OT: My world is upside down

[fixedgeargirl]

Long, sad story short, stbx has filed a custody suit against me for our 6 yr old DS :( . He makes twice what I do, his mom owns and pays the mortagage on the house we live in and she owns and makes payments on his car. He makes twice what I do, yet has virtually no expenses. I work part time so I can pick up/drop off DS at school. His mom is paying his attorney. His is the only name on the title of my car. My two custom bikes are *technically* the property of his company. By standard court order, I cannot move out of the house w/DS until the custody order is complete. The way the petition is worded I would have to pay him child support :rolleyes: . I can't sleep, I have trouble eating. At least I got a ride in before I opened the envelope from the attorney :o .

[Running Mommy]

Oh man that just stinks!! I have nothing really to add as far as advice... But I just want to send you my thoughts and prayers. I'll be thinkin about ya! My cousin went through that mess a year ago and it was ugly. Not to mention costly. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! Take care of yourself. keep riding- it will help clear the mind!
Take care!!!
Denise

[Trek420]

fgg, I am so sorry. Break ups always stink but this takes the cake. You are in my thoughts and these things are so tough but it will get better in time.

Do you have a lawyer?

This looks like a good resource too http://womansdivorce.com

+ what others have sed, keep movin'

[pkq]

You are in a really tough spot. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck with it all!

[allabouteva]

That's just so grossly unfair! I hope that things work out when you get to court... Trek420 is right about asking if you have a lawyer...

My thoughts are with you, and hope it all goes well, and that you get to keep custody of DS.

Kindest regards,

e

[Surlygirl]

I'm so sorry. This is what I told my friend going through a similar situation. Get the best lawyer you can afford.

[Lise]

I am so sorry to hear about it all. I can only second what others have said about the lawyer. And to stay active--sometimes the wisdom of the body comes through to the mind in tough times. Best wishes, Lise

[bouncybouncy]

so sorry to hear:mad: i am not here to preach or tell you what to do but i do want to share and hopefully you will have fate...
i did not have a child but i did have the lack of finances to acheive any sort of fair rebuttle (sp:rolleyes: ) my X took my savings and put it into stocks (which i did not have access to...little did i know he had done that) anyway after our divorce i was struggling to get by and WAITING for the money he had promised (haha niave me!!!) it was not that much but it was enough to fill the fridge, give me a little sense of pride and pay my parents back for money i had borrowed to get an apartment...so i went to a lawyer (a good one) and explained my situation...he said i was in a win - win situation!!! something they could garnish his wages for:eek: now, because he was a "good" lawyer his price was high (but not too high!) i was able to get the money, pay my parents back, fill up my pantry, get a 1 year membership to the local gym (i NEEDED some relief!) AND get an old bike of mine tuned up and spit shined!!!! and the lawyer got his share...:D

i do not know your full situation and it sounds like he has quite support in mommy dearest...but hold your head up high and DO try to find a good lawyer who is on your side all the way!!! ***they do exist!!! we are stronger than we we think and you will come out of this a better person if you keep your priorities straight...

good luck and hugs......

[Pax]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. :(

Seems one of the things we women do is try to play nice and/or feel powerless in these situations...I'll third the advice of finding an excellent lawyer.

[doc]

Sending positive, supportive, and cheerful thoughts your way. Hang in there.

[fixedgeargirl]

Thanks everybody! TE has been a great community for me, ya'll are so supportive so I came here with a sampling of my plight. My income is paltry, but just enough above poverty level that I don't qualify for much of anything, including legal aid. As you can see, I am at an extreme disadvantage here.

The beauty of it is that through this I am finding out that I do have quite a support network among the friends I have made in my brief time in this city. They have been generous, supportive, funny and informative.

My heartbreak in all this is that this likely means I won't be able to move back home to Colorado any time in the forseeable future. Leaving my son is not an option. I pine for home every single day: cool air, solitude, mountains, single track right from the front door, my parents, skate skiing....

Thanks for letting me ramble :rolleyes: .

[mtbdarby]

FGG,
You may want to check with your city/county social services. Some states provide free legal fees to those on tight incomes, and at the very least, should be able to recommend a good attorney. Just a thought.

My heart goes out to you. I would have sold the shirt off my back to pay for attorney fees to keep primary placement of my son and it worked. Don't forget to pray - God answers in mysterious ways sometimes, but he always answers. I'll be praying for you and keep us posted.

[bikerchick68]

ah jeez... I SO empathize with you... I got divorced in 2004... I had no friends who'd ever been divorced... they were either all still married or still single... and no one who really understood a lot of what I was feeling... heck even I didn't understand all of what I was feeling... I found this site and joined... it helped...

http://love.ivillage.com/messageboards

scroll down and there are different boards... including one called "Surviving Divorce"... it's other people living thru the same issues, feelings, betrayals etc... hugs, I sure do know how incredibly tough it is...

[DrBee]

Your situation sounds miserable. Just remember that things always work out in the end. Sometimes the road to get there is not so great, but it will work out. Use your local network of friends and try to get a better paying job to help you afford a good lawyer. Eaisier said than done - I realize. Good luck and my thoughts are with you (((:) )))

[ACG]

FGG, so sorry, know that we are all here for you to vent. (FYI)I sent you a private message. I am going thru similar thing, but my kids are old. I am often stressed by it, and like to tell friends who as my how it is going. If I didn't have a bicycle I'd be and axe murderer. Ride your bike, take one day at a time.

[PAP103]

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. I went through a divorce and my x threatened to take custody of my 2 sons. I was a stay at home mom, no money, no nothing. But I had determination! I called the local bar association and got a low income lawyer. The x backed down pretty quickly when he realized that he looked like a total jerk in the court room!

I got custody of the kids, now 20 and 22. Having more money doesn't make one a better parent. It sounds like your x never grew up - he still relies on his mommy for everything - thats not being a responsible parent! Your lawyer will make that known in court.

Good luck with it all. It seems never ending and very daunting but you will get through it! Many thoughts and prayers are with you,
Patty

[maillotpois]

Good luck - hang in there. And definitely get a lawyer ASAP if you can.

[Trekhawk]

Sending giant HUGS your way.

[snowtulip]

FGG, I'm sending you good vibes and extra strength!!! Collectively, I hope it helps you through the tough times.

[sydney_b]

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. [snip] Having more money doesn't make one a better parent. It sounds like your x never grew up - he still relies on his mommy for everything - thats not being a responsible parent! Your lawyer will make that known in court.

+1

Hang in there and maybe ask for a psychological evaluation of the relationship between you and your son and your son and your ex. I had to fight such a takeover attempt once and the psychological evaluation completely tipped it in my favor. Weirdest thing was that after the ex lost, he never contacted my son again. No cards, calls etc. It's all turned out OK, but it was 2 yrs of fighting.

Get an attorney and kick some butt. A mama's boy has to stand alone in court.

/s

[fixedgeargirl]

Thanks, everybody :) ! The initial shock and oh-my-what-am-I-going-to-do have faded and I am moving forward with what I need to do.

[mmelindas]

My ex and I fought in court for 14 years over our two sons...and I became a darn good PRO Se lawyer (do it yourself) and actually won in the end.:D Being poor or low income qualifies you for PRO BONO (free of charge) attorney services and there are also some family law advocates available in most counties who will help you with the paperwork.

If you soon-to-be-ex makes a ton of money, then see if you can get the meanest, most expensive lawyer to take your case and go after HIM for the payment of your lawyer and his!! He will back down quickly because you can ask for him to pay for your lawyer expenses due to poverty or low income.:D

About paying child support, it works something like this in most states:

Normally, the court will be appointing a GUARDIAN AD LITEM who will talk to the kids, and check out both homes, the living situations and will advocate for the children NOT necessarily who makes the most money or who has the best lawyer. The courts lean heavily on the judgements of these Guardian Ad Litem's in deciding custody. Whoever gets residential custody will receive CHILD SUPPORT from the non-residential parent, probably him.

In most states, BOTH parents are responsible for financial support of the children. The custodial parent (most states now have JOINT custody and call it the "residental Parent") gets whatever their portion as a credit..they don't pay anything but it lessens what your ex will have to pay.

It works like this, by my experience (in two states and 14 years of court battles):

The sum total of BOTH parent's income is added together. The amount of child support EACH is responsible for is determined by dividing the income of each parent by the total of both parents' income.

(for example, if you make $1500 a month and he makes $3,000 a month= Add those two together, look on the state support charts for a total of $4500 a month and you'll see support maybe at $700 or more, as just an example, for one child.) Then divide your $1500 by the $4500 and you'll get a percentage and he divides his income by the same $4500. That results in a percentage of support obligation for each parent. For example, mine was 28 percent and his was 72 percent.

So, based on the state set amount of support for a total income of both parents, I was only responsible for 28 percent of the amount because I made about a third of what my ex did, and since I had residential custody, he had to pay me 72 percent of that child support figure which was about $900 for two kids, and I got payments of nearly $6640 monthly.

It's complicated, but you can apply to the child support enforcement bureau of your county or state and they'll help you figure out what he should pay and may even go after him in court on the child's behalf, to make him pay such and such according to this plan. Mine did, and the Attorney General for the county we lived in took him to the cleaners!

It's heartbreaking but just because he has a lawyer DOES NOT mean he will win. The GAL and the judge and support enforcement have a lot to say in determining who gets what and how much.

My heart goes out to you and just take it one day at a time, read up a lot on divorce laws in your state and talk to the family law people or a Pro Bono attorney for advice in how to proceed. :(

I fought by myself as PRO SE in court about 90% of the time and won. I learned the statutes, rules of the courts that applied in my state and cited them specifically by number and section, in court (and even got the nasty lawyer he hired so mad he quit because the judge said I was quoting the law correctly and it did apply and he ruled in my favor!!!) You can sit in court and listen to other lawyers in other custody cases and can probably see the court proceedings and files for free just by asking at the clerk's office.

I learned over time how to properly write my own court pleadings, and responses and got a compliment by a District Court judge (who said I should become a lawyer because my papers were so orderly and well done!!!) It made me strong, resourceful and able in court, in three counties.

One word of advice, (if I may from a mother who has been through more than one divorce, and has kids who were damaged by my mistakes, being vengeful:)

...... don't ever talk badly about your ex in front of your son....it will damage him because he is a child who will quite normally be blaming himself for your breakup, .... emotionally, all kids do, and he will be torn between you and daddy, so don't do that to him, please. It changes who the child is and tears him up emotionally and I had made that mistake and saw the damage in my sons over time.

Be loving, supportive, assure him that both of you love him but cannot live together and it's NOT his fault.... don't let pain or anger make your words hurt that child by criticizing or badmouthing the dad...he will be damaged by it, and if your ex ever tells the judge or GAL about it, you're in big trouble, it will go in HIS favor, not yours.......

I know he's probably a s.o.b. but just don't ever say it in front of the kid.... believe me, God will get him eventually.... I saw my two sons in the end turn against their father and want to have nothing to do with him as adults by his OWN doing and meanness.... What goes around, comes around....it's true!!

Our prayers and hearts are with you in this awful, hard and sad time....be strong!

[mmelindas]

Uh...that'd be $664 not the four digit amount of support....sorry:eek:

[litespeed]

You will survive this because you are strong. Keep your thoughts positive and believe in yourself, even though the odds seem stacked against you. If you start feeling unconfidant, it will bring you down. Always feel in control of your thoughts and yourself. You have support of your true friends, which will help you. Good luck, it is a very hard thing to get through. A bike ride will always help and clear your head. Jump on your bike when you start feeling down. You will always feel better when you get back. Always.

[pkq]

I can vouch for mmelindas and the kid being damaged by one parent badmouthing the other. My mother was so bitter she badmouthed my dad until the very end of her life. My dad was a real idiot. I didn't have much to do with my dad during adulthood because he didn't have much to do with me during childhood. He never sent post cards, never called, never visited, no letters, nothing, after he abandoned us. He also had a bad case of personality disorder. Her badmouthing him made me feel like she didn't like parts of me. After all, I did get some of his genes and influence as a "dad" for six years. I can only imagine what my older brother felt because he looks and acts a lot like our dad.

I didn't blame myself for their breakup, too much, because Momma made certain we understood it had nothing to do with us. As an adult, I think it did because my dad never should have fathered children. He had 8 and didn't raise any of us. He also came from a very strong Southern Baptist, Church of Christ, very middle income family in Dallas, TX. I wonder if he was really bi-polar.

My dad abandoned us in Abilene, TX in 1966 and Momma had no other choice but to return to Louisiana w/ us and live with her mother. That was hard on her. My dad didn't sue for custody. His parents did. Go figure!

I was entering the first grade and got picked at unmercifully by some kids about not having a father. I was scared to death over the possibility of being ripped from my mother. When my grandparents lost the custody battle for all three of us, they sued for custody of my older brother and me. They didn't want my older sister because she "looked like Momma's family." How absurd! That scarred my sister, who is a beautiful woman. I then lived with the fear of being ripped from my mother and older sister. Mid-way through second grade, my grandparents lost their custody battle completely. I was so relieved I couldn't wait to tell my first grade teacher as she made her rounds of the schoolyard. My first grade teacher had to testify about Momma being a fit parent. Those memories are still very painful.

My paternal grandparents were Church of Christ and did all that crap in the name of religion. I still hate religion and the Church of Christ today as a church and refuse to go to one.

Pretty strong emotions exist after 40 years.

Protect those kids. Life is tough enough w/o their dad and his family messing them up.

[latelatebloomer]

FGG, I mostly just lurk these days but just wanted to send you a hug and encouragement. I used to be in a women's support group - most were going through divorice, I was a kid with other problems to hash out. The most important things I remember from those days - take REALLY good care of yourself, now more than ever, (someone who advises me calls it "extreme self care" - to counter the extreme demands on your psyche) and yes, keep investigating how to get a lawyer on your side. There WILL be someone who will help you. Don't be too proud to call the social service agencies - that's why we pay taxes - so there's someone to help us get back on our feet when we've been knocked down. Wouldn't hurt to talk to your local women's shelter/domestic violence center. While you may not have been physically hurt, x is really stealing from you! - and again, you might find some savvy women who can tell you how to get legal help.

A better day is coming.

[wabisabi]

Sorry to hear about this and I hope that you don't get overwhelmed, BUT remember that the standard for custody is the "best interest of the child," which does not at ALL mean the one who can provide the most materially. Courts in most states also have a report on the home as a part of the process, and your involvement with you children and the environment that you provide will be taken into account, so don't despair.

[fixedgeargirl]

Thanks again everyone, for the support :) ! I am going to meet with an attorney today. I fell through the cracks: I make too much for the pro bono program, too little for the reduced cost program. So I am going to meet with a woman who works for a little less than the typical rate b/c she works out of her home.

He says he wants to work it out, to have a happy intact family. I have trouble seeing how filing a custody suit is supposed to foster that :confused: . He also made it clear that in order for us to "move forward" I would have to admit that I made mistakes in my parenting choices and apologize for those "mistakes" :mad: . Basically, agree to do things his way (the way MIL recommends, btw) and everything will be hunky-dorey. No thanks :cool: .

I went through second thoughts this morning in the shower: maybe we can work it out, etc. Then I remembered the years of disrespect, belittlement, anger, negativity, controlling behaviors...you get the idea. And he doesn't just treat me like that, either.

I am upset that I am going to have to move out, that I am going to have the second-rate home, since I can't afford a 3 bedroom single family home on a large lot. He plans on playing the card that the house we've been living in is our son's "home", that him spending majority time with me, in whatever I can afford, will represent the greater disruption.

Fortunately I'm smarter than him ;) , and know more about the law and how it is typically applied. I don't want to dig up dirt on him, but will do so if it means securing the best situation for my son. A lot of prayer can't hurt, either ;) :D .

[Lise]

I went through second thoughts this morning in the shower: maybe we can work it out, etc. Then I remembered the years of disrespect, belittlement, anger, negativity, controlling behaviors...you get the idea. And he doesn't just treat me like that, either.

Oh, fgg, you have my best wishes and support. It's hard, but so necessary, to remember, remember clearly the fear, anxiety, numbness, and shame I felt with my abusive ex. There are some happy memories and a lot of wishful thinking time that my brain wants to throw forward as "the truth". I went through three years of infertility treatment trying to have a baby with my ex. Luckily, unsuccessful. If I'd stayed and "tried to make it work" with that ex, we would have just passed the abuse on to one more generation. What you do now will show your DS how a loving, respectful woman acts toward herself and her child.

You are not alone. One friend recommended, back then, that I look up at the moon at night, and remember all the women who have been where I was, and got free. She said the moon is like a connection point. It's helped me. So glad you've got an attorney. Take good care of yourself.

[pkq]

It really sounds like your STBX has significant issues. Sounds like one is his mother! Keep looking forward, FGG, this man is not his own but Mommie Dearest's. This all sounds real familiar with so many other things I've heard over the years and has odors of my own father and his relationship with his mother. My dad couldn't make a decision without her input and really making the decision for him. He is not a man yet and may never be. My dad never was.

[fixedgeargirl]

I met with an attorney, and am clarifying the course of action I need to take. Too bad it has to be so dad-blamed expensive :( . I can't really complain about his mom footing his legal bill anymore, as my folks are willing to help me. The difference is, I can guess with near-certainty that MIL made the offer to him. I had to swallow my pride and a lump in my throat to ask my dad :( .

I came out of the afternoon feeling pretty powerful and ready to move forward with this onerous process. Felt validated when I read an online horoscope which asked if I had gotten comfortable and complacent and needed to shake things up. It also talked about there having to be a forest fire to make way for the sapplings...so true, so true.

I still don't want to move out of this cute house in this great location and give up the shady yard and the paint colors I picked out and my junky little garden. But that's all neither here nor there when I feel I can't even fully be myself so as to avoid ridicule.

Stbx has good intentions, just a dysfunctional way of going about how to exercise them. He loves DS deeply, and truly wants to be a major part of his life. He was denied that gift in his own childhood, and he really has a lot of work to do to heal that. First he has to recognize it and want help. I did what I knew how to do in that regard.

MIL, for her part, has been an enabler to her grown sons for a very long time. She is forever catching them before they fall. I admit I skated on that, on her financial generosity, for a long time. I justified it by thinking, "Well, if he isn't going to suck it up and get a real job, at least his mom can help me keep good food in the fridge and spend these irreplaceable years with my child." I need a *kicking myself* smiley to insert here :o . Believe you me, I have analyzed stbx's behaviors and their origins 8 ways to Friday. He'll have to be willing to criticize some of the actions his mother has chosen over the years before he can move forward, IMO. I don't know that that will ever happen, and I can't waste my life and spirit waiting.

As for me, once I am away from this inability to communicate dynamic, I can start to work on my own issues in that regard. Me = meek and afraid to be vulnerable, the slightest criticism burns. Him = interrupts after you've said three words and starts talking about himself and how what you were trying to say affects him. I've gotten better about standing my ground, but I'm tired of having to shout to be heard.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, ladies. My prayers (to the power of my choice) are for a peaceful solution. Oh yeah, and that I win the lottery and can buy a second home in Colorado :p ;) !

[Melody]

Fixed, I hope things work out. Peaceful solutions are definately better but remember you have to protect yourself too.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Mel

[AllezGirl]

Hang in there! I went through a similar situation with my son. I live in PA but my family was in MO, and when we split up, I wanted to move closer to home. So he filed for custody. We wound up working it out in mediation and never had to go to court. (Although, he wouldn't settle anything until the mandatory psychologists report came back, I firmly believe that in the back of his mind he thought I was crazy because I didn't want to be with him) We've actually been able to develop a friendship over the past 7 years. He even admits now that custody was never his intended outcome, he just wanted to make sure I couldn't move that far away and take his son. It has worked out to be a very amicable situation and our son is the one who benefits the most from it! (And yes, his mother is unbearable, but at least she lives in another state)

Just make sure you keep a positive perspective. You can turn a bad situation into one that works for everyone, especially you! You will be surprised at how much strength lies within you! And being a strong, independent woman who isn't a pushover sets a good example for your son, trust me! And for the record, at the time of dispute I had moved with my son into a 2 room apt. and my ex made 4x what I did, but I still was granted primary custody. Your son is young, he needs to be with his mother. Period.

Feel free to PM me anytime.