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What I pick up on, perhaps he's freaking out that you might be getting in shape and that, for some reason, bring up abandonment crap for him. Going out and doing things without him can trigger the same kind of thing Being a guy of course he probably doesn't do emotions very well, so he may not even know it.
Perhaps it's time to work with a professional to learn how to communicate better about what is REALLY going on. Nothing wrong with counseling, it's help my marriage immensely.
When I first started riding with DH, I had a clunky, crappy bike and he had a beautiful fast Cannondale. I griped, complained and pouted on every ride. How tired I was, how hot it was, how he was going too fast for me to keep up... surely it all meant he didn't love me!
That went on for just a few months and I saved up an purchased a better bike... not a great bike, but better than what I had. I could start keeping up with him a little and I whined and complained less. 6 months after that, I got my road bike. From then on in, no complaining. 1.5 years after that, I got a great road bike. He drafted me yesterday :).
Just some food for thought... sounds to me like he is jealous that you love riding the bike and that you are having a relatively easy time of it, while he is struggling.
My plan is just to enjoy it myself for now... and include the kids (little ones in trailer, big one on his own bike). I don't like feeling like I have to rely on him to be home in order to go ride (I don't think that's fair to either of us, honestly), so I'm fixing that for my own sake... and I had planned on doing so prior to yesterday... and that doesn't change. I want to be able to transport the bike(s) plus kids with my car. I wanted to do that before I was really set on taking the kids biking with me... just because it would be easier to have a way to transport my bike that did NOT include having to take the kids' carseats out of the car, because they're a PITA to get back in - I'd rather not have to do that more than I need to (a few times a year to clean off the back seat is enough) :) Plus if I needed to take my bike to the LBS or something, it's not always convenient to go without the kids.Quote:
Originally Posted by shootingstar
Of course I don't want to push him if he doesn't want to do this... because it should be fun for everyone if we're going to do it together (or rather, try to), but given that 3 years ago he picked out his bike and the trailer for the kids on his own.. that kind of left me with the impression that it was something he wanted to start doing.. or at least pick up an interest in, but he just didn't, and I don't know why - maybe it was me not being interested at the time (no working bike)? Maybe it was too much of a chore to get out and do it with the kids on his own? I guess only he can answer that one, but honestly I can't figure out a way to ask that and not have it sound like an accusation. My only solution is to just drop it for now, and as he sees the kids are enjoying it more, perhaps he'll be interested in participating as well.
As of right now.. not really, and to be honest he hasn't the entire time I've known him (10+ years). He's into motorcycles, but currently has no one to go ride with... he tends to play with the dirt bikes on our property on the weekends (sometimes I join him).. but it's not exactly what I'd call exercise, it's an adrenalin rush and little more. We're not doing technical stuff or any difficult riding. We used to go play disc golf once in a while, but not often enough to even consider it a hobby. I would like the ENTIRE family to be more active, for the benefit of us all.. but I feel like I can't suggest that without it not coming out right, if that makes sense... basically I don't want him to think I'm really suggesting that he HAS to do something to get in shape, or that I am not happy with how he is now, because neither of those is true... really he's relatively healthy, so far.. I just want him to stay that way. The way our current lifestyle is though, we do need to change because we won't be young forever, and unless we get more active, it will eventually catch up with us.Quote:
Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them either right now or ever.
I have a host of medical issues myself... and a not very encouraging family history of heart disease (mom had heart attack at 55, dad at 53, with a stroke too). I want to be healthier than they are and not put my kids through what my parents put me through, but I already feel like I'm at a disadvantage there because I have a couple of auto-immune diseases (stupid body!) plus asthma... so I want to be able to do what I can do so that I'm around a while.. and not die young because I thought I was invincible - I know I'm not :) But yeah, I suppose I'm rambling now :p
And really I don't think our relationship is as bad as it may seem.. he is supportive of the things I want to do (I do more than just ride, obviously..lol), it's just that every once in a while we get hung up on stuff like this... or he reacts in a way I don't expect to something I would have expected to be completely benign (like the bike club) simply because we're seeing it from different perspectives - it's hard for BOTH of us to take a step back and look at things from both sides.
Oh drat, this is long, but I'm hoping it's insight into where his head might be when you ride together, even though I'm telling my side of the story. (though I think he's being stupid insisting on towing the kids -- if he had you do it, they'd slow you down and make it easier for him to keep up. That's why I had HIM tow the trailer with our grandson riding in it!)
It's HARD to be the one trying to keep up.
When DH decided a few years ago that we were going to take up biking TOGETHER "to get ready for ski season," little did he know that he was unleashing a monster. Not that I'm trying to suggest that I'm really good at this riding thing, mind you, but it turned out that I love it! He rides "to get some exercise." Exercise is a side benefit for me.
Biking, for me, was love at first crank, so to speak. That doesn't mean I've always LIKED riding. From the first, he could go faster than me. Trying to keep up was frustrating. His method of "waiting up" while I caught up to him was to ride down and back on side streets, ride way ahead and come back, and that was demoralizing. Or, he'd get out of sight, and expect me to know where I was supposed to follow. Plus, I hurt. Lots. My body was overwhelmed by the new activity.
Still, I loved it. I wanted to ride. I would go out by myself, because it helped me hurt less to ride gently in the warmth of the day, so my muscles would loosen up from the day before.
Then DH would come home from work and want to ride. We would ride. Inevitably, at some point on our rides "together," I would find myself crying in frustration. Since I did NOT want to give up riding, I knew I had to solve the issue. The problem was NOT DH, it was in me. Just because he could go faster than I could didn't mean I couldn't do it, but
I needed to figure out how I could ride with DH and enjoy it.
I needed to learn that it was okay to not be as fast as DH. I needed to learn to ride my own ride. The hardest thing for me to do, though, was to help him understand what I needed from him.
He would yell at me for following him down a cul de sac that he was using as a time filler while I would catch up to him, but he expected me to follow him. Following him meant riding the cul de sac, right? We had to figure out some other way.
I had a hard time with him doubling back too. I had to learn to accept a certain amount of that, becaues stopping to wait for me is not in his nature. He hates to stop once he's moving -- and he's really hard to get moving in the first place! He agreed to learn to slow down enough to be sure he could see me in his mirror after I ended up way off course one day following the wrong person in a same color shirt!
Riding with DH was more fun, particularly as my fitness level improved. We got so we were paired pretty well, though he has this thing about riding behind me on busy roads, and blocking my view of traffic, which makes me nuts. He takes a little pushing to get out the door, but he always enjoys a ride once he's moving.
This year is different. I need to keep those days in mind. This year, I'm smoking him on the hills -- not that I'm going fast! and in general, I'm a stronger rider than I've ever been. He's not riding as much this year as he has the past few. Granted -- it makes me feel pretty good to beat him up a hill. It's new for me, and it's been YEARS in the making. It's pretty cool to fly past him on a flat too -- that never happened either!
But his ego is taking a bit of a bruising (not that he'll say so). It was getting hard to get him out riding with me. I learned some new tricks -- I ride my heavier bike when I ride with him, and I ride in the spinny gears, pedaling like a madwoman and getting nowhere. He's still leading the way, setting the pace, and determining how much of a ride we're going to have, which makes him happy. I'm spinning, loosening up the muscles that I have been abusing in the gym and torturing on the road when I'm alone. We're riding together, both happy, and that's a good thing!
My fast, long, hard rides are on my own -- me time. Or, there are the group rides, where I'm somewhere in the middle, scrambling to catch the fast riders to let them know they're losing us slow riders! Oh -- and the trailer does grocery duty these days. I get to tow it, and he's glad he doesn't have to!
Karen in Boise
I'm wondering a couple of things. Are you sure he's not in some kind of physical distress? When was his last check up? And, are you sure his bike was working perfectly, and his brakes weren't rubbing? I get really cranky when my brakes rub.
I agree with Kano's observations. If you're that kind of person being the slow one really sucks. I can get really childish and upset and cranky if I feel that I'm keeping someone back, while still trying my hardest, especially if that person is just whooshing back and forth filling time apparently with no effort.
When I started cross-country skiing some years ago, after several trips apoplectic with distress, I made a deal with my dh - he stays BEHIND, and he does NOT overlap my skis. That let me set my own pace, stop when I wanted to, and not feel pushed - and let me hide my face when I was really struggling. Stupid, I know, but that's just what it was like. Now we're much more closely matched and I've mellowed out anyway so we don't do that anymore, but I try to observe the same thing with our son and give him space when he needs it to feel on top of things.
It can be tough if your mental image of yourself doesn't match reality, and realizing there's a mismatch doesn't necessarily help the feeling of substandardness.
I heard this somewhere--when wives lose weight or change their appearance, that's a sign to men that we may be getting ready to leave. A few years ago, I lost some weight thus resulting in some new clothes. I got a new hair cut to go with my new confidence. I kept catching DH looking at me funny--"No worries, babe. I'm doing it all for you!"Quote:
Originally Posted by Irulan
tctrek--I think we're related :) I vividly remember breaking down into "ugly" crying in the middle of the trail. When he doubled back for me, I said, "Don't you love me anymore?! Why would you abandon me out here on the trail? I was scared and lost!" (It was an out and back path--I could only end up at the car! TUP!)
When we first got bikes, my husband and I biked to work. He was faster than I was, though we were both out of shape. It was so difficult for me, I remember stopping and getting mad at him for going faster and all kinds of weird issues. One ride home from work, I remember thinking... screw this. I'm going to go my pace, and if he's faster, he's faster. I'm riding for ME.
Fast forward like 5 years, and the tables are severely turned. I know last year when we'd ride to work, my husband would be frustrated with me like I was with him - and I always tried to keep a positive attitude with him, but still give him space. Sometimes the right answer is to ride your own pace, let him ride his own pace, and choose a point to meet back up. I would absolutely look into being able to ride with the kids on your own - don't always give him the choice, just fasten the kids to your bike and conveniently leave them there when you go out for your next ride. Maybe he won't feel like you're ditching him with the kids... but it's hard to say. The attitude problem is on his end, but I get where you're coming from.
I have found that this year, my husband is working out more, and while he still can't keep up with me, his attitude about cycling and things in general is better. Sometimes once you get over that hump, things start to come together - exercise does often improve one's mood and outlook on the world, and consistent exercise really does help. However, I had to do this not by "hey, join me on my rides" but rather "we have a gym membership, why don't you go do that while I do the dishes today"... eventually we started doing more things together again, but it took some independent time first.
I think there's an element of the abandonment thing (sometimes I have told stories about strange guys on rides thanking me for the "tough workout" of them trying to keep up with me, or guys that start riding with me and talking about my bike, and I can see that those aren't received favorably ;)). There's some kind of jealousy or 'sense of duty' thing (he should be stronger than you, right? be able to go farther? be your knight in shining armor?). It's complicated and when it comes out of their mouths, rather than saying "I'm really hurt by X" or "I'm having a hard time dealing with Y" some dudes come out with anger and deflection... which just encourages us to not want to be around them, which I guess feeds the cycle.
And they say women are complicated... ;)
*snort* I think so too... whenever there's a post about riding with hubbies, our stories are the same. Cracks me up. Also, makes me feel better that others have gone through it.Quote:
Originally Posted by TrekTheKaty
I was out with DH tonight and we were on a route that he has ridden, but was new to me. 10 miles into it, another rider passes us. DH takes off like he's going to chase him down, leaving me in his dust, totally forgetting that I have no idea where I am on this route!! I actually slowed down, went into an easy gear and just waited. Couple minutes later, here he comes... "so sorry" "don't know what I was thinking, I couldn't catch that dude". LOL -- it's just who he is. I'm just thankful that I have matured enough as a rider to let it go and not cry anymore.
I still cry when my DH takes off on me, even when we are just riding our normal routes! I don't know why I have this reaction, since I am not one to cry easily. We ride together most of the time (well, all of the time) and he gets his faster rides in on his commute. I am not *that* slow and he doesn't really care that much anymore. When we do very hilly rides, which is often, we both go slower than we need to, so our old bodies can recover quickly.
Last week, he took off on me twice. Once was on our regular loop. We were riding fast for me, I was fine until we got to a series of little hills. He took off without telling me. I rode as fast as I could, perhaps setting a speed record for me in this spot. But I was pissed. Then, he had to stop to take a phone call. As I passed him, I said a few choice words and continued home.
The second time was Saturday. We were on a group ride with a huge range of abilities. There was one stretch near the end, where the leader said to go ahead, if we wanted to, and we would all meet up at a certain spot. Well, we decided to go ahead, but we were not quite with the 3 or 4 really fast guys. I was going very fast for me to keep up (20-23) on the flats when the road ticked up. I could not keep up on the climb and he took off. Now, I am a good climber, but after a couple of miles at those speeds, I had to slow down. It was hot and I was crying before I knew it. One woman from the slower group caught me and asked if I was OK (I was going about 12 by then), which really got me even more angry.
When I got to the stopping place, I called him an a$$hole in front of the other guys who were kind of stunned. My DH is not an a$$hole by any means, but I figure if we are riding together, we are together. I guess it's kind of stupid, since most people think we are "sickening" in the amount of time we spend together. Most of it, was being upset over my crash that had happened earlier in the ride. Some of it is I don't like the feeling of being "alone" out on the road, especially in an unfamiliar place. I do ride alone, but less and less as the years go by. And yea, i do not like the feeling of being the one that is slower. I know he is stronger and always will be, and I don't have the will to train the way I would need to get any stronger than I am.
Apologies to the OP as this is probably thread drift... So, there it is. Most people that ride a bike are competitive. No one wants to be the slow one. No one wants to be dropped. We want to keep up with our friends and significant others that we are riding with. That feels good. Being the slow poke that's always far behind others feels bad... especially if you are the slow poke AND you are suffering. It's just that simple.
We do have choices, though. We can get our heads in a good place where getting dropped doesn't hurt -OR- train hard enough to get better -OR- ride alone -OR- find someone to ride with who is at our skill level. But getting mad at the people that ride better than us isn't really a great choice -- it's choosing to be frustrated and blaming our frustration on someone else. I know, 'cause I almost gave up on riding using the excuse that DH was leaving me all the time. It wasn't his problem, it was my frustration at being a slow poke,
From OP perspective, sounds like DH is stuck in that place many of us are or were -- just mad and maybe not even knowing why, but probably because he is getting "beat" by DW.
I do ride with someone that is slower than me, for most of the rides I don't do with DH. Frankly, I have found it hard to find people who ride at my speed. It's not slow and apparently, it's not fast, either. I also have found one group I am "good" with. But deep down, I like riding with these people because most of them are slower than me! I get compliments from the guys and I can climb with the best of that group.
I don't like competition, but I guess there is a part of me that is competitive. DH keeps me on my toes and forces me to do a faster ride every so often, but the thrill of that has worn off. Getting dropped will always piss me off, so I choose to ride with people where the chances of that are not huge. Like I said, 99% of the time DH and i are riding together and we really are together.
There have been the odd times here and there when happen (which is not often), I have lashed out in frustration at him only because I was exhausted, hot and these rare situations if it happens, are on near-all day rides. The best situation under these circumstances that he rides ahead --often half km. ahead. It gives me headspace to suffer while I chug along to simmer down.Quote:
Originally Posted by Crankin
Though I do cycle alot alone on my rides during the week at this time because of our different schedules, I miss him when he is out of town for a few days. It's the knowledge he's not around when I come home.
We have lost each other occasionally in areas I was not familiar with at all. Usually under an hr.
Over the years, he has done a ton of cycling on his own for long distance trips, etc., so we've been very fortunate that our cycling couple style works...usually he's way ahead of me. :o But it doesn't bother me as long as I don't lose sight of him for long, particularily in strange places.
He read some of this thread about some of the member's DHs and was vaguely amused at the innate "competitive" nature of some. He has enjoyed riding strong with at least 1 other guy..but by nature, he's a friendly cycling hermit alot of the times on the road. He's not one of your guys dressed in a cycling kit cycling in regularily in packs. It has never been his cycling nature.
But he is competitive...on several fronts...more to benefit cycling for everyone.
Initially riding with the BF was just an exercise in frustration - I was just not in good enough cardiovascular shape, and I really hadn't been on a bike in years... and I had never really ridden geared bikes enough to really understand what I was supposed to do with them and strategies for hills... Then the bike was uncomfortable or didn't fit for X numbers of reasons... So dealing with that and not being able to keep up, and his commentary wasn't really helping. We were both fairly out of shape because he'd broken his leg, the bone got infected, he needed muscle, bone, and skin grafts, etc. and so this simple leg break took at least 2 years to heal - and I was writing my thesis anyways, and we'd done a lot of kayaking since he couldn't really get around on the leg... Kayaking's not really cardiovascular. He was frustrated because I was in worse shape than he was and he was the one with the broken leg, a constant refrain was "I'm the guy with the broken leg & missing half his calf muscle - you have 2 good legs, so why can't you keep up?". But he was in way better shape to start with, he'd done a lot more riding in general than me, and sorta just could spin his way up anything.
I'll confess to have gotten really grumpy on the bike when I'm having a problem keeping up, or if I hear comments about it. "Well, we were going to do this, but since you're riding too slow" something to that extent will possibly send me through the roof - especially if I think I'm riding hard and I'm struggling. Or if I stop to adjust something on my bike and I get a comment about how there's always something wrong with my bike and I should just realize it's me and not the bike... Which, I'll admit, I did spend a lot of time switching things in and out last year till I got my bikes just how I like them... but in general, I really don't complain about my bikes lately. I may stop to adjust the seat level or turn my brakes on if I've forgotten to, but none of that is worth commenting on as far as I'm concerned.
My bf's gotten fairly good at calling a break and forcing me to eat some caffeinated cliff shot blocks, if I'm getting grumpy and having a hard time keeping up - whether or not we're kayaking or biking or hiking - usually I'm getting grumpy because I'm getting close to bonking, and the shot blocks do a great job of forestalling that.
He does do the ride down side street thing if he's waiting for me - which was probably necessary last year, this year not so much... which makes me really grumpy when he goes down a side street and I follow him.. and it turns out he was just waiting for me to catch up... and I do the... BUT I WAS 5 FEET BEHIND YOU. He seems to have a bit of a blind spot directly behind him, and then assumes I must be waay behind him. This especially annoys me if we're on a downhill or an uphill or somewhere where I have to lose a lot of momentum to make that turn.
We also seem to be on different time patterns when riding... if I get on a bike, I like a 10 min flat not too fast warm up at least, and after that my legs are in good shape to go for a long time... He likes to get on a bike and go as fast as possible until his legs are dead. He lives somewhere where it's about a 5 mile ride uphill on a really busy road to get to out... and my legs are just not really to do 5 miles uphill the second I get on a bike. It usually means that it takes 20 mins or more to get my legs recovered & warmed up if I start off on a hill... And I'm competitive enough to try to give chase in the beginning of a ride, and if I do... it really just kind of blows the rest of the ride for me, it takes that long to recover. So I've gotten into letting him just go ahead in the beginning and catching him wherever he's waiting.
Once I'm warmed up, we're a bit more evenly matched - I'm finding that I over take him on hills and flats a lot more often, I can beat him on a sprint usually... and that I'm a much more consistent rider. I can ride 15 mph or so forever. His legs kinda bonk or need potassium around 2-3 hours. He ocassionally claims that he's still riding slow for me, but I'm not entirely convinced of that - because if I do pass him, he typically can't catch me until I slow down going up the next hill.
But I basically just started riding on my own last year so I didn't have to deal with the peanut gallery of comments - I am definitely not someone who does well with what he calls motivation - biking past me and saying "attack this hill for once!" when... I'm already doing what I can to get up the hill. Maybe that's what guys like to do with each other? When I first took my bike to my house saying I was going to ride on my home, he was all "Like you're really going to do that...." And he shut up quickly when I did. I still bike more than him, because he really doesn't seem to like biking on his own... no matter how much of a pain in the neck he makes biking at my pace out to be. But I biked by myself till I got a general level of fitness that I wasn't slowing him down much.
Ha! I just did the brake thing yesterday.. I felt like such an idiot when I stopped to fix it :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Catriona
I wanted to say that I appreciate all of your comments, and I don't mind a bit of thread drift :)
Anyways.... I've learned a few things from reading, and I think you all have some very good insight. I also talked to DH more yesterday, and yes, I can see how what I thought was helpful advice, definitely did seem to him from his perspective more like bragging or that I was trying to suggest he didn't know what he was doing.. even though I really wasn't trying to do either.
So we took some time to look over DH's bike, and he does have a rubbing back brake! I couldn't completely fix it though, and I think his rear wheel needs to be trued... he did not like that suggestion though, stating "I just need to loosen the brake cable and it will be fine".. oookay... I don't think I can argue him out of that though, so I dropped it (he did not however, attempt to do anything to it.) but it was a lot better after I messed with it.
Something with the trailer definitely doesn't seem quite right. I hooked it up to my bike yesterday, and it almost feels like the bike does with a brake rubbing... except that there are no brakes on the trailer and if you spin each wheel independently, they do spin freely. I don't get it. :confused: It makes it a lot harder than I think it "should" be to pull the kids though, even with my bike.. and it feels like someone is tugging on the trailer at a very regular interval.. and you feel it even going downhill and it is definitely slowing us down. So there may very well be something to that as well. I'm going to try to take a better look at it this afternoon. I don't think it's my bike... because it felt fine without the trailer on, and my brakes weren't rubbing as far as I could tell (I checked, and checked again).
A better trailer is in our future at some point (I'm still deciding what I want - taking the comfort of the kids into great consideration there, not just ease of towing) so the issues with the trailer we have may not be anything I want to tackle.. if it's getting replaced. But we'll see :)