Need Interpretation of Male Cyclists' Body Language

[DarcyInOregon]

I am a widow. I was married for 35 years. I am 60 years old. I am an active cyclist with several different groups, a Team Captain, a volunteer Ride Assist and a volunteer for one of the charity ride events. I rode over 4500 miles this year.

I’ve had rides with two different single males recently, one whom I met on a group ride back in May, and the second whom I met on a group ride recently. I am referring to rides that are just the male cyclist and I. The males are both in my age range. I know the first male, have ridden a lot with him in groups or just him and I, but just bike rides and nothing else; I am just getting to know the second male.

Both males have used the same body language that has left me confused and puzzled, because in all of my years of cycling, no male has done this around me before. The male is facing me and chatting, once at the end of a ride, the other time at a rest stop. He slings his right leg over the top bar of his bike, and while still facing me, his right leg is jerking up and down rapidly, and sometimes with a wig-wagging right and left motion, the torso is twitching, and the neck is swiveling back and forth. It displays to me as very nervous agitated behavior and I don’t know why. I am calm and relaxed, and I can’t figure out why the male gets so nervous. The first male, he was chatting and saying some confusing things that I didn't quite understand. The second male, we were chatting however the conversation made sense.

Can somebody give me a rational explanation?

[malkin]

I don't know if this response is rational, but I just read your post to my husband who said, "That's creepy."

[rebeccaC]

attention to a cramp in the calf/foot etc.??…..needing a restroom? I'd just ask if they were okay and see how they responded.

[thekarens]

I often bounce my foot even when I'm in a relaxed setting and it's usually because I'm restless and/or anxious. It has nothing to do with the other person. It's just the way I am sometimes.

[DarcyInOregon]

No, I don't think it is a need for a restroom. Most male cyclists are comfortable about announcing this need. And it didn't have anything to do with a cramp because the head was swiveling and the torso was twitching too, all while facing me and talking to me.

I always have good body language, comfortable and relaxed. I don't understand why two different single males of the same age exhibited nervous behavior while talking to me. It just doesn't make any sense. The first time I dismissed it as odd. But when I got the exact same behavior from a second male, I started to think about it and realized I have no idea what it means. In all of my years of cycling, I've never had a male swing their right leg over the frame of their bike while talking to me. Then with the rapid movement of the right leg, the neck swiveling and the torso twitching, it was a lot to take in while facing someone and engaging in conversation.

Maybe it is creepy. I don't know.

[OakLeaf]

Restless leg syndrome? My husband doesn't ride, so I can't directly compare, but he's always bouncing or twitching some body part? I have to restrain him at the movies so he doesn't disturb other watchers - he is completely unaware of it. He will literally kick me out of bed at night. Maybe it's something like that.

[Crankin]

This is weird.
And, I can't think of any rational explanation. I ride with lots of guys in this demographic and I have never seen it. My DH sometimes dismounts by swinging his leg over the bar, but there's no twitching or head shaking involved.
Maybe they like you so much, it's making them shake :eek:.

[lph]

Well, I'd behave like that if someone stopped to chat with me right before a race or some other event I was physically very prepared for and focussed on. It's not so much being nervous as feeling raring to go, but then feeling "delayed" or thwarted in some way. I don't think someone else being calm would help, rather the opposite, that someone who mirrored my behaviour would smooth it out a bit.

I have no idea of why they would behave like that around you in that situation, though. No particular reason it should be "male" behaviour. I guess you're the only one who would know if there's a reason for them to be nervous or worked up. It could be positive tension, too.

[shootingstar]

I guess one could read into this. But yes, some cyclists have habits if they are excited in an anticipatory way for the bike ride itself --then everyone else around them is a little secondary.

[DarcyInOregon]

Both males ride slower than I do, if this information helps. I have to stay out of my big chain ring and ride only in my small chain ring. I take the lead a lot and pull. The first guy, my first ride with him was a group ride that he joined, a ride I had put together, and he was able to get up to 19 mph by sticking in the paceline, back in position 6, couldn't sustain it for more than a few miles, but he has been trying to bike with me regularly ever since. His second ride with me was three of us, and I pulled for a 5-mile stretch where he achieved 23 mph in position three and he tells everyone how it was the best bike ride of his life every chance he gets.

I was married for 35 years and know nothing about single males. I've only been widowed for 16 months and I only recently came out of my deep grieving period. I got to thinking maybe the nervous body language has something to do with the bike dudes being single and a decade or more out from being with a female. Otherwise I don't have a clue.

[OakLeaf]

Darcy ... I just put your time frame together with the date of your last post before this thread.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband - but I'm glad you're starting to find some happiness again - welcome back to TE.

[Catrin]

Oh Darcy, I didn't know about your loss, I am very sorry. I've no idea what the body language meant from the two men but wanted to give you my sympathies.

[Irulan]

I can't help wondering does it really matter? Seems to me like a waste of mental energy to try and puzzle it out if it wasn't obvious

[DarcyInOregon]

Catrin and Oakleaf, thank you for your kind comments. Irulan, I think I am trying to puzzle it out because I am so new to being single. I just don't understand any of it. Like Bike Dude #1, the fellow I've been biking with since the end of May, we are not dating or anything. Heck, I only came out of mourning about two months ago. But yet Bike Dude #1 is always calling me, emailing me and texting me. Today is Christmas Day and I got over 12 texts from this fellow, long-winded texts too, starting with wishing me a Merry Christmas to begging me to ride with him this weekend to a discussion about late harvest wine, and all while I was at a friend's house. Guess I am more curious if their body language has anything to do with being single or if all male cyclists do this, even though I never observed it until biking with these single guys, and if it ties in somehow with all of this communication, at least with respect to Bike Dude #1.

[Crankin]

Ah, dating is not defined the same way it was when you and I were in our teens and twenties. Bike Dude #1 likes you. And, he may even think (in his mind) that you are dating, by modern standards.
This still doesn't explain the body language, and as Irulan said, it's probably not worth trying to figure it out. Personally, I would enjoy the attention, unless, of course, you really don't want it (like the 12 texts). You need to set boundaries if you don't want him doing stuff like that. You're in charge!

[malkin]

Yah--12 texts on Christmas certainly sounds to me like he likes you, and that he's lonely. Like Crankin said, enjoy the attention, unless you don't.

As for what the body language means, I think it is curious enough to wonder about, but not enough to worry about.

[thekarens]

That's not necessarily true (though it very well could be) some men are just chatty Cathys. I know a few men like that. They just like to talk. Or he could be bored, lonely, etc. Or he could be looking for a good friend and since y'all have some things in common he's progressing the relationship.

I wouldn't sweat it, just make it clear where you stand.

[DarcyInOregon]

Thanks Crankin. I will forget the body language then, but if it happens with a third bike dude who is single too I will be puzzled for sure.

Can I ask you a question about dating. With Bike Dude #1, when I met him in a group ride I wasn't thinking men at all because I was in deep grieving. Our bike rides went from group rides to just him and I, and we biked a lot out of his town, about 20 miles from me. When I put together a ride, I am about the terrain, get in the hills, get in the distance, keep my speed up, and limit my stops. When this guy put together the rides, it all seemed to be about stopping at rural park benches along with small town coffee shops, so there is always a lot of sitting around chatting and getting to know each other. Eventually I gained some awareness and talked with the members of my all-female training group and they said that the rides seemed real date-like. So I told the fellow one day that we are platonic friends. I had to, I was in mourning and not thinkng about men. He didn't go away and here it is winter in Oregon with temperatures on the bike below 40 degrees and we are getting together and biking, plus all of the communications from him, just about every day. The problem on my end is that all of those chats on the benches and coffee shops and the communications got me to know him, and I've ended up liking him, now that I am out of mourning. I am rather annoyed by it because I think I was wooed and I didn't realize it, never saw it coming, just wasn't thinking men, was only thinking what an odd way to have a bike ride with all of the stops to sit and chat, just him and I. I mean seriously, did anyone else get over 12 texts from a single bike dude on Christmas Day? It is a first for me.

And that is why the body language happening again with the second bike dude who is single too got me worried, that maybe it is an alert for me that I may have to contend with another bike dude who shows interest.

The ride with bike dude #2 was only on Monday. Bike dude #1 introduced me to his Monday riding group. I rode with the group, nice people, though they ride real slow. Then this last Monday I show up for the ride and it is raining of course. Bike dude #1 sent me a text cancelling because he wasn't feeling well. I am standing there waiting for the group to show up and only bike dude #2 shows. I introduce myself, ask him to lead as I don't know the area, and off we go. I beat him up some hills, he pulls then I pull, he beats me up some hills, and at a stop at the top of a hill about 80% through the route is when he exhibits the same body language with the leg gyrations and head swiveling and I go oh no. After the ride bide dude #1 finds that I rode only with bike dude #2 and I get a frenzy of texts from him, then again on Wednesday.

I need to know when a single bike dude thinks a ride is a date versus a ride. I have no clue!

[ny biker]

Darcy, I'm very sorry about your husband. I was searching through some old threads the other day and saw an old post from you and realized we hadn't heard from you in a while.

Re: single men, I have no clue either and I've been single all my life. Many of them do seem to equate interest in conversation with interest in dating/sex. I can't really picture what they were doing, but maybe they were stretching or something? Anyway I agree with Crankin on setting boundaries with dude #1.

[Crankin]

OK, Darcy, disclosure, I'm not single, but I do ride with a group that's mostly 50s and up, and I get a pretty good idea of current relationship trends in my line of work (I'm a therapist).
Believe me, it's natural and probably better to find dating interests through shared interests such as cycling, as opposed to elsewhere. It sounds like #1 was jealous, whereas #2 just wanted to ride? Most of my rides are pretty social, too, even the ones with lots of guys. But, it's the nature of the group I ride with. Even the "faster" group (almost all guys) participates in the lunches and parties. They always encourage me to ride with them, and they'll stick by me if I do. We have a set average for both the regular and faster group, so it's definitely not all about the stats, it's about the fun, though it can be a little competitive. That said, I would not feel guilty or annoyed that you were "wooed." Everyone mourns differently, and wanting a relationship is perfectly normal, if you want it. I say this, because now you find you actually enjoy spending time with guy #1 and there's no reason you shouldn't.
And don't listen others on this, listen to yourself. Many years ago, when I was in my mid thirties, a friend of ours died in a gruesome way. His wife, my friend, started dating fairly soon after this. The gossips were clucking. They really didn't know the whole story, but even without that, she did what she felt was best. And, 25+ years later, she is happy and fine. I know that personally, if my DH died, I would not want to be alone forever.

[OakLeaf]

+1 on listening to yourself. Everyone does grieve differently, and decides differently when they want a new relationship.

A friend of mine was widowed just over a year ago, and she's in a new serious relationship, and her FB posts are full of her adventures with her new beau - yet she still sometimes posts about how much she misses her first husband, and just observed the anniversary of his death. Meanwhile, my mom, who was widowed probably about the same time as you, is very conflicted ... she went to a singles group and met someone who was interested in her, and they've been on a couple of outings, but she can't bring herself to think of them as "dates," and she's been up-front with the guy that she's not ready to think about a relationship yet. In both of those cases - and it sounds like in yours too - if the other party understands that you're still finding your way through your grief and is willing to give you the time and understanding you need with that - do whatever makes you happy.

[malkin]

Thanks Crankin. I will forget the body language then, but if it happens with a third bike dude who is single too I will be puzzled for sure.

No kidding! Maybe it is a local infectious phenomenon. Or maybe they are zombies or something!!




I need to know when a single bike dude thinks a ride is a date versus a ride. I have no clue!

You may never know what the dude is thinking. The important thing is to stay clear about what you are thinking and feeling. It sounds like you are pretty rational and aware of these things already.
Take care!

[Catrin]

It's been so long since I've been on a date that I would have no clue, dating has changed a great deal over the years. Malkin does have good advice, and it sounds like you are very aware of your feelings right now and that is a good thing.

Then again, I've been single for a couple decades now, and I don't expect that to change so you probably shouldn't listen to me :)