Oh Pax, I am so sorry to read this. Sending you hugs and condolences.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pax
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Oh Pax, I am so sorry to read this. Sending you hugs and condolences.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pax
I'm so sorry Pax.
Thank you, everyone. I think I'm just kind of numb now. Once I get past the funeral on Thursday I'll take some time to breathe. She has needed me so intensely the last six years I'm not sure how to be without her.
I couldn't have said this any better than SheFly just did. Me too, Pax.Quote:
Originally Posted by SheFly
Just when you had the high.. I'm sorry Pax.
So sorry for your loss, Pax.
Pax, I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
I am sorry Pax. I felt numb when my mom died, even though she was very ill for a long time and I definitely prepared myself. I remember being in the grocery store and feeling numb. But, after the funeral, that went away. I guess that's why we have funerals. People thought I was "cold," because I wasn't hysterical and I went right back to work, but that's what my mom would have wanted. I guess what I 'm trying to say, is that everyone is different in this situation.
So sorry Pax. You have definitely been on an emotional rollercoaster lately, both the highs and the lows. I'm happy for you in that you have your dear, new wife to help and support you through this very difficult time. But your loss is great, and you will need to take your time to grieve. It took me a long, long time to feel normal after losing my dad. I am so dreading going through it again when my mom passes one day.
Seriously frustrated with our internet and phone. Of course given the lack of competition in both areas nobody really cares that half of my phone calls get dropped and the other half have such bad connection you can't hear. Dread the thought of more costs but we may have to consider the antique land line... The classic customer response seems to be "it sucks to be you"
Hahahahahaha ... when I started reading your post I was thinking the same thing and how we were thinking I wish cellular internet was less expensive so we could drop the DSL!! If you're out in the sticks like we are, landline internet is pretty much guaranteed to be way slow.
Even the fact that 4G is way quicker ought to give you an indication of the speeds we get with rural DSL ...
I know. Just managed a week with a 3G modem that had a 2gb monthly limit. now have cable, since I couldn't get DSL where I'm now living. The furniture and bike arrives tomorrow - still hoping I made the right move, but having mom 6 floors down makes a world of difference in my mind.
I hear you on this....although we have excellent internet at home, our cell phone is crappy. We have no land-line anymore as we each have our cell phone but still we can't really talk everywhere in the house as the signal is too weak in some area. Viva living rural....although we are called a city.
By the way was listening to a short video last night and it is Food for thought!
A short clip from a family who decided to live "differently" for a year.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/...board/follows/
Morgan Patey and Blair McMillan have committed to living an entire year like it's 1986 to help them unplug and spend time with their kids
Would you go back to living for a year as if we were in 1986? Which means very basic electronics, etc...
I know I could not. I could try a week (not counting work). But ipads, netflix, etc are so into our lives (for most of us) that we forget sometimes how to do things differently.
We are getting closer and closer to the 80's. neither of us likes technology very much and while it's handy at times, it has become a huge time suck. We no longer have cable or internet at home, if we need to check on something we still have iPhones for a few more months, once we get through my moms estate stuff we're going to pay the penalty and ditch the smart phones and go back to cheapie flip phones.
I know part of it for me was being on-call 24-7 with my mom for over six years, now that my time is my own again I keep my phone shut off much of the time; the feeling of being unavailable is priceless. It is taking time for my friends to learn to contact me in advance if they want to do something since I may not check my phone for hours (if at all) that day.
Sometimes I wished we could disconnect from today's reality. Technology is great. No doubt about it. If it was not for internet, I would never have found some great discussion boards and met in person dozens and dozens of people across Canada and USA and made true valuable friendship.
But like you say Pax it is taking precious time away for things we could do.
Yesterday at lunch time, we had a work lunch and learn and it was on ergonomy at work, but a huge part was how our bodies are changing, no thanks though, to the technology. We are no longer looking ahead but down (putting pressure on our muscles who are not used/made to be in x position). The arrival of laptops and then tablets, iPhones (and the likes) are not good on our bodies. Long-term issues are to be found if we do not sit properly, move more (being a bike forum we know we move enough - or at least more than rest of population hihi). But it is a huge eye-opener on why we are going through some physical/mental issues and children even worst. Life is in the fast lane...but not necessarily the right one. At least too often.
I read an article 2 days ago where in the very near future (at least for Canada) that you won't be able to find a flip phone. Only those "intelligent" phones will become available. Just like CD/DVD/blue rays' are bound to be discontinued at home, vehicules, etc. So I would not ditch my iphone too quickly!!! Maybe just get a basic service. No need to put the internet on it. I have a basic phone (hubby has the iphone) and I don't need an iphone. I have a $10/month fee and charged by the minute but mine is rarely used. I keep accumulating those $$ as they are pushed month to month. What can be soooo urgent (in my life anyway) that I need to be reached 24/7/365. They can wait until I get home. We did not have cell phones when I was younger (ishhhh that makes me feel old) and no internet and we made it. And we had peace in the evening. Had time to enjoy other things: play monopoly or battleship.... or cuddle more with boyfriend. haha So yep...I think I could slow down on technology. Now....convincing hubby is another thing.
We'll go with Consumer Cellular, they used to be the old folks cell phone company so they have flip phones, but have recently added smart phones to their line up.
Totally hear about about ergonomics as well, our laptop died a few months ago and in that same effort to have "less" we replaced it with a tablet. After owning/using it for about a week I developed an endless stiff neck and cramping left shoulder; finally figured out it was holding the tablet! Now I use it on a stand on the counter on the rare occasions I need to use it.
I see the students here on campus always looking down at their phones, I wonder if their generation is going to suffer long term neck damage?
We switched from the local phone company internet service to our cable company internet service to try to improve our cell phones - we are positioned at the bottom of the broadcast from the closest cell phone tower and have a concrete wall to contend with... I also installed an "extender/expander" that is supposed to act as a mini cell phone tower in our house but the DH's new phone seems to want to override that and try to stay on 4G instead of the 3g offered by the mini tower - what a cluster. The cable company internet will just suddenly stop - I know it is the company service and not something in our system (from facebook comments :) ) ugh. Yes technology rules. Very embarrassing when someone calls our toll free number and the connection is so bad we can't talk. Makes me long for the days of the At&t fight decades ago.
Sky king, we keep TWO land line for our businesses - one for me, one for DH. The cell coverage here at the house is terrible. We only recently got rid of the fax,line and went to E-faxing. DH has one client who insists on faxing lab reports. For rural, satellite internet is really big around here but it's not terribly reliable or fast.
When we were house hinting two years ago, almost very house we liked was on satellite, which was a deal breaker. DH needs reliable high speed internet for his work.
Dear Condo owner,
You seriously thought adding something like "There is evidence of physical settling but the HOA pumped the foundationto prevent any further issues, inspections welcome." to the listing AFTER it's been on the market for six months is okay??
We'll still take a look when we're down in FL in a couple of weeks, but that was a HUGE red flag for us.
Sincerely,
Very cautious condo buyers
Dear Sister - I love you, but why did you marry some guy you've known for 2 months and are totally ignoring your own daughter who is having her first marriage in two weeks? Couldn't you have waited a couple of weeks so you could be with your daughter? Also, you let him move in his son, girlfriend, two babies, two dogs and goats. You are acting totally unlike yourself and what is up with that? Also why did I have to almost make you tell me that there was this entire menagerie in your little house? I am trying to withhold judgement until I finally meet this man, but something smells very wrong. Hopefully that is just my protective instincts coming out since I've not yet met the man.
Love,
Your concerned oldest sister.
Something indeed sounds wrong, Catrin.
very wrong. she may be undergoing a crisis of some sort, but if she hasn't acted out like this before, I'd consult a psychologist first and foremost. if she's in a disturbed mental state, you can't expect the kind of answers you want from her :/
Oh, Catrin, that doesn't sound right at all. So hard to let go when it's a sibling. Are you close to your niece?
The rest of the story is our mom died in September, and the sister in question and her were tied at the hip in a very dysfunctional relationship for many years. My sister's personality has always been on the rigid side and very controlled. Our mom was, I will just say that she was ill and leave it at that. So she met this guy on a Christian dating site a couple of months after Mom passed, and while I don't care WHERE she met him, things went very fast. I mean the happiest married couple I know started out as a mail order bride advertisement from eastern Europe 30+ years ago! THEY took much longer to tie the knot however, they took time with each other.
So I am hearing from both niece and my baby sister. My youngest sister is flying out to help my niece with her wedding, I wish that I could afford to do that but it is good that one of her aunts is with her. My youngest sister, who has a hot temper, has already gone off on the sister in question and told her exactly what she thinks of the marriage and of her treatment of her daughter. I am trying very hard not to do that as it isn't productive, and I've not actually met anyone yet. So, as of now, I will be staying with my sister and her menagerie and new family for two nights. I want to go into the situation with as open a mind as possible. I was the rebellious/trouble-maker/self-destructive one back in the day and I know how easy it can be for the wrong type of person to take advantage of someone when that person is vulnerable - which is what I am concerned has happened to her. Back in the day I had an invisible sign on my back that said "all sociopaths apply here", so I know how things can go.
I will be traveling down in two weeks, and having lunch with my niece and other sister before I see her and meet this new family. I want to be able to look at the situation objectively - it may simply be that this quirky man she has married really IS the right guy for her, but I've concerns. Not that I can do anything about them.
Thanks for the thoughtful responses, and if anyone has dealt with something like this, or helpful thoughts on how best to approach this situation when I go down there please don't hesitate to let me know - and messages are fine if you prefer.
I really think, speaking with my professional hat on, that you are going in with the right attitude. While your *suspicions* may be right, there's nothing to be gained from rushing in and doing an "intervention," that might very well end up ruining your niece's wedding. You want to observe the whole situation in person. And although it may be just as you suspect, there may not be much you can do. If your sister was mentally incapacitated to the point of not being able to take care of herself (i.e. hygiene, daily tasks, safety) or there was a question of some kind of abuse in the home (to her, or to a child or elder), or substance abuse, you might be able to force the issue. However, people make poor choices like this all of the time and there's not really much you can do to stop it, except to tell the person how you feel, recommend therapy, and let her know that you are there for her. It sounds like she had issues before, that might not be easily solved, and if I were you, I would focus on making sure your niece has a nice wedding!
And, just to re-iterate something I've said before, I met my DH on 6/27, we moved in together on 8/1, got engaged on 8/28, and married on 12/8. Thirty four and a half years later, we're still married and happy. DH's family tried to tell him there was something evil about me, something so bad, that he would eventually find out, or I would leave him, because I was from a "high class" family. So, you never know.
Crankin - thanks for your thoughts on this, it is appreciated. I am really looking forward to seeing my niece get married :) I've met her young man and I really like him!
Dear So and So... You started out fantastic. You were funny and loving and silly. And then at some point, you just shifted into this other person. Totally different.
So, it didn't work out. I tried my best but there are things I just won't allow into my life again. Negativity and psychological mind **cking isn't allowed. Picking a fight every time I saw you and then blaming me for it isn't allowed. Making me feel bad and like I owe you something isn't allowed. Pushing me to move too quickly and then being offended when I say I'm not ready to move in with you after only 1.5 mo of dating isn't allowed. Being a total prick over every thing isn't allowed. Pushing my buttons daily and then telling me I have some kind of mental condition... not allowed. Then when I find out that my Mom's cancer came back,I fell apart and barely held it together enough to go to work and then you attacked my family and called them names... Really not **cking allowed. :mad:
I was going to dump you but you beat me to it when you felt like I wasn't paying enough attention to you and you texted me to take care of my family sh!t and then call you sometime... the day I found out the biopsy results that it is stage 4. I gladly walked away from you and your bull$h!t. I had a drink or three and was relieved. I tried to be decent to you in spite of the total change that came over you during that short relationship. I simply asked you to leave me alone. No texts, no calls, no emails... you kept bugging me. Over and over and over and over... So, I nicely asked your friends to talk to you. You got aggressive with them too and they walked. Some never to return. I put you on the block list for my phone. Yesterday, out of the blue, you emailed me again. You are now pushing your luck with my nice side. I've moved on and I'm happy. Get over it and move along. There is nothing here for you ever again. Respect that. There is no option on that.
Dear So and So, congratulations for finally finding yourself and realizing that you are worthy and a decent person and you deserve real love and a tender relationship. You had a pretty rocky time of it over the years. Losing Dad at a young age, getting killed yourself only few years after that (and brought back), then losing THE ONE that made you look at life with new eyes - to a drunk driver, to crawling back into your hole thinking you must have deserved that somehow and just taking what came and settling for way too long, to meeting someone who mentored you and made you realize that you are okay the way you were born, to falling for the wrong one on so many levels but still trying to make it work in spite of knowing better, to getting your heart ripped out so viciously by that person, to almost finding yourself but then getting sidetracked by someone who turned out to be a negative vortex, to NOW. To putting your foot down and saying... no more. I deserve better and I won't settle for less, I deserve to be loved, to love someone fully without reservation or regret or the threat of hurt...because you just figured out that only you can hurt you. And you choose instead to nurture and love yourself no matter what. So here we are, us, we... me. Just me. Figuring out that "just me" is perfectly okay just the way I am. I can't wait to see what happens from here. The hopeless romantic in me will make more mistakes and the intelligent introspective adult will learn from those mistakes and keep evolving. Because, I'm a work in progress and I'm bound to just keep getting better and better. :cool:
Aw, X, I'm so sorry that the person who seemed so promising at first turned so sour for you. :( That stinks. Good for you for taking care of yourself, though. Wishing you all happiness, and that it comes to you very soon.
And take out a restraining order if he harasses or stalks you. Be careful -- he sounds volatile.
X - be cautious!!!!
My trip home to my nieces wedding was very nice. Very simple backyard wedding, and our wine glasses the night before the wedding were mason jars :D
I am no longer concerned about my sister's husband. He is a good old country boy who isn't quite right - but that doesn't make him dangerous. Some would probably say that about me ;) I do think he "enhanced" the nature of his previous employment to impress my sister and is now stuck, not knowing how to own up to it as things moved so quickly. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened in the world of relationships. From his perspective he is in heaven as he WAS living in a camper on the side of a mountain with intermittent electricity.
I AM concerned about my sister, her behavior is very concerning. I don't really think he is the cause of that, neither does our other sister now we've had a chance to observe things for a few days. Nothing we can do about this however but to be supportive and see what happens. If I could have gotten her alone for a talk I might have asked about some of the strangeness, but that proved impossible and might have been for the best. Things are as they are, and there is nothing I can really do about it. She appears to be happy, regardless of her unusual behavior, and is once again in a situation where she must take care of someone with multiple health problems. That seems to be her comfort zone after taking care of our mom for so many years. It is what it is.
Repetition compulsion. It's hard not be compelled to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over, usually in relation to being the "rescuer" of someone who is struggling, or has some kind of emotional/physical health issues. Sometimes, jokingly named the "bad boy" syndrome. Like, when someone can't stay away from bad boy types.
Common in trauma survivors.
Thanks Crankin, I've been thinking the same thing - I had some personal experience with this back in the day (I liked the bad boys). The man is missing a foot and has had several organs transplanted, and she is a nurse, so 6 months after our mom passed she is back in the "care giver" mode. She does appear very happy with everything so I am not about to rain on her parade without being asked/without evidence of abuse.Quote:
Originally Posted by Crankin
Thanks for your concern. :) She has serious mental issues that she needs to address. The mental games she played with me after the first few weeks was just unbelievable. After talking to a counselor and friends, I came to my senses and realized that she was really messing with me. The fact that she dumped me on the day my Mom's biopsy results came back because I couldn't give her my full attention, just reassures me that I made the right decision to walk away. She just happened to say it first. I'm okay and I have plenty of support here and outside of the area. Thanks.
As for your sister, she's a big girl. You can't show her a path that she isn't prepared to take yet. And what makes you think she isn't happy just because she took on a responsibility for another human being that you maybe wouldn't have? The nurse in her says this is right, the woman in her told her this is right, the human in her told her this is right. It may be right "right now" or "forever". No way to know. She is getting something out of it. He is too. As long as both agree that it works, just allow them to be happy. Not everyone who lives the way he was is a bad person. Most aren't. They just have had no one to be there when they needed it the most. I think whatever this guy went through, he still kept a roof over his head and in doing so, also kept a bit of his dignity. Allow him the rest and the bounce back now by giving him a bit of respect and encouragement. Don't look down on him, help raise him up. You seem to be on this path in your heart, now turn it into action. There are tons of people out there who just need someone to believe in them again and they will soar. :cool:
Agreed Xrayted - and that is what I was actually trying to say. I was far more concerned about HIM before I actually met the man. Time will tell, but I am no longer concerned about him at this point. Everyone was concerned about him taking advantage of her, but I don't THINK that is what is happening. I am more concerned about her uncharacteristic behavior that has everyone scratching their heads, but she has had major changes in the past 6 months. She has chosen her path, and I hope that she has finally found a good path for her, she has had two horrible marriages. I don't live close, so I am not around from day to day.
Ooops, sorry -- I assumed "he" and may have missed your saying "she" in your post. Not that it matters, though I tend to think obsessive and/or mentally unstable men are a bit more likely to get violent/dangerous than obsessive women. Maybe just a stereotype, though!Quote:
Originally Posted by Xrayted
Emily, there is no apology needed. I'm not offended. There is no reason to be. But I do agree, that men do tend to get the reputation of being more violent than women. I think because women go for the kill on emotions rather than physically. That can last much longer and be a much deeper pain in many ways. I've seen men destroyed forever by one bad woman in their lives over and over. I always wonder why people treat each other like that instead of just leaving and saying goodbye. ???
Okay, it's time to move forward and try to do what I actually moved to the PNW to do, live my life as I choose. Not dependent on anyone else's agenda or needs. Just mine for once. So.... I just applied at a Seattle area hospital for a job. I really like the UW system and it fits the type of place I've already been at for the last 7 years.
They even have the same retirement and I can add them together to keep building my current one. I really hope this happens. I really, really, really, really hope this happens. It's about time I get to live where I really wanted to for so long. I held back so that my ex could finish her own things. I've pieced my life back together after the devastation she left in her wake. She was thorough in her devastation but I can figure anything out and make it happen if I just put my mind to it. It's what I'm known for, the creative path to make it work.
Here I go... time to restart my life and take it in the direction that I want. As much as I give to others and help others, I've finally graduated to the place inside that says it's okay to give to and help me now. :cool:
Sounds like we're in the same position at the moment. I really hope the worst is past you now and that good things await on all fronts :)
Good luck with that job!
Good luck X! Hope you get the job, finger crossed.