Arranging a funeral for someone nobody liked

Harsh words, I guess, but pretty much the reality. Because of a convoluted relationship to my own family, I am helping to arrange the funeral of an opinionated bitter old woman who died a few days ago, leaving a swathe of lawsuits, nasty letters and insulted and hurt people in her wake. Family, neighbours, colleagues, the local bus driver, the lot.

I'm a little at a loss as to how to handle this. On one hand we are having trouble finding people who remember her in a positive way, or even want to come, on the other hand she once was "just" a strongwilled (and handsome! no other word that fits) woman who married, had a child, was an excellent teacher, and must have had a lot of good sides and people who cared for her. I only met her a few times when I was a teenager. But 30 years later things have changed a lot.

So I find myself debating what a funeral is supposed to be, and how honest. Even though few people, if any feel sad about losing her, there's still the sadness of the loss of a human being, and the stark tragedy to me of wasting a life that way. How infinitely sad to not be missed by anyone when you die :(

Anyway. I don't really have anything to ask, but if anyone has any ideas or insight feel free to comment.

Cremation and no memorial service?

From John Donne

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Is there a minister/pastor/rabbi/etc you could consult with? They've probably encountered this situation before, or at least one where the deceased has no family, so they could probably advise on how to handle it.

Lots of people do not have funerals. Why would you go through the trouble if this woman is as you describe her? Have her clergy of choice pray for her, give her a mass, and dispose of the body however the family wants.

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Originally Posted by Biciclista

Lots of people do not have funerals.

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True.
i don't want one. Do you know if she did?

That's a good point, and if we had thought of it earlier that might have been a good solution. The problem is not that people are indifferent to her and don't care, rather that she is leaving behind upset people with a troubled relationship to her, especially family. I think they all feel they should "do the right thing" and this is their last chance. I can understand that, the feeling of wanting to end the relationship on a decent, dignified note, no matter the earlier ugliness. Ah well, there will be a short non-religious service of some sort and cremation.

FWIW, last year my aunt died. For the last few years of her life, she was literally a different person than she had been previously, due to a post-surgical stroke and other physical issues. Her personality changed completely and she required a lot of care from her family.

For the wake, her children put together several collages of photos of her with family and friendsduring the course of her life. They included photos of holidays, vacations, her wedding, pictures showing her as a young mother, etc. Looking at them reminded me of the person she was for most of her life. During a brief service held by a deacon from her church during the second day of the wake, the deacon encouraged us to remember special times with her and share them with the group. The whole experience really brought back the aunt I grew up with, so I can more clearly remember her instead of the person she was during the last few difficult years.

So it might help to try to encourage people to think back and remember this woman from earlier in her life, as a wife, mother, teacher, etc. Perhaps the person who officiates the service could help with that.

That was an excellent and thoughful idea nybiker, thanks.

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Originally Posted by ny biker

So it might help to try to encourage people to think back and remember this woman from earlier in her life, as a wife, mother, teacher, etc. Perhaps the person who officiates the service could help with that.

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Would agree whole-heartedly with this. It can be kept simple too.

"A Very Fine Funeral" by Eddie from Ohio

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Originally Posted by Muirenn

Agree with NY Biker and Shooting Star.

And let's remember the service is more for the living than the dead.

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+1.

We had a similar situation in my family a few years ago, where everyone had conflicting feelings about the deceased, going all the way back to childhood.

There was no viewing -- just a family-only pizza dinner the night before, where some people who hadn't seen each other in decades got to reconnect after some divisiveness the deceased had sown. Some family members met each other for the first time.

The service was simple. Lots of pictures, like ny biker's example. Immediate family sat in front, priest took care of the rest. No one else got up to speak, it was enough to mingle and hug and heal and break bread afterwards, and update contact information. I like to think that even with everyone's complicated feelings, people were able to move forward.

Thanks for your thoughts here. My father, who knew her well at one point, will be speaking, probably no-one else. I'll suggest that he find some photos from her earlier years, and some music that she liked. I think the funeral can be a "good one" if it gives people a chance to see that she was a more complete person than the one they met, connect with others who have their stories, and maybe forgive her and let past conflicts go. The balance here is between respect for the dead but also respect for the living. And I agree that a funeral is mainly for the living.

She was a Humanist btw, in IHEU, so no minister.

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Originally Posted by NbyNW

+1.

We had a similar situation in my family a few years ago, where everyone had conflicting feelings about the deceased, going all the way back to childhood.

There was no viewing -- just a family-only pizza dinner the night before, where some people who hadn't seen each other in decades got to reconnect after some divisiveness the deceased had sown. Some family members met each other for the first time.

The service was simple. Lots of pictures, like ny biker's example. Immediate family sat in front, priest took care of the rest. No one else got up to speak, it was enough to mingle and hug and heal and break bread afterwards, and update contact information. I like to think that even with everyone's complicated feelings, people were able to move forward.

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Sounds like there was a positive turn at the end of a negative life. Perhaps this will be the same in your case, too, lph