Does anyone every feel this way????

I have a race on Sunday, my first off road tri of the season. I have worked really hard to get ready, and I am ready to go.

I have a couple of friends that wanted to come watch the race and cheer me on...and here is the weird part, I do not want them to. Sounds weird, I know.

I just want to go and race and do my thing. I sort of feel like if they come it will be a bigger deal and I want to just hunker down and do it.

I have gone to races solo, I have had friends come to some, I am ok with both, but for some reason this time, I am feeling sorta private about the whole thing.

One of the women got upset and I tried to explain it is my issue, not her and just what I feel I need to do. She did not get it. Oy.

DH is coming, I feel good about that, just not wanting a crowd.

Does that make any sense ???

sure it does. I feel that way lately, but for different reasons. I'm rather slow now (much slower than a few years ago) and I wouldn't want anyone to see me not in my top form. Strangers are OK- people I know not so much. I don't need judgement- whether it's favorable or not. I feel like I have to be "on" if people come out specifically to watch me race and I can't just do my thing anonymously.

Some races are about proving something to yourself and doing something for yourself. Is it selfish? Yes, but who cares. ;) You obviously can't stop them from coming if they truly want to, and when the time comes if they do you'll adapt and overcome.

I think this feeling comes and goes. Some races I go to, I envy people who have cheering squads and people to call out their name, or even friends to put their bikes next to in transition who cheer each other on as they race, or friends who put aside obligations to hang out and see you maybe 2 or 3 times over the course of a few hours (or entire day). Other races, I want to go out, be nowhere near anyone I know, be anonymous, and race for me. I have a better time because I can let go of the assumptions, expectations, and caring at all what other people think, even on a "be obligated to smile" level. That sounds kind of harsh when I say it out loud, but it's the truth. ;)

I prefer to race alone (I do sprint Du's)- though DH and maybe kids will come watch one race. I've often thought about why I prefer this- is it my fears? Others expectations? But I've stopped ruminating and just accepted it. My family when they do come see me for such a brief period of time- I often wonder if it is worth it for them?

If my friends wanted to come..I suppose I would not stop them - they are my friends and likely would have been a support somewhere along the line - and perhaps if they weren't athletically inclined, the exposure might influence them....

I think it is a tough call; I'm sure you'll make the right one for you.

Yes. For the four tris I've done, I have felt that way. It has something to do with being able to turn inwards and focus, without distractions. Happy to see folks after, but not before and I don't even care about during.

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I was judging myself very harshly over feeling this way. You have made me feel better.

I am not crazy!!!! Well, maybe a little nuts.....:p

No, Rock, don't judge yourself. You have put a lot of work into this and it's a personal thing. It's great that you have the support but if they really support you, they will respect your wishes. I don't think it's selfish at all. It's nice having your own cheering section but when I'm suffering and pushing myself, I really want to be left alone in my own little zone. Everyone is different.

I don't race but there are other things that I do that I don't want company. One of the reasons is because I want to be completely selfish about what I'm doing, and I don't want to coordinate with anyone else's schedule, and I don't want to have to take care of anyone else's emotions while I'm dealing with my own. I want to be able to focus on me and my issues. I don't need any interaction that probably would distract me from my focus. A supportive helper that is there to meet my needs, I'll take that sometimes. Someone who is thinking about where we're going to eat after, or tell me how they didn't like the porta-potties, not so much. I'm just protecting my emotional space.

Some people don't feel this sort of empathy or can block it out. When I need to be alone, I can't do it in my room. I have to get away from anyone else that I care about, because I can "feel" them in the house, am afraid the whole time they will interrupt my thoughts, or whatever. Sometimes I need the connection to be broken.

Karen

I get it. Totally. For me, it's because the races I do are personal challenges to myself that have nothing to do with anyone else. It's like it's my fight to fight, you know? And I don't really want anyone watching or cheering or making the experience something it's not. Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes. :)