Totally lost the desire to ride!

[kajero]

Last year I bught my new Ruby Specialized carbon road bike. I coulldn't get enough riding in.

This year it seems the last thing I want to do is get out and ride. I have no interest in making the effort to even get the bike out. We even bought me a Garmin Edge 500 hoping that would help. But seems I just don't care.

I am having serious problems at work and seem to be really depressed. I doubt these problems will clear up anytime soon. I think this may be a big part of it. I just can't let it go.
I am under doctor's care right now and on medication.

So how do I get the desire to ride back?

[Bike Writer]

That's a good question and I experienced something similar this year. I've had a bout with depression coupled with having had open heart surgery in the fall and missed out on last years fall riding season. Both of those things contributed to a much more than usual sedentary winter. I rode my trainer some but not what I should have. Consequently I lost a lot of fitness and added lots of pounds. That depressed me even more. I had to kick myself in the butt to get out the door. I was so angry at having lost so much hard gained ground that I was taking it out on myself. All I can say is that pushing myself has had its reward. My fitness level is improving by leaps and bounds and slowly the pounds are coming off. Yes, I'm angry that I caused all this myself, but the upside is that I am back in control, I forgave myself and told myself that this is a lesson to be learned and that time will pass whether I choose to work on fitness or not. By continuing to work on fitness and regaining lost ground I will be in a better place three months down the road than if I had chosen not to.

In the mean time, I've fallen in love all over again with my bike. It's become my friend and helper again and not my enemy.

Sometimes we just have to push through stuff.

[ny biker]

Everyone's situation is different, but I think many of us go through phases where we're rather do something else (or nothing at all...).

I needed a break this past winter, initially because I just wanted to focus on other activities for a while, then because I was very busy at work, putting in extra hours and just generally angry at a new manager who wastes my time and treats me like an idiot. Things finally calmed down last month and the weather finally warmed up enough to ride comfortably in the evening after work, and I was reminded after my first post-work ride of the year how happy I feel after a nice bike ride.

In your case, it sounds like you need to focus on your health first. Hopefully the medication will start to help. Then maybe try a short ride or two, and see how you feel.

[shootingstar]

Bike Writer gives good thoughts to ponder over.

It's hard at times in life to push ourselves. I ask myself why don't I just join up cycling groups to meet others, etc. I guess I will. There have been some hard times personally in the past few years and if it weren't for my partner who already knew this city (because he lived here for 2 years some time ago) when moved here, I doubt I would have enjoyed anything related to cycling here because the city is more sprawly and has a less developed cycling infrastructure compared to other cities where I've lived.

I've needed space and privacy to grieve, to adjust to major life changes and to a city that culturally, politically, is different from where I used to live. And there's every indication there will be more major changes for myself within the next few years.

I do view cycling as a health saviour, health insurance, etc. during such times for myself. It is not the only thing, because when I can't cycle I have other passions to pursue. I hope Kajero you have a non-cycling passion that you pursue at this time. Then later, you can simply jump onto the bike and go for an errand, just because your heart felt like it and ...because it's easy to do errands on bike. It's not the cycling accomplished, it's the errand, the shopping, bank, etc. whatever you need to get done to live.

[thekarens]

Maybe find someone to ride socially with and do "fun" easy going rides as opposed to training or what I call fitness rides.

Depression sucks and will suck the life out of you, I know. Personally it helped when I forced myself to do stuff, but Lord was it hard.

[Theresse]

I get it, I've been there, and I'm sorry you're going through this. In some of the harder times I feel like cocooning and don't want to go out into the "world' as much. I'm wondering if you could sorta re-bond with your bike by buying one of those contraptions that turns your bike into a stationary exercise bike? Maybe you could ride like that while you watch TV or listen to music. Just a thought. Good luck.

[OakLeaf]

((((((kajero)))))) I think the 5 cent answer to whether it's the depression or something else is, do you still enjoy doing OTHER things you used to like, or is it only the bike?

If you're having trouble enjoying anything at all, then it probably is worth GENTLY pushing yourself a little bit (but never, ever beating yourself up about it when you choose not to ride). And mentioning it to your doctor (I hope you're getting talk therapy as well as medication).

If everything else seems as attractive as ever, but the bike doesn't call to you, then there's nothing wrong with taking a break for as long as it takes until it sounds like fun again.

[Crankin]

I went through this a few years ago, when I was struggling with some physical things as well as career decisions. I've also experienced the regular waxing and waning of my motivation for riding. The thing that helped me during the struggle was trying some "lighter" forms of exercise and trying new things that I thought might help. So, while I didn't ride for a whole fall, I walked outside and I did yoga. A few times, I actually rode to yoga. By the spring, I was riding again, but with no expectation of speed or distance. When summer came, I did a lot of destination rides, like errands, to local farms or the natural foods store. This somehow connected me to things that I hadn't experienced before. I also did most of those rides on my hybrid, not my road bike. My speed was way down, but I didn't care. Last year, I ended up riding less miles than in the past 2 years, I think because the winter had been so warm and I rode through the winter. I did not do this this past winter, and I have a much better attitude.

[IBrakeforPastry]

I go through this too, sometimes. I have lots of exercise videos and many times it's just easier and faster to just workout at home, rather than get all the gear together (clothes, shoes, helmet, water, etc). Sometimes it's physical laziness, sometimes psychological (for me). I don't know how often you ride, but maybe you just need a break from it?

When I'm in one of these slumps, I like to ride my bike to the store, or library - anyplace within a few miles so I won't be gone for long, and I actually have a purpose. I don't need the gear - I just go. Sometimes that little taste perks me up and then sometimes I'll ride around the block a few more times just for fun. I hope you feel better soon!

[kajero]

Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice and suggestions. I thought I was only one on this board who was going through this . . . else why would you post here. Anyway, I understand my situation a lot better than I did thanks to all your replies. I wish I could say more about work but it is the Internet. If anyone wants to contact me via email, perhaps I could explain more.

I am under psychiatrist's care and am on medication as well going to talk therapy. I know I am suffering from major depression. I have had serious episodes in the past but was doing quite well until all this work stuff started. I finally latched on to an excellent therapist. Among other things at work, she pointed out that I still may be grieving for my father who passed away last August. That's kind of a long time to grieve, but maybe she is right.

I don't have too many other interests. I do some sewing and listen to Audio Books. I also read a lot. I know I need to do something physical, but biking was thing I loved. I have trouble finding enjoyment in any other type of activity. I have a membership in a local health club but for the last four months, all I have done is paid the monthly dues. :-(

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice. Actually, what would make me happy right now would be to go biking on a hybrid and do errands. I have tried doing that on the road bike using a backpack but it wasn't all that enjoyable. I used to do errands using my old hybrid, but I hate that bike. It's the one I had the serious crash on and I don't like to ride it. It's too big and, once I rode the road and knew how comfortable riding could be, I don't like to get on that bike!

[IBrakeforPastry]

Oh gosh - I lost my father last August, also. I sometimes feel I haven't started grieving yet. I live about 5 hours from my parents' home so it seems like we'll just catch up next time I visit. Then it hits me. He was one of my biggest fans, whether I took a 2-hour bike ride, or a 2-week voyage, it was always "Go! Have a great time, and take lots of pictures!"

Sorry to throw all that in there. I'm going "home" for a family visit tomorrow, so it's really on my mind. I think you definitely need to get through that first year with all the holidays, birthdays, and special occasions.

Take care - I'm glad you found a good therapist.

[kajero]

Well, after reading all the posts, I forced myself to go for a ride. I have the day off and it is gorgeous out. So my SO and I went out for 2.24 mile ride. I know it wasn't much but I DID IT. I really did like it although it still wasn't enjoyable as last year. Probably because I am so out of shape and I keep thinking about work -- Although your supportive words crept into my thinking a lot of the time and seemd to block out all thougts of work. Just knowing so many of you have been there and were able to overcome it really motivated me. Wait until my therapist hears that! She has been trying to find ways to help me let go of work thoughts.

Last year my longest ride was 63 miles. It's hard to accept I can only go a little over 2 miles, before getting winded and tired, but it did feel good to ride. Hopefully as I keep thinking of all you who have been where I am I will get back in the groove. In the meantime, I am so thankful for your advice and for the blessings of having your support.

[ny biker]

That's great!! Every journey starts with that first small step...

[OakLeaf]

Glad you got out!

And +1 on looking for a hybrid that fits you better. Tooling around on my errand bike is a WHOLE different trip than the roadie, and when motivation is low, it's so much less of a production to just hop on it in my street clothes and not feel like I have to be going any particular speed or distance to make all the preparations "worth it." If you live somewhere that it's safe to ride at night, slap some lights on it and cruise the neighborhood ... I just love running around on my hybrid after dark.

[Crankin]

I don't have my hybrid anymore, but I just love slapping the lights on and going for a "dark" ride. I have an appointment for one tomorrow morning at 5 AM. It's not even that dark out now, but I love seeing the town wake up. I have a route where I go into Concord center, up the "other" hill in town and around by Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, where famous American authors are buried, and back home. It's about 15 miles. Sometimes, I don't do the other hill and it's 12 miles. I love it.

[Dogmama]

Totally understand about depression and crappy work conditions. Hard to realize when you're in the midst - but this too shall pass. Hang in there!

[jobob]

This is a very interesting thread for me. I experienced a great deal of upheaval in my life over the past year (almost exactly a year now!) and during that time my desire to ride has become pretty much nonexistent. I decided not to stress over it -- heh, I had enough to stress over, I didn't need to add to it! -- and I figured my desire to ride might return eventually. I'm not going to push myself to start riding again until I'm good & ready. In the meantime, I'm hiking a lot, and enjoying the beautiful hiking trails near me that I hardly knew existed until now. :o

I hope things look up for you, kajero.

[shootingstar]

Since I am car-free, it's a bit different. If I'm less motivated, I simply more robotic when cycling. It's just cycling shorter distances to do stuff when I'm demotivated. I don't think about it much nor analyze it because the bike ride is so short and I have to get groceries, get to work, etc. I have to eat. That's my motivator. :)

That's great you went for a short spin kajero. Don't look back on what you accomplished as the ultimate benchmark, look forward.

[Bike Writer]

This is a very interesting thread for me. I experienced a great deal of upheaval in my life over the past year (almost exactly a year now!) and during that time my desire to ride has become pretty much nonexistent. I decided not to stress over it -- heh, I had enough to stress over, I didn't need to add to it! -- and I figured my desire to ride might return eventually. I'm not going to push myself to start riding again until I'm good & ready. In the meantime, I'm hiking a lot, and enjoying the beautiful hiking trails near me that I hardly knew existed until now. :o

I hope things look up for you, kajero.

It's been a very interesting thread for me too as I have also had major changes and upheaval in my career life and am in-between career path currently. I know that affected my whole winter and early spring, desire to ride and a whole host of other things as well. I've detailed a bit more about it in my blog but I find it remarkable and also comforting to know that as others have experienced major life changes it has affected their cycling too. We're all different, but all the same too.

[ny biker]

Extreme stress can be exhausting, and mind-numbing.

Today I seem to be suffering from a more acute form of motivation loss. I'm trying to muster the energy to go out for a spin on yet another gray chilly spring day.

[grouch2]

Good for you for taking a short ride.
Depression is difficult. It's so hard to understand why the things you used to love don't even stir an interest anymore. I'm so glad you're doing the medication AND counseling route. It really will make a difference.
Your SO will probably notice a change in you and in your moods before you do.
Take short rides as you feel like it. Take walks or anything else you may feel like to get moving a little. Sometimes just sitting outside can help...
I have depression that can be almost crippling if I don't catch it early and get my meds adjusted. The death of a parent can definitely send you into a tailspin, as can work stress and many other things.
Hang in there. It will get better.

[Scrappy]

+1 on the hybrid. Something ridiculously easy to ride and relax on like a Townie. Also, get on some safe park paths and put some fun/upbeat music on while you ride. Music will help give you energy and help drown out the spinning wheel in your head.

Best Wishes,
Scrappy

[hirakukibou]

I totally understand the struggles of getting on the bike with depression. I have struggled with major depression, severe and chronic, for over ten years. A year ago I lost my father too and then my ex-husband was murdered last September. And as some of you know already, getting on the bike has been quite challenging for me.

My strategy has been to take short rides with supportive friends. I bargin with myself -- I push myself to go out for a half an hour and if that is all I can do, fine. Sometimes I get more inspired and do longer.

I have also been keeping a journal about my relationship with riding and how I feel about it. After I got back from my ex-husband's (who is also my best friend) memorial last September, I could not ride at all without crying. I went on slow, short rides and cried. Then I had one ride where I only cried before and not too much during. It was a beautiful day! It was a breakthrough.

Now, I am able to ride some alone. It is still hard. Part of dealing with my depression has been knowing when to rest and when to push through -- not always easy to discern.

I am looking forward to the time when I feel fully at ease on my bike -- it is worth the effort. Meanwhile, I am trying to be patient with myself and taking each ride one at a time. I am looking forward to riding with Crankin' on Friday -- hope the weather cooperates.

I actually wrote about when to rest and push through on my blog. Check it out if you want. (It's early on in my posts.) www.thepolkadotjournal.blogspot.com

[kajero]

This thread is so amazing to me. It is wonderful reading all the posts and seeing how many of you are/were in somewhat of the same situation and how you dealt or are deaing with it. Your advice, understanding, and stories are wonderful. It is nice to know that other people have dealt with or are dealing with this. Hopefully, I will get back to riding soon. I am really trying, but it just seems so hard to get motivated. It's so hard because cycling is about the only exercise I really enjoy.

[kajero]

Well, now I KNOW I have truly lost my desire to ride. I was hoping by now the work situation would clear up and I would feel like a person again. It hasn't. Anyway, it was a gorgeous morning for riding. What did I do rather than go for a ride? I scrubbed my kitchen floor, washed down all the cabinets, and cleaned all the appliances. (Now you know how bad it is . . . clean instead of ride???? ) After I got all that done, it rained! I have a clean kitchen, but a very lonely Specialized Ruby in the garage. It just looks so forlorn. Maybe I will try to ride again tomorrow. My SO and I are going to attempt it in the afternoon. I wonder if I even remember how to pedal.

It is sad, because I could have gone riding with all my friends today, too! After their ride there was a surprise birthday party for one of them. I just couldn't go. I was afraid my awful mood would wreck the ride and celebration.

[Penny4]

I feel your pain, and understand your lack of desire to ride.

Last year, I was waking up at 6:30am on weekends to go for rides, rushing home from work to go for evening rides....this year, hardly anything. Work has been stressful, depression is hanging over me. The thought of going for a ride is exhausting. Ugh, pumping up the tires, putting the shorts on, filling up the water bottle....all of the sudden it seemed like SO much WORK to go for a ride.

I am so mad at myself because i missed some of the best riding days this spring to lay around in bed and do nothing all day. And now i feel like I am out of shape and can't ride with my normal crew.

However....I did "force" myself to go for a ride last Monday and today. And I remembered why I do it. It is the only time I can really forget about all of those other things that are stressing me out. I don't think about work, or family problems, or loneliness because I am focusing on my riding, and my mind can just be free for a few hours. I only did 12 miles today but i felt great afterwards, and will try to remember that "great" feeling the next time I'd rather hide under the covers.

Like others have said, maybe sometimes you just need a break from it....it's not the right thing for you right now. Maybe cleaning was a good thing for yout today. It's ok to not ride. But I bet your Ruby really does miss you :) Good luck working through things.

[colorisnt]

Baby steps are still moves forward. Depression is a hard thing for anyone to deal with. For me, I just had to force myself to do things or other people had to do it. I would go out and sometimes just be winded to walk down the street. But eventually, I started enjoying it before I even realized that going out or working out was helping. Cycling's contagious, anyway. You're bound to start wanting to go out again if you keep at it. Do as much as you can and that's good enough. Depression is a tough card to be dealt but you appear to be doing a GREAT time actively trying to improve your mood. That's all you can do. Give it time and *hugs*. It's not something that happens over night but before you know it, you will be back where you want to be soon.

[ny biker]

I actually see a positive here. You didn't go for a bike ride, but you also didn't lie in bed all day or sit on the couch staring at the TV. You put your energy into cleaning, which is productive.

I hope you're able to enjoy a ride today.

[shootingstar]

+1 with ny biker.

After all, deep depression often means a person doesn't doesn't want to clean their home regularily (if they are normally a neat person). That's the first sign.
You're on your road to recovery ....a lot more than you think.

Try not to overthink or rationalize our daily activities ...to be you. Be you now. (I hope I make sense.)

I'm not sure why I'm not cycling a lot longer distances regularily so far this year. I do bike daily and coming out of winter season I should be quadrupling or quintupling my daily distances or so, especially on weekends at minimum. But so far not a lot longer ride distances, and I have a lot of excuses if you were to corner me for an answer.

There's a part of me that is a bit calmer and in less grieving turmoil (over my sister's death) with a much more profound awareness that every bike ride I do each time ...is a gift to me. That I still have the ability to ride and enjoy it. When I ride with my partner..it's a double gift for us.

[Catrin]

I am noticing the same problem with getting out on my bike, I've been referring to it as being a weather weenie, but it seems a little more than that. I HAVE been under a lot of stress (both work and otherwise) lately but part of me wonders if it is also related to my many mtb injuries the last two years. Not on the road though, so unsure why this would be related unless it is the association with 2 wheels. I also have other activities that I am enjoying as much as riding so it may be no more complicated than that. After my mtb women's clinic volunteer activities this weekend I am going to start forcing myself to ride more often. I don't think it will take much "forcing" to get through this - I hope! I do enjoy it when I get out there - it is the "getting started" part that is the problem, and then I am satisfied with much shorter rides than at one time.

The others have provided good advice - and sometimes we do reach those times when we need to step back or do something else for a little time. Be kind to yourself and keep taking those baby steps. Good for you for not sitting in front of the TV too much and keep putting one foot in front of the other! Post here as you need to.

[kajero]

Ugh. The manager thinks I might make it. They are keeping me on a leash for 30 days. But I think my depression is lifting. It doesn't have anything to the 30 days. It's raining, but I wanted to go riding. Maybe tomorrow.

[colorisnt]

kajero,

I know the feeling about the weather. The weather makes me depressed, too. I feel too tired to ride today because of all the hoopla yesterday (my roommate had emergency surgery and I had to take care of her, she's been in and out of the hospital for two weeks) but tomorrow the weather will be awful. Why, weather? This summer has been terrible for that!

[kajero]

Uhm, spring was canceled and I am not sure summer will ever truly be here. LOL

[kajero]

My SO forced me out on a bike ride today. He said he couldn't believe he was the one that insisted we go riding! It was a good thing too, or once again I would have just slept on the couch. We biked to the library to get a book they were holding for me. It was a 7.5 mile ride there and back. It is a really beautiful because except for about 3/4 of a mile, it is entirely on trails. We didn't go really fast; I am just too out of shape. I am really tired, but it is a good tired!

[thekarens]

Sounds like a great ride. Glad you got out and enjoyed it!

[ny biker]

That's great!!!!

[Bethany1]

I'm for looking for a hybrid on CL to help with errands if that will help. Can you sell the hybrid you have now to help buy a new or new to you bike? The best thing I did was sell my Mamba after my accident as I never trusted the bike afterwards. A huge weight was lifted up after that.

I hope you feel better soon and are up and riding.

[kajero]

I found this poem somewhere on the Internet. I imagine most of you have seen it, but I thought I would post it for those of you have not seen it. (It's given me something to think about. They extended my probation another 30 days. Ugh. What is with them anyway?)

When the spirits are low,
when the day appears dark,
when work becomes monotonous,
when hope hardly seems worth having,
just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin
down the road, without thought on anything
but the ride you are taking."
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1896

[Penny4]

I found this poem somewhere on the Internet. I imagine most of you have seen it, but I thought I would post it for those of you have not seen it. (It's given me something to think about. They extended my probation another 30 days. Ugh. What is with them anyway?)

When the spirits are low,
when the day appears dark,
when work becomes monotonous,
when hope hardly seems worth having,
just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin
down the road, without thought on anything
but the ride you are taking."
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1896

Thanks for posting, I love this! And is is so true....

[Miranda]

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for posting this thread. I too have been struggling to ride. And the discussion here has been helpful.

I am in pain, to varying degrees, 24/7/365, from my crashes of the last few years. And that permanent damage will be there for the rest of my life. But the worst, is the emotional and psychological. My real life cycling friends just do not get it. The majority have never been thru that situation. That part, of people not understanding, really hurts too.

Besides getting a hybrid that has been mentioned, I instead also own a cyclocross bike. I love the versatility of that sweet little work-horse bike. It's a no-brand-name Nashbar special. It was the same geometry as my roadie, so I knew it would fit ok. And yes, btw, I've crashed bad on that bike too. Sometimes I just ride it the 7/10mi loop around the sub-division. Where I live it is so bike un-friendly, it's hard to find a place to ride that feels safe.

Also, I have taken up alternatives I would have never done before when cycling as I used to, pre-crashes. I've found a relatively safe route to take the dog on a longer walk, 3mi, and I figure that's something, vs doing nothing.

[Dogmama]

Miranda, I completely understand. I have nerve impingement in my neck that causes numbness & pain. It is exacerbated with long bike rides. I've had to accept that my century days are probably over. I, too, am doing alternatives like dog walking & weight lifting (I have osteoporosis too). It isn't as satisfying but there is that part in Desiderata about gracefully giving up things of youth...

And losing the desire to ride - at 5AM it is over 80 degrees and 60% humidity. Ugh.

[Catrin]

I also have had bike-related injuries that have really impacted my ability to ride longer than 45-60 minutes. Thankfully I've found other activities (weight lifting/metabolic conditioning/cross-training) that I like just as much as riding, but I MISS being able to just go out for a nice 40-50 mile ride to explore the countryside. I was in denial for some time in thinking that the only real impact was to mountain biking, but that has been proved wrong. At least I CAN still ride short distances - and the almost daily rain for the last month has meant that I've not been able to ride more than once a week (if that) as it seems to only rain when I've a "riding window".

It is sad that those few people I've ridden with in the past no longer asks me to ride since I've had to turn them down so many times due to these physical issues.

[Miranda]

Miranda, I completely understand. I have nerve impingement in my neck that causes numbness & pain. It is exacerbated with long bike rides. I've had to accept that my century days are probably over. I, too, am doing alternatives like dog walking & weight lifting (I have osteoporosis too). It isn't as satisfying but there is that part in Desiderata about gracefully giving up things of youth...

And losing the desire to ride - at 5AM it is over 80 degrees and 60% humidity. Ugh.

Thanks for sharing, that was helpful, nice that someone else understands...and I had never read that poem before...beautiful.



It is sad that those few people I've ridden with in the past no longer asks me to ride since I've had to turn them down so many times due to these physical issues.

Yes, I know what you mean, have the same thing...I try to tell myself, for some reason, their destiny must not be meant to be mine.

[OakLeaf]

I'm going the other direction actually ... after a long near total hiatus I'm on my way partially back. I don't know if I will ever be all the way back. But since I'm the one with the limitations, the burden's on me to ask my old riding buddies to join me for whatever distance, terrain and pace I feel up to, if I want company. I can't expect them to guess, or conclude anything about the friendship if they get frustrated with guessing wrong.

[Catrin]

I'm going the other direction actually ... after a long near total hiatus I'm on my way partially back. I don't know if I will ever be all the way back. But since I'm the one with the limitations, the burden's on me to ask my old riding buddies to join me for whatever distance, terrain and pace I feel up to, if I want company. I can't expect them to guess, or conclude anything about the friendship if they get frustrated with guessing wrong.

This is a good way to look at it. I've tried this a few times but it doesn't seem like there is any interest in the shorter distances. I am shy (as hard as that is to believe) in person. I try not to conclude anything about the friendship but it is very hard since I never hear from them otherwise. Right now having company helps to get me out the door on my bike, but neither do I want to keep bugging them if they simply aren't interested on my short distances. There are a couple of weekend CIBA rides that I like that have shorter distances, so far they seem to land on days when it is raining...

[kajero]

Uhmm, perhaps my desire to ride has returned -- especially after riding 7.5 miles with the front brake on. :eek: I didn't realize it. I should have because it has happened before. . I had to walk up hills I never had to before. Had to slow way down on the flat parts and took a million rest stops. Most of the ride was done in the lowest granny gear. I thought maybe, because I hadn't been riding very often, I was just really out of shape. I track my rides, but I have no idea how to track this one. LOL. I now want to go on another ride that is not so hard!

Oh, I have had the bike in the shop twice for this problem. There doesn't seem to a permanent fix. I just have to remember to check it when we take the bike of the bike rack. That seems to be when it happens.