I'm lol'ing over that one, Indy. Seriously, just back out now, and you won't get hurt.
Karen
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I'm lol'ing over that one, Indy. Seriously, just back out now, and you won't get hurt.
Karen
I third that.
I fourth it! :eek:
I'll bring the FIFTH!
Aw, I wanted to say that. :D
Math is not my strong suit.
I should have seconded :o
Oh well, I think we expressed the sentiment correctly.
You ladies have no idea just how unhappy I am over this wedding. The real issue is that I don't have much good to say about her fiance. My friend used to be this smart, active, interesting woman. She started "working on herself" in therapy long before me and I used to really look up to her. Then she met Bill about two years ago, and he has sucked the life blood out of her. He's 8 years her junior, sells liquor for a living (he was a waiter when she met him), is in debt, smokes pot and plays video games in his free time and is a guitarist/singer in a hard rock band. His bandmates are the worst. None of them have jobs, although one of them does deal pot. Nice, huh?Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuckervill
It's not that I have a problem with musicians or jobs that don't require a Ph.D, but his lives in a bit of a fantasy land about the band's prospects and his lifestyle is largely subsidized by my friend. She's repeatedly said that he's immature, even for his age. I don't think he's mean and I will give him credit for being patient with her (she can be a bit much). He's reportedly very sweet and romantic, but I'm of the unromantic opinion that there's a lot more that goes into a successful marriage than cuddling and sweet nothings.
She, in turn, has turned into someone I really can't relate to anymore. She has no interests of her own, is no longer active, smokes pot (in truth, she did before she met Bill), has gained a fair amount of weight and spends most of her time trying to squeeze herself into Bill's life between his "gigs." She had to do some serious mental gymnastics to make him into "The One." One particular comment that struck me as incredibly sad: "I would never ask him to put me before the band, but I'd expect him to put our baby before the band." Why wouldn't you expect your husband to put you before what is essentially a hobby? And what a naive understanding of what it means to be a family.
Obviously, I have serious doubts as to whether he's really ready to grow up and whether she's willing to accept him as he is. Since she'd really like to have a baby ASAP, they will have little time to adjust to married life before starting a family. I have essentially kept mum about my concerns. For one, this train left the station so long ago. Before any of us realized it, she had her future with Bill pretty well scripted out. She was just waiting (I'm not kidding here) for him to save enough money to buy her an engagement ring (which he did instead of paying off his debt). For another, she and I both see the same therapist and I have left it up to them to navigate through this. I'm pretty confident that she wouldn't have listened anyway. I've asked pointed questions and nudged her at times to consider this or that, but she was determined.
It's beyond depressing to me. I understand as well as anybody how hard it is to be single, especially after a certain age, but I'd take my life as it currently stands any day over what she may be in for. So, you can see why wearing an ugly dress and standing up for her is going to be hard. It's actually putting me in what feels like a moral dilemma.
On a happier note, my best friend is getting married in April. It's all very low-key and tasteful, and I really like her fiance. It will be a lovely day, and I'm very happy for her. She, bless her heart, has listened to me complain about Bridezilla. Thank goodness she's not one herself.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Indy, i have a sister with a reallly really bad man picker. It did not matter when the whole family told her that mr wonderful #5 was a loser, she DID NOT WOULD NOT COULD NOT listen. She had to wallow in it with him and see for herself. Your friend is going to have to do that too.
In her case, it looks like this marriage will give her an easy way out of having to work too hard at bettering herself; she can focus on him instead. You don't HAVE to be at that wedding. Walk away.. like the other gals all said.
Mimi, I wish I knew how to do that. I've known this woman since 1988. We've been through a lot together, and I love her like a sister. I'd pay a heavy price for making a big statement. I hate to see her making what feels like a bad decision, but I feel like the best thing for me to do is pray that it turns out okay and to be there for her as best I can (after taking care of myself that is) if it doesn't. Who knows? Maybe it'll be a happy union. Or maybe Bill is a mistake she needs to make. I may sound harsh and judgmental in my previous posts on this subject (I needed to vent), but at the end of the day, I'm willing to admit that I really don't have the answers for how anybody other than myself should live their life.Quote:
Originally Posted by mimitabby
Dear Close Friends,
I want to take a moment to heartily thank each and everyone of you for not getting married! I consider myself blessed to have avoided attending a wedding for the last 25 or so years.
Thanks again!!
Queen :D
It sounds to me as though you and your longtime friend have drifted down different paths in life. Sometimes we have friends who fit perfectly into a certain time and place in our lives, but the same friend just doesn't drum to the same beat as we do anymore. When this happens it's good to let the friendship drift off, at least until it might gel again sometime in the future.
You could invest a whole lot more energy and angst in trying to keep things tight between you and your friend, but it sounds to me like she's determined to maintain her current projectory anyway. Do you really want to keep trying to get her straightened out? Is it even your job to do so? It would do her no real favor to put on a fake upbeat exterior and attend her wedding with inner negative feelings.
It might be hard to do, but not doing it will be harder in the long run....if I were you I would thank her and say I can't attend for personal reasons. If she presses you for more info, just say that though you wish her well, you feel you have both sort of gone down different paths. Let the chips fall where they may, at least you will be true to yourself.
You know, Indy, maybe you should just be a "guest" at the wedding. Make up something. Bridezilla and rich bridesmaid would be ENOUGH to have me making excuses. You don't have to make it about your moral dilemma. Make it about how you are too stressed out by your own life to be anything more than a guest.
Sometimes sisters don't get along, you know?
Karen
Given that I haven't voluntarily spoken to my real sister in over four years, that's very true. All of you have given me food for thought. I appreciate your comments and advice.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuckervill
Dear self,
I wish you weren't such a baby. I know you got smacked in the nose by your partner with the tennis ball. I know it bled from both sides and your neck is sore. But it really, truly, didn't hurt that bad after a while. You let your whole game slide, and you guys lost all 3 sets. Oh please. And then you felt like crying nearly a set later because it was upsetting. :mad: You're almost 50! I would think you would have toughened up a little bit by now!
Dear ex-online interest,
Why are you writing me again? Telling me all of the fun, mid-life crisis things you've been up to? Why do I still think about you too much?
Dear all ex's;
Why do you either a) grow your hair long or b) get a motorcycle after we break it off? I'm getting a complex...
~me
Dear A-hole brother of mine,
Last time you started screaming and cursing me and hanging up the phone on me a few years ago, our mother was alive and well, and when she got sick and slowly deteriorated, you and I still needed to occasionally communicate in order to discuss necessary things concerning her and family matters. We somehow maintained a strained phony friendly facade with each other. It wasn't easy, believe me.
However, now that she is resting in peace I no longer have any need to put up with your control-freak toxic anger and a-hole-isms. Thus, when despite my quiet plea to continue to talk things out on the phone this evening so that we could each express our thoughts in turn and somehow reach an understanding and a compromise regarding the latest fiasco, you flew into another inappropriate rage and cursed and yelled and hung up on me again.
I am blessed to have my sweet DH to comfort me after your insane outburst.
Well.... I simply don't NEED someone like you in my life anymore, regardless of being related to you. Go yell at yourself from now on. It's no coincidence that your older son has refused to see you or speak to you for the past 2 years. He had enough of your b*llsh*t too.
I'll stick with my other brother- who is a kind and loving human being (as are most of the other people in my life), thank you very much. And for you.... here's a free one way ticket to Palukaville. Bon voyage.
I'm glad you sent him to Palukaville Lisa. It was long coming.
Yeah. What Wahine said.
Lisa- {{{{HUG}}}}Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa S.H.
I have no surviving brother to feel that way about - thankfully - but my soon-to-be-DH does, and we would love to send him to Palukaville as well.
Take care, hang in there, be strong and DON'T LET HIM GET TO YOU! :mad:
Lisa---Sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself. Having toxic siblings myself, I know it isn't easy but it's for the best to know when to let go.
Dear Boss---I should have trusted my excellent "people radar" skills and not agreed to work for you. Yesterday, someone who's had professional contact/association with you for years told me that you are a backstabber, verifying my increasingly sinking feeling that it really is all about you. Please don't lie if my home office management calls you to confirm that the job I'm in is NOT the job you promised.
I don't like working for you--you spread chaos due to your ramped up Type A personality, lack of organization, and overuse of caffeine. I could deal with it IF I had real work. Please put your overblown ego aside and recognize the TRUTH -- there is no work available commensurate w/my grade & skill levels. It's not really even your fault because it's due to the budget cuts.
Dear Home Office Boss---Let me come home! Please look over the matrix I sent you, clearly showing that what was promised is not the reality. I'll take an assignment no one else wants just to be fully utilized and contributing to mission again.
Dear Self---If you are stuck completing this rotation, focus on the fact that you have only until 30 September and in July, you can start applying for other jobs. Endeavor to make lemonade out of lemons and to find humor in the situation.
Thank you TE sisters. :o
Lisa, that sounds just like something I could have written about my eldest brother, but my mom is still alive. Remember your anger and resentment just damages you, not him. You could do like I did. I wrote all my diatribes and rants and accusations and vents out on a blog and posted it for all the world to see, using his real name. I never publicized it, and search terms don't find it, so I doubt it has ever been read by anyone at all. Every once in a while, when I am guilted by my mom or somehow drawn back into his world, I go out and reread and post, and remind myself why I am severing all possible ties.
I feel for you, because it's hard to "walk the fine line between self-respect and self-abuse" just for your parent's sake.
Be true.
Karen
Hang in there, Lisa - you've had lots to deal with and this very painful decision wasn't made lightly, I'm sure. Anyone who chooses to be an a**hole in my life prompts the same decision from me. There should not be any need to have to walk on eggshells so as not to upset someone, especially a sibling, f'chrissakes. Hopefully, he'll grow up and get healthy and realize the huge loss in not having the gift of his sister in his life - whew!
(((Lisa)))
Mary
Lisa,
I agree with all the others...he's a head case and no one, especially family, needs to tolerate his abuse! I hope he gets help.
Lisa and Tuckervill - I've got the same thing with my oldest brother. The last time I saw him in person was at my niece's wedding reception a few years ago where upon he picked a fight with everyone and ended up breaking glassware and such. We had to make him leave. He made my niece cry hurtful tears at her own wedding reception, ladies. In the end, he called people that were there and told them tons of lies to make it seem as though it was all my fault. I didn't even talk to him there. For years, he's been absolutely nasty and hateful toward me. I hear about the latest antics from my Mom and I stop her right away. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to know anything about him. He's flat out told me I am not part of his family or part of his world at all. That's okay with me. It's easier that way and I am happier not having him in my life. Sometimes you just have to do that.
Thanks again every one of you. I was able to vent to my wonderful DH and also discussed it with a good girlfriend this morning on our walk. That felt good. I've decided that as a therapeutic medicine I am going to make an actual One-way ticket to Palukaville. I am a graphic illustrator so this will be a fun little project and a way to work through my feelings. I would love to actually mail it to him in an envelope with no note, ....but that would be pretty immature, so I'll just keep it as a symbolic statement. :oQuote:
Originally Posted by Tuckervill
I've always thought that creating something physical from a painful experience is a good thing, whether it's a drawing, poem, planting a flower or tree, a blog, voodoo doll:eek:, or whatever.
Mary- you are right about the stepping on eggshells business. That's the exact description my mother used to give me about her relationship with this brother of mine. He has some major issues and though he took some anger management sessions once years ago, he never got the real one-on-one type of longterm therapy he needs so badly. He won't admit he has a problem, blames everyone else for everything, and I've finally had enough of it.
It's a sad thing to give up on the idea of having him as a true brother, but it's been going on long enough and I want to move forward in a positive way now, and leave him and his creepy anger issues behind me. The bad vibes will always be there when I think of him, but I will try to keep myself positive about my part in it all. I am working on not being angry and resentful, as I do know that all that does is make me feel bad, and I shouldn't feel bad because I haven't done anything bad! (what a concept, huh?)
It's good to know I'm not alone in dealing with such things.
Lisa I am happy for you. I have a sister who is so very rude, condesending, overpowering, etc. Thankfully I live about 1700 miles away from her. When I called to wish her a happy birhtday all she did was complain about how busy she is and how frustrated she is with her children and that she hs LOTS of paperwork. First of all she does not work, second of all she should be happy she has children as I can not have any. Also she always says to me"must be nice to go biking and hiking, I have to ...." insert what ever she thinks she needs to do. I guess a few weeks ago there was a big wind storm near her and my parents house so she had to help do a little clean up, it actually was probably her husband that did the work and her bossing him around. She always tries to make me feel guilty. When I was back visiting them she introduced me to one of her friends and her friend said " I didn't know you had a sister". Same thing happed when I visited my "snow bird" parents in Florida. The introduced me to some of their friends and they said " we thought you only had 1 daughter and a son" My moms response to that was "this is our best kept secret" Best kept secret my Butt...... So Lisa, I hope I can find the strenght that you have..
Velobambina... oh, I am *hoping* you can extricate yourself from the toxic work situation... use that good radar to guide what you say and do.
Dear person,
C'mon. I think it's time for the next step. I know there's years between us but that's no excuse. The Christmas present is nifty and ya gave it to me in front of everybody ... you *know* how I feel about you... think it's time to heal and move forward? C'mon, you don't even have to explain at least that one chunk of baggage 'cause I was there for it. C'mon, you can do it...
We have a lovely train station here
http://images.google.no/imgres?imgur...3D10%26hl%3Dno
as well, but please don't give that particular brother a ticket to visit us. Palukaville is what he deserves. H€ll is too good for him, especially now in ski season.
Lisa S. H., All this just makes me appreciate my siblings even more. I'm lucky to have picked them :rolleyes: and not just saying that because Duck on Wheels is my sister.
Dear parents of lazy adult children,
Once again on this cold, blustery day in January you are struggling to pull the trash cans down to the curb while your adult son is inside enjoying t.v.
Your sons have lived at home since after high school. They have good jobs. They continue to live at home but do not contribute other than take up your driveway with a $40,000 quad cab 4 WD pickup.
They live with the comforts and conveniences you provide yet won't do squat to help. They remain in your home up to the day they marry. When it doesn't work out, they're back with yet another $40,000 quad cab 4 WD pickup. If they get better paying jobs, they get better trucks and stereos.
Do yourself a favor and rent a U Haul and load their stuff. Then hand them a map of their new accommodations and let them handle the U Haul rental fee, rent, utilities, laundry, entertainment, and other essentials. Can't handle them getting behind on their bills? Tough! Don't enable them any more. Do us all a favor and let them enter the higher tax bracket by finding a better job. If they can't find one in this town, let them move to another town that has better jobs. Let them figure it out because, of all things, I'm sick of paying disability for people who are too lazy to hold down a regular job but want my tax dollars to support their desire to hunt and fish.
Sincerely,
Fed Up With Moochin' Men
Dear bike shop owner,
I know you have the coolest bike shop in town, where all the "real" roadies go to gawp at the latest stuff. I know winter commuters coming in to look at waterproof jackets are probably not your favourite customer. But I do not take kindly to you:
- interrupting me as I try to tell you what kind of jacket I'm interested in and what I intend to use it for, to try and sell me a skintight, extremely expensive white translucent racing jacket
- losing all interest when you finally realize I don't want it, and going to chat with my bike buddy instead who is a real roadie and thus ineffably more worthy
Not to mention how, when I try on another jacket:
- when I tell you it's too tight over the shoulders, you loudly and arrogantly DON'T BELIEVE ME, and have to come around and check for yourself?? Hellooo - I'm the one INSIDE it, I should know!
- when I'm not happy about the fit because it's too baggy and bunches up in front, you tell me "nah, it's not too baggy. You're not losing any races because of that!".
- getting into an involved discussion with bike buddy (yes, I'm POed at you too) as to how I really should buy this jacket, and settling a price with him (?!?) when I've made it quite obvious I don't want either one.
If it wasn't for your very kind, helpful and friendly co-owner, who's usually in the shop instead, I swear I'd never buy so much as a spare tube from you again.
Dear self,
Get off the internet and go back to bed for an hour. You'll appreciate it later in the day. I promise.
Love,
me
Dear compounding pharmacy,
I had a Rx for something you compound frequently and provide gallons of it for the university athletes. So why were you too lazy to make mine in the remaining 15 minutes of work? You saw me and ducked behind the counter when I walked in and had one of your techs tell me to come back tomorrow. :mad: I mentioned I was from out of town and you didn't get it. It was my first and last visit to your sorry drug store.
Thanks to your 'tude, I'll not recommend anyone go to your drug store.
Oh, and I noticed you were moving out of the really nice location. Maybe it's because you lost too many customers to keep those expensive doors open?
Stick a suppository up yours and have a nice day!
Lisa, as I indicated in a prior post from last week, I don't have a relationship with my toxic sister. It'll be five years in August since I chose to walk away. It was both the hardest and best decision of my life. She was sucking the life blood out of me. After years of trying to make it work, I finally admitted that it couldn't, at least not under terms that I could live with. I sought therapy when I made that decision--the other best decision of my life. I miss the idea of a loving, functioning sister but I don't miss her. Being freed from that relationship has allowed me to move forward in my own life.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa S.H.
I hope you also find peace in your decision.
Indysteel,Quote:
Originally Posted by indysteel
Thank you for the encouraging words. I have found peace with it. I have thought about doing this a few times already over the years, but never acted on it. And eventually the long cycle would repeat itself.
This time, I waited 3 days after his angry phone outburst- talked things over with my wise and loving DH and waited 3 days to think carefully, cry, and think again before I responded to bully brother. Then I composed a calm email simply and clearly explaining why he would no longer be in my life, and that I wished not to be contacted by him at all anymore. The message was strong and clear. It was definitely time. I sent it off yesterday morning.
Immediately after hitting the "send" button, I felt strangely calm and peaceful. It felt right. I fully expect he will blame me (since he is never to blame) and thus I really don't expect to hear from him at all anymore. He knows that any attempted contact from him will be refused in any case.
I feel good that I made this decision and acted on it. It's really the healthiest thing both for me AND for him. Perhaps it will in a small way encourage him to finally seek help sooner rather than later.
I think you and I both realize that yes we do so fervently cling to the idea of having a loving sibling...it is such an irresistible idea...but these people simply would never be able to be that, no matter what we do or don't do to try to make that happen. Though a certain amount of change is possible when someone wants to change, we must give up the unrealistic and perhaps selfish fantasy of them becoming what we want them to be. If they are causing us nothing but unhappiness year after year, it eventually becomes time to put the relationship out of its misery.
...And who is to stop either you or I from someday symbolically "adopting" a new brother or sister from amongst our most cherished friends? I've never had a sister and the idea of this is very appealing in a lovely childlike sort of way.
I will keep my antennae out as I continue my journey through life. :)
Dear Guardian Angel--Thank you for whispering in my boss's ear and in her heart, convincing her to support my decision to return to my home office. Please let upper mgt in my home office be as kind and supportive, giving me an interesting, challenging assignment & not being vindictive about my recent career decisions.
Thank you, too, for a wonderful, caring mentor who listens without judging and is willing to help me reach my goals/keep my self-esteem intact.
Dear Earth--Please make it turn spring-like soon. I'm still hoping that an early Lent means an early spring this year. No more accumulating snow or ice, please.
My best friend Angela--the one that's having the lowkey wedding incidentally--is a sister to me. In fact, we jokingly call one another Sister Child. She may not be blood but she's part of my heart.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa S.H.
Velo- I'm glad you stood up for yourself, made things happen, and steered your work situation in a healthier direction. That is sometimes so hard to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by Velobambina
I hope it really works out well for you. And it sounds like you have a couple of positive and supportive people on your team, that certainly helps.
Indy and Lisa, you both are very courageous and I am sending you a big cyber hug. http://bestsmileys.com/comfort/2.gif