Not sure I should even post this.

:( My brother, who was such a great guy...ski bum, biker and all around free spirit committed suicide.

I am so totally devastated that I can't think, can't function well and sometimes...have trouble breathing. It's totally sucked the energy out of my life and everything seems kind of unimportant now.

My bikes sit in the holders. I have pretty much given up workouts for myself. However, since I'm an in-home personal trainer I did get back to my clients this week. I also teach indoor-cycling which I also got back to this week. I can be very professional and conduct my training and cycling sessions, but the joy for my own training is gone. I'm just a slug. I have so much sorrow that I can't move on my own right now.

Sorry if this is not the place for this, but I'm just soooo sad right now.

God, what a horrible experience to go through. I cannot begin to imagine the kind of pain you're in.

Raindrop, the fact that you're able to get back to work in spite of all that you're going through shows an incredible amount of strength and resilience and courage on your part.

Would you consider seeing a grief counsellor? This is such an awful thing to have to deal with on your own. I think you might need a real person to talk things through. Not that we're not here for you too.

Please take care of yourself. The bikes will be there when you're good and ready, they're very patient that way.

Raindrop. I am so very sorry. Please know we are thinking about you and your family. And that it will not always feel this horrible...

I can't imagine the heaviness of that pain. Please know thoughts are with you.

Gypsy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Raindrop}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry. This is horrible for you. The days will get better, the heaviness will get lighter, you will emerge, like a butterfly, changed, but more beautiful than ever before. Trust yourself. Trust the universe.

In the meantime, grieve, seek comfort, be sad, be still, be every thing you feel whenever you feel it.

Know that we, like your bikes, are here for you. We are ready to listen, ready to share, ready to offer comfort...we are here whenever you need us.

Hugs and butterflies, raindrop

Namaste,
~T~

Oh no. Oh, I am so, so sorry. :(

I'm glad you can or have to keep up some exercise, it will help you in the long run. Not biking or working out at all would give the sorrow an extra hold over you that it doesn't need. You probably won't get any joy from it for a while, but exercising makes you more stable for the long haul.

After my brother died (heart attack, not suicide, which must be SO much worse) I found a quiet track in the woods where I could ride and cry and scream and cuss without seeing anyone.

We're all thinking of you. Hang in there.

Raindrop, even though we may not be with you physically, we are there for you mentally. I think most have experienced the pain of losing a loved one and how it hurts to even think about it.

Sometimes it's easier to talk to us because it's too overwhelming to talk to people face to face. Don't be afraid to talk to us.

Let us know if we can help.

East Hill

I am so sorry. Walking the path of grief is a very difficult journey. It will get better with time, but until then, be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the time that you need to grieve.

My thoughts are with you and your family. I am so, so sorry.

Ruth

My condolences. It is never ever easy to lose a loved one. I lost my father 5 years ago. It hurts like hell. My heart goes out to you. I didn't go to grief counselling. I threw myself in to work. Though, sometimes I think it would've been beneficial. You'll always miss your brother. I think of my dad often. Someday, I hope that you'll find solace in your rides and work outs because being active is something that he enjoyed too.

Until then, may peace be with you.

Raindrop -
My heart goes out to you as you mourn the loss of your brother. I hope that your good memories of him will help you to get through your sorrow.

On the riding your bike front - I really believe that you should follow your heart, don't force yourself to do anything that you are not ready to do. One thing that may help is to use your bike as a memory tool. Go and ride, and use your ride as a quiet time to remember your brother. Don't push, don't train, just ride, remember, dream.

I'm sending healing thoughts your way.
--- Denise

Raindrop, How incredibly sad. I am so sorry this happened. Allow yourself to heal in whatever way that makes you comfortable. There are no "have to's" and there are no time-lines. Your brother will always be alive in your memories.

I'm so sorry Raindrop! I can't imagine what you're going through. My best friend lost her twin brother a few years ago, and she went through the same inertia you're describing. She also found it hard to begin enjoying life again. She went back to work, more or less on autopilot, but it took more time before she went back to doing things she loved. You just have to grieve for a while. I think Denise made some very good suggestions that may help.

Sending compassion your way.

((((((((Raindrop))))))))) I am so very sorry. A loss of a loved one is never easy. You will stop hurting so much, a little bit here and a little bit there. Remember all the good times you had with your brother. I would imagine many of us have lost a loved one and can emathize. I shall be keeping you and your family in my prayers. Give yourself time to go through all the stages a grief. You will return to biking when you are ready.

Dear Raindrop: I can't even imagine what you're going through. I'm not even sure what to say to comfort you, if even such words exist, but we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers and you move through this devastating time. Please accept our sincere condolences for your loss.

Alofa Nui Nui.

Sherry and family.

((((Raindrop))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grief counselling helped me. If you feel like looking into it, you can call the crisis line and ask for a list of resources. Many of the hospitals have grief groups, too, if you feel a group situation would be more useful. But don't feel like you have to do counselling. Do what works for you.

And we are always here on TE. (((hugs)))