Accosted by a drunk :(

[Melody]

I was picking up one of my medications yesterday and unfortunately since there is no good place to lock the bike up in front of the Walgreens, I had to lock up the bike up at the end of the shopping center to a bench (the bike rack next to the benches is a _joke_).

I went into the Walgreens, grabbed my meds and came out. There were a couple of guys checking out the bike (making me very nervous) who took off after they saw me come out. There was a drunk guy that I had passed going into the Walgreens and after I came out he started talking to me. Since I had taken the trunk bag off of the bike I had to put it back on before I could take off. The drunk continued talking to me and at one point he asked me to kiss him. :/ He didn't attack me or anything but I was fairly nervous needless to say :(

I couldn't just take off very easily unfortunately. He was blocking my path out and he kept on talking to me saying I was pretty, etc. etc. :( At one point he touched my cheek which just made me feel dirty. :(

I didn't want to get agressive. He was drunk but coherent enough :( And who knows what he would do. I continued to talk to him saying "no I won't kiss you. I'm married." If he did anything really agressive I could have responded but he didn't do anything overt (at least that's how I saw it).

He eventually let me go after (I guess) he saw he wasn't going to get anything. I got home and just broke down and started crying. Obviously this bothered me much more than I had thought.

What would you have done? I feel better today but yesterday I had a hard time sleeping. It also broke back old feelings of feeling helpless when I was nearly raped 10 years ago. :(

sigh. :(

Mel

[Popoki_Nui]

Nine-one-one. Obviously this episode affected you deeply....and rightly so. Do you carry a cell phone? After your first request to leave you alone was ignored, call the cops. At the very least, this was harrassment. He touched you...that is assault as well. I guess I getting to be a hardass in my old age, but I just don't put up with anything anymore. Next time (hopefully there won't be one!)...get a description, find a safer place...and call the cops.
Hope you're ok. {{{{hugs}}}
~Sherry.

[Dianyla]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. :( It sounds to me like you did the "deer in the headlights" thing and were somewhat paralyzed by fear. In no way am I excusing the behavior of others, but you need to be able to project confidence and strength and be prepared to defend yourself, since abusers/rapists often smell fear and like to move in for the kill. One thing you may want to do is to work on cultivating some good response tactics, in case you have another unpleasant encounter with this guy or others.

A book you may find interesting is The Gift Of Fear (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440226198/sr=8-1/qid=1144822911/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-2766491-2848616?%5Fencoding=UTF8) by Gavin DeBecker.

I hope you feel better soon. :)

[doc]

Yuck! I am so sorry you had this experience. But the worst part seems to be how you feel about it. Just like your near rape long ago, this was NOT YOUR FAULT and in no way should make you feel dirty.

How about counseling with an emphasis on things to do if god forbid there is a next time? I agree with D in that you've somehow got to transform that fear/victim response into something empowering. As women we are taught to be nice, polite, and think of others first. I think yelling at the top of your lungs "get lost, leave me alone" etc might have scared him away. But you were polite. Society's fault. Think about what a guy would have done.

I am so so so glad that nothing physical happened to you (or your bike). Is there even a planter or anything you can chain your bike to in a more central location? Don't stop riding your bike to the pharmacy. And definitely don't let this guy win by altering how you run your life. Hugs and more hugs to you.

[cusepack]

My heart goes out to you. I know only too well the emotions involved in assault. Everyone that has posted has wonderful suggestions. Keep in mind again, that in no way does this have anything to do with you, rather this is about him. Yes, you happened to be there when he attempted this outrageous behaviour, but had it not been you, perhaps it would have been someone else. Therefore, I suggest you still contact the police to advise them of the incident. This way, the area can be patrolled and, you may foil this man's attempt to repeat his actions. It'e relatively safe to say this man will attempt this behaviour again. Remember, speaking up is speaking out.

Please take one day at a time and know there is support out there for you, whether it be friends, family and/or counseling. Talk about it. Share it. Don't let it fester. And, let it empower you and other women as well.

Take care and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathryn

[Nanci]

EEEWWW!! Carry a cell and call 911. Or go into the nearest store and call 911 or ask for help.

I won't leave my bike if I don't think it's safe. Bring your bike into the store, and if they say anything, tell them they need to provide a safe place to leave it. Or go to the drive up window!!

There's a law in my city that allows drunks/homeless to be arrested if they assault (that would be any form of touching you) or aggressively panhandle.

I'm sorry.

Nanci

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry - what a terrible experience!

I second what others have said - don't hesitate to call 911 or to run back to the store or to yell or scream or do whatever you need to do to make sure he leaves you alone. It is absolutely not your fault.

In the past, we've had some significant problems with very aggressive homeless and panhandlers where I live - I've had one threaten to pull a gun on me. You can bet I went to the nearest store (pre-cell phone days) and called the cops. They now prohibit panhandling after dark, etc. and the cops are pretty good about enforcing it.

I also agree with Nanci's point about bringing the bike into the store. The closest grocery to me has no bike rack and no good place to lock a bike. So I walk around the store with it. I have yet to be bothered (I noted last time I was in there that a bike wheel was sticking out of the break room, so I expect the employees do the same thing).

I would also call the store today and let them know what happened. They will probably be extra vigilent about keeping their store area safe if you tell them what happened - they don't want their customers to have to go through what you did!

Hugs!!!!!

[Lise]

Echoing what everyone else has said. CA in NC suggested telling the store management, which is a great idea. You can take your meds business elsewhere if you don't feel safe around their store. They may respond by installing a better bike rack in front of the store--you can suggest it, and see what they do. Best wishes, Lise

[Running Mommy]

Oh Mel, I'm so sorry. Yes, I know how it feels. It is an awful feeling. I don't really have much to add except that I'm sorry it happened to you. And unfortunately that near rape 10 years ago is probably the biggest reason why you reacted the way you did. It brought back those feelings.

[KSH]

Wow. Sorry to hear it! It sounds very upsetting.

A lady I ride with said she was in a situation once where she felt uncomfortable (out riding alone, was in a neighborhood asking for directions) and after that, she decided to get some MACE. That way, next time, she would feel like she could flee the situation if need be.

Get some mace. Protect yourself.

I hope you feel better.

[Pedal Wench]

I had a similar thing - I was in Vegas and my BF was sick, so I just started driving trying to find a drugstore to get him meds and fluids. When I pulled in, a guy approached me, but I was able to avoid him on the way in. As I was leaving, I saw he was still out there. Without a second thought, I went back in the store and asked if someone would walk me out to my car. Their security guy said that they've been having problems with this guy, and he said that I did the right thing and I should NEVER hesitate to ask for something like that. Listen to the little voices - it never hurts.

Thinking back, instead of that incident making me feel bad, I feel empowered by taking charge and listening to that voice.

[Nanci]

Pedal Wench reminded me- I had the same thing happen at a big grocery store, in the middle of the afternoon. There was a creepy guy by where I parked when I went in, and when I went out, he was still there, so I went in and asked a bag boy to walk me out. But the guy was gone.

I had an incident of "too polite for my own good." I was on a paved trail, late afternoon, after all the cyclists had gone home. Still light. I came up to a crossroad, and there were two teenagers there who wanted to ask me about the mile markers or something, so I stopped on the opposite side of the road I was crossing. I answered a couple questions, but they were making me nervous, and suddenly one of them ran at me! I was ready to take off, luckily, and I did. Then on the way back to my car I rode out on the road not on the trail. And didn't go back for a long time, and when I did, didn't park at that trailhead or ride that direction, instead driving an additional 15 miles to the next trailhead. Still gives me the creeps.

I keep saying I want to carry pepper spray, for people _and_ dogs, but haven't bought any yet. I think it would make me feel safer, though.

And to cure my fear of being home alone after people attempted to break in last fall, I now have a shotgun in my bedroom and know how to use it.

Nanci

[miffy'sFuji]

Melody, I think everyone has offered some great suggestions. We're here to listen and commisurate with you. I try to project a tough exterior, but when confronted I sometimes can't keep it up.

Always remember, your bike is not worth your life or safety. If you're in a similar situation again, even when there are just a couple people looking at your bike that you feel uncomfortable about, I would go back to the store. Either ask someone inside if they would please escort you to your bike or call the police. You can always get home via a friend or cab if necessary.

[slinkedog]

Oh Mel! I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have nothing to add to everyone else's great suggestions, but please know I'm thinking of you and hoping you feel safe. We are here for you. You are not alone.

[E2theD]

I agree with others that in the future you should bring your bike in. Living in San Francisco I'm very uncomfortable locking my bike up anywhere and I'll ask to bring my bike in to stores and appointments. I've never been refused.

As far as the drunk vagrant, that sucks! Since this isn't the first experience you've had with aggressive unwanted sexual advances it is no wonder you were uncomfortable. I would suggest that you sign up for a women's self defense class. I'm not suggesting that you beat anyone up but it will boost your confidence which overall will make you a less easy target. Again though, I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope you feel better soon. Seems to be a common occurrence here in the Bay Area... :mad:

Erin

[bikerchick68]

man, what a horrible feeling that we can't even go pick something up without some idiot hassling us these days... I can only imagine how scared you must have felt, especially given your prior experience 10 yrs ago...

I work for a large restaurant franchise here in CA. We have homeless, drunks and aggressive Aholes sometimes hang out in front of our restaurants begging for money from guests... the minute we know about it they are told to leave immediately. If they refuse, they are watched closely while we wait for the police to arrive. In the future, absolutely go back inside the store and ask for the manager. I guarantee they are not thrilled to have someone outside scaring away their customers!

You have no obligation to be nice to someone who is making you feel threatened. Even if you don't perceive it as violent or if they don't mean to be threatening... it's OK and the right thing to do to simply say, "Please leave me alone." If they do not it's time for action. I am nice once, and if they don't get the clue the nice act is over...

I hope you are able to move past this and forward again... hugs...

[maillotpois]

Oh that's terrible! I am so sorry that happened - must have made you feel so vulnerable. I agree - complain to the store. Make sure they know what's happening outside. They have liability exposure if they receive complaints and do nothing and then someone is hurt. Even if this is on a public sidewalk outside the store, they still have a duty to respond to a complaint like that.

[Trek420]

Melody, I'm so sorry to hear this. First off let me say that guy must have been both extremely drunk and stupid.

It's never excusable nor the victoms fault. I've met Mel and she's very tall, and strong. Does NOT look like anyone you'd wanna mess with or have angry at you. :cool:

If I were him I'd be skeered she'd wrap that puhrty Ti bike frame around my head.

I'm sorry this was so upsetting Mel. Give yourself credit for doing the right thing because..... the most important thing is that you are ok.

I don't like to second guess when it comes to womens self defense or do a lot of shoulda-woulda-coulda.

You are ok so intuitively you knew what to do to be safe.

But others in the same location might not be so lucky. I'd report this to the store management and if they can't secure their lot and give you a place to securely park your baby .... lots of other places to shop that can.

[KnottedYet]

Melody, I second everything that's already been said. And I really sympathize with you over the "deer in the headlights" reaction. I do the same thing, and kick myself over it later. I even took a women's self defense class (where they really emphasized shouting/yelling/running/getting help as opposed to fighting) and I still freeze. Maybe I should take it again. You take one, too, and we'll compare notes.

[CorsairMac]

I'm so sorry to hear about your unfortunate experience Mel - the only thing I would add is: I Don't lock my bike up. Even if they do provide racks for them. My bike goes everywhere I go - or we don't go there. I have yet to have anyone get upset with me for bringing my bike in - most store employees are fascinated by it and stop to talk to me about my ride, how far etc etc. I just don't feel safe leaving my bike unattended not to mention the situation you presented, where you came out and had to chase away boys and then stop and unlock the bike etc etc creating time delays that could work against you - which it sounds like they did. sending virtual hugs your way my friend and feeling sorrow that the world has to be like that sometimes!

[mmelindas]

:o Oh, Mel, poor kid!

I certainly understand your fear, the bad vibes and terrible memories from the past.... all the advice you got was dynamite stuff...

I also heard about one self defense instructor who advised women to carry a long hat pin, tucked in a safe place,....and pull it out and stab the guy's hand if he makes a move towards you, then yell "Fire!" at the top of your lungs and RUN!!! ("fire" draws people but "help" or "rape" actually repels them away.)

There was a nurse at the ER near where I worked that got raped.... :mad: and the deviant came back for seconds.... well, she was in high heels ready for a night out after work.. She'd had these very self defense lessons and so when he tried to jump her, she whipped out her hat pin, stabbed him in the face, and while he was writhing in pain, she took off her high heels and proceeded to gouge his eyes out, while yelling "Fire!" People came running!

The hospital security came, apprehended him, called for police & medical help and she didn't stop...while they were strapping him on the gurney to take him inside for treatment of her wounds to him, she hopped up on the gurney and started beating him again with her high heels!! :eek:

The paper got photos of her ... how mad she was, how empowered she felt and all....and that guy told police he'd never dream of attacking a woman again after that hideous and scarring experience!!!

[Melody]

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Work has been pretty killer lately. :(

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm gotten into the habit now of carrying a whistle and honestly, I'll probably stop going to the pharmacy on the bike and just take the car. It's not worth the stress level of having to deal with this sort of thing. :(

And Trek is right. I'm not a small person but this guy was drunk. His judgement was highly impaired. :/

Trek, btw, I was on my Bianchi and not on Silver. She was tucked safely at home on the trainer. :) I wouldn't even dream of letting her be locked up for a moment without my eyes on her just about every moment. :eek: I have to take extra care with her whereas the Bianchi, she's tough and can take care of herself. :)

Mel

[Trek420]

Melody sez

"I'm gotten into the habit now of carrying a whistle"

good idea. whole lotta noise is good defense.

"I'll probably stop going to the pharmacy on the bike and just take the car. It's not worth the stress level of having to deal with this sort of thing. :("

I can understand that. I hate it hate it hate it when anything makes us not wanna ride. Like the weather today. Aaaaargh. hate it hate it hate it. Surfs off to get new rain jacket.

Anyway if we stop doing the things we love...they win! Don't let the moron get you down, Mel.

"this guy was drunk. His judgement was highly impaired. :/"

more important his tolerance for pain is high. So your best self defense options would be-

keep a safe distance away and...
get away and....
draw attention and....
call cops, manager, security etc

Beating him to a senseless blathering bloody pulp might not work. :cool: tempting as that would be ;) I for one would never want to do that.

OT that's one of the many things I like about Aikido is that inflicting pain is not a factor or even used (much) although it is an available option :)

On the mat I often tell beginners that we don't tap (tapping is the visual equivelant of crying uncle in a pin. we don't want to hurt our training partners at all. We need 'em. heh. So you tap at the point it's a stretch) anyway we don't tap because it hurts...tap because you can't get up or out of the pin.

The object of most techniques is that they are imobile.

I used to train with a guy who was a hospital orderly and a patient showed up in the ER on drugs, he'd fallen asleep on a steam radiator (ewwwwww :eek: ) and became violent.

This huuuuge but very gentle man put the patient in a pin, held him down till Dr.s & nurses could give him a shot....and begin to treat him.

"Trek, btw, I was on my Bianchi and not on Silver. She was tucked safely at home on the trainer. :) I wouldn't even dream of letting her be locked up for a moment without my eyes on her just about every moment. :eek: I have to take extra care with her whereas the Bianchi, she's tough and can take care of herself. :)"

sorta like you! :) :D TE gals I hope we won't tuck ourselves safely away on the trainer, let's ride. Now if this weather would just....

Trek

[bikerz]

Hey Mel -I'm really sorry to hear about this event - it must have been very frightening. My heart goes out to you.

I wanted to let you know about a self defense course I took many years ago after I was assaulted - it's called Bay Area Model Mugging (www.bamm.org). I think they are still based down on the Peninsula, but thay have courses all over the Bay Area..

For me this course was very effective - both in learning specific and effective techniqus that acknowledge and even take advantage of how most women are built compared to men (e.g. lower center of gravity, greater lower body strength than upper body strength) and in learning how to channel the anger and especially the fear from my experience into strength.

I was always afraid that my fear would forever incapacitate me, and that I would never not be afraid, but what I learned and proved to myself was that the fear is also an enormous source of power. I'm sure I'll be afraid if I am ever attacked again, but I'm not so afraid of the fear anymore, if that makes any sense. All the women in my class had been assaulted or seriously threatened by either strangers, dates, or family. Several friends of mine took the course after I did and it had a similar positive impact on them.

I don't know if any of this will be useful to you, but if you'd like more info, please feel free to PM me - I took the course 16 years ago, but from the website, it looks like they are using the same approach now as then.
Take care of yourself and stay safe! Like the other women said - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[doc]

[QUOTE=Melody]
Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm gotten into the habit now of carrying a whistle and honestly, I'll probably stop going to the pharmacy on the bike and just take the car. It's not worth the stress level of having to deal with this sort of thing. :(

/QUOTE]

Oh Mel. Don't stop the healthful, enjoyable, ecological and economical things you would naturally do because of this jerk. You deserve to be able to safely go to the pharmacy by bike. And anywhere else you want. Don't avoid and cut down the things you do. I like bikerz suggestion of www.bamm You can't run scared.

All that being said, you can only do what you are comfortable doing. But be aware of what you are doing. And limiting your activities is not the ideal solution.

This came out preachy and jugemental. I don't know how to make it sound more supportive which is what it is meant to be. I hope you take it in the spirit in which it is offered

[Trek420]

What Bikerz sed. There are similar classes all around. A good source of info is your local police department for reccomendations in your area.

Feel free to PM me also if looking into how to choose one or tell if a school is good.

Martial arts themselves are not about self defense. As well as fitness, body/mind awareness, there's a spiritual aspect and those "ah HAH" moments "oh THAT'S how that works, about time I figured it out".

It's a lifetime thang, no short term about it.

I don't want to be the biggest baddest mofo, at 5'1" that's a good thing. And I never ever want to "use it"...again.

In a good school it will take years of basics to get to anything that could be "used".

So find a good short term 1-2 day class if you want something right away.

Meanwhile I feel that anything and everything we do to make us strong, aware, confident and comfortable in our body whether it's your first Ironman or first time clipless may make you less likely to be "picked" by bad guys. (I say bad guys but it's not always guys).

On the other hand, some days it just doesn't pay to get outa bed :o

But it's not the fight that happens, it's the ones that don't, or do but don't go so far etc. As you become stronger everyday there may be someone who decides "naaah, not that one, not today I won't mess with her".

That's the best self defense there is, the fight that never happens.

So trust your instincts, listen to your gutt and ride on TE gals. My rule of thumb is if situation feels iffy..it is. Better to risk embarasement by leaving than worse.

[PAP103]

The police department in my town offers a Rape Aggression Defense class for women that;s free. Its a national program so it may be available in your area. They teach you how to avoid situations and if you are accosted, how to fight or disable your attacker enough to get away.
www.rad-systems.com

Take care and everyone be careful out there!
Patty

[Duck on Wheels]

Just logged on after being away for a while. What a shock! Melody, you're gorgeous, but this was not a sexual thing. You're also big and tall and strong, so I agree, this guy must've been drunk out of his senses to try hassling you. In fact, somebody that inebriated (sp?) probably couldn't have stood up to you if you'd chosen to stiffarm him off, or worse. Personally, I think you handled it very well! You stood your ground, but in a patiently persistent way, not going ballistic. A good initial non-violent defense. And it worked. Good on you!!!! The release of feelings after was probably not about regretting anything you did or didn't do, but simply all those feelings you had to keep under control during the incident that had to find release later. That said, I agree with a lot of the suggestions about how to avoid similar situations. Stuff like telling the pharmacy what happened and that you'll take your business elsewhere if they can't provide a safe bike rack closer by. I generally don't like the idea of blocking the less fortunate from equal participation in society, but there is a difference between someone we feel sorry for (and therefore also sorry for seeing) and someone who actively makes a nuisance of himself. People who accost and offend strangers should be shown away and if the local police can be trusted to simply "dry him out" in the drunk tank and not abuse their power by beating up on him, then yes, I'd call them.

[ChainsOflove]

Wow that's an awful experience. I would have been really mean and yelled at him!