Improving my mental game

I have a confession to make. I have a paralyzing fear of success. When I applied for my current job I had ZERO hope of actually getting it. I enter barrel races planning to lose. It sucks, and I hate it, and I want it stop. I beat myself up so much!

On my ride home from work the other day a girl pulled onto the road I was traveling on a little bit ahead of me. I was gaining on her, and close to hugging her wheel. For a moment it looked like I was going to pass her. Yeah me! Then the negativity started and I convinced myself that she was better warmed up than me, stronger than me, and overall going to drop my butt. Big surprise, she did. Then I spent two miles into a headwind uphill wanting to die, alone.

This needs to stop, sooner than later. I entered a TT on Sunday because whether or not I'm ready I just need to get that first scary race over with! I have promised myself that this race is about me, and me only. I have a goal and I just need to achieve it.

The fact that I need to realize is I am infinitely braver than oh, 99% of the world for putting myself out there and trying. My family won't care that I came in dead last. My mom still brags that I rode bulls even though I've never covered one (rode the full 8 seconds). I'll still have a story to tell, and that's what matters.

So how do I remember this the first, second, and tenth time I get passed? My goal is 1 hour for the 16.5 mile course. It involves a fair bit of climbing, a lot of stuff I get to mob at 30+ and a good 3 miles of false flat into a headwind at the finish. I know these roads inside and out. I've ridden them a million times so that much is giving me confidence.

I have a few bible verses that I hold close to my heart, the biggest being 1 Corinthians 9:24 "Don't you realize that everyone who runs in a race runs to win, but only one runner gets the prize? Run like them, so that you can win," and Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

I just know I'm my own worst enemy. So, so sad. I just feel like there's so much more potential inside me in so many aspects of my life that I talk myself out of.

Oh, and while we're on the subject. My dearest coworker's advice was to not stop pedaling, even if I puke. I realized after that I have this strange compulsion to stop pedaling if I'm going fast. Not spun out mind you, just at a minimum, over 20mph. So I tried to stop this menace the other day and WOW was that hard! I swear quitting tobacco was easier! It's not that I'm tired and can't spin, I just, just, feel pulled by some force. This is not a TT worthy attribute, how do I shake it?

My triathlon coach sent me this link just yesterday and it rang all kinds of bells for me. She sent it a few days after I told her that I'd just made myself do a hill I'd been scared of doing for quite awhile, even though I was pretty sure I could do it. I felt like a serious jerk for having waited so long to tackle it, although I am certainly glad I finally did it.

I think people will either really like this post or really hate it. I really liked it. Someone else told me the same thing when a decade-long job ended: Be fearless. I try to remember it often.

http://elizabethfedofsky.blogspot.co...ghty-word.html

Salsa - thanks for the link! That was an awesome blog post that certainly rang bells for me as well.

Smurf - read the blog post. For me, it really is about positive self-talk. In a race situation, I will often talk to myself out loud - things like "C'Mon - you can do this" "You're almost there - just a bit harder" and "Don't quit now". I also have to answer to my DH, and that often keeps me motivated as well ;)

Good luck on the TT!

SheFly

Oh, good link Salsa!

I think that having made a very firm decision that I'm not going to try to be competitive on the bike this time around, has made me not push myself when I really ought to. I'm so afraid of burning my legs up and having to slog home alone without anyone to swap pulls in the flats, or keep me from getting lost in the hills. :o:rolleyes:

Time to HTFU I think.

Except, she had me until the last line: "run like a mad squirrel into the street." NOT a shining example of confidence and decisiveness..... :p

I loved that post! Thanks for the link!

Good luck in your race!:D Stay confident!

Good luck on the TT Smurf!

You'll do great. TTs are so different from regular racing.

Thanks Salsa, that does rock, really hard. I sent it to a friend of mine and she was really into it to. She's head to the Tour of the Gila so, she could use it.

I can't believe I've forgotten my ultimate inspirational character. Once when I was uber depressed, so bad I left work early because I couldn't cope, my friend Wade insisted I join him at the skate park to photograph.

Well I got there before him and camped out by a bowl and started shooting. There were two guys in there, one in his teens and skilled, and one ragamuffin little blond, probably ten or so. Naturally I was shooting the kid who wasn't falling on his butt non-stop. So floppy haired blond boy just kept trying, and falling, trying and falling. Eventually he made it and asked point blank if I was taking pictures of him. I smiled and said I might be. That was all he needed to hear. He puffed up and said, "Do you think I'm good? Cuz I am!!!"

So here's little mister crash-a-lot all boastful and proud of his skills. So much so that he's willing to announce it to the world. I love that kid, glad I met him.

I learned a long time ago while showing and rodeoing that you can only "Run whatcha brought whitcha." Warm up your horse, fine, but don't spend that precious time trying to teach him something at the last minute because it won't change a thing and it will only stress him and you out. So I'm gonna take a chill ride tomorrow, avoid the course like the plague, and just relax.

Sunday I will run what I brought with me, and if that's slower or faster than what others brought with them, that's okay. I'm not racing to be a super star, I just want to get out there and feel those butterflies, and the thrill of competition. I don't have that anymore being removed from the happening barrel racing scene back home.