George Carlin's New Rules
New Rule: - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmatescom! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn
New Rule: - Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar What
did you expect it to contain? Salmon?
New Rule: - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged I have a better description
for these kids: - lucky bastards
New Rule: - If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men
New Rule: - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: - do you have two of them? Okay, we're done
New Rule: - There's no such thing as flavored water There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery
taste Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt That's your
flavored water
New Rule: - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
******* If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a flaming *******
New Rule: - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy
New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual It's right above the crack of your ***
And it translates to "beef with broccoli" The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant
You're not spiritual, you're just high
New Rule: - I don't need a bigger mega M&M If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two
New Rule: - If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie
New Rule: - No more gift registries You know, it used to be just for
weddings Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting
New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroom attendants
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish I don't want to be on your
webcam, dude I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months "27 Months" "He's two," will do just fine He's not a
cheese And I didn't really care in the first place
