Is this my attitude?

[Lenusik]

This morning by DH and I had quite an argument after the ride. We did our usual 22 miles up and down regular road. On the way out my DH wound out really fast and kept 27 mph for about 5 miles. I stayed with him until and slowed down only in the last half mile. I was under the impression that he wanted to go fast and I just needed to recover a little slower. So, on the way back he kept on pulling away and slowing down looking back at me. It was driving me absolutely mad. I caught up with him and asked him just to keep on going and not wait for me. I don’t like to be waited on especially when I well familiar with the road, and I know that he can and wants to go faster. Instead he just kept on doing the same thing over and over again.
When we got home I told him that it makes me feel inapt. If he just keeps on looking back I think that he is telling me: “Are you pedaling there or what?!”, which to me is an insult. I do not consider myself slow by any means but I know that he is much faster. I told him that if he wants to ride with me then he should just stay with me. If he wants to ride faster, then he should just go faster.
Instead he told me that it is all in my head. He was waiting because that’s what he would do for anyone and that’s what people do riding in groups, and because he is concerned about me. And my attitude is wrong. But then, why pulling away every 3 minutes and keep on looking back. This makes me go purposely slower.
Anyway, we agreed that if he starts doing this again while riding with me, I would have to tell him that it is time for me to lead. I am just trying to figure out whether it is truly something in my mind. Maybe my attitude is truly messed up. What do you think?

[Cassandra_Cain]

Hmmmm, I would not be crazy about someone looking back at me every 5 minutes and such. It would probably make me feel slow, which I am, or should I say - it would make me feel slower, which I definitely dont need.

Talking about it seems to me, the best thing to do. Maybe instead of the whole looking back, you can just agree to meet somewhere at a time - that way if either of you aren't there, then the other knows something is amiss.

Finally, you are definitely not slow Lenusik, let's banish that thought real fast :)

[DebW]

I agree that would be annoying. But if he just started doing this since you've been pregnant, maybe he's just nervous because of that.

[Squeaky]

It's not all in your head and it would drive me nuts too. I'd feel like I was being pressured to hurry up even if that's not the intention. Cassandra has a good compromise and he can wait at a predetermined location if he needs to make sure you're okay. Or, he can back track and then you can lead.

[Lenusik]

I agree that would be annoying. But if he just started doing this since you've been pregnant, maybe he's just nervous because of that.
No, that's been happening before I got pregnant. He just thinks that it is a part of cycling. I belive that it is rather annoying. But maybe I should just get over that because there are no negative thoughts in his mind about it. I know that I am not slow (if anyone can define what slow is) but even if I was, I don't want anybody even my husband to keep on looking back. I can figure out my own speed and plus I am in a familiar area. I would be upset if he just dropped me in the middle of nowhere. But I am glad that we talked and came to a certain decision. I hope it works for us.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

He's looking back at you because he doesn't want to let a big distance get between you. I think it's sweet! I would worry if he never bothered looking to see where you are. Remember, we all see things differently. But he did clarify his friendly intentions, so now the "annoyance" feeling is coming just from your side.

[pooks]

I agree with Lisa. I can understand why you were annoyed -- but once he explained that he wasn't trying to rush you and he wasn't frustrated or annoyed with you, then it's back in your court.

But you've done the right thing. Discuss it. Find a way to work around it.

Which is exactly what you seem to be doing!

[Pedal Wench]

I had something like this happen on a group ride.

I ride with the same group every Wednesday. Since I'm one of the slower regulars, I've got the job of sweeping, and keeping on eye on new folks to make sure they don't get lost between re-groupings and fix mechanicals and whatever. We had a new woman join our group who is a much stronger rider. She would go up ahead, but then circle back to the women I was riding with at the back. Couldn't figure out why it bothered me, but it did. So, as soon as she showed up, I rode ahead, since the stragglers had her riding with them. The next week, no newbies or stragglers were there, but I had stopped to help someone adjust her cleats, so I was the last one up the climbs. This woman rode back to ride with me. It infuriated me. I finally told her that I didn't need/want her to do this. I talked with her about this after the ride. I felt that it was just rubbing my nose in the fact that I was back there. On the group rides, they all just wait patiently, and I felt that this circling back was very demoralizing. In my head, folks are waiting at the top because they're catching their breathe, and they're not REALLY waiting up for us slowpokes. Since we talked, she hasn't done it again.

My BF used to do this when we hiked. He would hike off ahead really fast, but sometimes he wouldn't look back. I used to kill myself trying to keep up, but I recognized that this was making me very resentful and mad. So, I stopped! I just hike at my pace, and I ride at my pace. I'm much happier now!

[esther231]

My DH does the same thing.

It annoys me too but for a different reason - I'm convinced he should be watching the road and not turning back to see where I am. He doesn't stay straight when he's doing it and that scares me. David is doing it to see if he should stop and wait or if he should come back for me or to see if he can go further without getting too far away. (the last one is the one he's hoping for) (but you knew that, right?)

We've talked about it. So, he does it less. But he still does it and I'm sure he's gonna fall one of these times.

[KSH]

WOW! I thought I was the ONLY ONE who got pissed off about this!

My boyfriend use to do it to my on our group rides... he would sprint off... then slow down to let me catch up... over and over. Constantly looking behind to find me... and slowing down.

One time he even stopped and waited for me on the side of the road.

I knew the route though and was FINE to do it alone. He made me feel very inept (? spelling), and I would get really pissed at him.

Well, I don't do that ride anymore. I let him go it alone... and he has since sped up and kicks major butt... without me being there to slow him down.

Anyways, I totally understand why you were pissed. Sure, it's OK to slow down if you are trying to keep a group together and the back people don't know the road/route... but you two can do your own rides... just fine.

[Pedal Wench]

This reminds me of a funny story, that's happened twice now...

I keep a bike at my BF's house. When I visit, sometimes I take my tools and stuff, but some trips we're not planning on riding but do, so i don't have any tools with me, or limited tools, due to restrictions on what I can bring on the airplanes. Twice now, we've been on a ride, and I've gotten a flat. I yell "FLAT!!!!!!", but both times, he didn't hear me. By the time he's figured out that I'm not right behind him, I've got my tire off, tube out, and one time had a patch kit with me, so my tube patched and I'm sitting on the side of the road, just waiting for him to come back with the pump. Easily 15 minutes one time before he got back to me. :o

[7rider]

Hmmmm,
Well, if you and your DH are riding *together* than it's nice if you actually ride together. Otherwise, it's just two people out for a ride who happen to be on the same road.
When I ride with DH, there are times when he wants to motor up a hill and I don't. He waits for me at the top.
On our group ride, there are wait up spots. If the group splinters, we'll wait at a light, even if we go through one (or more) light cycles just standing there. It's to keep the group more or less together.
You both have to clarify what the goals of the ride are. If they are togetherness, then ride together, since his going ahead and looking back is plainly bothering you. If he wants to hammer and you don't, either don't ride together, or have him wait for you up ahead at pre-determined points.
But communication is the key.

[eclectic]

Whoa ! so I am not alone out there.

Testostorine really does run thick at times - sometimes I think it is subliminal on the part of the guy - they HAVE to be out ahead scouting things out and protecting the little lady (and just can't be beat by a girl)

It has been a bone of contention with me for awhile when I ride with my BF
He is a stronger rider than I am and in the beginning he was on a hybrid and I was on a leisure bike w/ fat tires and smaller wheels. He would be 1/2 a block ahead all the time. I would always see him glance at his mirror to make sure I was back there. In the early infatuation days I would think "how nice, he is concerned about me"

Move forward a year - infatuation period over. I switched to a road bike last summer and can now keep up. On one ride last summer he turned and said "haven't we ditched you yet" in a joking voice. oooh wrong thing to say.

I have finally had enough of him always riding ahead and told him so (he will walk faster also and I have to practically run to keep up unless I have my tennis shoes on)

I feel it is extremely passive aggresive, inconsiderate behaviour. In my book if 2 people are walking, cycling whatever together the pace has to be comfortable and it is easier for one party to slow down than for the other to speed up.

We haven't ridden or walked anywhere of distance since I told him how I felt so I don't know exactly what will happen. I plan on talking to him again and telling him we either ride together for the ride or we may as well just go out alone.

I am a slow learner - In regards to walking I am going to ask him to slow down and if he doesn't . . . well then I have some decisions to make because that could be indicitive of bigger problems that could arise.

Thanks for letting me vent :eek:

And BTW he is a really nice, fun, diverse, interesting, intelligent guy overall so worth hanging on to :D

[Lenusik]

Whoa ! so I am not alone out there.

Testostorine really does run thick at times - sometimes I think it is subliminal on the part of the guy - they HAVE to be out ahead scouting things out and protecting the little lady (and just can't be beat by a girl)


No, this has nothing to do with my DH. I know that there are issues with his self-confidence. And if I eveb beat him, he will be only proud of me. I looks back because he is truly looking for me with concern. I just get irritaed, that's all.

[Grog]

Oh boy!

Same story here. Not anymore/recently though.

My partner and I have had two very ugly rides like that in the past. One of the days I was feeling really sh***y, I was recovering from a cold or something and just couldn't keep up. We were battling a fierce head wind and he just kept dropping me, and turning around to look when he was 100 meters ahead. It drove me nuts because I always felt like I was working to catch up with him instead of just doing my thing (the rabbit thing). Eventually I stopped pedalling altogether so he would disappear behind a curve, and I felt immensely better immediately.

We've since had a few conversations about cycling together. Sometimes when I don't feel on par I'll tell him to just go ahead and do his thing. He now knows to just do it and not feel bad about it, and that it doesn't make me feel bad, either. Usually he'll wait for me at the top of the next big hill (sometimes with the camera, so I am now trained to smile when I get to the top!!). However I usually ask him, on those same days, or after a strenuous workout, to wait for me at an intersection where a long flat, slightly uphill and very windy stretch of road starts, so I tuck myself in his wheel and he gently brings me back home. He glances behind his shoulder more often to make sure I'm still in his wheel, and I'll let him know if he should take 1 or 2 km/h off his speed to save me from misery.

With these two tricks, we've avoided those episodes of frustration. It took a few rides before he was confident that he could actually go ahead and not hurt my feelings, but he's learned to trust my word.

[chickwhorips]

my bf will do this sometimes, though usually he tries to stick by me. he'll get about 10 ft ahead of me and tell me to hurry up. my problem is he's been racing and riding for years and years and i just started. so i know i'm not as good as he is. i'm happy when he does ride with me, makes me go faster even if he's getting ahead and looking back (which does get annoying and i usually scream for him to keep going and i'll catch up to him sometime).

at least your DH didn't power up the hill infront of you, get off his crossbike, pick it up, run next to you for a bit while you barely passed him, and jump back on the bike and ride past you. i know he did it in good fun but i still had to give him a pretty finger of mine (while trying not to show him i was actually laughing).

[Duck on Wheels]

Hmmm. OK. I can see how from one perspective this turning-back-and-waiting thing can be irritating. But it can also be irritating to be left behind. Maybe not so much on a familiar route. We'd both know where we're going and both know that both can make it. But it sometimes really bugs me when DH takes off trekking up a mountain without at least agreeing on some plan as to where we'll meet up, or where I'll stop if I decide I'm not going for the top, without checking that all those he's leaving behind have enough food, water, warm gear. There he is up on the peak with the thermos full of hot chocolate, while the rest of us (well, me usually) have run out of steam half-way down and could have used some of that hot chocolate for a second burst of energy. Could maybe also have used some encouragement, or just plain company. Last time this happened, he also had the keys to the car. I hiked back to the parking lot, then just sat there sweaty, freezing and hungry with all the spare gear and food locked in the trunk. Baaaaad planning!
And yet ... I can't expect him to hang back with me on every trip. He does often plan a "recovery" (for him) trek the next day, which goes in a terrain and at a pace I can keep up. There have also been times when we plan two bike loops -- one long one and one that short-cuts across the outermost segment. At the cut-off point I can take the short route, then we meet up where they rejoin and bike together for a while again until we're on the home stretch. If he still has it in him at that point, he'll sometimes take off again for a final spurt. Now if only my shipped stuff from Wisconsin would finally get here, we could try that again. Sigh.

[Melstar]

Simple solution! Get a tandem! Voila!

[susiej]

My husband did this too, and it aggravated the daylights out of me because I wanted to ride with him!

In about two years, you can probably use our solution too: Make him carry your toddler on (or after) his bike. (Actually, I wish we had a trailer -- safer if the bike falls.) He'll be pulling an extra 20 to 30 pounds. If you REALLY want to slow him down, make sure the trailer/bike seat only fits the half-broken mountain bike with knobby wheels. ;)

I don't think it's your attitude. In any relationship, casual or intimate, everyone has to balance what's important to all members.

SJ

[Dianyla]

Get him a rear-view mirror. Seriously. I've been in the position of riding with someone slower than I and it's impossible for them to not feel pressured every time I looked back to make sure they're still back there. It's hard enough to avoid feeling this just with friends, let alone with a significant other. But now that I have a rear-view mirror I can just take a surreptitious peek backwards and they don't feel harried.

Besides, rear-view mirrors are just good safety equipment to have, anyway.