Skwerls!

This is from the archives of rec.bicycles.misc

A ride in the woods in the dark of the moon
Was no challenge or so it was said
So I mounted my Schwinn and I turned on my lights
And away in the evening I sped.

Slicker than owl snot my drive train did run
As I reached the first tulgey glade
Completely at ease I passed under the trees
Breathing deeply and yet unafraid.

A sudden light clicking then came to my ear
And I wondered if it was the bike
The volume and frequency seemed to increase
And something just didn't seem right.

My crankset? My pedals? Perhaps the rear wheel?
But my spokes were stress relieved
I'd checked all the torques and examined the forks
No fault could be conceived.

But then I remembered the horrible squirrels
That run in the woods at night
More cunning than weasels and faster than bats
My blood ran cold with fright.

My mirror was useless, it bounced up and down
I carefully looked to the back
Not one running there in the LED glare, not one
But the whole freaking pack!

I knew in an instant the danger I faced
For the squirrels of the East are unreal
Like furry piranha that scamper like rats
They wanted my brand new wheel!

I knew in the morning they'd find my bones
spread out by the side of the trail
If I couldn't pull off a quick finesse
I had to deliver the mail.

I spun and I sweated and pulled a huge gear
In the face of imminent death
The grade was intense and my terror immense
I smelt their squirrelly breath!

Just then I remembered that in my valise
Which I'd strapped to the top of my bars
I had peanuts and trail mix and Gatorade
And a couple of candy bars.

I unzipped the bag and flung out the tools
Which only impeded my hand
An anvil, a tow chain, a hacksaw and such
And a brand new truing stand.

I hated like fury to throw out that stand
But I needed to get to the food
I whipped out the trail mix and tossed it back
It halted that Hell spawned brood.

I sat at the top of the hill and wheezed
As the squirrels devouered the nuts
I'll never again take a ride on that trail
No ifs, no maybes, no buts.