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cherinyc
08-30-2006, 01:05 PM
Hi - This is completely unrelated to cycling, so I am not expecting anyone to spend too much time with advice, but....I just don't have anyone to talk to about this except you guys.
Here's my situation: I am only 31, and I don't seem to have any sex drive...and it scares me. My bf and I have been dating for about 10 months, and we haven't had sex in about 4 months. We live together, and neither of us is instigating sex.
I was married before current bf (I will abbreviate as CBF), and was treated somewhat cruelly by my ex-husband. Ex had terrible mood swings, and would not talk to me for a day - then the next day, when HE was in a better mood, he would want to be intimate - getting angry at me when I didn't want to comply. When I started dating CBF, there was the whole honeymoon stage, where we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I found I had no sex drive with the ex, but after it came back with CBF, I figured I was cured. Now - gone again.
I am on the Nuva Ring for birth control, and period regulation - and I asked my gyno if she thought that would be decreasing my libido - she said prob not. Now that 4 months have gone by, I wouldn't even know how to get a session going. I really love CBF. He is BY FAR, the best thing to happen to me, and BY FAR, he is my best friend. But....is that enough?
Is there something I can take to help? I have heard the whole "do you have a lot of stress" blah blah blah excuse - and yes I do, but I ALWAYS do. I am a perfectionist - so I am never completely at ease.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? It seems like I am constantly bombarded with info that says we should be having sex 2-3 times a week - at least. Once a week is made to seem pretty bad, so the whole 4 month thing is making me feel pretty terrible. My life has taken a complete 180 since CBF - all positive. I quit smoking, drinking, going out late, and started snowboarding, bicycling, hiking. ALL GOOD THINGS. So why do I feel SOOOO crappy?

'sigh' It feels good to get this out, so....don't think it's going to make me have sex tonight, but...never-the-less.
Thanks for listening - whoever reads this.

roshelleuop
08-30-2006, 01:33 PM
Cherinc,

I sent you a personal message. Do not worry, you are not alone.

Roshelle from Milwaukee
http://wisconsinbetties.blogspot.com/

bcipam
08-30-2006, 01:34 PM
Just my opinion - I offer no medical or psychological advice, I am no expert and this is a disclaimer (so other folks please don't jump on me) and you can ignore this as crap... again just my humble opinion...

I believe a woman's sex drive is 70 - 90% mental not physical. I understand sometimes it's hard to get in the mood just like it's sometimes hard to get on a bike and do a ride when you've had a bad day. But you know what? I force myself to go ride and once out, feel wonderful and am glad I did.

Change of attitude is needed. Try to look at sex differently. Think of it not as a physical act but as an emotional bonding act and pleasing your BF. Just get started and basically everything will fall into place. If you need to trick and fool yourself into getting started then nothing wrong with that. Plan a nice dinner, buy some sexy underwear and tease your BF about what you might have on. You will pay attention to you adn make you feel good. One thing should lead to the other... men are easy! :rolleyes:

And if you play attention to him he will start paying more attention to you and the circle of life is renewed.

My other humble opinion and this has been discusssed before... there is a problem with jumping into sex with someone without establishing a strong base. Like you said you already had the honeymoon but since you never had the courtship, something is now lacking (I assume this from the fact that you have been dating only 10 months - that is not along time and definitely not long enough to get to fully know someone). Maybe step back from the sex and look at the relationship and friendship. Build that anew. Keep in mind no normal relationship remains the same all the time. Sex always blinds us at first but that passon quickly fades and without a strong ongoing commitment, sex is not enough.

Good luck. Keep working at it. You are going through some pretty normal feelings for a young woman (yes 31 is young).

bikerchick68
08-30-2006, 01:44 PM
I went thru this same thing when I was married to my ex. Towards the end of the marriage my sex drive was nil... and I was pretty concerned. Enough so, that like you I spoke to the doctor about it.

bcipam is right. What actually happened is that the emotional connection between us was nil, so in turn the physical connection was as well.

since then, I find myself single... and believe me, the sex drive is there. The thing with ANY relationship is that they take work to keep alive. I know lots of men who are very good people that I don't want to have sex with... but that was not an issue with you and the BF... so take some time to think about HOW to renew the emotional connect... and then put some effort into seeing if that helps... things as little as picnicking at the park can do the trick. Get away once a week from the tedium of life... paying bills, shopping, laundry, and TV are NOT romantic and do not connect most people emotionally.

Hope things work out well for you... hugs...

Lenusik
08-30-2006, 01:47 PM
Cherinyc,

I certainly wish you a lot of luck. I strongly believe that sex is one of the most important part of the relationship, no matter what people say about romance. I also firmly believe in communicating. I certainly hope that your BF and you have a good way of talking openly and honestly with each other. MY DH and I can discuss absolutely anything, our thoughts, desires, fantacies, fears. This what makes our live, both physical and emotional, very solid. And if something goes wrong, we can talk about it as well. I hope that you can do the same. And please do not blame each other for anything. You need to figure out for both of you what makes you both happy, makes you who you are, and what you are both missing. It is a two-way street. Just share and experiment.

Sincerely good luck.

Bluetree
08-30-2006, 01:47 PM
I am on the Nuva Ring for birth control, and period regulation - and I asked my gyno if she thought that would be decreasing my libido - she said prob not.

Yes, yes and yes... birth control ABSOLUTELY can affect your sex drive!!!

I have tried a number of dosage levels (including the expensive Seasonale) and most have had that side effect. One prescription had a side effect that is not often discussed... depression. Removing it had an almost instantaneous effect on both my s-drive and my mood. It was like someone removed a pillowcase from my head. I finally had to give them all up because my body was just too sensitive to take them. It is rare, but not all that uncommon.
Since you do not seem to be having sex at moment anyhow, I'd suggest going off the BC for a while and see if it makes a difference. (But, ask your OB-gyn first if it's OK!)

Best of luck.

ColleenT
08-30-2006, 01:50 PM
Anti depressants killed my once overactive Libido. it never came back. my husband suffers daily, as i could not care less if i ever had sex again. i perform for him every week or two, but it feels like a chore. i do enjoy it once i'm there, but getting there is not easy. it has been many years for us, about 11 that my libido has been MIA. i have a saint of a husband.

if both parties don't really want it, it might be a good match. But if one of you is missing it, then there is a problem. i wish i had answers, but i am going thru it too. you are not alone.

Cassandra_Cain
08-30-2006, 01:50 PM
Hi Cheri - this is not easy, of that I'm sure - both what is going on and sharing this kind of thing with the board.

Plus, from everything you said it is rather ironic - you make all these positive changes in your life, you feel healthy, fit, and strong but then your libido swings downward. Hard to figure for sure.

I guess there are two avenues on this situation. On the one, you have the physiological stuff which your doctor, GYN, or endocronologist can give you the best advice on. Whether it is hormonal, or otherwise. All sorts of causes can exist, for instance, I have a girlfriend who had very little in the way of a sex drive. Her endo prescribed some medication and hormonal treatments which had a positive effect.

The other aspect was touched on by someone before me who said, very accurately, that our sex drive tends to be in our minds, rather than our bodies. I tend to agree with that. I'm not a counselor (yet!), but the relationship you have with your current b/f is something to be looked at. Without getting to specific - attraction, chemistry, mood, etc. Then of course, you have stress, work, etc. One thing some of us forget, who do a lot of riding or exercise, is we can make ourselves too tired for sex. It is a balance - too much exercise and your libido suffers, just the right amount and it will benefit the former.

From what you said, you've obviously had a healthy libido before, but just are having issues with it now. I'm sure you can once again have that once things get sorted out.

Good luck!

cherinyc
08-30-2006, 02:10 PM
Thanks for the replies. I have received a few pm's, and combined with these postings, I am greatful for the support. I want to respond specifically to various things that were written, but, having had my share of emotional expulsion for the day.....I think I will ponder a bit - and reply when I can adequately communicate my feelings. Emotions are exhausting.
you ladies are the best!!

makbike
08-30-2006, 02:43 PM
Cheri:

Is your thyroid okay? If you have not had it checked recently it might be worth donating some blood for low thyroid levels can cause one's libido to go south quickly.

I hope you can resolve this issue soon. Take care of yourself.

cherinyc
08-30-2006, 03:00 PM
Is your thyroid okay? If you have not had it checked recently it might be worth donating some blood for low thyroid levels can cause one's libido to go south quickly.


I donated blood end of April. Not too long ago. I didn't hear of any problems, just got a card in the mail telling me my blood type was A-.
Would they've told me if there was something wrong with my blood?

makbike
08-30-2006, 03:25 PM
Cheri:

The American Red Cross, I believe, simply checks your red blood cell count along with checking for blood borne pathogens. You need to ask your gyno or family doc about pulling blood for specific tests.

I suffer from hypothyroidism and I can tell you until it was diagnosed and treated I had zero sex drive. Once my doctor found the correct dose of thyroid medication for me things returned to normal.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Bikingmomof3
08-30-2006, 03:27 PM
Cheri,
You have received some great advice. I am glad you felt comfortable coming here. I understand what you are going through. For me, my daily medication plays a huge role. Add that with the daily monotony of every day life and the stress which comes with it. Now throw in 3 teen kids and exercise (all of which I love), and I am exhausted by 8pm and the last thing on my mind is being intimate. Yes, I see the "studies" which claim a healthy sex life is x number of times per week and those just make me feel badly. My husband is wonderful and blessedly just as exhausted as I am. He is also extremely understanding. If you have not discussed this with your CBF, please do. Share with him what you shared with us. The two of you will work through this and there is nothing wrong with you. ((((((((HUGS))))))))))

bcipam
08-30-2006, 03:30 PM
I'm assuming you have disclosed all your concerns and symptoms to your family doctor. It would be up to your doctor to order the labs for blood work. Very specific tests need to be run to find problems. I know alot of folks give blood thinking the Red Cross or Donor Center is also going to do a full physical to find problems. They don't. I just gave bllod last week for one set of issues and ham ordered back again this week for something else. Geez, why couldn't they find it all in the first batch! My poor arm is starting to get "needle tracks"!

If you truly feel you are having a physical problem over anything else, then get to your doctor ASAP and let him know. Take a lesson from someone who is now paying the price for not getting to the doctor when she should have... see the doctor and rule out a physical problem.

Then if they find nothing... work on reconnecting...

kerrybelle
08-30-2006, 03:31 PM
Wish I had a solution for you, but I don't. I'm pretty much in the same boat. Only difference is I'll be married 16 years come December. I agree with Colleen it feels more like a chore most of the time. Dh has a very high sex drivem which is no help to me. I do believe a lot of it can be mental though. Hope you can get back in the groove....

Kerry

Bluetree
08-30-2006, 03:50 PM
Yes Cheri,
you were right to come here. I think what everyone agrees is that its OK to talk about these things and enlist help in overcoming problems. And its vital to talk to your CBF and your PCP and OB-GYN.

I think you'll be very surprised at how understanding your CBF can be... men have a need to FIX things and he may feel useless/helpless if you don't present him with things to, well, fix. Once you make him aware of the problem I'm sure he'll be gung ho and extra supportive... esp. because he knows what the rewards are! ;)

Your PCP and Ob-gyn are also essential places to go. Believe me, having lived with physicians for years, there isn't much they haven't seen or heard.
If it's physical, they probably have the solution.

Most of all, don't beat yourself up over this. As women, we often make things more emotional and complicated than they really are. Let people help you... not only for your own sake, but for theirs. People who care about you want to help... the most unselfish thing you can do is to let them.

Take care.

BleeckerSt_Girl
08-30-2006, 04:46 PM
I know this may sound strange, but try watching a really sexy movie together in bed with some ice cream or other fun treat, like a little movie house for the intimately inclined. It can be a funny movie, or serious, or raunchy- but just be sure it's got some hot stuff going on in it one way or another. This can definitely inspire the mood for both of you, and it makes it like a fun "date" too.

mimitabby
08-30-2006, 05:48 PM
the best form of birth control for leaving your sex drive alone is a vasectomy.
I suffered from not much sex drive too while i was on the pill.
A marriage with a vasectomy right after 2 kids are born is what i've had, and it's the best
way to go!
I was never super hot, so add that little bit of hormones
and what i had would have just gone away.

and now, as an old lady,... well, let's just say it's along the same lines
as making a nice dinner or giving / getting a good massage. something you do for happiness, pleasure and togetherness. hey, or riding a bike!

CycleChic06
08-30-2006, 07:13 PM
Cheri
I just had this same conversation with my friend. She had a similar problem, completely lost her libido, but for her it turned out that as soon as she switched her pill she was totally fine. All our body chemistrys are different and we all react differently to hormones. What could be fine for one person could totally screw with someone else. I would totally ask your doctor again if she can switch your pill.

Emily

esther231
08-30-2006, 08:43 PM
Cheri, I agree with everyone that it could be phyiscal and it doesn't hurt to start there.

I've been married 30 years. So, it's been awhile since I haven't made love regularly. But I remember that the times in my life when I wasn't making love regularly, I lost my sex drive. When I do make love regularly, I find it again. I have no clue why it's like that but it is like that for me.

We've had date nights for decades. It just helped to take a night where we both set everything aside to be together and do something we enjoy. Sometimes we got into taking turns - it's your turn - what do you want most to do this week and the next week it was the other person's turn to figure out if it was gonna be a dinner or a night with friends or a walk or whatever. Sometimes we would decide together. It doesn't matter. What matters is that, for us, it was a way of saying you're important to me, I value this. I think that helped us to stay connected sexually.

Since both of you know it's been awhile - talk about it with him. Even in passing - it doesn't have to be a heavy conversation - better even if you can laugh about it - would acknowledge the elephant in the living room so you can start moving it out the door.

Aggie_Ama
08-30-2006, 09:26 PM
I don't know where the media get the idea of "average" events a week.

While living with the DPITA it could be 4 times a day, or 4 times a year. We've done everything from 17 hours without leaving the bedroom, to nothing for 6 months, and back. I read a very funny quote about this once that said "you can't be in a state of orgasm ALL the time."

Stuff goes in cycles. If you have no medical issues, and if you're both in the slow spot, don't let the media make you fret about it. If you still enjoy each other's company and are still each other's best friend and nothing else is wrong... well, you're ok!

"Slow" times can be really nice, if you don't let it stress you out. (we panicked the first couple times. Don't be like us!) Bodies and minds focus on something else for a while. Make a "date" to NOT have sex. Watch a sexy movie (good suggestion!) or a "nice" movie (like "Sweet Home Alabama") in bed with wine and special food treats. Give each other a foot rub or massage. Then go to sleep.

Some couples just don't have sex all the time. Some do. It's a dynamic of two people, so you may be different with one person vs. another.

If everything else is ok, don't worry too much.

This is great advice. My DH and I have been together nearly 9 years, lived together 4, married 3. I think we communicate well, definitely are best friends, but it is has always been inconsistent for us. There are times where we don't get enough sleep because someone kicked on the sex drive. Other times we may have sex once a month. I was baffled because I happen to know my parents had/have a very active sex life. I thought my parents were the norm and I was weird, but I talked to a few trusted friends and they said they are the same way. DH and I are definitely influenced by stress and even the time of year.

I would look at your relationship and see if you are denying some emotional problem. If not, it might just be a stage and it will work itself out.

BleeckerSt_Girl
08-31-2006, 07:23 AM
Obvioously it bothers you to a certain extent- so that means it IS a problem.
I suggest you bring it up with your BF and ask him if it bothers him as well. You really should do this, if nothing more it will show him you care about the relationship. Find out if it bothers him as well, and then take it from there- together.

bcipam
08-31-2006, 09:14 AM
Cher...

Put things in prespective... you could be 55, beauty and youth long past, living alone with no prospects of romance except for a cat who loves you but maybe its because you are a food giver, day in and day out, no one to share your day and life with, except again the cat, having a sex drive but no release or anyone to play with.***

Life's not perfect, be grateful for what you have. Give him a big hug, snuggle up and tell him you love him dearly and see what happens. Many would love to be in your shoes, lack of sex drive and all... :(


***this is just a hypothetical mind you... I'm not in anyway talkin' about myself!

Lenusik
08-31-2006, 09:52 AM
Cher,

If you are concerned about the pills, you may need to change it. I've been on OrthoTrycyclin Light for 2 years and never had any problems. Maybe this is something that may work for you as well. However, as I mentioned earlies, you need to talk and share with your BF. He will help.

Regards,
Lenusik

eofelis
08-31-2006, 10:26 AM
I am on the Nuva Ring for birth control, and period regulation - and I asked my gyno if she thought that would be decreasing my libido - she said prob not.

I tried the Nuva Ring too. I've had low/no libido for a long time (I'm 38). Plus I've had lots of YI problems. My gyno said the ring may help these, so I tried it. I only used it for 5 days (went back to my pill) b/c I thought it might be irritating me down there.

Anyway, check out this link on the Nuva Ring:
http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?/topic/7/281.html
for posts about other women's experiences with the ring. Many speak of lost libidos. There are 30+ pages of posts there!

For now I've gone off all BC. I really don't need it as bf is "fixed" (his choice). Recently, my libido is actually coming back. So I'll see how the trend continues for me there.


I've done a lot of looking around online about lost libidos in women and it seems to quite widespread and I thought that this is quite interesting and unnatural. Is it all the BC hormones? Something cultural/psycological? Environmental/biological? Something just ain't right.:mad:

BleeckerSt_Girl
08-31-2006, 11:05 AM
Put things in prespective... you could be 55, beauty and youth long past....

Hey, WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!! :eek: :mad:

esther231
08-31-2006, 01:28 PM
HOWLING!!!

I thought the exact same thing. I like being 54. It's a great place to be. I know it looks different when you are younger but when you get here, you find out it's really a nice place. Amazingly nice.

margo49
08-31-2006, 01:35 PM
Hear, hear


signed margo49
who is more than 49

BleeckerSt_Girl
08-31-2006, 01:38 PM
It's TRUE! I'm 52 and I feel more beautiful, sexier, stronger, and healthier now than I ever was when I was in my 20's....or 30's.... or 40's!
(did I mention more modest too?) ;)

Lisa (still gettin' better)

Lenusik
08-31-2006, 01:39 PM
Well yeah!, I am only 31 but i am planning to be a "crazy and sexy" grandma as well. :D

jsgeneroso
08-31-2006, 01:47 PM
Cherinyc,

You are perfect and beautiful just the way your are!!! We all are.

btw. I sent you a private msg.

cherinyc
08-31-2006, 02:01 PM
[QUOTE=bcipam]Cher...
Life's not perfect, be grateful for what you have. Give him a big hug, snuggle up and tell him you love him dearly and see what happens. Many would love to be in your shoes, lack of sex drive and all... :(
QUOTE]

the thing is, is that I am actually fine w/o having s--. I guess I just thought that something was wrong with me if I was okay w/o it.
And w/ regards to talking to bf about it, I brought it up - very timidly - a few months ago, and bf flippppppeeed out! I swear his poor little head got things so twisted around - I was just happy we made it through w/ out breaking up - and that was from me doing everything I could think of to calm him down. He got REALLY REALLY defensive - said I was calling him a bad person, etc etc. It was nuts.
I don't think we've had s-- since, and I am too afraid to bring it up.
Other than that though - we don't really fight. I know what his....fragile areas are - he's on the anal side, but he knows it, and tries to keep it at bay.
Still....I really hate fighting. Me and Ex were lucky to go 2 days w/o a fight, and that was rare.

ColleenT
08-31-2006, 02:30 PM
i am sorry he is so defensive. it really makes it difficult for you. my own husband who is a saint, sometimes, he feels like i am rejecting him, and really, i am just rejecting sex. But it still hurts him, which in turn hurts me. so i usually end up crying when he takes it the wrong way or he seems to be angry at the situation. as i have told him over and over, i think it hurts ME more than him..b/c i am the "failure". i am the defective one. and all i want more than anything in the world, is to make my Husband happy and to make him proud to be with me. And altho sex is not the entire part of a person, it is still a part that is important. i hope you can talk to him again, when he is in a calm state of mind. he might even feel bad for how he reacted the first time. Good luck to you. and don't give up..

Lenusik
08-31-2006, 02:58 PM
the thing is, is that I am actually fine w/o having s--. I guess I just thought that something was wrong with me if I was okay w/o it.
And w/ regards to talking to bf about it, I brought it up - very timidly - a few months ago, and bf flippppppeeed out! I swear his poor little head got things so twisted around - I was just happy we made it through w/ out breaking up - and that was from me doing everything I could think of to calm him down. He got REALLY REALLY defensive - said I was calling him a bad person, etc etc. It was nuts.
I don't think we've had s-- since, and I am too afraid to bring it up.
Other than that though - we don't really fight. I know what his....fragile areas are - he's on the anal side, but he knows it, and tries to keep it at bay.
Still....I really hate fighting. Me and Ex were lucky to go 2 days w/o a fight, and that was rare.[/QUOTE]

I am sorry to say this, but if you cannot share wiht you BF or DH about personal things like your intimate life, you may reconsider your relationship. I don't want to be too harsh, but you should be able to discuss this. A person who is not willing to listen and help is definitely not confident of himself, of you relationship. And you should be aware of this. Sorry about this! I do wish you luck!

bcipam
08-31-2006, 03:20 PM
Lisa and gals... I was teasing about being older - I like where I am but when I was younger I saw the world differently.

Cher... men don't do well with talking... that's a woman thing. Women like to talk. Men generally hate to talk especially about "relationship" stuff.

Action. Men react to action. Cuddle up. Hug him for nothing. Say nice things. Rub his back or his head or his feet, whatever, does it for him. The contact for both of you will be stimulating and healthy.

ColleenT
08-31-2006, 05:01 PM
i don't think it should all be on Cheri to fix this. He needs to be supportive. this is something she felt is a problem and tried to discuss with him. Him having a tantrum only made her feel worse, as if she had no one to talk to. i disagree about her being the one to make nice. he needs to step it up and be the MAN. She is the one who needs soothing right now.

esther231
08-31-2006, 05:45 PM
Thank heaven, BCI. When I read your post I cracked up and then I read Lisa reaction and laughed harder. But you definitely got me on that one. :)

Cheri, you're saying you're happy with the relationship as it is, yes?

If I got that right, then that's all that counts. If it works for the two of you, enuff said. That is all that is important.

Now, if it stops working for you, considering that your sweetie isn't open to talking about it, I really like the cuddling idea.

cherinyc
08-31-2006, 07:24 PM
ya know - something causes bf to get really really defensive, really really easily. And once he gets something stuck in his head - there's no talking him the other direction. I am telling you, he's really got everything together...he's responsible, and polite, and clean....all the things my ex wasn't. But he has some kind of complex when it comes to addressing the "elephant in the corner" as fore-mentioned. A big elephant being his defensiveness.
Like today, we were discussing plans for a trip to Denver (4 days or so) to look for a place to live for the November move. He asked how I felt about staying with one of his friends to save $$. 2 of the couples have small houses (only 1 bath), and 1 couple has a bigger house but also has a toddler, 2 labradors, and 2 cats. I replied "sheesh - that sounds like a madhouse, I'm getting queesy just thinking about it".
I don't have children, I have a small dog, I didn't grow up in a big family, and I don't really know his friends. Four days in that house, while scrambling around Denver on a deadline to find a rental - just scares me - has nothing to do with whether or not I like his friends or not. Now, all I replied was the "sheesh.......queesy..." part.
His reaction was, that if I planned to keep him away from his friends, that I should expect to have a pretty tough time once we got to Denver. Also adding that since I wouldn't be the one spending the $$ on the hotel room that only I would need, he would think that I would be more flexible about it.
I have put myself through college 2 times, to get 2 Bachelor's degrees (both w/ almost 4.0's) but unfortunately he (having only an Associates degree) is able to make 3x more than me:confused: . So the $$ comment was hitting below the belt. That only comes out when he gets on his defensive side - he's not typically mean, but my point is...(i'll get to it eventually, right?) my point is that his reactions to some things are just way out of proportion to the situation at hand. When I previously mentioned that I was worried that we weren't having a very "active" s-- life, the whole conversation spiralled down - to him saying "well now i really don't want to. you make me not want to".
I'm telling you - there's something there. Something happened along the way to make him this sensitive. Problem is...how do you bring up someone's sensitivity, when they're so.....sensitive? I feel like, being able to talk about our intimacy issues, is wayyyy untouchable...considering.
And ladies, I promise you - I am not one of those whiny - attacking - nagging types that comes in swinging. I don't yell, and it takes a lot to get me to say something out of anger, so...
'sigh'....my goodness. 10:30 already - got to get to sleep. This was a long one. The words are just coming out, and like I said - I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, so....sorry. You ladies are like my own "Interactive Diary". Pretty high-tec stuff. ;)
thanks for listening!!
cheri

HappyAnika
08-31-2006, 07:40 PM
Cheri,
Four months is nothing. DH and I have been together for 8 years. The first year was great, we'd have weekends where we never got out of bed . . . Then that initial spark faded. Well, it completely went out. We'd go as long as 10 months without anything. We have a fantastic relationship in that we hardly ever fight, and when we do its in the form of civil discussion, not yelling and cursing. We communicate well and are truly best friends. For me, it was (and still is) about pressure. I felt like I should be doing this for him, he's so good to me, he deserves it, but then I'd get all nervous, which absolutely kills the sex drvie. We'd go out to a special dinner for either of our birthdays, or valentine's, whatever, and then I'd feel this pressure that we were expected to have sex. In addition to the pressure, having a belly full of food really just made me want to sleep. It sounds to me like if you're stressing about it, you're putting pressure on yourself, which just makes it even more difficult to get in the mood.

When I first went on BC back in college with ex-BF, I noticed an immediate drop in libido. I complained to Gync, switched pills, and noticed a little improvement, but not back to normal levels. Later, when I tried going off the pill, I had horrible cramps and mood swings, which I'd never had before I went on the pill. I went right back on. Now we're a few months away from trying to get pregnant, so there's no point in trying to switch pills. However, just talking about trying to get pregnant has ignited our sex life again. (I should also mention that after we got married, we hardly left the hotel room for a week). This is the only issue we've talked about but haven't resolved. I suggested getting counseling, which DH was adamantly opposed to. I suggested getting some sort of self help book, he didn't like that idea either, although I was about to go do that on my own before the getting-pregnant discussions started and solved the problem. So in summary, I don't have any great advice for you, other than try not to worry about it. The more you worry, the more it becomes an issue (valid medical issues aside). Even through our longest droughts, going on vacation always seemed to be the best antidote. My best recommendation would be a romantic weekend away for two (But NO pressure!!!) Good luck!

chickwhorips
08-31-2006, 07:51 PM
cheri don't feel bad about having no one else to talk to about this stuff. neither do i. its hard not having anyone to talk to, but great having everyone on here.

i had a similar problem like you when i was with exbf. it came down to more of the fact that i wasn't physically attracted to him anymore. he had changed in my mind's eye. i was also stressed and depressed.

now that i'm with my new bf i have the opposite problem. i am WAY attracted to him and i think i want it more than he does. (i also have no stress up here and not even being close to being depressed.) i have been with and living with current bf for two years. (i was with former for about a year.) i'm afraid of pressing to much for s--. i don't want to ask for it to much and have him freak out at me and run away. trying to come up with new ways to turn him on is hard too. i swear after two years i still don't know what competely turns him on. i've tried asking but i think i embarrass him. i probably need to come up with a better way than asking him straight "what turns you on" at a completely random time. (anyone has ideas let me know.)

not nice of your current bf to not listen to you. i know how badly that hurts. and him freaking out about not seeing his friends, when you didn't want to stay there was odd. i think he's feeling a bit stressed about the whole thing. sounds like you two need to get away for a nice relaxing weekend, and vacation s-- is always good. (by the way, i'm very proud of you for getting your butt through school with that high of a gpa. YOU GO GIRL! besides there is one industry that WOMEN will always make more $$ then men. ;) and no man can argue that one.)

another thing that i noticed that affected my libido was how much i was working out. if i was working out and doing lots and lots of cardio my libido suffered. might want to think about that one too. i've tried a bunch of different bc methods and finially found one that works well with my hormons. maybe just try a different form of bc? good luck girl.

Duck on Wheels
09-01-2006, 12:34 AM
Talking to ones SO is often tough. The stakes are so high. EsPECially when the topic is sex. But friends and family also can rank pretty high up there on the stakes list, along with career status and income. Your bf may have some insecurity issues that make him defensive whenever he's afraid you're signalling that you're losing interest. With me and my DH it's often been the other way around: I go defensively ballistic, he just retreats. Months later we're finally able to talk about whatever it was, and so far it's always been some simple misunderstanding. Persistent but patient and soothing talking is one way to get through and clear things up. Physical reassurance (doesn't have to be sex, snuggling and cuddling are equally reassuring) is another.

As for sex drive -- no, you're not alone in having down periods. In my own case, the libido doesn't awaken just by thinking of sex, or seeing the DH, or coming home from a trip. It's just not on automatic. And worrying about whether it will awaken is a sure killer. But a relaxing cuddle, just for its own sake, will often have the extra dividend of sparking a brighter flame. ;) :p

donnambr
09-01-2006, 01:04 AM
I can only say that anytime I've used hormonal birth control of any kind, my libido evaporates and I know many women who've had the same experience.

Melstar
09-01-2006, 03:14 AM
I quit smoking, drinking, going out late, and started snowboarding, bicycling, hiking. ALL GOOD THINGS. So why do I feel SOOOO crappy?

Like you said, all the good things. So seriously, don't stress yourself out thinking of a million reasons as to what's going on... just go have a chat with your man and try to work it all out with him. That's what being in a relationship is all about, though it does sound like you're putting in more imput than your partner... sorry to say that.

but you'll be alright. Best of luck :)

Duck on Wheels
09-01-2006, 03:47 AM
Another 2c from an "old" lady just past her 31st anniversary:
That honeymoon feeling comes and goes over the years. Gone for now is not gone forever. Sometimes it catches me unawares and suddenly just seeing DH's butt when he comes into the br. to dress after a morning shower turns me on. And then other times ... I'd rather sleep. ;)

Trekhawk
09-01-2006, 08:35 AM
Another 2c from an "old" lady just past her 31st anniversary:
That honeymoon feeling comes and goes over the years. Gone for now is not gone forever. Sometimes it catches me unawares and suddenly just seeing DH's butt when he comes into the br. to dress after a morning shower turns me on. And then other times ... I'd rather sleep. ;)

LOL - well said.:)

Kitsune06
09-01-2006, 07:03 PM
After my pm...
I think it's a very mental thing, and women do have a pressure to perform 'right'. Also, after not having been active for awhile, it can be important to reassure your partner that "Yes, I'd like to" if you're in the mood so he doesn't feel like he's going to get excited for nothing.

I tend to be in the "2x day or 2x month" category... though I'm wildly attracted to my SO and would be thrilled with as much attention as I could get and still... y'know... leave the house, remember to eat/sleep/go to work...? ;)

situation with exh was very different. Not attracted, and couldn't care if it was 1x/week, or 1x/month. Too much pressure to perform, too little interest, etc etc you know the story....

I'm saying also that if there's an elephant in the corner to that degree, and he's fighting with you that much, you really need to re-evaluate your relationship. Women say that 'Men don't talk, that's a woman thing'. That's a stereotype that needs to be done away with. Men have vocal cords and brains and can learn how to speak about their problems, at least to their partner. If they can't, they don't deserve to have that partner, IMHO. That's harsh, I know, but men need to freakin' speak up and open up about their problems and insecurities (at least to the one woman in their life who is actively involved in that part of their life) because hiding behind that stereotype will only lead to problems.

Long rant short, the key to any good relationship is a solid, solid base of communication. If you can't be his best friend, and talk about *everything* with him, you shouldn't be with him. If he's not one of those buddies you can go to about everything from the way "this ingrown hair here is bugging the h*ll out of you on your saddle" to "So-and-so was a jerk today and yelled at me! The nerve!" to "You know... about our love life..." Then you don't have the sheer foundation that will last.

Maybe someone who's had longer relationships than I will dispute this, but I'm saying you need to be able to discuss everything. The days of 'woman problems' and men 'not wanting to hear about it' died (or should have) in the 50's-60's with dear old codgers who, while totally loving each other, don't actually talk about anything deeper than the weather.

That and about $3 will buy you something cheap and comforting at Starbucks.

margo49
09-02-2006, 12:26 PM
Another 2c from an "old" lady just past her 31st anniversary:
That honeymoon feeling comes and goes over the years. Gone for now is not gone forever. Sometimes it catches me unawares and suddenly ..... turns me on. And then other times ... I'd rather sleep. ;)

Hear, hear
(21 years with SO and counting)

The things that turn you on uncontrollably (as opposed to just turn you on) never change.

ClockworkOrange
09-05-2006, 04:03 PM
Hi cherinyc

U gotta talk hun, something we can all be guilty of not doing enough to our partner.

Also talk about things that do it for you.............:eek: Might seem a scary thing to do but also listen to him.

Even get back to basics..........might be real fun. It can be fun for us oldies too........

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y272/Missbe/oldsexylady.gif

Good luck.



Sally

Kitsune06
09-05-2006, 06:18 PM
Yargh! My eyes! ;)

esther231
09-05-2006, 09:49 PM
Rofl

BleeckerSt_Girl
09-06-2006, 08:26 AM
Aghhh!!! Make scary lady go away!!!!!

cherinyc
09-06-2006, 01:39 PM
Honestly - very scary cartoon lady.

See the thing is - we DO talk about everything. Irritable bowel, saddle irritation, so-and-so looked at me funny and I wanna kick there @$$, etc etc. We are very open about things that make him my best friend....except the 1 thing.
I think that I scare easily too. I'm kind of a "learned my lesson the first time" kind of girl. Get a bad reaction once, and I'm unlikely to forget what got me there. I shy away from conflict, so my problem, I guess, is that I want to bring up the subject - but not sure how. I really thought I was approaching it gently the last time, but....it obviously wasn't as effective as I'd hoped for.
Goodness. Between work, the upcoming move, finding time to cycle, money issues, etc....my intestines feel like one big knot. Seriously, my lower abdomen has been making so much noise lately - and at work too. It's embarassing. I am pretty stressed out (though staying composed) so could be that after the move, etc...things may just snap into place. Our free time gets spent talking about all that we have to do - it's hard to talk about anything else. We're similar in that way - hard time relaxing when there's things that need to be done.
I really appreciate all the advice I have gotten. It really helps to hear other's perspectives, their past/present situations. When you don't have a lot of friends, and rely on fake realities - it's hard to ever feel normal, you know?
Thank you thank you thank you - to all of you!

colby
09-06-2006, 02:32 PM
I would guess part of your problem IS the stress. When my husband and I get stressed out, we tend to pull inward and it can really drive a wedge between us, unintentionally. We work in the same place, too (a small, quickly growing, fast paced software company), so our stressful times unfortunately tend to align. Being together just feels like another task to add to the list that we'll never get to, don't have time for, and a zillion other excuses.

Eventually we finally get to the edge, admit that we're both feeling this way, vow to try again and do better next time, and it all starts over. ;) Every time it happens, it happens so gradually, but I see myself in a very similar position to the one you describe many times before. Over time, it has gotten better, but it's something we have to work on together, even if one of us has a more stressful job or copes with stress better. Managing stress is no simple task -- ironic that just keeping tabs on stress is stressful!

We have also found that making time for us to set aside our lives, if even for an hour, has helped. A weekend where we are by ourselves, a picnic, a bike ride together, a movie... just something that lets us reset and be together by ourselves. It doesn't have to lead to sex, but it can bring back some of the closeness that gets you one step further.

You'll make it, I'm sure -- even coming here and talking about it is a huge step in the right direction. Good luck! :)

ClockworkOrange
09-08-2006, 02:15 PM
Yargh! My eyes! ;)


Aghhh!!! Make scary lady go away!!!!!


Honestly - very scary cartoon lady.

Really did not mean the animated pic to offend, so have deleted it.

Hope I am forgiven? :(

Sally

quint41
09-08-2006, 02:55 PM
In the first place, and getting back to your original post -- you can thank our friendly media (movies, books, magazines, TV, music, the whole shebang) for making everyone think that we're not normal if we are not having sex 3.2 times per week!! As you can see from these postings, it is simply not true for most normal couples!!

I'm not even going to talk about how the two of you need to talk, see your doctor, etc., etc. Everyone is right on with that stuff.

You said at one point that you wouldn't even know how to get it started now because you haven't done it in so long (and believe me, 4 months is by no means any kind of record!) Try this: light a couple of candles in the bedroom and put on some music. Go find him, take his hand and just lead him through the house in that direction. If he starts to ask what's going on, just "shhhh" him and keep walking. When you get to your destination and kiss him, it's a done deal. Tada! The ice is broken.

Many posts have mentioned that for us women, it's almost all a mental thing, and I fully believe that! Have you read Mars/Venus? The guy who wrote that knows it, too. We need the whole emotional stimulation thing, men don't. All they need is the visual and they are on their way. CBF probably needs to kick it up a notch in that department, too, wooing you the way he used to, being romantic, noticing how attractive you are, etc. They forget. What do YOU like? Sex in the morning better than at night? Was it fun to go parking way back when? Do you find camping kind of sexy? Whatever it is, write it down on slips of paper and make a game out of it once a week -- pull a piece of paper out of the jar and tell him "I want to do this." Oh, I guarantee he'll be racing for the sleeping bag. You both win.

Bottom line, I'm divorced, I thought there was something wrong with me, too. I'm single now and can tell you that it's still there, it just didn't get the proper care and feeding for a while there!

Good luck!

BleeckerSt_Girl
09-09-2006, 09:21 PM
Really did not mean the animated pic to offend, so have deleted it.

Hope I am forgiven? :(

Sally

Of COURSE you are!! :) ;)

Dogmama
09-10-2006, 05:41 AM
Stress is a killer. If it were something you could see under a microscope, we'd be spending millions to eradicate it. Stress affects sleep. Constant fatigue makes us stressed. Vicious circle. Can't think, can't remember things, easily irritated. That isn't even touching the physical things. Oh - and it can MAKE YOU FAT! :eek:

I'm a perfectionist too. Except that, things are never really perfect - there could be "one more tweak" here or there...and then another...and then another. That, alone is a huge stressor.

Given all of this - how could your libido NOT be affected? We're supposed to relax & let go during sex. Relax & let go??? What is that???

I've done therapy around my stress & perfectionism. A good therapist is wonderful. Two books really helped me: Undoing Perpetual Stress by Richard O'Connor and The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Bourne.

My job is my stressor. I take a tiny bit of an antidepressant (another side effect of stress & perfectionism coupled with my broken brain) and when I need it, a really tiny speck of Ativan (.125mg, you can barely see it.) I went for years saying that I would not accept chemical help because it was for sissies, I needed to handle my own problems, how else will I learn, blah blah blah. I finally was convinced by a psychiatrist and a couple of good friends that I was spiraling down fast & needed help. The Ativan doesn't make me stupid, sleepy or anything like that. I removes the constant hum in my brain that tells me I'll never be good enough, I can't handle this, etc. It allows me to step back from my problems, breathe, and handle things one-by-one.

Handle your stress & I bet your libido comes back.

Regarding having sex 2-3X week, that is a myth. It is one of those statistics that do not hold up in real life. Most married people have sex ~3-4X month. Don't beat yourself up.

Regarding men not talking - I agree, they should but they don't. Especially when you're talking about Mr. Winky (why do they always name their organ?). I have an incredible, loving and close relationship - but when I bring up this subject, all rationality flies out the window. I don't think my relationship is tainted because of it. I just accept it, talk about it in a loving manner, e.g., "I love you - this has nothing to do with you - it is my problem" and let it go. In my case, it is DH with the problem, brought on as a result of chemo. I'm so grateful to have him with me that sex is a cherry on the sundae, nice to have but not essential.

ClockworkOrange
09-10-2006, 04:33 PM
Of COURSE you are!! :) ;)

That's cool........:p

Sally

Kano
09-10-2006, 06:34 PM
I'm so grateful to have him with me that sex is a cherry on the sundae, nice to have but not essential.

Dogmama -- this is SO perfectly stated!



Cheri -- something I noticed in your most recent post in this thread -- your big question is HOW to talk with him, yes? IMO, since he gets very defensive when you bring things up, or react, it sounds like you may need to take special care in how you word things. Perhaps I'm especially blessed in that mine drives me crazy with making me rethink and restate things when we get to talking about the important stuff. He seems to really want to be sure he knows what I mean when I'm saying something -- and I think he wants to be sure I have thought out what I'm saying too, and know just what I'm trying to get across! (never mind that you can look at the sky and say it's blue, get out the spectrometer and measure the blueness before you declare that it's blue, cuz without positive evidence, it could be yellow! is the way his mind works) Yes, when I'm in a mood, this can be very frustrating, but it does wind up helping things work out.

Sometimes, what we're pretty sure comes out of our mouths isn't what our listener hears -- knowing Earl, he might ask me to clarify even this statement! Like I say, I have this feeling I live with an unusual sort of man!



We started this thread with you asking about your xes life, or lack of it. I sense that the elephant in your living room isn't xes so much as your impending move. Our impression is that BF is excited about it: it sounds like he knows the area, has friends there, maybe a job lined up already, etc. On the other hand, you maybe haven't been there before, don't know the people he knows, nor do you know anyone else in the area. Plus, you don't have a job lined up yet...

I get the sense that you really want to make this move with him, but you're scared out of your wits! I don't know how long you've been where you are - geographic location - but if you're looking at leaving family, friends, etc. that you've been close to for your entire life, along with the "extracurriculars" that you've put into your life (gym, bike routes, girl scout cookie mom) and going somewhere you've never been, well, yeah, that's taking your kids, dogs and cats, loading them into the minivan on a 60-below zero Thursday morning and moving from Minnesota to Idaho!

This is huge trauma, Cheri! It was a big step for Earl and I, who had a 17 year commitment under our belts, and I think it may be an even bigger one for the two of you -- who, in many ways, are still getting to know each other.


Let's not worry about sex for now. If he's not out shopping, then he's okay, and probably understands more than you realize. It sounds like he's not volunteering any information, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's just as worried about this move as you are -- will he do well in this new job? (or if he doesn't have that lined up yet....) Heck, he's uprooting you, and maybe he's worried about how you'll transplant too!

Let's talk with BF about this move. And yes, this needs to be done rather carefully too. I'm blessed, but yours sounds like he's not real good with the "hot button" communication yet. When we talk, it's important that he NOT hear, "I'm afraid to move to Colorado with YOU" or "moving to Colorado with YOU scares me."

I think he needs to hear that you're looking forward to going with him first and foremost, but that you'll miss your old life. AND WHY -- it's been so nice to live close to mom, I'm going to miss seeing her a couple of times a week, that sort of thing. (I don't know that you live right by mom or not, but you know what I mean, yes?) It's important that he understand your concerns about staying with his friends when you visit soon -- I'm GUESSING that your feeling that "it would be a madhouse" was more a feeling of not wanting to impose on people you don't know? If that's the case, maybe letting him know how eager you are to meet and get to know his friends and their families, but that you feel uncomfortable imposing on them before you know them a little better is the way to approach this particular situation.

I know this conversation has happened already -- and it sounds like you feel uncomfortable with the way it turned out. He probably does too. Maybe you can gently revisit it, something like "honey, I feel badly about a conversation we had lately, and I'd like to talk about it. Remember when we talked about the trip to Colorado to find a place and I said -- PLEASE LET ME FINISH, I'M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE (if he gets bothered and seems to not want to listen) -- that I thought it would be a madhouse? I think what I meant to say came out wrong and I know it upset you, and I want to explain what I meant..."

First thing to remember: don't start something like this while he's in the middle of his favorite TV show (or other special activity), or when he's gone to bed and is really tired, ready to sleep (Earl HATES that!) or he's in a foul mood after a long nasty day at work, or whatever. Make sure it's an okay time to talk with him!

Something I try to say OFTEN in any sensitive conversation I'm having with someone who really matters to me is "I could be saying this all wrong" and "I'm not sure how to word this" and that sort of thing -- I know I sometimes word things hurtfully when I don't mean to. Reminding the other person that I'm not trying to be nasty and requesting that if they're not sure what I meant, please ask. I use a lot of "does this make sense?" and "do you understand what I mean?" too, it seems. (it can be really hard in writing -- I write, erase, write, erase, write, go do something else, read, erase, write.....)

Someone mentioned that guys seem to like to fix things -- they're not good at just talking about them and getting things off your and their chests. If you can keep your head together enough to communicate that you'd like his help in easing the fears you have about YOUR move -- remember to emphasize that you're excited to go with him (yes?) but nervous about the new environment and all you're leaving behind (right?) and would LOVE his help in getting over this. Please show me things we have to look forward to when we live in Colorado -- Do you think there will be time for you and your friends show me good places to ride my bike? How about time to find your new favorite sports bar, dear? (substitute his favorite activity here, we need to be interested in what he's going to be doing in Colorado too!) Ask him -- Can he help you update your resume? That counts as fixing to a guy, and can be used as a gentle lead in to discussion about how nervous you may be about looking for a new job when you get to Colorado. Something my husband once said, when we were still fairly new, was that fixing what was bothering me can help him with what's bothering him too -- so you could wind up helping each other!

Heck, I've run out of steam -- please, ask me if I've been confusing!

Karen in Boise

Meaux
09-10-2006, 07:19 PM
cherinyc-
I completely understand what you're going through. A combination of birth control, anti-depressants and an incredibly high stress job have completely killed my libido. And I haven't even been married a year. Hope you manage to work through all of this. It's frustrating to deal with a lack of libido on top of everything else.

cherinyc
09-21-2006, 01:27 PM
I'm just seeing the last 2 posts. Is there a function on this forum that tells you when you've gotten a reply to an older post? I can't remember where I post things all the time, and then I don't get to see all the advice someone gives until....let's see....11 days later.
Karen - thank you for taking the time to write all your wonderful advice. I think you may be right, about the elephant in the corner of the room being the stress about the move, being jobless, etc...more than the $ex. The latter just being a side effect of the first.
Overall, Bf and I are very happy together, and he really is a partner to me, more than I could imagine. We act as a well-oiled team with everything else but...you know what. If I am making food, he sets the table. When finished eating, we clean up the kitchen together. If it's cleaning time, I take upstairs, he takes down. AND - he has totally bonded with my dog (after first proclaiming he didn't really like small dogs, mine weighs 18 lbs)...he walks him (and scoops his poop;) ), plays with him, I catch him giving Biggie hugs, and talking to him....and bf (who is a bit of a neat freak) DOESN'T freak out when poor puppy occassionally pukes up dinner on the light beige carpet :o oops. Bf is more worried that Biggie isn't sick or anything.
That's all important stuff to me. (maybe a preview of fatherhood?)
Truthfully, I think it worries me MORE that BF doesn't seem to want to have $ex, b/c you're right...all this other stuff on my mind (giving me insomnia to boot) makes me not really want to anyway. BF and I are very similar in many ways, maybe he has a low libido like I do....which would make us perfect soul mates right? Equal $ex drives (or lack there of). Neither of us have jobs lined up in Denver yet - and both of us are planners/worriers.
Now that I really look back...I think the $ex stopped when we made the decision that we would be moving...about 5 months ago. The clock is ticking now, we've arranged for the moving truck....and we're both very excited about it (but also anxious). No kids, just us and our stuff, but it's a control thing I think.
He and I just celebrated my b-day this past Sunday - and he was so enormously sweet. He told me we could do anything I wanted, and meant it...even when I decided to cut our 45 mile bike ride down to 25 (after we drove 45 minutes to get there, and were 16 miles down the road) he said, no problem...if that's what you want to do, we'll turn around and go back. :D

Ya know, I wish the element of $ex wasn't so prominent in our society. It's taken the naturalness out of everything. When did the notion of "every guy goes to strip clubs, and looks at porn all the time" become acceptable? They were talking about it this morning on the radio, and I'm thinking...what is the trick for taking emotion out of the act? Maybe that's what I need to do? Don't know that I can though.

Thanks for listening everyone!
cheri

Kano
09-21-2006, 08:41 PM
Karen - thank you for taking the time to write all your wonderful advice. I think you may be right, about the elephant in the corner of the room being the stress about the move, being jobless, etc...more than the $ex.

You're welcome, kiddo!


Overall, Bf and I are very happy together, and he really is a partner to me, more than I could imagine. We act as a well-oiled team with everything else but...you know what.

It does sound like the two of you make a great team.




Truthfully, I think it worries me MORE that BF doesn't seem to want to have $ex, b/c you're right...all this other stuff on my mind (giving me insomnia to boot) makes me not really want to anyway.

So you're saying neither of you wants it lately -- this means there's no problem!

You're getting along great. You don't want xes, he doesn't want xes, and the only reason it's a problem is because someone on TV says you should want sex. It becomes an issue between you because you're concerned that you're not pleasing him, and when you bring it up, he gets worried that he's failing you, you poor kids!

We "make xes important" as something to enjoy in life, and seem to put great value on it, like, you know, life just isn't good without, but the truth is, xes exists for a reason, and that's not pleasure. That's a really pleasant side effect! I think that the rest of life together is far more important in a lasting relationship and as Dogmama said, sex is the cherry on the sundae!



When did the notion of "every guy goes to strip clubs, and looks at porn all the time" become acceptable? They were talking about it this morning on the radio, and I'm thinking...

This is a new aspect of the thread -- is he looking, or is this just related to the radio story?

I don't know about this porn stuff, it's been around forever -- let's face it, guys can look at National Geographic and see porn! And as long as women are willing to show their stuff, guys are going to look. Doesn't mean they're going to act on it, just like we don't necessarily act on it when we see some great eye candy.




what is the trick for taking emotion out of the act? Maybe that's what I need to do? Don't know that I can though. cheri

Nope, taking the emotion out of it's not the answer. Well, you could, but then it's just sex, and you might as well be getting paid for it. I'm pretty sure that's not what you're interested in. He's not interested in that either.

Karen in Boise

Dogmama
09-22-2006, 03:50 AM
I'm just seeing the last 2 posts. Is there a function on this forum that tells you when you've gotten a reply to an older post? cheri


Go to User CP/edit options/notification. There is a drop down box where you can select how to be notified.

Kitsune06
10-01-2006, 10:23 PM
I don't know about this porn stuff, it's been around forever -- let's face it, guys can look at National Geographic and see porn! And as long as women are willing to show their stuff, guys are going to look. Doesn't mean they're going to act on it, just like we don't necessarily act on it when we see some great eye candy.

Nope, taking the emotion out of it's not the answer. Well, you could, but then it's just sex, and you might as well be getting paid for it. I'm pretty sure that's not what you're interested in. He's not interested in that either.

Karen in Boise

DGF likes pr0n a lot... it gets her in the mood sometimes; she's pretty visual. As for me- I can't unless it's something spontaneous. She can plan all she likes, but her plans are going to fizzle if it's not 'there' for me. Likewise, she can plan a night of movie watching, but if something strikes me about the way her new jeans look on her hips or the way the TV's glow illuminates her profile, there's going to be lots of movie not-watching going on.

She's had a hard time with it, but I think what's working for her is just going on an inclination. if she wants to for a little bit but then thinks "oh, well it's an early morning/the neighbors might hear/we should watch this movie" etc... she's learning to filter out what's a real valid reason *not* to, and what's a good thing to ignore, when it'll be fun anyway. *shrug*

Me, I can be considered a purist, maybe a prude in some circles. I don't especially like pr0n but if she likes it, hey, I can stand it for awhile... but the emotion *has* to be there, it cues the spontinaety. Otherwise, yeah, I might as well be paid for it... and that's a lot of work if you don't enjoy it. With anti-depressants, we accept that sometimes there'll be nights that things don't 'happen' (not to go into too much detail) or that it'll happen, but it takes an hour or three to get there. I just say "It's all the longer I get to enjoy you."

It's important for you to be able to trust that your lover won't get tired of it before you do. ...my ex fell asleep once. I was on Depo and couldn't get things to 'happen' for anything in the world... and he fell asleep. it hurt a lot. DGF worries, but she has no reason to. I work long hours. ;)

Probably all TMI, but I think I give the best info from personal experience, so if you learned too much about me, try to forget? I dunno... ;)

Then again, my ex and I worked quite well as companions, but not so well 'that way'... but we both recognized it as an issue (he didn't get what he wanted, I didn't get what I wanted) so we parted ways... but he's still like a brother to me; I love him to death... but I'm happier with my mate.