Teenagers and sleepovers

[lph]

Since I'm fairly easy to identify, at least over here, I won't go into much detail. But I am curious as to how those of you who have kids, especially teenagers, feel about sleepovers, a friend of the opposite sex sleeping over. At what age do you consider it appropriate, or inappropriate? Would you treat boys and girls differently? Would you expect them to stay in a different room? In which situation or which age would you be ok with them sharing a bed?

This may be quite a personal question, but be as detailed or as general as you like. I'm not expecting us all to agree :-) I'd just like to get some general feedback to think about, really. Thanks in advance.

[Crankin]

Well, my kids never asked for any mixed gender sleep overs, as they were quite tame in HS. But, several times, I came home to find DS #1 "friend-girl" sprawled out on his bed with him, not really in a sexual way, but I am sure most parents would have freaked. My feeling is, if either of them had had a serious girlfriend at age 17-18 (senior year?) and I knew or suspected they were already having sex, I probably would allow it, of course, only after assurances they were using birth control. I would have no issues with helping in that, if the girl's parents wouldn't help. I also would have no issues with a separate bedroom sleep over.
I know a lot of parents would think this was awful, but I'd rather have my kids see me as an ally at that age. I would not treat a girl differently, either. I was, let's say, wild at a young age, and although my parents were very liberal, I am not sure how they would have felt about this. But, my mom did take me to get a BCP prescription when I was 17, under the guise of it being for "menstrual problems."

[thekarens]

I probably wouldn't allow it until they had graduated high school or at least until they were both 18. Partly because of legal issues.

I only have boys so it's hard to say how I'd feel if I had girls.

[lph]

Thanks, both!
thekarens - what are the legal issues? The age of consent here is 16, is it different where you live?

Crankin, would you feel any differently about someone not a serious girlfriend?

It's a tricky subject to tackle. Things have changed since I was a teenager.

[ACG]

I have daughters 30, 23 and 11.

No opposite sex sleepovers as teenagers. Legalities? Not sure by liabilities maybe. Why risk it? If in doubt, say no. Serious girlfriend boyfriend, not a good enough reason to me.
My eldest never ever asked. My second didn't ask until recently, like last year.

The youngest, well, the answer is still no.

[Wahine]

I'm not a parent and my parents whould have passed out if I asked for a opposite gender sleep-over. But I was a step Mom and my ex-husband had two kids, 11 y/o girl and 14 y/o boy when we first met so I got to go through the teenage years with them. My Ex was a developmental psychologist and his philosophy was teaching the children about safe sex at a young age, open communication and helping them be safe. His position was that statistically speaking the majority of teens are sexually active by the age of 16 whether you want them to be or not and you can either be an ally and help them stay safe or they are just going to do it anyway without your input. Having said that, neither of them asked for opposite sex sleep-overs until they were at least 18 years old. Then they didn't really ask, because it just wasn't really a big deal.

[lph]

His position was that statistically speaking the majority of teens are sexually active by the age of 16 whether you want them to be or not and you can either be an ally and help them stay safe or they are just going to do it anyway without your input.

I think he's probably quite right. A sleepover can of course also be just that, an occasion to sleep over and chat. But I'm a little concerned that it could also be felt as some kind of pressure or implicit encouragement to move things along. I know that as a teenager myself I was anxious to show how mature I "really" was, at an age when I was nothing of the sort.

[TrekDianna]

As a lesbian, opposite sex sleepovers would have been no big deal for my parents to handle :)

[Irulan]

Thanks, both!
thekarens - what are the legal issues? The age of consent here is 16, is it different where you live?

Crankin, would you feel any differently about someone not a serious girlfriend?

It's a tricky subject to tackle. Things have changed since I was a teenager.

The age of consent varies from state to state in the US.

[thekarens]

The age of consent is 17 here, but I still probably wouldn't chance it before 18.

When our son graduated he wanted to attend a sleepover that consisted of him and his two best friends, who are girls, with no adults present. I let him and didn't have a problem with it. He had only been 18 for about a week at that time.

[Owlie]

My dad nearly had a heart attack when I brought a male friend (strictly platonic, still is) over to watch a movie and hang out...with a bunch of other people.

I never asked. By the time I had male friends, I was far more interested in actually sleeping rather than having sleepovers. :D It probably wouldn't have been allowed anyway.

Hypothetically, I'd be fine with separate-bedroom sleepovers. Same bedroom...iffy.

[rebeccaC]

Since I’m probably a few years away from having children I can only write about my experience with teen sex and how my parents affected that experience.

My parents taught me emotional intelligent skills throughout my youth, instilled self-confidence and worth, were willing to openly discuss sexual matters and gave me the freedom to form my own opinions and make my own decisions. They trusted me and that trust probably made me more responsible! When I started having safer (I don’t use the word safe) sex it was because I wanted to experience it, enjoyed it and it was without guilt. For your question…occasionally there was sex during a sleepover but sleepovers were usually about being together and enjoying the company of my friends…..well, that's if no one brought drama :)

My mother was and still is always open to any conversation I want to have regarding my sex life.

[lph]

Thank you all! I appreciate your varied and honest responses.

[Crankin]

My position is exactly like the one Wahine's ex had. She articulated it much better. It's research based. But, it's also how I really feel. Although most parents don't want to believe it, kids have sex! My mom was also very open to discussing this stuff with me (heck, it was the late sixties), and that was my model.
Lph, my son slept over a girl's house after graduation. They camped out in her backyard. Of course, he was 18 by then, but neither us or her parents thought anything about it. They were super friends all through high school and then went to different colleges in the same town (she went to Smith, a single gender school, and he used to visit her all of the time there) and remained great friends. I think he really liked her in a more serious way, but I never squashed any of it. Come to think of it, this same son had a mixed gender sleep over after the junior prom. There were 6 of them, who slept in our basement. They were couples, but my son's date was just a friend. They were 16-17 and we drove them to the prom, and they even called us to come pick them up early! DS was driving then, but the rules don't allow people under 18 to drive unrelated teens in the car. I made them French toast in the morning and it was no big deal.

[Melalvai]

My daughter didn't really like to have sleepovers at all so it didn't even come up until her first boyfriend a few months ago. Since she had already asked me about birth control, I just figured they'd be more comfortable in a house than in the back of a car. I don't think his mom feels the same way but I didn't ask her. I think when she stays at his house, they are theoretically housed in separate rooms but they "stay up" all night in his room or some fiction like that.

My parents made some attempt to house the boyfriend in a separate room from the daughter when my sister first brought a boy home but I guess they gave up on that by the time I brought a boy home.

Edit: My daughter was almost 17 when she started dating. I was 18 when I brought my boyfriend home from college.

[Blueberry]

My mother continued the separate room fiction while I was in college, when we had been living together (and supporting ourselves) for 3 years. :roll eyes: I wasn't even allowed to have a boy over to watch a movie, much less sleep over. For many reasons, we still don't have a great relationship.

I think you have received some great advice here - advice I would try to implement if I were a parent. I definitely believe that having early and open communication is key (and was something lacking in my interactions with my mother across the board).

[Irulan]

lph, you asked about legal issues. It comes down to statutory rape laws, which can be applied even if sex is consensual.

If only.... all parents had a model like Wahine's to follow.

Unfortunately, not all parents follow that, as in allowing/not allowing sleepovers without modeling or discussion; sometimes allowing it out of pure parental neglect or self absorption. As in, not paying attention to what is really going on their lives. My parents were like this, so absorbed in their own crap that I was given no boundaries. They were pretty oblivious to the fact that I was 15 and hanging out with guys in their 20s. Or, if they noticed they were too deep into their own problems to deal with it.. You'd think that might have gotten their attention? Hah.
I had the bizarre experiences of twice being told I couldn't sleep over with SO at gay homes because we were straight - one was where my mother lived, another was a friend of SOs. And then SO's ultra conservative parents wouldn't let us sleep over because we weren't married. Granted this was years ago but I've never forgotten the feeling of "just can't win" one.

I feel fortunate in that with my nerdy boys, now 24 & 27 it never came up until oldest son had a long term live so it was a non-issue for us.

[shootingstar]

I'm not a parent but my partner is.

I remember being amazed when his then 17 yr. old son shared his bedroom with his girlfriend (same age) several times.

The discussion on birth control needs to come up sooner, not later, no matter what is decided by parent on sleepovers.

Though hormones are raging then, at the same time, some of these kids hang out in big crowds (at least his 2 kids each did) and have many friends that do lots of (harmless) stuff together. The advantage of 2 near adult teens at home with parents around...is that you know they aren't getting drunk (which can lead to weird/terrible stuff when no parents are around).

I'm sorry to bring in alcohol into this but there have been some highly publicized just awful stuff in the cities where I've lived involving teens.