Hubby is mad that I won't ride......

One last point, a saddle that is set too high even if it is good in other ways can also cause you problems, as your girly bits get sawed over the saddle with each pedal stroke. Sometimes women need the rear of the saddle slightly higher than the front (whereas a lot of guys prefer the nose up), but not all of us. Many of us prefer Brooks leather saddles (I ride a Brooks Finesse) but the issue is we are all diff., and we each need a saddle that is well suited to our individual anatomies beyond even being male or female. I would take that gal up on the offer of sending you her lady gel flow. That is identical to the terry butterfly, a very popular saddle.

I strongly urge you to visit the shop where DH bought the bike, and ask to have them fit YOU to the bike. Tell them the problems you are having, and let them work with you to solve it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mimitabby

and my DH says "If it affects our sex life, I will SHRED IT!!!!! Personal comfort above all else. "

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Pretty key, don't you think for preserving a long-term joint cycling-marriage?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mimitabby

and my DH says "If it affects our sex life, I will SHRED IT!!!!! Personal comfort above all else.

(and you can share THAT with your TE girlyfriends). "

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Mimi your husband is always the voice of reason. :D:D

GeorgiaGirl - does he let you have friends? Maybe you could take a friend to the LBS with you when you go. Being completely dependent on your DH for every aspect is perhaps not the best way to proceed, especially considering the differences in anatomy, interest, skill level, and motivation.

I've worked with far too many women in unbalanced domestic power situations. Please be aware that this much control over one person by the other member in the relationship is detrimental to both of you. Set out on your own two feet in regards to YOUR bicycle and YOUR riding. It will be good for you both.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KnottedYet

Please be aware that this much control over one person by the other member in the relationship is detrimental to both of you. Set out on your own two feet in regards to YOUR bicycle and YOUR riding. It will be good for you both.

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+1 to that.
Once you get a comfy saddle, go out on your own. Ride where you feel safe. Maybe explore a new neighborhood, choose a destination where you can go have a cup of tea and let your mind relax. You never know what's out there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zencentury

+1 to that.
Once you get a comfy saddle, go out on your own. Ride where you feel safe. Maybe explore a new neighborhood, choose a destination where you can go have a cup of tea and let your mind relax. You never know what's out there.

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I bet there are a few, even many of us in Georgia. If you posted a TE ride that could either be a leisurely ride with TE gals or breaks into groups. Your DH could try to keep up with faster TE gals (and their guys if they bring 'em.) :cool:

Ride with other experienced riders, you'll soon catch up with him. Also gives you a chance to really see how others set their bikes up. I've learned a lot here that way.

When my DH wants to ride with me, he rides with me and my girlfriends and we usually call the shots. As much as I hope that you continue to ride together I think it is really important to interact with other riders as well. It's so great to hear other opinions and perspectives. Oh wait, that's what TE is for.:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KnottedYet

I've worked with far too many women in unbalanced domestic power situations. Please be aware that this much control over one person by the other member in the relationship is detrimental to both of you. Set out on your own two feet in regards to YOUR bicycle and YOUR riding. It will be good for you both.

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+1. Knot, thanks for being explicit. So true. It is better for both.

You raised two issues:

1) saddle issues. you've gotten a lot of good suggestions on how to deal with this. if it were me I would start with a professinal fit.

2) needing hubby to help you understand gearing. try this link: http://www.sheldonbrown.com/gearing/index.html

I think you need to decide if you want to ride, for you, and if so, take personal responsibility to solve your fit problems and educate yourself on how this simple machine works. It may have come off wrong on how you said it, but it sounds like you have fear that unfortuanatly many women in our society seem to have of understanding mechanical things.

In some ways this is turning into a discussion of feminism, but I think that is cool. When I was younger I identified with feminism, but once I became a successful professional I didn't think that much about it. But my daughter attends a womens college and is very much in tune with modern feminism (we are even going to V-day in New Orleans together, any other TE gals going???) and the equity (or lack there of) issues that still plague many women around the world.

We are not trying to judge you, or your relationship, but we are letting you know that its OK to be a strong women, and that strong women take responsibility for solving their own problems and getting what they want in life.

In terms of my personal experience with relationships, we are about to celebrate our 23th wedding anniversary, and yeh we do cycle together, and would never let a saddle come between us. We have mutual respect for each other, and helping each other achieve their goals. Can I ask how old you are? (i am 50). I will also add that for us, cycling togehter often means going together to a club ride and having lunch together after, but then he'll ride with his peer group and I'll ride with mine. We do tour together, but that is a different dynamic, and he'll carry more luggage to even us out a bit (he is a stronger rider).

Ditto what knotted said.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Triskeliongirl

we are letting you know that its OK to be a strong women, and that strong women take responsibility for solving their own problems and getting what they want in life.

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Well said.

I don't even see this as a feminist issue...substitute the word person for the word women, above, and it makes all kinds of sense for any relationship (for young men with their moms/dads or others, etc...about any relationship).

Oh, I so agree. I had a similar conversation with a male graduate student the other day that I thought was giving in to 'weakness' and not living up to his potential.

Loving another person, whether a partner, parent, sibling, etc. means wanting to work to help both people be strong.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Triskeliongirl

(we are even going to V-day in New Orleans together, any other TE gals going???)

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Oh Trisk I am so jealous! Eve Ensler was in the next town last week. I went to hear her speak and even dragged DH out, he was very reluctant to go but afterward he was really glad he went. (and that he wasn't the only male there :p) She was fabulous.

/hijack off - nothing really to add to what others have said, just adding my support for GG!

Hi GeorigaGirl94! Welcome to TE and the world of cycling!:D:cool: I'd definitely take the advice of others about getting professionally fit on your bike as pain in your girly bits can indicate more than just the saddle being not right for you and should not be ignored or scoffed at for that matter. Besides the immediate problems of being extremely uncomfortable(and I've been there - Ooh, ow, ow! Absolutely not FUN! :eek::mad:), there are some health issues that may arise from it. The friction and pressure from the saddle rubbing may leave you more vunerable to UTI's and yeast infections. Then there's damage of soft tissue and nerves, some of which may be irriversible. These are only a few of the things that come to mind of problems expressed by other riders. So PLEASE listen to your body: it is trying to tell you something and it couldn't make itself more clear!

More important than the saddle issues; however, is communication. It's absolutely key in cycling. This is true for anyone with whom you may ride, but especially true IMHO when riding with your partner. And honoring what each of you has to say is part of good communication. It's really not a bad skill set to have off the bike too.;) I understand the fustrations of starting out when one partner is more experienced than the other(I'm in your shoes-DH has been cycling for years and my interest didn't pique 'til last year, and I'm kinda a homebody too), and it's only compounded when that partner puts too many expectations on the other. This is a time that the both of you need to exercise lots of patience.(Something I'm not always good at. :rolleyes::o)

While it's commendable thay you and your DH want to find an activity to spend more quality time together, make sure that it's one that you both enjoy. Quality time should be fun and used to build a stronger, healthier relationship.

~Soo

GeorigaGirl, just wanted to let you know that I don't read your husband as controlling at all. RoseRyder got it so right -- I've found that hubbys and boyfriends are sometimes the worst teachers out there even if they have your interest at heart. The whole Mars/Venus communication thing is amplified...

This thread does seem to be going off into worries about your relationship when I didn't see that at all. I've got an ex-military officer hubby and he can be an opinionated SOB at times. Thinks he knows everything and will butt into conversations in stores when I'm trying to gather info from the expert, expert NOT being him. I've just learned to kick him in the shins.:cool: The man likes to talk but he's durable. 24 years of shin-kicking and he still tries it. Or maybe he's just a slower learner. :rolleyes:

Is he controlling? Not at all. Matter of fact, he'll frequently recognize before I when I need to do something on my own, without him, and would never read or post here because he sees it as my space (unless I ask him to). He's incredibly enthusiastic and supportive of me, but can he be an arrogant know-it-all? You bet.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that not all of us think your husband is in anyway detrimentally controlling -- at least from what we've read here. He sounds in many ways like a winner.

Try as many saddles as it takes and a fitting to be sure you have the saddle in the right place on the bike and under your anatomy. And many happy miles together.

Trisk, I am one who gladly lets my husband do ALL of the mechanical work. I can barely tie my shoes and it's a miracle that I even ride and understand the gearing and can somewhat converse on an intelligent level about the mechanical aspects of cycling. I consider myself a feminist, but I just suck at anything that is mechanical, requires eye hand coordination, or even remembering the steps of how to do something that involves a machine or technology. I would be quite happy with no computers, IPods, cell phones, etc. In fact, I often tell my husband, who is a gadget guru, that I feel like I can't use half the stuff in our house. He always volunteers to show me, but I just get too frustrated, mainly because I think it's not necessary in the first place and I zone out. And believe me, it wasn't that I was brought up to be a shrinking violet. In my family, my mom could do anything mechanical and my dad is worse than me when it comes to this stuff. I know I have a visual perception issue, but I have solved this problem by totally avoiding things that require this ability. I still don't like to ride alone because I live in fear of a mechanical, but I do. I've been to tons of workshops, had other women show me stuff, and it just goes in one ear and out the other. I know that this sounds whiny, but some people, men included, really are bad at this stuff, or just don't like it.

Sounds like Georgia, your DH does alot of cycling on his own, so something can always be worked out so he gets his fast workout on his own and joins you separately on a different ride.

In reading this whole thread, makes me realize how symbiotic my cycling competence and development has evolved in relation to my partner who is stronger cycling-wise..over nearly the past 17 yrs. In fact, I started off knowing him with cycling at the start of our relationship but neither of us never knew that the other had a cycling interest in the lst 6 months of knowing each other.

He is by nature, a patient person. From the beginning, he always went off on his own fitness rides. Then at a different time, he would join up with me for a ride where he had to ride and wait for me along the way. He tried to teach me gearing, but I actually didn't get it in my head...until I joined a women's cycling group.

By nature, both he and I are, each friendly hermits. :):) We like to each do our own thing, but like to share doing other shared actitivities also. From the beginning of returning to cycling (31), I always enjoyed doing some solo rides....after he showed me on bike, cycling routes that I wanted to do on my own if he wasn't around to be with me due to our personal schedules.

I've had my flats, etc. and no, am not the most mechanical ...even after attending women's workshops on fixing bike flats, etc...so I have accepted responsibility for myself when this happens when I'm alone on bike and just....walk home or throw the bike onto bus or subway homeward. We don't have a car, so I can't phone him to pick me up. That's ok. I've lived a car-free life for so long even before him. I use bike shops for repairs that he doesn't feel well-versed on certain problems.

I don't depend on him for cycling...after all, he and I lived in 2 different cities for 2.5 years of our relationship when he was forced to relocated. Each of us continued to cycle solo...and every evening we phoned each other...to also include our cycling adventures of the day.

Become strong on the bike yourself...it will carry you far as life moves ahead, changes and you will enjoy riding more with others who have different/better cycling competencies in group rides.

Had a nice ride this morning. Glad it's Spring and the roads are dry and the sun is shining. Good to be able to ride my bike.

Didn't have time to read through all the threads, but there are saddle test programs out there.
WTB
Terry
Selle Italia
all have test saddle programs. You go into the shop, pick one out, take er home and try er out, and swap around until you find a prince in the sea of frogs.
Our shop currently has the WTB one, but as soon as the Terry Selle programs come back into stock, we will have them.
So see if you can find a shop that has one of the programs. I'm thinking Terry might work for you.
good luck!
Denise

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Trek420

I bet there are a few, even many of us in Georgia. If you posted a TE ride that could either be a leisurely ride with TE gals or breaks into groups. Your DH could try to keep up with faster TE gals (and their guys if they bring 'em.) :cool:

Ride with other experienced riders, you'll soon catch up with him. Also gives you a chance to really see how others set their bikes up. I've learned a lot here that way.

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This is a great idea. But even if there are no TE riders near you, you could post a note at your LBS that you're looking for some other women to ride with occasionally. Or, since you're at Ft. Benning, is your DH in the army? If so, there must be some kind of spouse's club--maybe you could get one or two out of that group interested in riding with you.

Sure it's great riding with your guy, but it's also helpful--and fun--to get involved with other riding buddies, especially other women. They're out there--just may take some hunting to find them.:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bad JuJu

Sure it's great riding with your guy, but it's also helpful--and fun--to get involved with other riding buddies, especially other women. They're out there--just may take some hunting to find them.:D

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The one thing I dislike about cycling (besides that most events start too fracking early in the morning :mad:) is the whole matching thang of the sport layering into cultures of different speeds/distances.

I ride ___ mph and prefer 30 mile rides, s/he rides ___ mph and isn't warmed up till 40 miles, this one sprints so vertical s/he'll fall over backwards, that one hates climbing .... so none of us can ever ride together, right? Wrong. Though sometimes it's hard for even the most devoted supportive symbiotic gently shin kicking of partners and friends to ride together it can be done. :cool:

While there are a few couples on this board who ride each others pace I think most also ride alone and/or with other groups. Some TE'ers SO's :eek: don't even ride whether because they can't or don't want to. This isn't out of being any less close to the other, sometimes you just find good ride buddies who ride your pace.

One should always be able to find creative ways to share the sport and be supportive of one another. That may mean preparation for the ride, starting and ending together, the faster rider gets to ride the freewheel mixte while slower rider takes the road bike :p TE gal preps the bike while your guy preps the recovery meal, or even just talking about your latest epic ride and planning the next one.

I have few regrets in life but one is that I never got to ride with my cousin's fiance Kathy who died in a bike crash. The rides I do, too slow for them, the rides they did ... out of my league, Terrible Two, Davis Double ... stuff I can't even imagine. First time I rode with my cousin was her memorial.

My cousin and I have made a point to do some rides together since. Yeah he rides up and down and back up Old Tunnel Road in the time I do it once ... but I'm out there with him.

Life's short, find a way to ride together.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Triskeliongirl

Loving another person, whether a partner, parent, sibling, etc. means wanting to work to help both people be strong.

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I've waited to weigh in. Some of the advice I see suggest seems to be more than "righteous push back" but rather "mean push back". I love what Triskeliongirl said here

I'm not one to speak about control in a relationship (I have my own demons on that...) and if your hubby is military...control is probably ingrained in his psyche. That's not going to change overnight.

I think push back offered in love makes a relationship stronger. One can be strong, decisive, and free without being mean...

Oven mitts, oven mitts, oven mitts.

Like these? ;) :rolleyes:

Yes, please :D
Those are nice!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mr. Silver

I think push back offered in love makes a relationship stronger. One can be strong, decisive, and free without being mean...

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by GeorigaGirl94

He thinks I'm just being a picky B**** and basically I just don't want to ride with him. <snip> how can I express this to him and make him believe it?

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Mr. Silver, I agree. And, of course, we have not heard from the husband, but the characterization above paints a mean picture, of a husband who calls his wife a b**** and who doesn't believe her when she says it hurts...and also expresses what sounds like manipulative conclusions about how she just doesn't want to ride with him. Now, that might be a mis-characterization. And, of course, just because one party is being mean-spirited, that doesn't mean it will help if the other party takes up that mean-spirit.

But, if a guy actually is saying she's a picky b**** because she doesn't want the saddle he picked out for her, and accuses her of not wanting to ride with him, discounting her physical pain (and her words describing that pain), putting the burden on her to convince him that she is being truthful...well, sorry, that p!sses me off, and puts me in a mean mood.

Should I have compassion for him...of course, and I actually do. Could it all be a misunderstanding...of course. But, if her description is accurate...it makes me feel mean. I've seen too much damage eventually done to women that started out with subtle controlling, done in manipulative ways to make the women feel they've been too sensitive.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Starfish

Could it all be a misunderstanding...of course. But, if her description is accurate...it makes me feel mean. I've seen too much damage eventually done to women that started out with subtle controlling, done in manipulative ways to make the women feel they've been too sensitive.

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I agree, Starfish. We can't really know for sure about this because you'd really have to be there but it doesn't sound good and being treated that way can lead to Major Bad Stuff for a woman who lacks confidence.
I hope we've given GG a start there. at least as far as cycling is concerned.

I promised myself I'd sleep on this one, woke up even angrier than I was last night... but I see you two have beat me to it. Thanks :)

I've thought about this thread as well. It reminds me of a story a lady I know told me. Her husband, with the best intentions in the world, bought her a new car for her birthday. Think about how much time the average person spends in her car. But she had no say in what kind of car, what color, what extras, etc. And unfortunately, it wasn't what she would have chosen for herself. She grew to hate that car.

The OP is in the same position. Her husband went out and spent a lot of cash on something he thinks she should like. But he didn't consult her about what she would like. She didn't get to "test drive" her new vehicle. He doesn't understand why she doesn't really like what he spent so much money on with the best of intentions. She doesn't necessarily care for the color, the fit, whatever.

This past Christmas, my brother made an effort to buy me something cycling related. He got me a Camelbak. A good idea. But when my SIL asked me if I had one, I answered truthfully, 'yes'. He was disappointed. I exchanged it for a new helmet.

What we have here is a failure to communicate. When you are ploughing a ton of money into a gift for someone, why not take him/her with you or at least be sure what you are getting is something you are sure they want. Not what you think he/she should have.

It's a little more than that, SB, though all those points are included.

He bought her something that causes her excruciating pain, called her a b**** for not enjoying it, and apparently has been "at it" with her for some time before she got up the nerve to post.

Lets bring it back to the saddle problem. Maybe in her frustartion GG exagerated the relationship issues, maybe she didn't, but those points have been made.

When I first started riding seriously I developed chronic UTIs. My urologist wrote Terry Liberator Saddle on a prescription pad, and sent me to my LBS. In other words, he told me to try saddles with cut-outs. I started with a liberator, and was fine with it. Then I got a new bike that came with a butterfly, and was fine with that. But then I put it on another new bike and it stopped working and I realized even the butterfly which is fairly wide was not wide enough for my sit bones. When that happens your weight is borne by your soft tissues and not sit bones. In retrospect, I also know that my saddle height on the new bike was set a bit higher, which contributed to the problem. I bought a Brooks Finesse from Wallingford, with their generos return policy and love it. It doesn't have a cut-out, but because its wide enough to support my sit bones I don't need it.

My husband also rides skinny selle italia saddles, but he is not surprised they don't work for me, and would believe me if I said there was a problem. Also, if the seat tube angle on the bike he bought is steep (common on many smaller frames) you may also need a very laid back seatpost to get the saddle far back enough for good sitbone support.

BOTTOM LINE, mostly likely the saddle is supporting your soft tissues and not sit bones, and that is what is giving you pain. WHen that happens to your urethra, it will burn when you urinate and you can end up with a UTI. My labia were bleeding until I got my brooks finesse.

PLEASE REPORT BACK HOW YOU WORK THIS OUT. AND WELCOME!!!!

One more thing. My husband is a fast racer type. There are no women in his peer group in our club that can stay with that group unless they allow her to (meaning they aren't going all out). I think you will find it very frustrating if your goal is to ride his pace. I am not as fast as my husband, but that doesn't mean that I don't love to ride and that its not a hugely important part of my (and our) life. For me, it keeps me physically healthy, mentally sound, and lets me do my bit for the environment. Mostly its a spiritual thing that keeps me strong in all aspects of my life.

SO, don't let the saddle problem discourage you. Its a great sport, so focus on first being able to ride pain free. Then find a peer group that will help you get stronger. Then you will be strong enough to go on rides with DH where he isn't going all out but you'll be able to ride fast enough that he'll still be able to enjoy it. Our you can go on cycling vacations together, and he can carry most of the luggage, like we do :).

sounds like you need to do two things:

1) tell your husband you don't like being called a b**** just because you don't want to ride
2) tell him to appreciate his wife for who she is... and not who he wants her to be :(

... and as for the saddle, honestly... if you were really into cycling (and that's perfectly okay that you're not!), you would have found one already that worked. I somehow think the saddle is not the real issue here :(

My story wasn't intended to be the answer to all her problems.

& my SO would only call me a ***** once.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zencentury

Yes, please :D
Those are nice!

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I forgot to credit them. You can get your very own pair of cycling oven mitts as "Etsy.com" :cool:

And that's "Ms. B****" to you. :p

wow, i wonder if that poor gal has come back to read all these posts.
I am seeing a lot of wisdom here; but I wonder if they are ready to hear the truth.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mimitabby

wow, i wonder if that poor gal has come back to read all these posts.
I am seeing a lot of wisdom here; but I wonder if they are ready to hear the truth.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by GeorigaGirl94

ANY advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm sure he'll be reading them..:)

Jamie

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Or her husband. :o

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chicago

... and as for the saddle, honestly... if you were really into cycling (and that's perfectly okay that you're not!), you would have found one already that worked.

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Can't agree here. I love cycling, and have been at it for about 4-5 years now. I'm still dialing in just the right saddle.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Triskeliongirl

SO, don't let the saddle problem discourage you. Its a great sport, so focus on first being able to ride pain free. Then find a peer group that will help you get stronger. Then you will be strong enough to go on rides with DH where he isn't going all out but you'll be able to ride fast enough that he'll still be able to enjoy it.

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Great advice!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chicago

... and as for the saddle, honestly... if you were really into cycling (and that's perfectly okay that you're not!), you would have found one already that worked.

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Well that's not necessarily true. Her husband isn't the only person out there telling women that fit doesn't matter or that they're just small men, and that attitude isn't unique to bicycling.

On saddle fit in particular, a lot of people, male or female, just don't know any better. Back in the '80s and '90s I rode for years with open sores on my nether regions. I was really into cycling, but I had no idea that different saddles fit differently or that I was supposed to try them on. When I got my first-generation Terry saddle (cut-out in the frame but not the cover) I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. A couple of years ago when I went on the retreat that sparked my return to cycling, I asked some of the group leaders about my problems with chafing, and not a one of them (experienced female triathletes all) mentioned saddle fit as a potential issue; they just told me about various lubes they used. When I got my new bike last year, I knew I needed a cutout, but that was it. I had no idea about saddle width, nose width, etc., until I started reading this board.

One of the things GeorgiaGirl said is that she really enjoyed riding except for the chafing. I don't see any reason to take the rest of what she said at face value, and not that statement.

I think we scared her away. Hopefully she (they) read the posts.

GG, I hope you get the bike/saddle thing worked out. Please keep checking TE because we are all learning from each other all the time. I hope you can get your own sign-in, though, that's yours alone.

Starfish: What I find happens is whenever you find the perfect saddle ... the mfr stops making it or changes the design. My "love at first sit" saddle is no longer made. My LBS found me a great new one yet assures me if I want the one I had before he has 3 stored in a secret climate controlled vault hidden far northern Finland. ;) Thanks Chris.

Triskeliongirl: I favor the policy that "slowest rider gets the best/lightest bike" that way both are happy. Either both have great bikes and faster rider gets a new commuter, cruiser or freewheel so she gets a workout in, or both have great bikes but slower rider gets the dream bike to help him keep up. :cool:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by OakLeaf

Well that's not necessarily true. Her husband isn't the only person out there telling women that fit doesn't matter or that they're just small men, and that attitude isn't unique to bicycling.

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Sadly often that's the bike shop, which is why it's so important to find the right one.

It's a nice sunny day, a perfect day for a ride or to get ready for one. Hopefully GG you are out arranging a bike fit and trying out some new saddle choices.