Work lunch hr.: getting married

[shootingstar]

which is what happened to an employee in our dept. He told no one until the day it happened ...yesterday and casually. So he went off on his lunch break and got married to his GF. No special clothing, etc. They had been together for last 2 yrs. I first learned of it via another employee as I was running around trying to find a better meeting rm. with workable technology. She had rustled up money to buy a collective wedding card for all us to hurriedly sign our good wishes.

Then he decided to take the afternoon off as a vacation day.

It such a surprise to all of us.

But I understand yesterday, being 12-12-12, was a popular day for some folks to get married.

I realize it is no one's business when or where you get married. That love, respect and fidelity is all that counts but still the act of marriage at least deserves a special whole day. Doesn't have to have the wedding dress, etc. but the couple can celebrate it privately with lots of time by setting aside a whole day.

I guess I'm old fashioned...even though I'm not married but with dearie for last 21 years.

[happyscientist]

I wish I had eloped to save the hassle and expense, but it does seem like the type of thing that requires more than a lunch break. There should be a little effort and time more put into it than a trip to the post office.

[indigoiis]

I don't know. It's kinda romantic, actually. Just think, what if he proposed over coffee break, via text?

My M&D met at a dance, then he gave her a ride down to NYC and in the 4 hours in the car they fell in love. Eloped 2 weeks later (she had to break up with her then-boyfriend - who, incidentally, never married and stayed best friends with her til he died a few years ago - she broke his heart!). My folks have been together 53 years.

[Crankin]

It does seem like you might want to take off a whole day, but I am all for these kinds of weddings. DH and I got married 6 months after we met, had the ceremony and small (20 people) party on a Sat. night and we both went to work on Monday. Two weeks later we took a short trip to Sedona from Phoenix. We didn't have the time or money for anything else.
My older son got married on X Mas day 2 years ago. It was just us, her parents, and the JP. Then we went out for Korean food. They had been together for 4 years and life went on as normal the next week. They took a week long trip in February.

[zoom-zoom]

I love it! My sister and her longtime BF just were married in Vegas last night. I was able to watch online. It was NOT the wedding my mom wanted for her, but my mom didn't pay for it.

In hindsight my DH and I wish we'd eloped. What a lot of money and stress for one day. That day that had no real bearing on the nearly 16 years that have followed.

[indysteel]

My husband and I more or less eloped (it was just us and the friend of mine who married us, but everyone knew we were getting married), and although we didn't do it over our lunch hour, I can at least appreciate why someone might do that. We were more intent on starting our married life together; the how, where and when we legally formalized that were sort of incidental. So, while I understand couples wanting to make a big(ger) deal of their wedding day and the romantic and emotional significance it typically holds for a couple and their families and friends, our own wedding day just wasn't a very big deal for us. What came before that day and what has come after, however, is important to us.

[indysteel]

There should be a little effort and time more put into it than a trip to the post office.

But who says there wasn't? My husband and I talked at length about our feelings for one another, what we wanted out of our life together, our respective values and expectations, and the issues, like money, that often trip up couples. We worked (and continue to work) on those issues that had come up in our relationship. In my opinion, that's the effort that matters. The fact that we didn't make a big to-do over the wedding or spend a lot of time planning it doesn't doesn't diminish that. Conversely, spending a lot of time and money planning a wedding wouldn't have necessarily added to it.

[thekarens]

My thoughts are if you want to make a big deal about it you should, but if you don't there's nothing wrong with that. You are proof that ceremonies have nothing to do with commitment.

[Eden]

I've never been big on ceremony myself. I lived with my husband for about 5 years before we married - essentially we were married in every way but legally, so when we did it was not exactly a big step..... We decided we did not want to make it a big deal. We came to the conclusion that the big wedding was for everyone else.... For us we simply wanted to make what we already had official. (Call me unromantic, but I'd have been *fine* with just signing and mailing in the right documents.... I don't think repeating someone's ceremonial words has real meaning) In the end we decided to do for ourselves rather than the family.

My parents were cool with it (they themselves had eloped) My mother in law on the other hand.... I think she still resents me a bit ( as if it were my decision alone.....)

I don't think it's made my marriage any less strong- we'll be having our 17th anniversary in a few weeks.

[zoom-zoom]

My feeling is that big weddings are more for family and friends' entertainment than anything. Given how many couples we know who had lavish weddings and were divorced within 10 years makes me think that some couples lose the true intent of marriage in all the fluff of the "event."

[GLC1968]

I had a big huge lavish wedding and it was a fricken blast. Friends and family are still talking about what a great time it was and we are coming up on our 10 year anniversary. But, I love to throw a good party, so it was fun for me. We spent money where it mattered and made the day memorable both for us and for our guests. And I was very relaxed about it all because I was of the mindset that all that really mattered was that it was the day I was committing the rest of my life to my best friend. Everything else was gravy.

My brother met his wife at the courthouse one day after she got off work and they got married, just like that. No special party, no special dress....he called me 30 minutes later and told me and I was happy for him. Big parties would not have suited her at all, so it worked for them.

To each their own.

Nothing pisses me off more than when people assume that I was more concerned with my wedding day than with my new marriage just because I had a big wedding, unless it's when people assume that no wedding means, no planning or thought went into it. It's as bad as thinking that a guy wearing lycra bike shorts is gay. ;)

[limewave]

Nothing pisses me off more than when people assume that I was more concerned with my wedding day than with my new marriage just because I had a big wedding, unless it's when people assume that no wedding means, no planning or thought went into it. It's as bad as thinking that a guy wearing lycra bike shorts is gay. ;)

^ I concur! Except I'm the opposite. I had a lot of criticism for deciding to get married (a decision we made together--not a traditional proposal) then getting married 4 days later (why wait???). I think people become critical when they are trying to process someone else's behavior/decisions that they don't understand (I've never been guilty of that myself). People are just different. To each their own.

[Kiwi Stoker]

Interesting, often couples of other cultures get married first at a registary office before having their traditional ceremony- I have know both Chinese and Indian couples doing this. I suspect they want to make sure their marriage is legit. There is absolutely no fuss involved, more like a business transaction. Maybe your collegue has something else in mind in the near future?

[indysteel]

Just to be clear GLC--I, too, believe in "to each their own" when it comes to weddings. I have nothing against those people who choose to have a big(ger) wedding--which is why I said in my first post that I understand why people have them and attach the significance to them that they do. I hope my comments did not offend and, if they did, I apologize. To be honest, I would have liked a small ceremony and reception, but the state of my family has skewed my feelings about celebrating things with them. My parents have a way of taking the joy out of things, so not having them there was more important than a communal ceremony.

[Melalvai]

My mom really wanted a much bigger wedding for me, but she was ok with my decision to have a small ceremony with only the immediate family. She organized a picnic 3 weeks later and invited all the aunts & uncles, so she sort of got her way.

I'm ok with any type of ceremony and if a couple doesn't have a lot of money for a big wedding and doesn't want to rack up debt for a big wedding, they are being fiscally responsible and that's a good sign for their future (not a guarantee of course). I liked our little ceremony and it was pretty much no fuss, and we have this nice little story now about how my husband, who is very quiet, took my mother aside and told her to stop bossing everyone especially his future wife around.

If I were to do it again I'd probably let Mom do the bigger wedding for me. I don't really regret having a small, low-stress wedding. But I feel differently about weddings now, after I missed a couple weddings of my cousins because they live too far away, but I was able to make the grueling drive to 3 funerals. There were too many relatives I only see at the funerals, and spouses & children that I only met at a funeral--or the one little girl that I never did meet. I met her little brother at her funeral. :(

I would like to see them at happier occasions. In recent years I have definitely made more of an effort to go to weddings when I'm invited, even if I don't know the couple all that well. I want to have more memories of weddings and happy occasions than memories of funerals.

[Crankin]

I somewhat regret having the 20 people in my apt. and then dinner in a nice restaurant. My only friends there were the attendants. We did not want a big fancy wedding, more like 50 or so people for a luncheon at a hotel. We were too lazy and cheap to plan it and our parents were out of state.
So, I had the tasteful luncheon at a restaurant with a dj for my son's bar mitzvahs. We had 50 at the first and 100 at the second. Mostly friends, ours and the kids. I will remember those and the wedding, well we're still married after 33 years.

ETA: Oops, that should have been 33 years. Yes, my kids are 30 and 27. I was in a rush and on my I Phone.

[GLC1968]

I should clarify - I'm not upset or offended or pissed off about what anyone said here! What I posted is my feeling and response about how people view weddings in general.

As usual, the ladies of TE were much more sensitive to 'different strokes for different folks' than the average group of real-world people usually are.... :)

No worries at all!

[goldfinch]

We lived together for years. Some years ago on one of the last days of the year we got married, primarily for tax reasons. A friend who is a federal bankruptcy judge officiated. Neither of us can remember the date. I think the year was 1986. His parents sent us $300 and that was it for gifts. Our rings came from a pawn shop. At some point my spouse inherited his mother's wedding ring and gave it to me so I swapped out the rings. I lost his mothers ring when I lost weight. One day it wasn't on my hand anymore.

I miss the ring.

[Crankin]

You really don't remember when you got married? I mean, we lived together, too, and I don't put that much stock in a piece of paper, but even if you don't have a big party, the day itself was special to me. I guess I am more romantic than I give myself credit for. People always accuse DH and I of being too "pragmatic," and have taken each new phase of our life in stride and tried not to let ourselves be changed too much.
I lost my wedding ring, too. It was a beautiful, one of a kind free flowing gold sculpty looking thing and one day it was just not there. I think it fell off at the gym. Then my engagement ring got stolen. I had a very plain gold band for awhile and on Mother's Day, 1992, DH and the kids presented me with a diamond infinity band, which I still have. I think the kids were more excited than me.

[zoom-zoom]

Ha, years ago I lost significant weight and for several years had to wear a thing under my wedding set to keep it fitting...drove me nuts. But the sort of puzzle design of it made resizing a difficult proposition. I would have been happy to sell the entire set in exchange for an exotic colored gemstone set in platinum or Ti. I was tired of the yellow/white gold combo. DH would not hear of selling "our" diamond, so I had it reset in a custom setting that I liked better...and it makes use of a tiny pair of diamond studs that had been my grandma's.

[goldfinch]

Crankin, I can come close but not exact. Neither of us can remember if it was December 30 or 31. But looking back the year was actually 1985. We did go to Thunderbay for Vietnamese food and an overnight. :) But no, it really wasn't especially romantic which in some ways is a shame.

[carlotta]

I love reading everyone's stories, and especially those of you who have had less-traditional ceremonies!

We just got engaged (together for four years, lived together for 3+, decided to get married a year or so ago, went ring shopping in Sept, so this wasn't a complete surprise, although I hadn't actually seen the ring) and I/we would really rather have a party, probably with a quick ceremony by a friend, but I have a feeling the parents may not be so happy with that decision. We're not going into debt for anything, and if they offer to pay for xxx, I've yet to decide if it'd be bad taste to suggest that they gift that to us as help for a downpayment on a house down the road-- it just seems kind of frivolous to spend so much on one day (for us, I've been to some amazing weddings and not judging anyone who goes that route, just not our style). Then there's the question of where it happens, we're from opposite sides of the country (Florida/NW, with assorted infirm-ish relatives in each place), most of our friends are in the SW, and we live in the NE.... fun!

So, yeah, I see the merits of the lunchtime post office routine :)

[Trek420]

we're from opposite sides of the country (Florida/NW, with assorted infirm-ish relatives in each place), most of our friends are in the SW, and we live in the NE.... fun!

Easy peasy. Wedding when, how and wherever you want. Then a series of bike tours with party after in other locations for get together with those who can't make the big day. Problem solved by bike :cool:

My parents were married in city hall by a JOP during the war years. No fancy clothes, party, gifts etc. After the wedding they both went back to work at their jobs at Kaiser shipyard building the Liberty ships. They were very happily married over 60 years till Dad passed. We had a big 60th anniversary party.

Good luck to all the happy TE couples. :)

[happyscientist]

We lived together for years. Some years ago on one of the last days of the year we got married, primarily for tax reasons. A friend who is a federal bankruptcy judge officiated. Neither of us can remember the date. I think the year was 1986. His parents sent us $300 and that was it for gifts. Our rings came from a pawn shop. At some point my spouse inherited his mother's wedding ring and gave it to me so I swapped out the rings. I lost his mothers ring when I lost weight. One day it wasn't on my hand anymore.

I miss the ring.

That is hilarious.

As for lost rings, mine is too big because I have lost more than 30 lbs since getting married, so I just moved it to my middle finger. It fits perfectly. My husband was a little annoyed until I showed him how it would just fall off while walking. Besides, he married a nontraditional woman; he can't be surprised if my wedding ring is a little nontraditional.

[Blueberry]

I really see both sides of this. DH and I wanted to get married on the beach, by ourselves. My parents threw a fit, and we ended up having a ceremony that was a huge compromise for their benefit (not what we wanted - and they weren't paying). It was, at least, outside and still relatively small - but not what DH and I wanted. We would definitely do things differently now.

The BIL (who has been the subject of more than one dear-so-and-so post here) is planning a giant wedding next year in a big city - and we're already dreading it. It's what he wants, and it's what his fiancee wants - so that's great. It's scheduled when I probably can't go (class) - but he doesn't even know that yet. But - DH has no relationship with either of their parents for very good reasons. The brother has already told DH to be prepared to be screamed at my the relatives of one parent, and is contemplating inviting the very unstable parent who has very seriously threatened both DH and me (and with whom the BIL hasn't had a great relationship). BIL apparently expects DH to go and endure whatever is thrown at him so that BIL can have the day he wants without apparently exercising any common sense (he's entitled to invite who he wants to invite, but when you're telling a relative to expect verbal and maybe physical abuse - there needs to be a line drawn). BIL hasn't "decided" who he wants as his best man. DH told him to not worry about selecting him. In addition, BIL apparently expects that all of his male friends and my DH will take a week of their vacation and rent him a house so he can have a week long bachelor's party. In the meantime, we're carefully budgeting because I'm in school and we're trying not to borrow money until I'm actually in Medical School. DH is worried about this, and doesn't feel like he can say no, and I'm worried about everything including DH's safety. Gah.

[indysteel]

Jeez, Blueberry. That sounds awful. I sure know what I would do. It includes the words "with regrets, we will not be able to attend." I think drawing a line to protect oneself from verbal and physical abuse is acceptable. If BIL takes issue with that, then oh well. He made his choice as to whom to invite. Life is seriously too short for that kind of toxicity.

I have recommended this book many times, but it bears repeating: The Dance of Anger. It can really help people who are afraid to draw appropriate boundaries.

[Blueberry]

Indy-

I think I need to take your advice and read that book. I know what my answer would be, but there's the whole not wanting to make things worse piece. Bleh.

[MMEZ]

Ironically, I was sitting at work yesterday and around 0830 one of my employees called me (he works the overnight shift) and asked me if I could pick him up at 0945 and bring him to the Rathouse to get married at 1030! The only people in attendance were the Bride, Groom, 2 of her friends, myself and the Registrar. It was short and simple (done in two languages since we speak English, but it is required by law to also be done in German, so that was cool) and they both seem very happy. Unfortunately, she is leaving in two weeks and they won't be reunited until next July/August time frame :(

[lph]

I'm on both sides of this one. I love love weddings, they're such happy affairs, but I also get horrendously stressed at arranging even minor parties, so I would probably just pass out cold early on my own wedding day, if I were to have one. (Now, if someone else could just fix everything, and throw a huge and lavish party with all my friends for us, I'd be thrilled ;-) Anyhoo, we're not married, after almost 20 years together.

But being a rather private person on certain things, I find something very romantic about keeping it all under wraps, and not making any official bustle about it. It really is nobody else's business, and I salute those who are confident with keeping it a completely personal affair. Besides, if you've already done the Serious Talks and decided you want to spend your lives together, the actual ceremony is just about making it official. (Which, for the record, is what bugged me big time about the Twilight movie(s) - they meet, fall in love, and vow to stay together forever and ever and ever and will never leave each other ever ever ever etc - but then he PROPOSES and she falls over herself with happiness. So what was all that about spending eternity together, just random chat?) And some people are allergic to ceremony and just feel it's a necessary evil and an extremely unromantic part of the proceedings.

[shootingstar]

Since the lunch time hr. wedding event, the young couple are planning a big party in their home province for next summer that will be 4,000 km. away from where they live now...for family and friends.


Anyhoo, we're not married, after almost 20 years together.
Well lph, I thought I was the only wierd one in TE forum..to be with my partner, for a long time but not married for last 21 years. The diff. between you and I, is that you have a child from the union. Dearie has 2 (adult) kids from his former marriage.

[OakLeaf]

I don't know why you consider it weird. DH and I have been together since 1994 and we're married in everyone's eyes except the State's.

Now, our anniversary is weird. We celebrate it on the weekend of the race where we first met face to face. Which isn't necessarily on the same date every year. :cool:

[lph]

I don't know why you consider it weird. DH and I have been together since 1994 and we're married in everyone's eyes except the State's.


Which is my sentiment exactly. We might at some point get married, but if living together for 20 years, having a kid for 15 of them and owning our now third home together hasn't proved we're a couple, a paper and some vows aren't going to change anything.
I should add - this is very common here, so not marrying wouldn't be considered weird unless you're extremely conservative.

I like your anniversary, Oak :)

[malkin]

The main reason Brewer and I got married was that at the time we were looking for a new school for DD who was 10 and every time I introduced him, I thought of Cloris Leachman in Young Frankenstein proclaiming "He vas my BOYFRIEND!"

In the midst of this, my brothers were planning a baseball game rendezvous in San Francisco, and I was mad because I couldn't find cheap flights, so I floated the idea (or proposed?) that we drive and stop in Reno to get married.

(Do I need to add that we live in possibly the most conservative state in the US?)

[shootingstar]

I don't know why you consider it weird. DH and I have been together since 1994 and we're married in everyone's eyes except the State's.

Well, Oak I know of no one else face to face who have been together and in love with their partner for over 20 yrs. but not married on paper. I just know face to face, couples who live together for several years and then get married.

So it's nice to know some ladies here who have a long, long faithful union ...who are like myself and dearie, that have outlived some marriages. (His former marriage was 19 yrs. long.)

[Melalvai]

My sister moved in with her boyfriend in 2004 and my aunts decided that a) they finally believe her when she says she's never getting married and b) they want to throw a 'wedding' shower for her anyway. So they threw her a Shacking Up Shower. It was hilarious.

At the party she made a little speech to explain why they wouldn't get married: "We don't need the permission of a government we don't support or the blessings of a church we don't believe in to be in love." And they don't have kids. Kids is actually the only reason I got married, we both wanted kids and thought it might be difficult for them if we didn't have paperwork, so we got married. Plus I think he wanted the ceremony. Of course, you could have the ceremony without the paperwork.

(Sister's BF was invited to the Shacking Up Shower too but couldn't make it. The family's a bit dispersed and it was part of the Christmas get together that year, so scheduling wasn't an option. And possibly he could have made it by rearranging his plans slightly but chose not to. He wouldn't have enjoyed the attention.)

[Crankin]

Wow, this thread has evolved!
I guess I am pretty traditional, in the sense that I wanted to get married. I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, but that didn't play any part in my feelings about marriage. At the time I got married, it was still considered slightly immoral for a single teacher to be pregnant, and I remember a few cases of people being outright fired or being put on administrative leave. Not good.
I have no problem with having a "piece of paper," but on the other hand, I could care less if other people don't have one.

[TrekDianna]

We work at the same university and I got a text that said "My 1pm meeting just got cancelled, want to go to the courthouse?" My schedule was clear so we did.