Need support, really struggling

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Originally Posted by Crankin

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

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is there a particular type of yoga that is recommended? I've tried this and that over the years but never got into it mostly because they're so expensive. Is there any study or something documenting it's better to do it in a class with other people, or can you do it at home? I do have a couple of yoga dvds.

See if you can maybe find a studio that has one or two classes a week that are donation-based. It's not uncommon. I would recommend either Anusara or Iyengar because of their focus on alignment. Any practice that overlooks the foundation is inviting injury, and I include everything in that, not just yoga - ordinary American-style strength training, CrossFit, Pilates, etc. Anusara might serve your particular needs best because of their emphasis on opening the heart.

As far as the energetic aspects, I'm a big believer (and have tons of experience) in collective energy, so from that point of view I prefer a class. But if you get a really good teacher to show you the basics four or five times so you really have a sense of what to do, then there's nothing wrong with practicing at home, since you can keep your teacher's alignment cues in your head regardless of what the DVD is telling you to do - and then it's whatever works best for you on an emotional and energetic level. For some people it's easier to tune out distractions when they're alone.

I would recommend a class first, to learn the basics and have someone monitor you as Oakleaf says. I like simple hatha yoga (Kripalu style), but I am not an expert in the different traditions.
Of course, I did it the opposite way, but at that time, I was doing yoga mostly as a flexibility complement for cycling. When I went to a class, I knew the basic poses from the DVD I had, and the instructors at my former gym were really good. However, when you are doing yoga more as a calming strategy, I think having supervision is even more important. You might not want to be alone if it brings up a lot of feelings. Even if it's not specifically a yoga therapy class, it's good to have the support of the instructor if things get overwhelming. They are used to this.

Badger, a lot of studios offer a reduced fee community class. I go to one myself that costs $5. You might check around. At least in my area, most studios don't focus on any particular type of yoga. Most classes are billed simply as hatha or vinyasa. My main studio offers a few Anusara classes each week, but everything else is pretty eclectic in terms of style. I would love to try some Kripalu classes, because I think it incorporates what I'd like to get out of my practice. But it ultimately comes down to the teacher. Some are better than others at teaching and leading a class, and some give off vibes I find more appealing than others. I tend to think you might gain something emotionally from practicing in a class setting, too.

Pedaling is my Prozac. Ironically the shrink I've seen in the past is a cyclists as well. She said that many times while she is riding she works out her own problems, or comes up with answers for her clients. That was kinda nice to hear.

The biggest and first thing she taught me was that I could not control/change another person. I was only in charge of myself. That is so simple, yet so huge, once you really get that.

Can't add much more than what's already been said, other than know your struggles are felt, and hope you continue to make progress (((hugs))).

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Originally Posted by Miranda

The biggest and first thing she taught me was that I could not control/change another person. I was only in charge of myself. That is so simple, yet so huge, once you really get that.

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So true, and so important to remember!

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Originally Posted by indysteel

If you're willing to share, how consistently have you been in conventional therapy? I'm a big believer in CBT and I've seen a therapist myself for over ten years. During on of my first visits with my therapist, she told me that in her experience, it takes 3-5 years of regular CBT to consistently feel better. Now that seemed like a long time at the outset, but in the end, the time (and financial) investment has been well worth it. Her prediction was right; I started to see significant gains at about the 3 year mark and felt mostly "healed" (if that's possible) by year five. I've mostly stuck with it since then because I actually enjoy my appointments with her, and I've had some big life changes over the past few years. I think I could stop though with no ill effect. I'd add that one of the things that coincided with feeling tons better was the start of my yoga practice. I have no concrete idea of why it helped so much, but it did. It just makes me feel more at peace with myself. I know Crankin recommends it to some of her patients; perhaps she can better explain why.

I bring that up to encourage you to stick with CBT over the long haul if you can afford it. It takes time to reinforce new thoughts patterns ans ways of dealing our stressors. I wish you the best in this journey. There is must to be gained from simply taking these first big steps toward emotional wellness.

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I must admit that I have not been consistent. My first foray into therapy was after I hit rock bottom with my out-of-control panic and anxiety. I went to see a psychologist and he used hypnotherapy (didn't feel much like anything), and EMDR. He may have done some CBT, but to be honest I don't remember a whole heck of a lot because that was 17 years ago. I had 10 sessions (which I paid out of my pocket and he was expen$ive) and he released me. Initially it didn't feel like therapy did anything, and to be honest I don't know how much it has, but I did feel better after a few years. Around that time I took an anxiety clinic where we did full-on CBT but again, I probably didn't retain a whole lot other than my becoming an abdominal breather. I've gone for counseling every now and again after that, but more sporadic as I only get $500 through my insurance for counseling and that amount really doesn't go far.

I guess when things are "okay", I get complacent and not be mindful of the things I've learned and usually when it becomes a crisis that's when I look for help. This will be my first go with meds, and I'm still hesitant but I owe it to myself to see if I am actually capable of being happy. My guess is I'm on such a super low-dose that it won't make any difference until I up it to what I was prescribed, but a friend who is on it told me some unfavourable experiences like not being able to cry, or feeling like there is a ceiling to your emotions. Anyways, we'll see.

As for my bf, he's come back to town yesterday, and while he's still very withdrawn, he's done a couple of things to give me some hope. I still struggle with catastrophic thinking, even when I tell myself I don't know, and to not predict the future that I can't possibly tell. That is what I really need to work on, my thought process, because I always jump to the worst conclusion. The root of all this is I inherently think I'm unlovable and unwanted. I REALLY need to work on that because I know it's not true (funny how the head knows but the heart doesn't believe it).

The root of all this is I inherently think I'm unlovable and unwanted.

I feel this way about myself too. I recently heard a quote in a movie "We accept the love we think we deserve." And I just broke down in tears, because I thought, that is why I ahve no love in my life...because I don't think I deserve it...

WOrking on changing that thinking....but man it's hard.

I felt unloved and unloveable for most of my life. As trite as it sounds, it took learning and choosing to love myself and to trust that that was enough to finally feel loved. I found my husband not long after that, but as much as I love him and he loves me, my stronger and more resilient sense of self love is what changed my life the most.

Of course getting to that point took a lot of work. I had a lot of thought patterns to change and I had to practice some detachment from my feelings to get enough mental and emotional space to do that. That's why I think a lengthy course of CBT is important.