Moral support

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10-14-2009, 03:26 PM
e.e.cummings

Moral support

Since I started getting back into cycling, trading information and experiences within this forum has been such a great outlet, it is truly wonderful. I also have the same type of thing going with the girls at the gym, exchanging tips and egging each other on. I sometimes regret that I cannot go to existing close friends to share these things, but if they are not into cycling or fitness like I am, it tends to fall flat, there is little, if no, interest, which is not a huge surprise (some people are afraid you are going to start to tell them all about the bad things in their food and bore them with calorie counting). I don't go on and on about it, but if I had a friend who told me she had joined a program to get in shape, I would at least have a 'good for you' to give her. I should count myself lucky that my husband is into it and we can have a good exchange and we ride well together.

I have a really close friend who is into fitness through aerobics and other classes - she is in great shape and is very consistent in keeping it up. We have been friends for years. We email almost every day (we don't live in the same town), I give her my news, she gives me hers, we have a very warm relationship - but there has not once been so much as a 'good for you' when I launched into my fitness program at the gym, it just goes ignored. I mentioned my 200 km cycling tour, no comment. I have a nasty little theory that sometimes people have you in a mental box, they see you in a certain way, and if you go outside of that, it throws them off balance. Maybe to her I am the slightly pudgy cheerful friend, and that is the box I am in. Maybe she thinks I will change, and want to do things that don't interest her. Maybe she gets a little kick from being in better shape than me, and that kick will be gone if I am in shape too. Worse still, her husband is big into cycling - perhaps she fears her husband will pressure her to get into cycling so they can go for long rides like myself and my husband. I don't know, it is easy to imagine things when something does not make sense - when I read back over this I probably come off downright paranoid. It is just weird because she is so supportive and enthusiastic in every other way that it is sticks out like a sore thumb that she gives no recognition at all or encouragement of my efforts when I make any comment about my fitness (trust me, I don't go on and on about it). I have stopped mentioning it and it feels weird because we talk about everything. Ever experience that?

I should include that I am very lucky to have a close friend here (who is in great shape too) who roots for me and supports me all the way, and shows the kind of interest you would normally lend a close friend. She does nothing special to stay in shape! Good for her, won't begrudge her that, she's a super person.

Finally, when I planned my 200 km tour, I was so pumped by the encouragement by many of the posters here - you guys are great. It is so wonderful to feel encouraged! It can be tough when you are trying to get into shape and organize physical challenges - moral support makes a huge difference.
10-14-2009, 03:59 PM
shootingstar

Quote:

Originally Posted by e.e.cummings

I should count myself lucky that my husband is into it and we can have a good exchange and we ride well together.

I have a really close friend who is into fitness through aerobics and other classes - she is in great shape and is very consistent in keeping it up. We have been friends for years. We email almost every day (we don't live in the same town), I give her my news, she gives me hers, we have a very warm relationship - but there has not once been so much as a 'good for you' when I launched into my fitness program at the gym, it just goes ignored. .

Yes, those of us who have partners that also enjoy cycling often, know we are very lucky. Do count yourself blessed. Dearie and I aren't always encouraging each other: as you know there is often no need. Just having a loved one cycling at the same time on same route that day, is enough moral support. Besides we have a car-free life ...so cycling is deeply embedded in our lifestyle.

As for your friends, you didn't choose them originally for sharing fitness stuff did you? That's how I see certain long-term friends who aren't into cycling. Same for my family members. I occasionally send them photos of certain bike trip highlights or a video clip. I don't expect them to say 'great' or whatever. They just accept me and join me/us if we end up on a little bike ride or they accommodate me when I want to bike for exercise solo. That type of unspoken support from someone who cares about me and knows me well, is good enough for me.

However, I'm VERY lucky because my long-term friends whom i've known over 30 years...where friendships started for totally different interests..at least 90% of them now are engaged in regular exercise activity for at least past decade and also make some reasonable efforts to eat healthy. All of this on their own initiative. They live many thousands of kms. away from me.They also don't smoke. Just occurred to me, that most likely these good friends because of their individual healthy lifestyle changes..means they will be around for a long time! A warm thought for the future.

I've been cycling regularily for nearly past 17 yrs.

Then there are the friends known from cycling. Maybe over time you'll find 1-2 cycling friends. Takes time. But count your blessings for now.
10-14-2009, 05:30 PM
e.e.cummings

Yes, many existing friendships did not spawn out of cycling or fitness. I guess what I am saying about this particular relationship is I am so used to us supporting each other on some many other things, big and small, I find it a bit odd that this is the one thing there is an absolute silence on from her end. But hey, I'll live! I think I am tired today and things get to you more when you are fatigued.

I think I have the potential to make some pretty good cycling friends in my spinning class, we are already taking about potential rides. Encouraging!
10-14-2009, 06:00 PM
deeaimond

Quote:

Originally Posted by e.e.cummings

I should count myself lucky that my husband is into it and we can have a good exchange and we ride well together.

I have a really close friend who is into fitness through aerobics and other classes - she is in great shape and is very consistent in keeping it up. We have been friends for years. We email almost every day (we don't live in the same town), I give her my news, she gives me hers, we have a very warm relationship - but there has not once been so much as a 'good for you' when I launched into my fitness program at the gym, it just goes ignored. I mentioned my 200 km cycling tour, no comment. I have a nasty little theory that sometimes people have you in a mental box, they see you in a certain way, and if you go outside of that, it throws them off balance. Maybe to her I am the slightly pudgy cheerful friend, and that is the box I am in. Maybe she thinks I will change, and want to do things that don't interest her. Maybe she gets a little kick from being in better shape than me, and that kick will be gone if I am in shape too. Worse still, her husband is big into cycling - perhaps she fears her husband will pressure her to get into cycling so they can go for long rides like myself and my husband. I don't know, it is easy to imagine things when something does not make sense - when I read back over this I probably come off downright paranoid. It is just weird because she is so supportive and enthusiastic in every other way that it is sticks out like a sore thumb that she gives no recognition at all or encouragement of my efforts when I make any comment about my fitness (trust me, I don't go on and on about it). I have stopped mentioning it and it feels weird because we talk about everything. Ever experience that?

It might be two things for your friend, maybe she really does feel that way about you being into fitness and all and knows that its not a nice way to feel, so she's just trying to internalize it first and all that. maybe she needs time.
or it might just be (and i know alot of women have that fear, that cycling is inherently more dangerous than many other sports in terms of fatalities due to accidents caused by others) and she worries about it with her husband cycling and now you, a good friend, so she tries to keep quiet about it? because she doesn't want to actively 'encourage' it? (my mum is like that. my dad has begun riding too.... and much more than I and my mum hates it)

on the other hand, my good girlfriends are into fitness, but one is a gym rat and the other loves yoga, and i'm into cycling. when i mention my long distance cycling, they are just like... oh god thats so far, u're crazy, and then we all change topic. same thing I do if the gym rat looks too thin i'll tell her she's going to the gym too much and needs to tone up... we don't really 'encourage' each other per se.. maybe because the fitness goals are very personal and we don't fully understand each others preferred sport? so we choose to keep quiet about it? I'm not sure actually, ur post has set me thinking...

my bf is not into cycling at all, but he just encourages me to do anything that will stop me from turning into a tub of lard.. hahha. self interest i guess. :p
10-14-2009, 06:14 PM
e.e.cummings

You make a good point, my friend really loves her dance classes, and it jogged my memory that she mentioned she finds so many other things to be boring. So maybe she does not understand or appreciate the cycling part. As for the four month 'transition' program that I signed up for where I am followed by a nutritionist and trainer, perhaps she thinks that I will be another gym 'victim' - go for a couple of months and then drop it. My husband thought that before I signed up, but now he is really behind me because he sees I am serious about it. Who knows? She probably wonders why I cannot simply take a dance class and get into shape in a way she likes and appreciates.
10-14-2009, 06:18 PM
e.e.cummings

You made me think of one other thing - when I wrote to my friend telling her a few weeks ago that my husband had done the 200km trail, her reaction was 'that's wonderful - what a great trip, etc.'. When I told her that I did it - nothing.
10-14-2009, 06:19 PM
ny biker

Instead of making up theories, why not just talk to her about it?
10-14-2009, 06:30 PM
e.e.cummings

nybiker - I don't think she will be open about it if I ask her directly, I know her well enough for that, she'll feel put on the spot. I will find a diplomatic way to approach it. But at the end of the day, she has the right to be interested or not interested, c'est la vie...
10-14-2009, 06:33 PM
deeaimond

maybe because there is fear that when the issue is raised, one might lose the friendship... but that said.. maybe ask her?

Cummings, Dance is like.. a 'girly' thing, and cycling is such an 'endurance' thing, maybe she's jealous? that its not her thing. My yoga friend tells me that sometimes. 'wahhh, i could never do that.. u're so tough...' (oh and shes genuine about it... its not sarcastic) but some people cannot bring themselves to say that about others...
10-14-2009, 06:40 PM
e.e.cummings

deeiamond, I had the exact same thought about the 'girly' thing - I cannot imagine my friend slugging away on a long cycle journey (or even a short one), and maybe she thinks I am 'butch' for doing it, which I know she will never say to my face. But you know what, that's okay, I appreciate our differences. She was in a dance recital and I was very supportive of her - would I do it - no, I have two left feet. But we don't have to have the exact same interests to be friends in my book.
10-14-2009, 06:59 PM
deeaimond

Quote:

Originally Posted by e.e.cummings

deeiamond, I had the exact same thought about the 'girly' thing - I cannot imagine my friend slugging away on a long cycle journey (or even a short one), and maybe she thinks I am 'butch' for doing it, which I know she will never say to my face. But you know what, that's okay, I appreciate our differences. She was in a dance recital and I was very supportive of her - would I do it - no, I have two left feet. But we don't have to have the exact same interests to be friends in my book.

yup! I actually don't have any female friends who cycle, none i met through cycling, none of my existing friends will even ride and consider me crazy. but they're still really good friends :D Even if your friend can't bring herself to encourage you, you should keep it up and one day she might reciprocate, but even if she does not, at least you know u always let her know you were encouraging her! :D there are many other things to talk about anyways.

hope u have a good day/night wherever u are. i'm off to work now, gonna extend my commute today from 2.5km to 10km. in the morning sun! aiee... but i need to lose the 9lbs.

cheers!!
10-15-2009, 03:35 AM
Crankin

Well, one of my non cycling friends appreciates what I do and will ask about stuff, but the other, ah, she acts pretty much the same way as your friend, e.e. When I was a gym rat, it was "OK," that was what women do... when son and DH began riding that was OK, too.
The best way to explain it is that on Labor Day, I had a party. This friend spent about a half hour, cornering our cycling friends and asking really specific questions about the ins and outs of what they did on their cycling tour, how it's run, etc. She even was asking about a trip the 4 of us did a couple of years ago! She never asked me any of these things, or I have told her some of this stuff and she acted like she knew nothing about it. I have given up trying to talk about cycling with these people. On the other hand, I have "converted" another of our mutual friends from this group. She is addicted! She'll never ride the amount that we do, since her spouse does not like it that much, but for someone who said she would never ride over 15 miles or clip in, she's doing both.
My DH constantly says, "I don't know what we would do if we hadn't found ___ and ___" (our cycling friends).
10-15-2009, 06:51 AM
tulip

You can't make people be interested in stuff. You cannot control what they do and say. You can only control your own actions, reactions and responses. So focus on that and I bet it won't be so frustrating for you.