Issues making friends?

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Originally Posted by GLC1968

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids! ;)

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

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Oh, I would never let go of my friends with kids. I love them all and their kids. What changed though is that my other--mostly cycling--friends became the people that I saw most regularly. My married with kids friends became, really out of necessity on their end, people that I got together with maybe every six weeks. That's life.

As I suggested in another post, life waxes and wanes. I've found that it pays to be both understanding and flexible when it comes to how busy everyone is. For every friend who I gave the benefit of the doubt to when they got married and had kids, the favor was returned when I got married and moved 25 miles away. Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

Okay, I'll admit I didn't read all 3 pages of comments . . .

I'll just throw in that I too, do not have many if any close friends. 10 years ago I would have thought I was surrounded by close friends, BFF's, we would be friends FOREVER and into eternity! Ha. Become the center of a personal tragedy and you find out right-quick how good of friends you've really got.

I've tried being the "cruise director" as someone mentioned. I caught-on pretty fast that most people by now have all the friends they really want. I quit wasting my time.

But, I stayed active and fairly social--showing up to rides and trying new things and going mountain biking, running, etc. Some people started emerge repeatedly and I guess I would call them friends. We are starting to travel with two other families on occasion. We met through biking and discovered we all have kids about a similar age and we all like to bike (even the wives!!!!!). I had to chuckle one night around the campfire when one of the couples started talking about how they don't have friends. lol. We are perfect for each other. Friends . . . . and it has nearly taken a decade.

Sorry this is such a long post but this is a topic that I struggle with. I had always been surrounded by a "strong" group of female friends. To find myself suddenly very alone was quite a shock. My mom has an amazing support group of women that she has been friends with for 40 years. I just assumed I would have that same kind of community around me. I didn't realize how rare and precious a gift that is.

Anyway, I would say, just give it time. It's kind of like dating. You have to put yourself out there. Find groups and classes that are doing things you are interested in--you'll starting meeting people with common interests.

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Originally Posted by Catrin

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

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I just want to add that it can be disheartening for the friend with the kids too. Children are an incredible anchor, especially at a very young age. They are exhausting and demanding. It's more exhausting than you ever imagine it could possibly be. And simple things, like putting away the dishes, suddenly takes 4-5x as long! You can't focus on anything for more than 60 seconds without the wail of a child, the tugging of a toddler, or one of them deciding to take a dump on the floor, picking it up and running over to show you--squishing it in their hands!!!!

Seriously, I just want to go out so badly. But a sitter is so expensive. And I'm so exhausted. And it is some sick law of parenting that the one night you stay up late for real adult non-excrement slinging company--they will wake you the second your eyes begin to flutter close. The Joy of parenting can be a real prison cell. Gosh, I needed to let that out!

The lack of phone calls, plans to go out, etc. It's not personal. Certainly not in my experience. It's plain lack of opportunity. I am just now starting to experience brief moments of quiet that I had before I had children. It's a strange, welcoming feeling. I have hopes of having time again--time for myself and time to be a good friend. :)

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Originally Posted by tulip

I don't have a mountain bike these days, it's all road riding for me. But there's always hiking and kayaking and cool cafes...

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that all sounds good- especially hiking- I love to kayak but it is harder to carve out time to hit the water(:

Those moments become more frequent pretty quickly, Limewave.
I guess I modeled myself after my own parents, who got a sitter every Saturday night, and Fridays, too when they had theatre subscription tickets.
Don't get me wrong, I spent plenty of poop slinging time with my kids, but I knew that despite being a working mom, my husband and i had to be a couple first and then parents. Or otherwise, we wouldn't be good parents.
I had a fabulous babysitter who started with us when DS #1 was 3 months old and she had just turned 12. Her family had 5 kids, with the last one being the same age as my son. They had 13 foster babies. She knew more than me. We also had her older sister and younger brother sit for us on occasion. She's now about 42, with 4 kids of her own. Maybe some would have called me selfish and irresponsible, but we went out as a couple at least twice month, sometimes more. And all of our friends we went out with were parents with young children, who I met at a playgroup I went to in the summer when I wasn't working. I had a bad attitude toward these women when I met them, but 2-3 ended up being friends for life, despite the fact I moved away.
So, in reality, I ended up making friends with people I thought I would hate because I was working and none of them were.... we did tons of things with these families, holidays, birthdays, etc.
You never know.

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Originally Posted by indysteel

Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

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Yes, this :) Perfectly said!

I should add that while I don't have a huge network of friends in my immediate community, I DO have a rather large and close-knit network of friends via my association with the JDRF ride team (most within an hour's drive) and an even bigger circle of friends whom I've met online--many IRL. I am as close to some of my online friends as I am the friends I see more often. And my BFF lives 90 minutes away, but it doesn't make us less close. She is also good friends with my one local friend. And my hubby is my male BFF...I get to hang out with him every day! :cool:

I'll just chime in and say that it's true what's been written here that it does get harder as you get older and you're not in a school-type setting where you can meet lots of people where you have something in common automatically.

I also work semi-alone, my coworkers are not around me, and I haven't made many "work" friends because they're all over the country, rather than local.

My friend who had a baby last year, also found herself with less friends than before because she transitioned into motherhood while the rest of her friends were not on that same path. I told her to focus on mother/baby stuff and see if she met other like-minded mothers.

I think it happens at every stage of our lives and a long time ago I also gave up the the idea that my college friends would be my BFFs forever. It didn't happen and I am always sorry that the friendships weren't strong enough for that to become true.

I finally have a group of friends I see regularly that are my closest friends here locally. My BFF lives overseas, so I don't get to see him that often, just a few times a year. I appreciate the friends that I have here and thankfully, they were also riding people and through them, I've met one new friend.

I've also met a friend through a Pilates class and we see each other as often as we can now (she's moved, but she comes back periodically).

I do think it's exactly like dating! And it does require just going out there and being open to meeting random people.

The girlfriends that ride with me now were friends of friends and the friend that brought us together just disappeared from our life, but we stayed friends anyway (that friend got married and only wanted new married friends, not single friends :eek:).

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Originally Posted by NbyNW

Some places are just very insular and hard to break into socially, like zoom-zoom described. I lived in a place like that for a while -- it had its long-time residents and it had its transients. I guess I was in the transient camp because I was new, and while I tried to socialize in both camps, it seemed like only the transients were open to making friends. Nothing wrong with that, until the friend you made last month is moving on to another location.

In contrast there are places that are constantly absorbing new people from all over the place, and they tend to feel more welcoming and it's just easier to meet people through a variety of venues and activities.

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So true. When DP and I lived in LA, we had no problems making friends and had a large circle of people to do things with. LA is a very transient place. We've been back in MN for a decade now and our closest friends, who we still get together with at least once or twice/year and vacation with, are mostly in the So. Cal. area. Minnesotans can be so provincial. I know. I was born and raised here. Very outwardly friendly and they will do most anything for you, except invite you to dinner! We have made a few friends here - almost all through biking or work - that we get together with, but most of our local get-togethers are with family.

Great topic. We have been here in AZ six years and only have two friends that we regularly hike with. I think that having hiking in common has helped. I think one other factor is where you live. Here in AZ it is a transient population. When I think of cities that I would want to live near because of perceived friendliness, I think of Portland, Oregon, Denver, CO, Vancouver, BC.

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Originally Posted by itself

Great topic. We have been here in AZ six years and only have two friends that we regularly hike with. I think that having hiking in common has helped. I think one other factor is where you live. Here in AZ it is a transient population. When I think of cities that I would want to live near because of perceived friendliness, I think of Portland, Oregon, Denver, CO, Vancouver, BC.

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So true! some places are more welcoming then others (: All of our friends are also transplants...............

Actually, I've heard it said that Portland isn't a good place to make friends either. That everyone here is certainly friendly enough, but no one wants to make REAL friends because they already have plenty.

Honestly, I haven't found that to be true at all but I've heard a lot of people say it so it wasn't just an isolated person who felt that way.

All my friends in AZ were transplants from the east (the east, not Chicago, as some in AZ call it), like me. But, we weren't transient. In fact, I'm the only one who left! I agree it's a transient society, but that made it easier to make friends. People moved in, you invited them to dinner, and they came. Of course, I knew people who had lived in the valley for years, or were natives, through work.
Then, I came back here, where I was born, and it does seem like people are just more involved with their families. Not just their kids, but their parents, too. I remember 2 things. I called up someone i met and asked her if she and her DH wanted to come over for dinner. Her response was, "You mean like tonight?" I said no, on Saturday night. She never got back to me. The other one was we invited 3 couples over for a dessert party. They came so late, we had almost shut out the lights...
I suspect if I lived in the city, it would be different. Heck, I didn't even make any friends except our driveway neighbor, when I moved to this house. We went to the "Newcomers" club and it was a bunch of people that were so unlike us, we ran. Thankfully, we didn't really *need* new friends, but thought it would be nice to make some connections in Concord. I guess since my kids didn't go to school here, that won't happen. In fact, when I mention where I used to live and the fact my kids went to the "rival" HS next door, their noses turn up. Oy. I just look at them and say, hey, I moved 9 miles, I don't need to change anything in my life.

Maybe a different way to see the migrant residents (I don't necessarily view as "transients".), is that I find they, like myself, are willing to share with anyone where they originally/last moved from.

And from that, there is chat about comparing experiences ie. weather, lifestyle, local vibe, etc.

Without the Internet to share like this, some of us would be complainin' wayyyyyyy more for lack of human dialogue on some topics.