they don't. Especially when you're talking about Mr. Winky (why do they always name their organ?). I have an incredible, loving and close relationship - but when I bring up this subject, all rationality flies out the window. I don't think my relationship is tainted because of it. I just accept it, talk about it in a loving manner, e.g., "I love you - this has nothing to do with you - it is my problem" and let it go. In my case, it is DH with the problem, brought on as a result of chemo. I'm so grateful to have him with me that sex is a cherry on the sundae, nice to have but not essential.
Geez, this got long -- does any of it make any sense at all???
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dogmama
I'm so grateful to have him with me that sex is a cherry on the sundae, nice to have but not essential.
Dogmama -- this is SO perfectly stated!
Cheri -- something I noticed in your most recent post in this thread -- your big question is HOW to talk with him, yes? IMO, since he gets very defensive when you bring things up, or react, it sounds like you may need to take special care in how you word things. Perhaps I'm especially blessed in that mine drives me crazy with making me rethink and restate things when we get to talking about the important stuff. He seems to really want to be sure he knows what I mean when I'm saying something -- and I think he wants to be sure I have thought out what I'm saying too, and know just what I'm trying to get across! (never mind that you can look at the sky and say it's blue, get out the spectrometer and measure the blueness before you declare that it's blue, cuz without positive evidence, it could be yellow! is the way his mind works) Yes, when I'm in a mood, this can be very frustrating, but it does wind up helping things work out.
Sometimes, what we're pretty sure comes out of our mouths isn't what our listener hears -- knowing Earl, he might ask me to clarify even this statement! Like I say, I have this feeling I live with an unusual sort of man!
We started this thread with you asking about your xes life, or lack of it. I sense that the elephant in your living room isn't xes so much as your impending move. Our impression is that BF is excited about it: it sounds like he knows the area, has friends there, maybe a job lined up already, etc. On the other hand, you maybe haven't been there before, don't know the people he knows, nor do you know anyone else in the area. Plus, you don't have a job lined up yet...
I get the sense that you really want to make this move with him, but you're scared out of your wits! I don't know how long you've been where you are - geographic location - but if you're looking at leaving family, friends, etc. that you've been close to for your entire life, along with the "extracurriculars" that you've put into your life (gym, bike routes, girl scout cookie mom) and going somewhere you've never been, well, yeah, that's taking your kids, dogs and cats, loading them into the minivan on a 60-below zero Thursday morning and moving from Minnesota to Idaho!
This is huge trauma, Cheri! It was a big step for Earl and I, who had a 17 year commitment under our belts, and I think it may be an even bigger one for the two of you -- who, in many ways, are still getting to know each other.
Let's not worry about sex for now. If he's not out shopping, then he's okay, and probably understands more than you realize. It sounds like he's not volunteering any information, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's just as worried about this move as you are -- will he do well in this new job? (or if he doesn't have that lined up yet....) Heck, he's uprooting you, and maybe he's worried about how you'll transplant too!
Let's talk with BF about this move. And yes, this needs to be done rather carefully too. I'm blessed, but yours sounds like he's not real good with the "hot button" communication yet. When we talk, it's important that he NOT hear, "I'm afraid to move to Colorado with YOU" or "moving to Colorado with YOU scares me."
I think he needs to hear that you're looking forward to going with him first and foremost, but that you'll miss your old life. AND WHY -- it's been so nice to live close to mom, I'm going to miss seeing her a couple of times a week, that sort of thing. (I don't know that you live right by mom or not, but you know what I mean, yes?) It's important that he understand your concerns about staying with his friends when you visit soon -- I'm GUESSING that your feeling that "it would be a madhouse" was more a feeling of not wanting to impose on people you don't know? If that's the case, maybe letting him know how eager you are to meet and get to know his friends and their families, but that you feel uncomfortable imposing on them before you know them a little better is the way to approach this particular situation.
I know this conversation has happened already -- and it sounds like you feel uncomfortable with the way it turned out. He probably does too. Maybe you can gently revisit it, something like "honey, I feel badly about a conversation we had lately, and I'd like to talk about it. Remember when we talked about the trip to Colorado to find a place and I said -- PLEASE LET ME FINISH, I'M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE (if he gets bothered and seems to not want to listen) -- that I thought it would be a madhouse? I think what I meant to say came out wrong and I know it upset you, and I want to explain what I meant..."
First thing to remember: don't start something like this while he's in the middle of his favorite TV show (or other special activity), or when he's gone to bed and is really tired, ready to sleep (Earl HATES that!) or he's in a foul mood after a long nasty day at work, or whatever. Make sure it's an okay time to talk with him!
Something I try to say OFTEN in any sensitive conversation I'm having with someone who really matters to me is "I could be saying this all wrong" and "I'm not sure how to word this" and that sort of thing -- I know I sometimes word things hurtfully when I don't mean to. Reminding the other person that I'm not trying to be nasty and requesting that if they're not sure what I meant, please ask. I use a lot of "does this make sense?" and "do you understand what I mean?" too, it seems. (it can be really hard in writing -- I write, erase, write, erase, write, go do something else, read, erase, write.....)
Someone mentioned that guys seem to like to fix things -- they're not good at just talking about them and getting things off your and their chests. If you can keep your head together enough to communicate that you'd like his help in easing the fears you have about YOUR move -- remember to emphasize that you're excited to go with him (yes?) but nervous about the new environment and all you're leaving behind (right?) and would LOVE his help in getting over this. Please show me things we have to look forward to when we live in Colorado -- Do you think there will be time for you and your friends show me good places to ride my bike? How about time to find your new favorite sports bar, dear? (substitute his favorite activity here, we need to be interested in what he's going to be doing in Colorado too!) Ask him -- Can he help you update your resume? That counts as fixing to a guy, and can be used as a gentle lead in to discussion about how nervous you may be about looking for a new job when you get to Colorado. Something my husband once said, when we were still fairly new, was that fixing what was bothering me can help him with what's bothering him too -- so you could wind up helping each other!
Heck, I've run out of steam -- please, ask me if I've been confusing!
Karen in Boise
