grief

Oak, I didn't want my last post to become a novel so I kept it short, but one of the things that I needed validating from an impartial third party is that sometimes a loss of a pet can be more difficult than losing a parent.

As I've stated in my original post, my father and I were not close when he died. One of the things that I'm working through right now is that I actually sometimes feel that it was much more difficult when I lost my dog. I felt so guilty, how could I be sadder losing my dog than my own father?!

While a parent is awfully important in one's life, as an adult, I didn't see him all that often. Not like as a child when I saw him almost daily (when he was't on business trips). Up until 5 years ago, I saw him maybe once a year, if that for about 10 years, and when they moved back, I saw him maybe 2-3 times a month for a few hours, whereas I saw my dog every day. My life revolved around his needs, so when he died, it left a HUGE gaping hole. I cried for months and I still cry over him sometimes. Losing my dad brought up the feelings of that loss, too.

****

Snapdragen: I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. If you want to pm me to vent or just ramble, feel free to do so. I certainly know how you feel.

Badger, I didn't mean at all to invalidate your feelings. Having never lost a human family member I can't make a direct comparison, but I doubt the intensity of my grief could be any greater. I only meant that it's a different type of a relationship ... the way a pet is dependent on us makes it more like a child, but we know going into it that we're likely to outlive them, so we're far more prepared for the loss than parents who lose children.

It's been over three years since the last of my dogs died, and I don't feel the grief every day, but there are times I will still tear up over any of them. So yes, feel that loss, feel it as intensely as you do and never feel that it's wrong.

oh no, Oak, there was no invalidation, in fact, I was actually validating your comment :)

I was having a bit of an issue feeling that perhaps I was more devastated by my dog's death than my father's. Not to say my dad's death didn't/hasn't affected me, because it does, but his seems to be more on a subconscious level. With my dog, my life literally did revolve around him as he was old and he had many health issues. So when he died, not only was it a visual reminder that he was gone (his bed put away, his leash hanging by the door, etc), but my whole routine was disrupted. It really left a big hole in my life.

Anyways, I think every death is different, as is the way we are affected by them. For the most part, you expect your parents to die before you, and also your pets. You're sort of "prepared", but you never really are, are you? One day they're there, and the next day they're gone. And you'll never see them again. It's quite profound.

Badger, I had similar thoughts when my father died. Of course I loved him, and he was a good father, but our relationship had become more distant as he got older (old age was not the best part of his life, and I had to maintain some distance from his anger and criticism).

The extent to which our pets are entwined in our daily lives -- walking, feeding, playing -- is so great that the loss has a very immediate, wrenching quality. Also, pets are dependent on us in a way that adult family members usually aren't.