Mother Dearest,

[smilingcat]

So you want me to move to ****. You say its my hometown? You don't say.

Well lets see, I lived in that town for a grand total of 5 maybe 6 years. Last time I remember of living in **** was 39 years ago. Family moved away to **** then I got so sick of being moved around so much, I dropped out of high school in my junior year to go to an Ivy league school. Didn't even finish my junior year of high school (two separate high school in year and half and third looming on the horizon). And you want me to call **** as my hometown? Well I'll be.

So you did move back to **** where I spend 5/6 years. And you've lived there ever since. **** maybe its your home town in a way; but, for moi? not so much. I didn't like that town anyway. It's the desert. I don't like 100+ heat month at a time. I don't like having to use an oven mitt to open a car door in the summer... And I surely hated getting my arse burnt on car seat. You need to put a white terry cloth towel on the seat.

I don't have a home town. I don't know a thing about homecoming. i don't know what its like to have or had long term friends growing up. What is that like? But I can tell you what its like having attended 5 elementary school as a starter...

I do love you very much but I can't just drop my farm, quit everything to move to where you live so that its like the old days when it was still familia. Not happening. Besides, I've known too many women friends who did just that to take care of their aging parents. And when the aging parents died, my friends I knew became destitute. I'm not going to make that mistake.

so why the venting? Some of you at some point in time maybe requested by their aging parents to drop everything, stop your life, uproot yourselves to go take care of your aging parents. DON'T!! Have them move closer to you. Yes there will be lot of guilt trips heaped upon you for not moving to where they live. Don't cave in and ruin your life. If they say they don't want to move to where you live. Well, it goes both ways. You don't want to move either or you CAN'T.

Okay so I've aired my dirty laundry... but I hope you don't find yourself in similar predicament. Have your aging parents move to where you live or in a town close to you. They may not like it and resist. But its the only real solution.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((Smilingcat)))))))

Your words hit close to home. Thankfully my middle sister took care of my dad. I visited a few times, my youngest sister has very little contact at all. Don't know what might happen with my mom - she just remarried a much younger man, but it's his third marriage, so who knows if he'll stick around when/if it gets tough.

[ny biker]

It can be a tough situation, with no really good solution for some people. My parents have a friend, a widow who lived alone near them in NY. As her health declined her daughter moved her up to New England near her home. But the woman doesn't know anyone there except her daughter, who is busy with her job and her own life. So she's very unhappy. But it would not have been practical for the daughter to move to NY, regardless of how she might feel about living there in the past.

One of my neighbors moved down to Mississippi last year. He did not want to go. But he had no family in this area. He's retired and still relatively young and in good shape. He'd had knee surgery and found it hard to get help from friends, not because they didn't want to help, just because it's hard to coordinate schedules sometimes. He realized that he'd be on his own if he had a more serious health problem. So he sold his townhouse and moved to the town in Mississippi where his sister and niece live. He told me that his sister had a bit of trouble adjusting when she first moved there to be close to her daughter, but was able to settle in and find friends and activities she liked in time. So he hoped he'd be able to do the same. But it was not easy for him to move. I hope he's doing well there.

[Pax]

We moved my mom home to IL after my dad died, she hated it, but she said she couldn't stay in FL and take care of the house by herself. It was a lose lose situation.

Sure hope we all do better for ourselves as we age, have some system in place, maybe a Golden Girls things (for those of us sans children).

[ny biker]

It is something I think about, thought it's too soon to make any plans. Until recently my closest relatives were almost 300 miles away, but now my nephew has started a new career less than an hour away from where I live. No idea how long he would stay in this area, possibly other nieces, nephews or cousins might end up near here as they begin their careers, and some of my siblings and older cousins talk about moving when they get older. But it is something to consider when thinking about long term plans.

I know someone whose father died last year. The father had been in a nursing home for 6 months, and my friend's mother had been living in a retirement community (apartment building) during that time so she had already moved out of their house. I think all of her adult children (who are grandparents themselves) live several states away. Her sister had been living in the same building for several years, and they both enjoy some of the activities offered for the residents there. It seems to be working out for both women.

[Crankin]

This is why I am not being so quick to move away in a few years. Although I am very social, not sure how quickly I could build up a support system in the Berkshires. Yes, it's the same state, but not home. Once our house gets sold and we are moved into the condo, we will seriously start looking for a second home there, that might become a retirement home. I do not, repeat do not want to ever put my kids in that position, so we will go wherever, to get what we need. But, I like familiarity. I have no idea where my younger son will end up, but I doubt the other one will ever leave Boston.
I don't know how my brother ever had my dad move in with him. He is a better person than me, and i fully admit it. Of course, it was only after my dad realized he needed my brother a bit, and my dad swore he would "behave." He did, but the last 2 months took its toll on my brother.

[PamNY]

Smilingcat, I wish you the best in sorting out this dilemma. I, too, have seen people disrupt their lives to care for aging parents -- and then face disastrous economic situations. I hope you can find a solution.

[Pax]

Smilingcat, I wish you the best in sorting out this dilemma. I, too, have seen people disrupt their lives to care for aging parents -- and then face disastrous economic situations. I hope you can find a solution.

Absolutely! My situation isn't disastrous but I will feel the economic impact the rest of my life, I had so much time off without pay to care for my mom the last two years of her life that my state retirement pay is going to be $50 less a month. Doesn't seem like much, but $50 a month forever plus all the money I lost by not working will matter to me, I don't have a lot for retirement.

[Crankin]

I know this sounds cold, but every financial planner/advice we have received is to not ever do anything to compromise your retirement. That includes paying for things for your kids and your parents. When you think about it, it makes sense. If we end up without resources, then our kids or relatives will be taking care of us, and the cycle will be perpetuated.
My only experience with this was with my in laws. They became incapacitated, through their own refusal to accept in home help for my FIL's dementia. MIL got hurt caring for him, resulting in TBI. He ended up in a locked ward because he was violent, and she went to live in a very nice assisted living facility. They were penniless; time was spent arranging the care and the financials, but no one had to give up their lives. In this case, the state of AZ and Medicaid came through and we were very happy with the quality of care.

[Blueberry]

I know this sounds cold, but every financial planner/advice we have received is to not ever do anything to compromise your retirement. That includes paying for things for your kids and your parents. When you think about it, it makes sense. If we end up without resources, then our kids or relatives will be taking care of us, and the cycle will be perpetuated.

I agree with this 100%. I'm an only child of 2 (divorced) parents who thought I was their retirement plan. Dad went on SSDI early and is now on regular social security. Mom has been borrowing money from other family members for years. I did give her a car I was going to trade in - but that's where it stops (she drives 20k a year and has never bought a car - always gotten someone to give her one). I paid for college (working 3 jobs at some points), and my grandparents did a significant amount of taking care of me when I was a kid. I don't feel much of an obligation to sacrifice my life for my parents (I do take my grandmother to the store and to the doc when I can).

What worries me are the filial support laws (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws). They aren't heavily enforced now - but with the elderly population growing rapidly and fewer having the means to take care of themselves, I fear their enforcement will become more commonplace. Could conceivably make it impossible to save for retirement.

[Helene2013]

I'm "lucky" - if we can even use that words - but for "old age purposes", that both my parents are gone, so are my husband's.

My mom died from a unique heart attack at 65. My dad...I don't know as we "lost" track of him. My parents divorced when I was a young teenager and it was hard on everyone. I "reconnected" with him in my late 20s and all he kept asking me (and siblings) was money for this and that. He would never call for other reasons, and never even came to my home. Long story short, one day I sent him a letter to not ever contact me again if he was only going to do so for money. That a father to me was not only something biologocial....there is a part missing. So he never called back.

My mom was poor, by her choice but we always ended up paying for her restaurant, her car maintenance (she too hardly paid for a car), and even her funeral.

On my husband's side his parent did well, middle-class. But we did have to take care a lot of them while his mom had cancer (over 25 years ago and died from it) and then hubby's dad when he became very sick for 2-3 years (him, his house, etc). But luckily he had money to support his needs. It took a toll on us and it took us over a year, if not more to recup from tiredness, etc.

Many times, we did not travel or do our own stuff to take care of our parents. It's ok. It's part of life, but not my whole life. I do not come from where I've been living and told husband I wanted to move elsewhere and we just could not because he would never have moved an inch too far from parents. I was ok as used to move my whole life just like smilingcat. I don't know what it is to go to one school for 2 years. It would be sometimes 2 schools in one year in different province. And it's not because it was their job that took them elsewhere, well most of the times anyway. It was just that when my mom decided to live elsewhere for the thrill...she would. And when you have no job or not much money, you have nothing holding you into one spot. So nope...not always fun having such parents. Luckily, all of us (3 kids) turned out stable, etc. But none of us have friends from childhood because there was never time to build long time relationship. So for me, at this point, Home is where I am and I will not have an issue going elsewhere and calling it Home again. But until retirement, I don't have plans to go elsewhere but I would not have moved closer to mom to take care of her. She loved to move...so move to wehre I am. :)

[Pax]

... What worries me are the filial support laws (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws). They aren't heavily enforced now - but with the elderly population growing rapidly and fewer having the means to take care of themselves, I fear their enforcement will become more commonplace. Could conceivably make it impossible to save for retirement.

Agreed, we were very concerned about that in IL until I checked with a lawyer and found out there were no such laws/requirements there. My mom and dad lived large and when my dad died at 74, my mom was stuck with a refinanced 30 year mortgage with 26 years still on it (who gives a couple of 70 year olds a 30 year mortgage!!!) and over $55,000 in a second on their motorhome. They carried ridiculous debt and there was no way I wanted to get stuck paying for her bills when she was gone. We don't have debt, so at least we learned a valuable lesson from them.

[smilingcat]

I am very fortunate on a finance. Lets just say that my mother is very secure financially. My sister lives only 10 minutes from my mothers place so all my mother wants is to have her family back together.

And I too am financially secure at the moment unless I totally mess up my farm. I really don't need to be working but I choose to do so. And like my mother I too am totally debt free.

And my sister with whom I really don't get along, is well, lets just say that she failed to launch.

So its not so much that she needs care from me. It's more about living out her dream.

[Pax]

When my mom came home to IL she expected to step back into the life she'd left there 25 years before. But we all had our own very separate lives... I finally had to sit her down and tell her some hard truths, my brother and I will NEVER get along, so no matter how much she wanted to recreate that old Leave It To Beaver life she remembered, it wasn't going to happen.

[nuliajuk]

I'd rather chew off my right arm than ever live with my mother again. Unfortunately, my older brother has talked my sister into doing just that. From a financial standpoint it makes sense, as she's on disability due to mental health problems and can contribute a bit to running the household. From the standpoint of her problems, it's a terrible idea. My mother isn't the exclusive cause of my sister's mental health issues, but she definitely contributed to them. Of course, our brother is blissfully unaware of this - he was the golden child who could do no wrong growing up. :(

[Crankin]

All the more reason your sister should not be there...

[shootingstar]

A sister of mine should get surgery/hysterectomy for a large fibroid (she looks pregnant) at the urging of her gynaeceologist. But no, she is under the pull of helping my mother every weekend. Not healthy.

It gets complicated when one has family members across Canada in different jurisdictions in terms of future care...different laws in different jurisdictions. My concussion earlier this winter proved how important it was to have at least 1-2 local friends/family.

[Crankin]

After reading some of these comments, I greatly appreciate my mom. Not that I didn't before, but as my brother and I have discussed, we had "good (normal) parents."

[shootingstar]

It is something I think about, thought it's too soon to make any plans. Until recently my closest relatives were almost 300 miles away, but now my nephew has started a new career less than an hour away from where I live. No idea how long he would stay in this area, possibly other nieces, nephews or cousins might end up near here as they begin their careers, and some of my siblings and older cousins talk about moving when they get older. But it is something to consider when thinking about long term plans.

I know someone whose father died last year. The father had been in a nursing home for 6 months, and my friend's mother had been living in a retirement community (apartment building) during that time so she had already moved out of their house. I think all of her adult children (who are grandparents themselves) live several states away. Her sister had been living in the same building for several years, and they both enjoy some of the activities offered for the residents there. It seems to be working out for both women.

My concussion injury highlighted to me (at my tender age of 56) how important having 1-2 trustworthy friends or family locally. I agree that wherever one lives, it is useful to have at least 1 local close trusted friend or family member, who has known you for several years and who is physically able to help. This is why I have chosen to live in walkable distance wherever I've lived in whichever city in Canada, close to services and amenities. I can't fathom living isolated in burbs and not close public transportation /key services.

I am within 15-30 min. walking distance to doctor, dentist, bank, grocery stores, pharmacy, library, etc. Though I am car-free, with a head injury you DON'T want to drive during rehab. If I have to take taxi at least it won't cost me a fortune. (though cheaper and easier to take transit train). There are express buses and light rail from downtown that take me to the airport and to the intercity bus terminal within 15-30 min. ride from downtown. Every decade it becomes more and more important to choose to live in a home that is close such services if you want to remain as independent as possible. I know that people think of friends giving them car lifts when they're old, etc. But I disagree and I look to my mother who is now heavily dependent on my siblings to schlepp her everywhere. I mean everywhere. She won't even walk to her grocery store 3 blocks away. She can walk. And there are many people who refuse to walk 3-5 blocks on a pleasant residential street to do an errand.

At work, we had an employee (who is probably over 60), who lives downtown by himself. He fell somewhere at home (?) about 4 months ago and the first person someone could reach on his cellphone, was his work supervisor because that was the local phone number he dialed the most. He has been hospitalized for over 2 months which indicates that seriousness of his condition.

So one of the things told to us at a work safety meeting, was if one lives alone was to give your personal phone number to another employee that you trust even if you don't feel like giving it to your supervisor. In case, you are missing/don't show up for work because you were incapable of contacting the supervisor. Personal phone number is on file in our HR database, but that would take time for someone to track it down in personal information records which there are strict controls for access by any employee except certain HR people. (It is actually controlled by law in Canada..on access to personal info.).

[salsabike]

I always appreciated mine too, so did my siblings. She died when I was 26, and had cancer off and on with aggressive treatment since I was 10. She's been gone over 19 years, now.

Oh, Sheila. I'm sorry. That's pretty tough.

[Crankin]

That is a nice tribute, Murienn. My mom died 2 days after I turned 43. She was only 67, and everyone in her family lives until their 90s. She found out she had an autoimmune liver disease when she was about 55. She got so sick, eventually, that she had a liver transplant, and at one point before that, even spent 2 months in the hospital, to make her condition look "worse" than it was, to get a transplant. That didn't work. About 6 months later, she had the transplant, but she never regained her health, all kinds of rejection issues, and heart issues, resulting from heavy duty meds. Thankful that my kids spent a lot of time with her as young children. One of her last words of advice was that DH and I needed to develop a common interest; our kids were in 6th and 8th grade when she died, and about 3 years later, DS started riding. We found our common interest!
I will feel better when I live past age 67.

[emily_in_nc]

I am very, very fortunate as I have a wonderful mother. She's 80 now (81 on Nov. 2) and still doing very well both physically (for her age) and mentally. She cooks like crazy for us when we visit, and we share a lot of laughs and discussions, though we are very different in some ways since she's never been athletic and doesn't get the cycling, running, etc. I do AT ALL. But we do both love books and good food and birds and gardening, and HGTV. :D Sure, she drives me crazy at times: she can be a bit controlling, a worrywort, etc. But I love her dearly, and I just don't know what I'm going to do without her when she's gone as she is my best friend in so many ways.

[rebeccaC]

But I love her dearly, and I just don't know what I'm going to do without her when she's gone as she is my best friend in so many ways.

me too.....i don't even want to think about her not being here to share a conversation, even a good one about a strong disagreement, and a cup of tea while overlooking the mountains surrounding the family home. my parents shouldn't ever need any financial help but i'd be happy to provide it and my time if ever needed and i'd do it with love cuz of all the emotional support, understanding and unconditional love they have given me throughout my life. at 58/60 and both in excellent health my parents should be around for a long time to come though.........that's always one of my prayers

working with a non-profit, with some of my time....i'm working on more severe dysfunctional families, concentrating on the consequences on the girls/women......the kind of thing my mother instilled in me and would say is good for my soul..

[smilingcat]

embarrassed for posting. Train wreck. move along move along nothing to see here.

Terribly sorry for the post.