Deep Depression

[VeganBikeChick]

Just wanted to get some feedback from you ladies. I've been talking with my best friend but even she's getting tired of my calls.

I fear I'm in a deep depression. I've never felt so sad and alone before. It's an effort just to get to work everyday; forget about doing the dishes or cleaning (doesn't look like Hoarders yet!). Moved here to CO about 8 months ago from Seattle - had visited CO a couple times and fell in love with the sun and scenery. Part of the issue is that right after I moved here, I met a guy and we started dating. I fell head over heels - he's quite eccentric and doesn't behave like a "normal" boyfriend would. I've become codependent on him for my happiness and know it's SO unhealthy, but I can't seem to meet any women my age here. I just want to have a girls' night out or hang out at a friend's, but know no one. Moved here literally not knowing a soul. My coworkers are nice, but all of them are married/paired and don't do anything outside of work. I feel great when I'm with my guy, but know in my heart we're not meant to be long-term, and am more than depressed when we're not together. Ending things has me terrified, as he's the only one I have for company.

I want to move back to Seattle - all of my friends live there. I've left there 3x and moved back 3x. This would be the 4th. I keep leaving because of the gray - it really depresses me, but I'm far more depressed here with the sun shining in my face and the panoramic mountains in the background. It's more or less my security blanket, and it's very possible that if I move back, I'll still be sad, but think that the familiarity and my friends around would comfort me. I'm so at unease here - my heart hurts, I cry all the time, and can't summon up an ounce of energy to go do things - unless it's with the boyfriend, then I'm happy as a clam.

I am seeing a therapist about my relationship, and she's trying to encourage me to get out and do things on my own. It's just feels so insurmountable right now.

Thanks for reading my post, and if anyone's ever been to this dark place before, I'd love to hear your coping mechanisms.

[Irulan]

This sounds like a pretty fixable situational depression. This kind is lots easier to fix that the kind induced by trauma, PTSD or biochemical mayhem.

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear your heart /soul is hurting, VeganBike.

I don't know about you, but I tell people (because it's true), living here out in the prairies has not been an easy adjustment. Yes, we get lots of sun year round, even if it gets very cold in the winter with snow. Overall the vibe where I am is quite different from either Vancouver or Toronto --still more conservative than either city even with a smallish rag tag of people who are creative, forward thinking outliers. It IS so different here with the shadow of oil and gas industry over the politics, the economy, etc. People are afraid to speak out long and hard, and loud.

I know what you mean not wanting to clean up at home, etc. (But I know some of it is just me --lazy, not interested in housework. Have been like this for um..decades.) Cycling and doing art are my solace, balm and has been the best way to learn and enjoy the area where I live. I still hardly know anyone close enough to do stuff. Only 1 person and she still doesn't know much about me. But she will in time. Meanwhile dearie and I try to coordinate our lives together across 2 provinces. Thank goodness for Internet, visits and long stays.

As mentioned in previous threads over the years, it can become harder to make new, lasting friends as one gets older and relocates homes in various regions/cities.

Does your boyfriend know how sad you are? But doesn't sound as if he will help you. Does he feel the same ...it won't be long-term either? Because if he doesn't know, it takes a lot of energy to hide this from him. Your worry about this is sucking some energy out of you.

People say well, get involved in stuff, volunteer. True, that's what I did in the other cities where I lived. At this time, I'm only a participant in cycling events here and there which is good enough for me. I will always cycle, but right now if I get involved in "something" it will be totally different than cycling. There are other personal interests I haven't explored enough/grown in skills that lie latent at this point in my life. This is why I do art on the side. Have been dissatisfied with the quality of evening art courses locally. So right now, not sure what to do. (I didn't have this problem in Vancouver and Toronto....they have some long standing educational programs with excellent curriculum.)

I figure if I do a lot of stuff on my own, I might as well do stuff that I'm passionate and happiest at the activities. It doesn't solve expanding social circles matters, but at least I use my own personal time that's productive...for me.

[lph]

To be honest I don't know much about clinical depression, but my gut feeling is that feeling at home with friends and good social relationships is a lot more important to daily wellbeing than climate and weather, even if the climate is "grey and depressing".

[Crankin]

Some people do have real seasonal affective disorder, which is a type of major depressive disorder. Social isolation is a prime symptom of depression, though. Vegan, it's good you are getting therapy, I am wondering what type of therapy your counselor is using? A lot of times people who are depressed respond very well to CBT, as it deals with the negative patterns of thinking that maintain those feelings. Some of the other things I often recommend to adults are yoga and acupuncture. If you can find a Mindfulness Stress Reduction class, that also teaches coping skills that are great for anyone, really, but often give people a sense of peace. This class is often given through hospitals/community education agencies.
Something else that helps to give structure to your day is volunteering. Not something that is a huge commitment, but a lot of the time, helping others helps you take the focus off of your thoughts that are maintaining the depressive feelings.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((VBC))))))))

That's an awful choice to have to make. Lack of sunlight IS extremely unhealthy for body and emotions. But so is lack of friends. I'm not going to offer any trite, happy-face suggestions for "meeting people," for all the reasons you already know - you've probably already done several of them; your therapist has probably already made the suggestions; "meeting people" is not the same as building a deep support network, which takes years; and most importantly, making yourself vulnerable to people in the way that's needed to build a support network is about the last thing a depressed person is capable of doing.

Is going back to Seattle at least temporarily - and buying a light box and some full spectrum bulbs to get you through the day the day - an option? That would both get you away from the BF and into the arms of your friends at the same time. You could take some time to recharge and investigate new places to live, with your new understanding that you need to better investigate the social scene and the character of the people in any place you're thinking about moving.

[Crankin]

The light box really does work. I have a close friend who has been using one for years.
You know, the advice Oakleaf gave about understanding the character of the people/social scene of a prospective place to live is something that we all need to pay attention to. I saw this so much when I lived in AZ. People are often lured by the weather, and think that starting over in a place with endless summer will fix everything and anything. Then, eventually, the same issues start popping up and they are in a place with no family or social support from friends. I am not speaking specifically to Vegan Bike Chic here, but more as a general thought, because I have seen this so many times, it really resonated with me. I've lived in 4 states and the differences in the "character" of each place are enormous. There are some places that I just could not live, even though the environment would be perfect for my outdoor pursuits.

[nuliajuk]

I'm in a similar situation, having been transferred to a different city for work. What I find is, the workplace is rarely the best place to meet friends, volunteering for events put on by clubs is a better place to meet people than by actually doing club events, and yes, being out in the sunlight exercising helps. So does working with my hands - sewing, gardening, etc. There is some evidence that the parts of the brain that experience satisfaction are connected with the parts that activate the hands, and possibly this is why depression levels have been climbing as our lives have gotten easier and we have fewer and fewer things to do at home to feed and clothe ourselves.
You might also want to get your vitamin B12 levels checked. Depression is one of the symptoms of a deficiency in B12.

[shootingstar]

Then, eventually, the same issues start popping up and they are in a place with no family or social support from friends. I am not speaking specifically to Vegan Bike Chic here, but more as a general thought, because I have seen this so many times, it really resonated with me. I've lived in 4 states and the differences in the "character" of each place are enormous. There are some places that I just could not live, even though the environment would be perfect for my outdoor pursuits.

Sometimes people do have the luxury of staying in the area where they love and others, like me, need a job. Which was why I accepted the job offer and relocated. I work for a good employer which at this stage in my career, is key since I have 11 more yrs. before 65. It gets harder and harder to get these types of on-target job opportunities as one gets older especially at mid-life, towards tail end of a career.

What has helped me enormously is my partner who lived here for 2 years who helped familiarize me with the quirky dynamics of this place (getting better, but to me, unbelievably slow to change). I relocated at a critical point in my life and very serious: my sister just unexpectedly died, my father is dying from cancer, I was moving from a city I loved (Vancouver's rain didn't pull me down in the dumps as much as others), and my partner wasn't going to be around all the time. There was a huge part of me that was in shock and grieving in multiple ways. I didn't want to socialize much with anyone new for quite awhile. I am grateful that I work for a good employer. I work for government which gives a person closer spectator/sideline knowledge of what is happening in the city, which engages a newcomer, like me, to the city more quickly.

I knew how different the province is where I am before I moved.

What has been interesting, Crankin, is the regional differences across large countries like Canada and the U.S. I agree that just moving somewhere far, does not solve underlying, long-standing problems.

I agree nuliajuk, that for some people doing regular activities that one loves outdoors and with one's hands, redirects oneself in a different direction and for me, therapeutic.

[indysteel]

This sounds like a pretty fixable situational depression. This kind is lots easier to fix that the kind induced by trauma, PTSD or biochemical mayhem.

I have to wonder if this depression is situational, rather than one caused by biological mayhem. From the sound of it, VBC has been depressed for a while and in a number of situations. Maybe there's something more going on than just a lack of friends and rainy weather.

VBC, have you talked to your therapist about taking an antidepressant? In the very least, it might be helpful in getting you to a better place as far as building some social connections. It takes a while--depression or not--to feel at home in a new place. Also, are you getting regular exercise and are you doing it in a group setting?

[OakLeaf]

Speaking of PTSD, as a cancer survivor, it would be unusual for you NOT to have post-traumatic issues. The only difference between intensive medical treatment and what's commonly defined as torture is that it's supposed to be "good for you," which carries its own psychological burdens because of your having put yourself voluntarily into the doctors' hands. I hope your therapist is sensitive to that aspect of your situation, as well.

[badger]

Firstly, I'd like to offer my sympathies because I have recently been touched by severe depression. Not myself but watching someone I love suffer with it is heart breaking. Because of its fallout, I've started counselling as well as taking a very low dose of antidepressants. It's so low I didn't think it had any effect but I believe it is helping me in my situation.

I also concur that it is probably good if your counsellor practised CBT. And taking some omega 3 with high EPA and I'm sure yoga would be very helpful.

If you think you are codependent on your boyfriend, it probably is a good thing to work on that. A friend was in a similar situation have said that the book "Codependent No More" was helpful.

I hope you can get some help of some sort to help you feel better.

[shootingstar]

You know VeganBike, you might be more naturally socialable than I. Which might be why you'll like to have some 1-2 good female friends locally, sooner rather than later. I was never quite a girls' night out joiner. Friendships for me have been/continue to be one to one, because each good female friend in my life are each quite different in orientation, shared activities and from different spheres in life.

It's not that I've given up, but I know good friendships take time and can't be forced.

For awhile I flagellated myself why on earth did I make the decision to relocate where I am now. Then I sat back and realized: I should take advantage of my experience of living and cycling in 3 different regions of Canada ...and offer that knowledge/experience to others. It is one of the reasons why I blog: though life right now isn't a cakewalk, I want to share the very best that I know and have seen.

[Crankin]

When I made the comment about people relocating to the Sunbelt and taking their problems with them, I would say that most of these people moved by choice, not because they had to take a job there. They decided life would be "happier" in a place with endless summer and then found a job and moved. It would be fine for awhile, but then marital, children, emotional and social issues seemed to come out at about the 9 month to one year mark.
This is just an observation, as I especially saw it as a teacher, with kids moving in from other places. It takes work to integrate yourself into a community. I am a very social person and when I moved back to Massachusetts, it took a lot of work. Most people here stick with friends they've had for years and/or their families. It was worth it, though.
Making friends in AZ was easy, as everyone was new and mostly friendly. However, I have lived in a place I despised (Miami), so I understand the feeling of not fitting in.

[shootingstar]

What does help, especially if one doesn't know anyone well in a newish city/city that's hard to like, is regular contact with loved ones/a friend. The Internet makes it even cheaper these days. I know it's not the same as person in the same physical spot where you are, but if it means providing a sense of personal continuity and equilibrium, keeping relationships meaningful and engaged, then do so. As long as it's a 2-way street/dialogue, giving back to and for with the other person.

Where I am, there a lot of defectors from Ontario, other provinces and some from British Columbia like myself..simply because of a job offer. Calgary is the fastest growing large city in Canada at this time. However that may be slowing down a tad.

The problem is that people are friendly, interested but their commitment to the place/city is not quite there.

[solobiker]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I moved out here (Denver area) 17 years ago and for me it was tough at first. I don't have too many friends mainly because I am a pretty quiet, shy person. I have my periods of feeling in a funk so to speak. Do you have any other hobbies besided riding your bike. Sometimes I have to force myself to do mine and sometimes that helps. What part of Denver are you in? Maybe we could hook up sometime.

[Melalvai]

If you're in Boulder I have a friend who is vegan & a bicyclist. That's not to say you'd be instant friends but you'd have something in common! I know she would be happy to help you adjust.

[ehirsch83]

Send me a message also if you ever want to meet up. I am in Broomfield and moved here end of Sept- so, right around when you did.

I went through depression when we moved here and it got worse with the winter, the lack of friends, my new marriage was shaky,etc. I am now seeing a therapist and also went on some "happy meds" for a little while, but I am now not taking them! I do still need sleep meds though, otherwise I end up with insomnia.

Granted I'm not a veg, but my sister is and I used to be-so I am ubber happy to make a meal with you, meet to eat, grab a drink or go for a spin- or now with this weather- go for a hike!!!

Emily

[Irulan]

Do you need to call them "happy meds"? I find that pretty offensive. In some cases, they can be life saving, or life changing. I have a biochemical disorder that requires me to take antidepressants in order function, much less be "happy", probably for life. I've worked with my Dr. for over fifteen years to try and find alternatives, but medication is what works for me. Anti depressants are a very useful tool for many different kinds of depression, and its a disorder just like any other medical condition. Using terminology like that supports the stigma that already surrounds depression as not a "real" disorder.

[Dogmama]

Do you need to call them "happy meds"? I find that pretty offensive. In some cases, they can be life saving, or life changing. I have a biochemical disorder that requires me to take antidepressants in order function, much less be "happy", probably for life. I've worked with my Dr. for over fifteen years to try and find alternatives, but medication is what works for me. Anti depressants are a very useful tool for many different kinds of depression, and its a disorder just like any other medical condition. Using terminology like that supports the stigma that already surrounds depression as not a "real" disorder.

++1 Thank you.

Vegan - if doing the same thing (relocating) hasn't helped, you may have a depression that is always with you - in other words - not situational. In 12 step programs, they call moving to try to make your life better, "taking a geographic."

In spite of the B.S. stigma about antidepressants, they do help. I've been on & off for over 20 years and am getting ready to go back on. I have done CBT for years, taken an 8 week mindfulness based class that is modeled after Jon Kabat-Zinn. They DO help - however - if you also need a med, then so be it. Do we tell diabetics to suck it up & not take insulin? "Avoid white sugar & exercise & you'll be fine!" I don't think so.

[VeganBikeChick]

I have to wonder if this depression is situational, rather than one caused by biological mayhem. From the sound of it, VBC has been depressed for a while and in a number of situations. Maybe there's something more going on than just a lack of friends and rainy weather.

VBC, have you talked to your therapist about taking an antidepressant? In the very least, it might be helpful in getting you to a better place as far as building some social connections. It takes a while--depression or not--to feel at home in a new place. Also, are you getting regular exercise and are you doing it in a group setting?

Indysteel, thanks so much for your post. I am beginning to realize that no matter where I live, depression is going to follow me. My choices in life have led me to where I am; I can't help but compare myself to my friends who are married, with families, and think how much happier I'd be if I was able to follow in their footsteps. But everything happens for a reason, and for whatever reason, it's not meant to be for me - at least right now. I don't think moving back to Seattle is going to make me any happier in the short term than I am here - I'll have my friends, but my depression will still be there.

My therapist is only a social worker, so not able to prescribe meds - I'd really like to avoid taking them if I can. There's nothing wrong with it, I'd just prefer to go a more natural route - such as incorporating yoga, volunteering, etc into my routine. It's just taking the first step that is so daunting right now.

I appreciate your advice.

[VeganBikeChick]

And since I don't have the time to respond to everyone individually, I'd like to thank you all for your responses and insight. Focusing on me and what makes me happy right now is something I need to do. My depression is my loneliness - Friday nights are especially difficult because I'd love to be out enjoying myself but have no one to go out with. Coupled with a large decrease in my salary with the move, I can't just spend left and right on activities.

I've decided to stick it out here for now - I can't keep running away and think things will be better. Familiarity is comforting but certainly no cure for depression. The boyfriend is a different story. Severing ties will be difficult but I think it will be a huge weight lifted in the long term.

I am grateful to each and every TE'er, you have been such amazing support for me.

[Irulan]

Perhaps it's time to change who you do your therapeutic work with, someone with more training in depression issues, who at least can refer you to someone who can prescribe. Also, consider being open to medication. Sometime it IS what works. If all that "natural" stuff isn't working, then it's time to do something different. If you had a heart condition that didn't respond to diet and exercise, I imagine you'd consider taking the next step.

I was pretty brusque in my initial post - sorry about that. If depression has been following you, there's probably something else going on. I have been depressed my whole adult life, and none of the "natural" routes work for me: it's deep biochemical stuff than endorphins and being sugar free don't really have impact on. Medication made a huge (life changing) difference in my ability to function. This is why I get so annoyed when people talk about "happy pills". It's very dismissive of what is a real problem for many people.

[OakLeaf]

You might also consider seeing a psychologist if you haven't before.

Now, granted right now I'm with a LiSW and doing really well with her. But earlier in my life, before I learned how to (1) feel at all, (2) identify my emotions and (3) verbalize them, I went through way too many LiSWs who just weren't equipped to deal with me. I had my first real progress with a psychologist, who did some testing, identified many of my issues, and helped me to work through them.

As far as meds, I personally think that although your therapist can't prescribe, they're probably the best person to help you decide whether you should consider trying something. Unfortunately, very, very few psychiatrists do talk therapy, so it means seeing both a therapist for your talk therapy AND a psychiatrist for your med checks.

Hang in there. Take good care.

[solobiker]

Everyone has given you great advice. Like many I have had to deal with these issues and it is not a fun place to be at all. I hope you can find what works for you because everyone deserves to be happy. I sent you a pm since I think we live pretty close to each other so we can hook up and have a "girsl" night/afternoon. I have not had one of those in many many many years. Hang in there!!

[solobiker]

Perhaps it's time to change who you do your therapeutic work with, someone with more training in depression issues, who at least can refer you to someone who can prescribe. Also, consider being open to medication. Sometime it IS what works. If all that "natural" stuff isn't working, then it's time to do something different. If you had a heart condition that didn't respond to diet and exercise, I imagine you'd consider taking the next step.

I was pretty brusque in my initial post - sorry about that. If depression has been following you, there's probably something else going on. I have been depressed my whole adult life, and none of the "natural" routes work for me: it's deep biochemical stuff than endorphins and being sugar free don't really have impact on. Medication made a huge (life changing) difference in my ability to function. This is why I get so annoyed when people talk about "happy pills". It's very dismissive of what is a real problem for many people.

Great post!

[Dogmama]

m.

As far as meds, I personally think that although your therapist can't prescribe, they're probably the best person to help you decide whether you should consider trying something. Unfortunately, very, very few psychiatrists do talk therapy, so it means seeing both a therapist for your talk therapy AND a psychiatrist for your med checks.

Hang in there. Take good care.

My experience (just mine - don't want to insinuate anything) is that a psychiatrist can best assess whether or not medication is necessary. I've seen several different therapists and they all have a bias either for or against medication. Even if they don't say it outright, it comes out in the sessions eventually. My psychiatrist doesn't do talk therapy and I don't expect that. But when I describe my depression (like a fog rolling in) and tell him that the episodes last longer and are more frequent, that is valuable information. He also knows my history and that helps him with his decisions. I save the "feelings" part for a therapist.

Often, if you get the major depressive cloud to lift a little, talk therapy can be extremely beneficial. It's difficult to identify patterns that don't serve you well, e.g., black and white thinking, when you're in the midst of depression.

Regarding supplements, I am a believer in supplements and I do take them. But when it comes to my brain, I don't want to roll the dice about the actual ingredients. I belong to a group called Consumer Labs that actually examines the contents of supplements. It's amazing what they find - usually not good. If my multivitamin doesn't contain the claimed amount of vitamin C, that just merely sucks. But if you're messing with my brain, that's another thing. I need all the brain cells I have left & I need them to not be doing the Hatfield & McCoy dance between my ears.;)

[Crankin]

You are getting very good advice, Vegan Bike Chic. I'll just add my 2 cents (or one cent, depending on your point of view), as a therapist who can't prescribe.
No therapist should be "pro or con" medication. It is up to the client to decide for herself, with the help of a medically qualified person. If someone asks me about medication, I give them general information and specific cases where it can be helpful. Then I ask if they would like a referral to the psychiatrist I work with. A solo practitioner (whether they be an LICSW, LMHC, or a psychologist) should have a professional relationship with a psychiatrist or two that they can refer people to. Although I tend to agree with the opinion that Irulan stated, it is not my job to tell someone that they *need* to take medication. In reality, what I find is that when someone is really going through a bad time, they are often open to trying medication (or some other thing they said they would never do). Sometimes, the medication lets you take the first step.
When I was having extreme anxiety a few years ago, I was put on a small dose of an older (non SSRI) anti-depressant, for pain. In fact, it was such a small dose, it didn't even approach the beginning therapeutic dose for depression. Within 4 weeks, my pain was gone, and so was my anxiety. But, I was also doing the MBSR class, acupuncture, yoga, and therapy. I will never know if it was the medication or the other treatments, but I do know that the change was almost miraculous. After 10 weeks, I weaned off of it and have never needed it again. It allowed me to shed my disorted thinking and figure out what I wanted to do.

[indysteel]

FWIW, I have gone the "natural" route, although I hesitate to use that word. I have had bouts of minor depression and a couple bouts of more serious depressive episodes prior to being in therapy. I firmly believe in talk therapy and CBT, but it's been a long road to wellness. In many ways, I wish I'd taken something to ease the process. My thirties, while not a total waste, could have potentially been a better decade for me if I'd taken something.

So, I'd urge you not to rule it out, but either way, look hard for ways to connect to people. I learned that any level of interaction can help, even if it's just a friendly smile at the gym. Volunteering is a great way to interact with people, often for free. Do group rides, go to a yoga class (many studios offer lower cost community classes). After years of loneliness, I learned to look for places and things that inspire community, not just friendships. Are there any interests you have that are served by a group of some kind, e.g., a community garden or co-op. I know it's hard, but challenge yourself to one group event or outing each week.

Good luck; I truly feel for you. I went through some similar stuff myself.

[shootingstar]

I don't know what to say, except over 30 years ago, I did see therapist for a full year during university. There was no meds but hard work on my part. I am indebted to her guidance.

My sister died by suicide and I am dimly aware she did try meds. (after seeing a psychiatrist) for her deep depression, not sure there was a therapist to complement, if any. The depression which she hid so well from her birth family for last 15 years. I know she really would have disliked being on meds: she was a fully trained, licensed pharmacist and had pharmacokinetic understanding of drug interactions. And I knew she voluntarily took herself off when she could. You have to understand: she left the pharmacist profession because she didn't want to contribute to a system (from her perspective) on sometimes over-reliance of drug treatment /substance abuse for certain conditions, when she saw certain patient refills as pharmacist serving patients.

Because she and I are from the same family, and I can only guess some of the major issues that would have caused her depression: I so strongly believe considerable talk therapy with cross-cultural understanding would have been of enormous help to her. Not every therapist has experience in this area of counselling nor may be to establish the right "rapport" with the patient. I seriously question my sister found the right therapist-- but also for my sister if she didn't have enough of the "right" people encouraging her since she hid her deep depression.

Would I want to consider meds? No. I already had the enormous benefit of talk therapy. So I am biased (and deeply grateful).

But sad. I miss my sister --every day.

[shootingstar]

Sorry to be hitting with heavy stuff in above.

As for relocating to different city and being isolated: it is enough of a life change to warrant making more conscious choices of doing things one enjoys and doing some stuff with others. No doubt my mother fell into a depression because of not knowing the language, not having any family member except her husband in a new country, after immigrating.

Support immigrant services in your community also: some of those counsellors are dealing with this stuff too since it can be geographic, cultural relocation big time, big shock (on top of any major personal/family problems regardless of any linguistic-cultural barriers).

[Crankin]

You are right, Shooting Star, culturally sensitive counseling is a necessity in a lot of cases. It doesn't always have to be that you have a counselor of the same culture, but the counselor needs to be aware of what cultural factors may be influencing how a person thinks and how culture may have contributed to the issue. My training was very focused on dealing with these issues, but I still feel like there are some cases that would be best served by working with someone from their own culture. I just had to close a case with a Cambodian teenager. I won't go into the details, but her issues were the same issues I deal with with other girls her age. The difference was the way her family (mom) totally denied/dismissed this girl's symptoms and behavior, which were very risky. There was a huge cultural component there and I couldn't bridge it, even though I am well aware of the issues. Her school is going to refer her family to a different program. There is a large Cambodian community in one of the cities I work in, but there are very few counselors in this community. A few parole officers and DCF workers, but I have only known one young man who was training to be a clinician. So while I feel totally comfortable working with my Hispanic clients and continue to learn from them, I admit I couldn't make much difference for this one girl and her family. I hope they find someone who can help them.

[OakLeaf]

I thought this was really good advice, too. http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-****-together-when-youre

[Dogmama]

Great article!

[VeganBikeChick]

I thought this was really good advice, too. http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-****-together-when-youre

That's great Oak - thanks so much!!

[shootingstar]

There was a huge cultural component there and I couldn't bridge it, even though I am well aware of the issues. Her school is going to refer her family to a different program. There is a large Cambodian community in one of the cities I work in, but there are very few counselors in this community. A few parole officers and DCF workers, but I have only known one young man who was training to be a clinician. So while I feel totally comfortable working with my Hispanic clients and continue to learn from them, I admit I couldn't make much difference for this one girl and her family. I hope they find someone who can help them.

I'm sure you tried your best. You probably can bridge elsewhere with a similar Southeast Asian/Asian based client but the case maybe have totally different dynamics.

[VeganBikeChick]

I think I've figured out what's causing my depression. Came home tonight and was scared to death to be alone. I've lived by myself for 19 years and have never felt like this before. Is it a midlife crisis? Who knows. But I've suddenly thought that what happens if I'm alone now for the rest of my life? All of my friends are married, and I so crave that lifestyle. I want a partner, someone to share my ups and downs, someone to share my company. I feel right now that it will never be a possibility for me and it scares me to death. As it stands now, if something were to happen to me, no one would know until my work looked for me. Coming home every night to an empty place is heartbreaking. I wish I didn't crave physical companionship so much. It's really hurting me.

[indysteel]

VBC, I felt that way for many years. At times, my loneliness felt like a black whole that was going to swallow me whole. It wasn't just that I was single; my family, and my parents in general, doesn't really live me in any sustaining way. The pain that caused was never-ending. I spent many years and many hours of therapy to get to a better place. CBT helped tremendously in recalibrating my internal dialogue. Yoga helped me find some calm in my mind, along with some joy. Together, they helped me detach enough from some very pervasive and powerful thoughts and feelings, for some new thoughts and feelings to take root. I'm not going to lie; that didn't happen overnight. So, the best I can suggest is to stick with therapy for as long and frequently as you can. Build in some form of meditation, mindfulness training or yoga if you're so inclined. The article Oak posted is excellent, too.

[Catrin]

VBC, I totally know what you feel like! I've been single for a very, very long time for assorted reasons that I won't go into here. I too dealt with major depression which was from a serious of major traumatic events and more than a small amount of PTSD. Loneliness is still my constant companion but I've learned ways to deal with it. I am probably more comfortable with myself/in my skin than ever. Very intense exercise and other things help a lot - calmer approaches such as meditation doesn't help me much - but intense efforts serve the same purpose at helping me shut down those internal thoughts. I did go through several years of therapy and while I had mixed experiences with the therapists it was quite helpful. I should have been more proactive about changing therapists before I did, but hindsight is always 20/20. Hang in there!

[Crankin]

Vegan, you did a good thing. I know it might not feel good right now, but figuring out something like you did often is the start of change. You articulated it so well, I can almost feel it.
Shooting Star, thanks for the kind words. I feel like a real failure with that girl. And the thing is, one day we had a little break through in session, but with her mom denying that any trauma ever happened to her, of course she's going to keep running away.
I may be getting another "cutter." I feel like I'm on a tightrope with the one I'm working with now, but so far, she hasn't had to go back to the hospital. I really enjoy working with this family, and I guess my boss takes it to mean I can handle the stress of working with another girl with similar (but thankfully no attachment problems) issues.

[lor]

That was a great article, Oak! Many things on that list I have used or could have used myself when I'm in my low swings. I'm keeping it for future reference.

[redrhodie]

I think I've figured out what's causing my depression. Came home tonight and was scared to death to be alone. I've lived by myself for 19 years and have never felt like this before. Is it a midlife crisis? Who knows. But I've suddenly thought that what happens if I'm alone now for the rest of my life? All of my friends are married, and I so crave that lifestyle. I want a partner, someone to share my ups and downs, someone to share my company. I feel right now that it will never be a possibility for me and it scares me to death. As it stands now, if something were to happen to me, no one would know until my work looked for me. Coming home every night to an empty place is heartbreaking. I wish I didn't crave physical companionship so much. It's really hurting me.

((((VBC)))

I just wanted to give you a hug.

[Penny4]

I think I've figured out what's causing my depression. Came home tonight and was scared to death to be alone. I've lived by myself for 19 years and have never felt like this before. Is it a midlife crisis? Who knows. But I've suddenly thought that what happens if I'm alone now for the rest of my life? All of my friends are married, and I so crave that lifestyle. I want a partner, someone to share my ups and downs, someone to share my company. I feel right now that it will never be a possibility for me and it scares me to death. As it stands now, if something were to happen to me, no one would know until my work looked for me. Coming home every night to an empty place is heartbreaking. I wish I didn't crave physical companionship so much. It's really hurting me.

I feel your pain.
I am in a similar situation (single, all friends married, etc). Last year I had a medical issue and had to drive myself to the ER, found out i needed surgery, and really had no one to call to come be with me. I spent the first night in the hospital alone until my parents arrived from out of state the next day. After 6 days in the hospital, I went home. It took me forever to recover, and that's when a huge bout of depression hit me. I think i had always been mildly depressed and lonely, but this episode was like a giant exclamation point on that fact. Afterwards, i was bursting into tears all the time and was physically fatigued well after the surgery. Finally went to a psych (tried a counselor first and she suggested also seeing a psych). I've been on an anti depressant for almost a year, and it has helped me. The depression is still there, but I'm more stable...more likely to get out a bit more and try to socialize, no more uncontrollable crying.
We all need companionship....it's just so hard to find it. I don't have answers for you, but just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone.

[VeganBikeChick]

Thanks again to everyone for your wise and kind words. I ended my relationship last night with my boyfriend, and as expected am a huge mess right now. It was the right thing to do but feels so wrong and the loneliness, emptiness is painful. I have decided to return to Seattle as soon as I can get my job back. I appreciate everyone listening to me.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((VBC))))))) Good for you for taking that difficult step forward. Take care.

[shootingstar]

Hoping the best for you VeganBikeChic.

[redrhodie]

I think you're making really good decisions. I'm sorry this is so hard. We're all routing for you.

[redrhodie]

And I'm really impressed by your strength. You are taking action. Good for you!

[Melalvai]

And in the meantime go on & meet those people you've been put in touch with. Maybe they'll make your last days in Colorado more enjoyable!

[emily_in_nc]

No great advice to offer but just wanted to send a virtual hug. Please don't think that those of us who are married don't sometimes feel very alone. Marriage is not the answer -- being comfortable in your own skin, no matter what your circumstances, is much more important.

I hope you can find happier times ahead back in Seattle. Take care of yourself.

[VeganBikeChick]

Thanks so much, emily! I just don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself, just see that my friends who are coupled seem to have it so much better. I do realize the grass isn't always greener - as has been true with my multiple moves. Need to be comfortable with myself for sure! Glad you're back in the States. I appreciate your wise words.

[indysteel]

I'd echo what Emily said. Relationships can be lonely places, too. I'd encourage you to keep working on yourself with the hope that you'll either find a happier place as a single woman or that you'll be in a healthier spot by the time you do meet someone. You'll also be much more likely to pick a happy, healthy and functional person as a partner. Remember, the goal isn't to be in just any relationship, but to be in a successful one.

I never really wanted to hear this when I was single--at least until I was ready to--but don't wish your life away. Marriage can be great, but so too can being on your own. I hope you can get to a place where you can believe that.

[emily_in_nc]

Thanks so much, emily! I just don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself, just see that my friends who are coupled seem to have it so much better. I do realize the grass isn't always greener - as has been true with my multiple moves. Need to be comfortable with myself for sure! Glad you're back in the States. I appreciate your wise words.

Awww, thanks so much. Don't know how wise my words are, but as a long-married person who loves my husband but still sometimes feels very alone (the old "women are from venus, men are from mars" can be very true at times), I wanted to express the thought that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Even in a happy marriage, we're all still individuals, and sometimes I crave girlfriend time or alone time more than anything! Just wanted to express that...

I wish you all the best and feel sure you will find things improving in the future. As the old cliche goes "it's always darkest before the dawn".

Hugs,
Emily

[solobiker]

I wish you the very best. I went through multiple moves and it sounds like had the same feelings as you. I hope you can find happiness. Do you know when you are going to move? We should still try to hook up some evening after work. I could always use/have another friend.

{HUG}

[Sky King]

a great resource for many across the nation is Recovery International (http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/) I can't begin to explain the impact of attending recovery meetings on my DH and because of that how it has improved our marriage and our family. We are all huge fans See if there is a mtg close by

[VeganBikeChick]

I wish you the very best. I went through multiple moves and it sounds like had the same feelings as you. I hope you can find happiness. Do you know when you are going to move? We should still try to hook up some evening after work. I could always use/have another friend.

{HUG}


Thanks so much Solo. I had an interview on Wed for my old job, will know if I got it this coming Wed- sounds very promising. I should be packing right now but can't motivate myself to do anything. I'd love to grab some coffee before I go. I'll PM you.

[solobiker]

Sounds good. Good luck and I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[VeganBikeChick]

Just wanted to update and let everyone know I got my old job in Seattle back! I start in 2 weeks. Now the packing begins...who wants to pack for me?:rolleyes:

[OakLeaf]

Great news! Hope the move goes smoothly.

[limewave]

I hope that you are able to find balance and that hope, joy and motivation soon return to you!
There is some great input and advice here. I'd like to share my personal experience if that's alright. I have suffered from depression since the onset of puberty, at times it has been very severe and totally debilitating. I thought it was because of so many things--home life, friends, relationships, situational, etc. And then I thought it might be chemical. I was finally put on a prescription anti-depressant in my early 20's. That really helped. Although I wasn't thrilled with the knowledge I would have to be on antidepressants the rest of my life. Eventually I started going to a naturapathic doctor. And she suggested my depression was from hormonal imbalance. Through changing my diet and supplementing occasionally with vitamins and minerals, we have been able to manage my depression in a natural way that has far better results than the prescription drug. It's truly amazing.

There are times when I have debilitating anxiety--you mentioned having fear of being alone and that's why I'm bringing this up. There was a day where I had overwhelming anxiety and fear of being in an accident, it was so great that I pulled over to the side of the road and I had to have someone come pick me up. A coworker of mine, mother of two kids about my children's age, was killed the week before in a terribly accident. Being unable to manage and rationalize fear and anxiety is a symptom of the adrenal system under duress.

What I've learned is that depression and anxiety are not things that we have to live with on a constant basis. There is help out there. We all experience sadness and anxiety/worry because of changes in our lives or circumstance. But when those feelings become so big they overtake our lives--that's a symptom of an imbalance in our bodies. A doctor is invaluable in diagnosis and resolving these imbalances.

Hugs to you!

[VeganBikeChick]

Thanks so much for your insight, limewave. It's so appreciated.

I'd much rather go a natural route than using medications, and naturopaths are much more available to me after I move back. For now I am on a low-dose antidepressant that I just started a week and a half ago. I don't feel like my depression is any better yet, but realize that meds take time to work.

I think being around my friends, who are my support network, will be an invaluable resource to me as I heal from this difficult time in my life. And my mother is helping me move back to Seattle, so having her for support will also be helpful. On the plus side, I've been getting lots of compliments at work on my weight loss - I call it the "heartbreak hotel" diet.

Once again, I can't thank the ladies of TE enough for all the support and encouragement you've given me. You've really helped me navigate these rough waters.

[indysteel]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Limewave (and so good to see you; we've missed you).

Interestingly, I have an appointment with a nurse practitioner in mid-June to see where I am hormonally. While my primary intention is to talk to her about the hormonal changes I've noted over the last few years that are likely a combination of autoimmune thyroid disease and perimenopause, I have a feeling that we'll touch on mood in general. Ever since Jiffer started posting about it a couple of years ago, I've been curious about what role, if any, my adrenal glands might be playing in my thyroid disease. I'll keep your comments in mind, too.

VBC, I'm glad you're taking some really good steps toward wellness. We're always here for you if and when you want to "chat" about any of this.

[VeganBikeChick]

Hi Ladies,

Wanted to share that I'm back in Seattle. Still going through a really rough transition. I miss the ex-boyfriend with all my heart and am having serious doubts about having moved back, but it is what it is. On the bright side, it's awesome to be back at my old job and have so many people welcome me back with open arms. I have things to do with my girlfriends.

Nights and mornings are the hardest - going to bed and waking up alone. In some respects I suppose I am grieving a death - the death of a relationship that meant the world to me. Everyone keeps saying it'll get better, but it really hasn't yet. I just want to be back to my old independent self.

It does feel good to be back on the bike again : )

[OakLeaf]

((((((VBC)))))) Hang in there. You've made a big transition and it's natural to have regrets and second thoughts. It *will* get better, I have no doubt. Glad you're riding - that makes everything better. :)

[emily_in_nc]

What OakLeaf said. Hang in there. You've got a lot going for you now -- a group of friends, your old job back, a familiar environment. Yes, you have to grieve the loss of your relationship, and you still have feelings there. But you're in a better place overall than before, with a better support system in place.

It will get easier.

[Dogmama]

Stay close to your friends. They can be lifesavers. Things DO get better.

[VeganBikeChick]

Thanks Emily & dogmama. Kind words go a long way.

[solobiker]

Hang in there!! It sounds like you have a great group of people out there to support you. It will get better and please try not to second guess yourself.

[VeganBikeChick]

Thanks so much solo. Your encouragement helps a lot.

[kajero]

Try looking at this site. sparkpeople.com I also suffer from sever depression and the forum, "Dealing with Depression" is so helpful. Plus you get to "brag" about your biking! (or not biking)

[shootingstar]

Zaki:

You stole Crankin's comment from several months ago. Why would you do that and pose yourself as a counsellor??? Imposter.

"

Crankin is online now
Registered User


Join Date:Feb 2005Location:Concord, MAPosts:10,063


You are right, Shooting Star, culturally sensitive counseling is a necessity in a lot of cases. It doesn't always have to be that you have a counselor of the same culture, but the counselor needs to be aware of what cultural factors may be influencing how a person thinks and how culture may have contributed to the issue. My training was very focused on dealing with these issues, but I still feel like there are some cases that would be best served by working with someone from their own culture. I just had to close a case with a Cambodian teenager. I won't go into the details, but her issues were the same issues I deal with with other girls her age. The difference was the way her family (mom) totally denied/dismissed this girl's symptoms and behavior, which were very risky. There was a huge cultural component there and I couldn't bridge it, even though I am well aware of the issues. Her school is going to refer her family to a different program. There is a large Cambodian community in one of the cities I work in, but there are very few counselors in this community. A few parole officers and DCF workers, but I have only known one young man who was training to be a clinician. So while I feel totally comfortable working with my Hispanic clients and continue to learn from them, I admit I couldn't make much difference for this one girl and her family. I hope they find someone who can help them. "

[Eden]

Zaki is a spammer…. she's (or perhaps he…) is just copying out parts of people's posts to have something to fill in above the tag line advertising multivitamins…

[snapdragen]

And Zaki is gone. :D

[Catrin]

Thanks for dealing with this!

[OakLeaf]

... but anyway ... how are you doing, VBC? Hoping the spammer didn't exacerbate your troubles.

[VeganBikeChick]

... but anyway ... how are you doing, VBC? Hoping the spammer didn't exacerbate your troubles.


Oak,

Thanks so much for asking. I'm doing much better, and that being said...I'm moving back to Colorado. It really was my happy place and I'm really looking forward to being back. Moving back to Seattle brought me closure as well as reflecting on what I really want out of life and it was a necessary step in my healing. Time definitely helped me.

[OakLeaf]

I'm so glad to hear you're doing better, and that you have a handle on what each place has brought you. Hope the move goes smoothly!

[solobiker]

Happy to hear you are doing better. Are you moving back to the same area in CO? When will you be back in town? Once things get settled and you want to meet up send me a PM.

[VeganBikeChick]

Happy to hear you are doing better. Are you moving back to the same area in CO? When will you be back in town? Once things get settled and you want to meet up send me a PM.

Yes! Moving back to Denver. I'll be there next week and will be sure to PM you when I'm settled. Thanks so much for reaching out to me!

[solobiker]

Good luck with your move! Hope to hear from you soon.