Depression and cycling

When I moved to Eugene, I went into a fairly severe depression because although I'd just gotten married, I was on depo provera which killed my libido (totally) and every time my husband would even touch me, I'd snap at him... beside that I had just left all my friends and family 2000 miles behind me. He was employed and I stayed at home trying to do a bit of art work etc, but it wasn't working for me... I would cry for hours and not be able to explain it to him... though he was a sweetie and tried his hardest to understand, giving me backrubs until I fell asleep, etc. In Jan. he got me a job with his company, and it helped, but I still felt the depression. Then we went to Good Will, and I got my first bike in my new home... a big, honkin' Huffy mtn. bike that must weigh 40 pounds... but it was my liberation. Now I ride in the mornings and to work, flying through the paved trails, working my endurance etc up to where I can really tackle other trails... Besides that, biking helps my husband get out, and the excercise is really helping him manage his diabetes... now if only I could get him to test his blood glucose as often as he should ;)

That's exactly how I felt Biking Kitsune, I moved 3 years ago to Canada from Ireland. Had just got married and 3 months later I was in a strange country that the only person I knew was my husband and his mother. I still miss my family and friends and some days I just hate that we had to move as I had a really good job and a great social life...but gradually things are getting better. I'm still trying to find a job that I like or at least doesn't make me cry everytime I think about going in. I've got a lovely little guinea pig who is such a character and hops up and down on my feet if he senses I'm down. I've also recently started biking although I unfortuanlty injured my knee 2 weeks ago so haven't been out on the bike since but hope to by the end of this week.

Anyway it's great to hear that I'm not the only one.

Kerri.

magrat22 - LOVE your guinea pig!! What a sweetie! I've got 4 of my own and I find it very soothing stroking and talking to them when I'm down.

Pets are great - they're totally unjudgemental, won't answer back, and can take hours of stroking and grooming. All they ask for in return in their favourite snack.

Pets for all - that's what I say and if you don't have one of your own see if you can 'borrow' a friends every so often. It's good for you...:)

PS www.Caviesgalore.com has a great forum for all you guinea pig fans out there.:D

Thanks MightyMitre they really are great pets. He's so funny as he really doesn't like being picked up but will fall asleep on my feet for hours (makes it difficult when I need to pee :o) without a problem.

Yeah, my husband got me a little tortie kitten a little bit ago, and she is SO much fun. =) If I'm just sitting around, she "knows" I should be up and doing things, that's just the way it is, so she nips my feet ro jumps on me, then runs to the doorway, stops to see if I'm chasing yet, and repeats if I'm not... Then she'll make a big show of fluffing out her tail and dancing around on her tiptoes to seem like some big furry monster. At that point in the 'game' I either have to tip her over and 'fight' with her, tickling her tummy while she nips and kicks (all with her little claws tucked) or she'll take it I'm 'hiding' so she has to chase *me* around the house. I never get to sit still anymore! The nice thing is, when she's tired, she'll curl up with me and sleep for hours... perfect kitty blend of hyper and cuddly. :D

She's my avatar, btw:p

It took me a very long time to agree to meds... I knew I was depressed, but believed I could 'do it on my own'.

After a broken relationship, I sank lower and lower, doing the dance with ideas of suicide, never leaving the house except for work, stopped exercising, etc. Work was a kind of oasis, believe it or not.

Then that changed. A new mgr, a new colleague and over the next year, all went to hell in a handbasket. From Nov 2002 until May 2003 I got more and more depressed. Panic attacks, went down to 108 lbs (I'm 5'7"), slept maybe 2 hrs per week. My therapist cld my doctor... I went to see doctor. 1) Together, they pulled me out of work on disability. 2) I was put on Celexa and sleeping pills.

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder... it is doubtful that I will ever be able to return to work in my field or any other. I can't be around people (in person) anymore. This website, up to now, is my 'social' life.

The meds help... therapy helps. And now cyling is helping. My therapist gave me homework... try to go on a group ride. It took me 2 weeks but I went on one today. I'm going to try to go on one each weekend.

I'm thankful for the group here... I don't feel so cut off.

Thanks! Spazz

spazzdog wrote:
"...The meds help... therapy helps. And now cyling is helping. My therapist gave me homework... try to go on a group ride. It took me 2 weeks but I went on one today. I'm going to try to go on one each weekend.

I'm thankful for the group here... I don't feel so cut off."

welcome to the group spazz, you'll find this is a suportive group.

It's not something I talk about with anyone really, even very close friends but I've been there, done that, there was no depression t-shirt ;-)

I'm just not gonna go there about how bad it was. I feel that meds, even briefly may allow one to do the work, mentaly, emotionaly, workout wise, diet-nutrition, spiritualy etc that brought me back anywayz.

Good for you for going on a group ride.

~Trek

Trel420 wrote:

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It's not something I talk about with anyone really, even very close friends but I've been there, done that, there was no depression t-shirt

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That's what it's all missing... a derned T-shirt! I figure treat it with irreverense, bluff it with levity, laugh at it once you've cried the old tear ducs dry.

I've considered printing some up with slogans like:

-better living through chemistry
-O.K. - who ate all the good anti-depressants
-in recovery... from recovery

And, lest I forget, thanks for the support trek420.

spazzdog wrote:

"That's what it's all missing... a derned T-shirt! I figure treat it with irreverense, bluff it with levity, laugh at it once you've cried the old tear ducs dry."

No, I don't mean to make light, it wasn't funny in the midst of it, looking back there were no moments of "someday we'll look back on this and laugh". Even now I am thankfull that I (and we here?) emerged with sense of humor intact or emerged at all. Prob'bly some good cartoon material in there somewhere as well as your t-shirts.

"I've considered printing some up with slogans like:
-better living through chemistry
-O.K. - who ate all the good anti-depressants
-in recovery... from recovery"

-"give me the chocolate and no one gets hurt" has been done ;-)

"And, lest I forget, thanks for the support trek420."

de nada, anytime :rolleyes:

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I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder..

Thanks! Spazz [/B]

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it is treatable, just hang in there and do the work. Even when it hurts. I've btdt that with PTSD, spent a couple of years in a survivors' group, and slowly moved back to functioning.

Irulan

spazz --

sometimes it's amazing to me how many people have dealt with serious depression. A lot of your story sounds familiar to me, though to a lesser degree. I didn't lose quite as much weight (did get asked if I had an eating disorder by coworkers, though). I couldn't sleep until I'd played video games to exhaustion to get my brain to shut down; various feelings about the breakup left me miserable about myself.

I finally saw a therapist and a psychiatrist, but oddly enough, the thing that seemed to work was to make the mistake of getting back together with my ex. He had turned into a right bastard, and my anger at what he put me through the second time around has burned away any feeling of guilt or regret. I just hope, for his sake, that I never lay eyes on him again.

Life is weird. I'm glad that things are getting better for you. It's great that this board can be a safe place for you. I think it's a safe place for a lot of us, in different ways.

I hope I'm not being too intrusive by offering you a hug. *hug*

hope I'm not being too intrusive either, (((((((( group hug ))))))))

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Originally posted by spazzdog
From Nov 2002 until May 2003 I got more and more depressed. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder... it is doubtful that I will ever be able to return to work in my field or any other. I can't be around people (in person) anymore. This website, up to now, is my 'social' life.

I'm thankful for the group here... I don't feel so cut off.

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You have shown that you are a lot stronger than you think you are! When you're at a low point in your life, it is difficult to see how much you have accomplished, but from your description here, you're tougher than you let on. After the broken relationship, the only thing that kept you going was work. But when that crashed, you still didn't give in!

You say you can't be around people anymore, but you've accomplished a big step in going on a group ride. And you say that this website is your "social" life, but you've only been a member for a week! You survived a long time without TE! Survival isn't the same as thriving, but it's a lot better than defeat!

Sometimes you have to consider maintaining your position as a victory! A line from a Bruce Springsteen song: "Like soldiers in the winter's night with a vow to defend
No retreat, baby, no surrender!"

Dig down deep. Your bag of tricks is deeper than you realize!

As far as relationships go, none are easy. I accept that fact... there's no perfect people on this earth.......if you are perfect, please identify yourself so I can worship you in person!;)

I am speaking from a broken heart, and from an angry heart when I say this! I know later in life, I'll look back on these feelings and retract this statement:

When I put my happiness in someone else's hands.......I set myself up for pain. When I base my future on someone else's actions, reactions or involvement........I set myself up for pain. When it's all said and done........it's just me and my God at the end of the day! I have to learn to live like that and not let ANYONE else be so involved in my happiness that it shatters when they let me down. And everyone WILL let me down at some point in our relationship. It's inevitable.......I'll let others down. I just have to learn how to put it all in perspective!

Some of you know about the past year and how hard it has been for me......... well, I was just beginning to see the light between the trees. I was just beginning to let go of the cause of my pain. I hadn't cried in at least 2 weeks! Milestone! :rolleyes: I am right back where I started: I am part owner of a business with my father and my brother. (DON'T GO INTO BUSINESS WITH YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS......IT WILL RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP) My brother and I have the daily responsibility of running the business and my father has the responsibility of making our lives hell! We have 10 employees on the payroll and this week, I have to let everyone go and try to sell the business! My brother and I questioned some decisions that were made without consulting with us (it started out as a partnership, now it's a dictatorship) and my father took his money and support and left the business! We have to make payroll, he has spent all of the money hiring new people, giving people raises and moving people to other cities to start a new territory.........now we're out of money and my brother and I get to be the BAD GUYS!

See, I have learned from this experience that no one gets this much trust from me again that I would stake my future on them! I can't count on my father to do what's right, and I have to clean up the mess for it!

Talk about being in the depths of depression..............I can't see the light of day.........again! But this time, instead of being sad.... I am MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

Thanks for letting me spout off!
Kim in TN

Sometimes, anger can be a powerful tool. I'll take angry over sad any day. As the incomparable Ani says, "Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right."

And to fish out another quote from the millions of great lines she has,

we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and f**k and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke


Trust, love, these are risks -- just like riding a bike is a risk, whether you're risking collisions with other vehicles or with the mountainside. Each of us has to choose the level and type of risks we're willing to take.

After my ex betrayed me, I couldn't imagine putting my trust in someone again. But here I am, happily married, with the guy who got me into mountain biking =) No, he's not perfect, but he makes me happy. And sure, sometimes he drives me crazy. I realized after that nasty breakup -- I can love anyone; the trick is to find someone worthy of my love.

As my mom has told me many, many times, you can be far more lonely in the wrong relationship than you could ever be alone.

Erm, I just woke up -- excuse the babbling.

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Originally posted by bounceswoosh
[B]Sometimes, anger can be a powerful tool. I'll take angry over sad any day.

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I think that acknowledgeing and expressing the anger, processing it is the key to a lot of healing. Many times we don't even know we are angry: we were to busy just trying to survive, or we didn't learn emotions, or weren't allowed to have them etc. etc. Once you can find that anger and start to dig it out and root it out like a noxious weed, sometimes with the help of a good professional, life WILL get better.

Irulan

Putting my happiness in somebody else's hands rather than finding it within is similar to buying a bag of pre-cut lettuce or buying a head of organic lettuce. The pre-cut lettuce is a little phoney, who knows what chemicals are in there to make it fresh & you always get some rotten leaves at the bottom of the bag! Organic is fresh and wholesome. You have to work a little to make a salad, but you know you're feeding your body (soul/spirit) something that is truley good.

I've been treated for clinical depression & PTSD too. Thank God for anti-depressents. My brain chemistry is skewed for many reasons - most of them self induced when I was young & dumb. I liken antidepressents to insulin for a diabetic. You'd never tell a diabetic to "tough it out - get over it!."

bounceswoosh wrote: "....anger can be a powerful tool. I'll take angry over sad any day."

I think that especially for women sometimes depression is anger turned inward. That was true of the major emotional trauma some years back.

An 11 year relationship ended a year ago, and I've gotten pretty much in touch with my anger, sure, lots of other feelings as well and I'm doin't the work but .... sometimes living well is the best revenge ;-) And I'm choosing to live well. :rolleyes:

ano, albeit belated, voice here for better living through chemistry. I started lexapro last year and what a difference it makes. Then I learned to ride a few months later and what a difference that has made!!!! Even though my partner isn't thrilled with me disappearing for most of the day on weekends, she knows it makes me happy, so it's ok with her.

I've been off the board lately because of a sad familly situation. My 17 month old granddaughter died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was already having cyclic mood problems, so now I'm off to see a physician. I still find riding helpful, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I want to know if those of you with antidepressants have had side effects, such as unwanted weight gain.

I gained about five pounds w/paxil which I took for about a year and a half. I went off that for a couple of years, and have been though a few others w/no side effects other than a little dry mouth.

I'm convinced that the weight gain is from becoming a lot less anxious about things, lessening anxiety levels.

Most side effects only last a week or less as your body gets accusotmed.

~I

I had a strange reaction to Celexa when I went on it. I dropped about 8 lbs in the 1st two weeks. Doc said it was a rarely seen side effect (welcome to my world) and not a great one since I had already lost so much to depression. I was at 108 and I'm 5'7" and she didn't want me to lose anymore. So Doc halfed my dosage.

Anyway it settled down and I was able to get the 8-10 lbs back. Then raised the dosage again. The only thing I've noticed is I don't gain any weight. The struggle with me is maintaining what I have.

kpc, sorry to hear about your loss.

I had an old friend who I didn't see often, and one time I ran into him and he said, "You look great (ie. THIN), what's wrong?" I think that it's a 50/50 thing. Some people eat and gain weight when they're down, and others don't eat. For just the average 'blues', I eat. When it's a serious depression, I stop eating. I've gained about 15 lbs. since going through an awful divorce. I must be happy!

kpc, I'm really sorry to hear about your granddaughter. Sounds rough.

Re side effects from antidepressants: I'm on lexapro and the major side-effects have been sexual. However, for me, it works if you work it, and I've learned to adjust.

After a while on lexapro, I started taking a tricyclic (older style antidepressant), doxapine, as well (to help me sleep) (I was sleeping 2 hours a night for an extended period). That drug, or the combo of the two, seemed to result in a 15 lb weight gain but my weight has been stable since then. The tricyclic also had an excessive sedative effect during the day.

There are a bunch of good new antidepressants out there--a skilled clinician can help you find the right one for you.

Hang in there.

I was on Paxil for about two years (5-7 years ago). I did gain some wait, and had very little sex drive, but it really helped me. Getting up in the morning was no longer a chore.
Don't forget, you don't have to take any medications forever. You can try different ones, to see what works. The best part for me was that one day, after about two years, I was walking my dog and just started singing. I knew it was time to come off them. Whether it changed my brain chemistry, or I learned different behavior techniques, it didn't matter. I was better. I still get the blues now and then, but I take about 900 mg of St. John's Wort per day and that seems to keep it pretty much under control.

ya know we all get the the blues sometimes. Life is not about being on even keel all the time. But it's when you can't handle it or it starts to get in the way of healthy, normal functioning that the blues might need some help.

Irulan

yeah, someone @ work said that when you can't live your regular life, it's time to look at other options.
Thank you all for sharing you experiences and offering your support
Kathy

Hey, don't want to beat a dead horse.........but I need some advice!

I got off Effexor in about Feb. of this year. I am under waaaaay too much stress and it seems I am getting "under the weather" again! So, I am back on Effexor. My doctor put my back on 150 mg (he didn't start me off slowly like he did the first time). I am having some side affects that are keeping me from functioning normally. I am dizzy, nauseated, sleepy, and am extremely thirsty. Will the side affects subside like they did last time I was on this medication?

Anyone have any experience with this drug? When I weened off last time, it was extremely difficult for about 3 weeks. I didn't want to go back on the meds, just didn't think I could cope without it yet!

Kim

where's Drfrau when we need her. I havent' taken that particular one but I have been through the side effect deal recently with someone close to me several times as they try different things. First, everyone is different. Second, the side effects decrease as the drug's efffectiveness increases. But - if you have having serious side effects that in itself is hard to live with. My close friend had a serious nausea reaction to zoloft, had to take anti nausea medication for a few days, they stuck it ou and just when they were ready to throw everything down the toilet, it was like something shifted all of a sudden and they felt 100% better within hours.

I guess I'm trying to say, stick it out if you can, be sure you are talking to your doc too.

Irulan

kpc, MY deepest sympathies to you and your family on your loss.

I wanted to chime in with my story - about 5 years ago I was unable to function - period stopped, was falling asleep at work, really down, other funky things going on (was only 41 at the time). A friend who had been on Zoloft for about 9 months and found a drastic change in her ability to function encouraged me to see my m.d. So I went and said, I need drugs, menopasual or depression, just give me something. Zoloft was my answer and here I am doing just fine. (Better nutrition and daily calcium and other supplements helped my cycle). Btw, my wise friend, once on Zoloft, realized she'd been depressed most of her life. She's a completely new person!

I think depression was once seen as a failure of character or something, but it's really just confused or lacking (as in my friend's case) body chemistry. Thank God it can be fixed nowadays!

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Originally posted by IronHorse213
So I went and said, I need drugs, menopasual or depression, just give me something. Zoloft was my answer and here I am doing just fine.
!

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My personal opinion is that there needs to be a counseling/mental health component, not just a medication component. There are many underlying causes of depresion. If you treat only the symptoms and not the cause you areren't fixing anything, you are postponing it.

Most MD's are not equipped to work with the mental health component, but the better ones will prescibe with a referral out for counseling at least to make an assessment as to whether something is strictly biochemical or if there are roots in the psyche that need to be addressed.

In response it Irulan,

When I read the quote you chose from my note, it sounded very boostful to me, so I appologize if that's how it came across to anyone else, it wasn't meant to be so. I meant to communicate that I am doing well now. I do get "the blues" at certain points, but the reaction and ability to handle a pms funk, is much easier. My MD describes it as a drug that raises the floor of depression, so if you do get depressed, it doesn't get worse and worse, etc. and I find that to be true (thankfully!)


In many cases the cause of depression IS only a chemical problem - such as in my friend. Not enough of seratonin, I believe, in the brain. Taking anti-depressives solved that problem. She described it as living in a fog and not being able to think clearly, and make decisions. Zoloft gave her a clear mind allowed her to figure out things. Years of counseling didn't do anything but cost $.

BUT everyone is different and one's MD is useful in determining the best course of action for each individual.

not boastful at all. Glad you are doing well! There is a tendency among certain parts of the medical community to medicate with out looking further, and that is what troubles me.

one of my diagnoses is "dysmthmia" (sp?) which is a low grade on going biochemically induced depression, so I think I understand what you are writing about. For me, I had to get the PTSD done with in counseling before we could see the other things going on.

changing topic: I was having a chat with a professional acquaintance of mine. She started to gossip about another mutual acquaintace who "can you beleive she's on anti-depressants? Well, gossip is bad enough, but I really blew a gasket, hopefully somewhat politely at this woman... I in no uncertain terms let her know that so what, if she was a diabetic taking insulin, or a heart patient taking nitro would it be a topic for derisice gossip? I was pretty pissed off. The intent was gentle education but I don't know if I succeeded...

Irulan

Good for you!!!! Thank you for standing up for all of us who can't cope without meds right now!

When I made the decision to go back on Effexor, my husband said, "...I can't go thru another year like the last one. I don't think you need it." I was mortified! "YOU can't go thru another year...........WHAT ABOUT ME??????????????" Some people are just so insensitive about this problem. Well, I just don't think he needs to have sex for about a month.........I can't go thru THAT right now! :D

LOL trekchick, more power to you!

Hmmm...

Without going into too many details as that I used to work for a bike company and I am sure some of those folks frequent this board....

There was a time when my Doc put me on Xanax/Zoloft because I was miserable in the job I was working.

The truth was that I didn't need that stuff at all- my feelings were natural- the job sucked and was bringing the rest of my life down with it.

Well, I took myself of that stuff because it only made me feel detached anyway. To make a long story short, due to politics, I got sacked from that job.

It was also my great luck that I am an IT person and I got sacked in this lovely market of ours (US) and have not been able to find a full time gig since.

Now mind you- I feel depressed as hell now because I can't find a good job. Still, I have my bike, I have me, I have what I can make my body do. I may not be able to control how others treat me. If I can find a good job or not. What I can control is if I get my butt out and make sure I sweat.

So I do. I bike. I run. I swim. I lift weights. If I go more than two days without working out, I get mega depressed and I start to hate myself even more (I'm not the type of person who likes to be out of a job for almost 3 years).

My bike has been the only thing that has kept me from totally losing it. Honestly. Now, someday, I would like to compete and maybe someday I might do that. But for now, just to be able to ride by the lake, feel my heart pumping, feel the sweat, and have that time to myself to think- that is enough of a boost to give me a little bit of hope . So yeah... cycling/running/swimming helps me where the drugs do not.

Good luck. =)

My shrink (who prescribes lexapro for me) believes that much depression comes from our overbooked society. We need to fill every moment with something. Even kids are being schlepped from soccer practice to violin lessons and then to a shrink's office for antidepressents.

For me, when I become overwhelmed by life, I become more depressed. That's when I know it's time to take some things out of my life.

We must have time to recharge our batteries. If that means taking an hour for a good book, nice walk or writing in a journal, all the better. Connecting with the essence of life, rather than what we perceive life to be, is imperative.

Good post Dogmama. I agree - everyone is always so busy whirling around from one thing to the next. It really is enough to drive people crazy! (No offence intended here. I certainly don't think anyone suffering from depression is 'crazy' in any way at all.)

I think everyone needs quality time out for themselves. We need to give ourselves a break.:)

this is a great thread
i suffer from sever depression or i have suffered from it, i have suffered from depression my entire life and ifor me it is related to post truamatic stress wich i have because i grew up in a severly abusive enviroment, i got out of the abusive home when i was 19 and started therapy when i was 20 and started taking anti depresents after i started therapy, i am 25 now, for me riding my bocycle helps a lot more than anti depresents wich don'ts eem to help me very much and i have tried almost all of them, also getting enough sunlight and fresh air really helps, i am very sensetive to sunlight, if i don't get enough i get depressed, i am currently very slowly going off effexor and iw ill try not taking any anti depressent for a while, i seem to be less depressed with the very low dose i am on right now than i was when i took a higher dose, and i have worked really hard to get to the point where i can try going off anti depressents, i have a great therapist and she is really helpfull, and the meds are really helpfull, but riding my bike is just amazing
one thing i sorta wana mention though is that for really sever suicidal depression sometimes riding a bike can be dangerous at least for me, about three years ago i almost got killed riding my bike through red lights because i was very suicidal, i didn't get injured i prolly really scared some car drivers thouigh luckily there was no acidents, i never ride my bike when i am feeling to depressed because it is to dangerous for me, instead i go for long walks

Moonfroggy.... here's a big hug for you. Your story sounds like mine except I left home at 16 and was depressed for 20 years before I sought treatment.

hugs, and hang in there, it can only get better.

irulan