This cracked me up when I read it in the latest Road Bike Rider newsletter
Liar, Liar (by Scott Martin)
I sure hope Lycra isn't flammable. Because -- judging by a lot of what we roadies say -- our pants could catch on fire.
Add these gems to the vocabulary of sneaky things said (and what's really meant):
"It's not that hilly."
This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23-tooth low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.
"This energy bar tastes like real food."
This energy bar tastes like real dog food.
"You're doing great, honey."
Yo, lard-o, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter watching football and gobbling Snausages. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.
"It's not that windy."
Yes, that was a mobile home cartwheeling by. No, they're not supposed to be that mobile.
"I was just riding along when it broke."
I rode down a flight of stairs on my 398-gram race wheels. I drove into the garage with my bike on the roof. I decided to save weight by filing the rails on my saddle.
"This is a no-drop ride."
I'll need an article of your clothing. It's for the search-and-rescue dogs.
"The proprietary Carbonium tubing yields a stiff yet compliant ride."
This bike feels exactly like the 14 gazillion others produced in a monster factory in Taiwan, but our marketing guy had to come up with something to justify the $4,000 price tag.
"It's not that far."
Yes, it is.
