Reminders- age but different life choices

[shootingstar]

Chatted up with another employee about our holiday weekend (which is now) and our family get-togethers. She is a youngish employee married with 2 young kids, but I think she's tired of having her family live with them (her divorced parents. 2 siblings). She looks forward to some members having their own place which will happen.

I also found out her mother was.....53.

I kept my mouth shut: I am 53. I don't offer up my age to people at work. I just spread rumours I'm over mid-40's or past half a century.

However those at work, I know who will retire in the next 2-5 yrs., mention their age freely.

[roadie gal]

I'm also 53. I'm constantly amazed when I find out co-workers parents are my age. I don't know why but it seems that parents should be older than me!:D

[tealtreak]

it all depends when you have kids (and how many lol)...I am 51 but since my surprise baby is only in 7th grade.....I encounter Grandparents at her school functions that are not much older than I am (:

[Catrin]

I turn 53 in two weeks, and I am far more comfortable mentioning my age these days than I once was. It seems as I "age backwards" and have become extremely active that the number no longer really matters much to me. I agree it feels odd when you run across someone your age who has made much different life choices.

[indysteel]

I have a friend who had her first child at age 39 and another at 41. She doesn't look old for her age. She is probably 20-30 pounds overweight, but that's neither here nor there as far as it making her look older. On more than one occasion, she's been mistaken for their grandmother. As you might imagine, it really bums her out.

I have to admit to feeling somewhat conscious of my age relative to others, in part, because I'm married to someone much younger than. With him, I don't feel the difference all that much. With his friends, I do for sure. We've had reason to see a big group of them lately. Sometimes, I take comfort in being older and, in some ways, wiser and more experienced. I'm arguably in better shape than many of them, too, physically and financially, which soothes my ego when I've feeling "old." We have no intention of having kids, so that creates a disconnect on some level, especially among my husband's friends' spouses. I'm used to that with my own friends though, too. But my friends with kids are old enough at this point to see the green grass on both sides of that equation. So, we usually don't struggle to find a good middle ground.

[shootingstar]

Guess, it depends how one handles stress of parenting and one's personality temperment. Generally speaking I do notice those who try to be more physically active for several years before and after pregnancy, it seems to help them, as well as for the long term. Frankly I'm just impressed by the level energy required to be a parent for more than 1 young child especially as one ages.

What is the age gap betwee you and SO, indy?
Mine is 16 yrs....but he tends to hang around fairly active (cycling) folks around his age. So I genuinely have a warped sense of what 69 looks like. He has 2 young grandchildren.

The only thing that I even share remotely with any 53 yr. grandmother, is that my eldest niece is 26 yrs. old. (From a sister 1 yr. younger than I.) She is the eldest of the whole bunch of nieces and nephews..with the youngest nearly 3 yrs. old. My youngest sister had her first child at 40.

It is a large age range, but kind of neat to see of them interact among one another, within 1 generation.

[indysteel]

DH is twelve years my junior. I'm not sure why, but most people seem more comfortable with the idea of a younger woman marrying a younger man, so I often brace myself for a negative reaction. For us, it was obviously crucial that neither of us wanted children. I will admit to some unease with the age difference as I worry about what the future will hold for us as I age well in advance of him. It is an added incentive to stay active and healty--to the extent I can control such things. Sometimes my body doesn't want to cooperate and tha'ts frustrating. I do know that I already have a leg up on many of my peers in terms of fitness, and my attitude about aging and retirement is important, too. DH's parents had him when they were older, and they're setting a fine example (as is my own father) on how we don't want to live post-retirement. They just seem so much older than they actually are, both physically and mentally. They've allowed their worlds to constrict to almost nothing other than trips to Walmart and the occasional group tour vacation. Granted, I should try not to judge, but it's hard not to see their current lives as the sum of a lot of other decisions. Decisions about fitness, activity levels, friendships, and personal fulfillment. I want to be very deliberate in how I approach the next thirty or more years of my life. I don't want inertia to set in, and I sometimes think having a younger husband will almost compel that.

[Crankin]

Well, I had my first child 3 weeks before I turned 29, which was 30 years ago today! Temporarily feeling old.
I thought 29 was about average to have a kid; I mean I had a house, a good job, and a master's degree along with a husband. All of my mom friends in Az were my age, except one. Then when I moved here, I was usually the youngest mom. Everyone here waits until at least 35 or 40.
Personally, I am glad I am free now. My friend from college, who is a year younger than me is a 2 time grandmother and her kids are the same age as mine.

[indysteel]

My boss turned 67 in August and just sent his youngest to college last month. He married his second wife when he was in his mid-40s and she was in her mid-30s. The second of their two children was a bit of a surprise. On some level, I think that child has kept him more active than he might have otherwise been, but on another, I think the stress of dealing with a teenager when he might have otherwise been an empty nester has taken a toll on him.

[GLC1968]

I want to be very deliberate in how I approach the next thirty or more years of my life. I don't want inertia to set in, and I sometimes think having a younger husband will almost compel that.

I totally get this and my husband and I feel the same way (he is only 1 year younger than me but loves pointing it out!).

We feel a bit like we've been living in an ageless bubble for the past 10 years though. We both started second careers in our 30's, met in our 30's, got married at 35 and don't have (or want) children. On top of that, my parents are the only ones surviving and they are quite young for their chronological ages (70 & 71 and still playing regular tennis, golf, bowling, etc). Our only sibling (my brother), also married late, has no children and both he and his wife started second-careers near 30 too (though she is just now 30, so there is time for kids in their future). Without any family children or any obvious ways to gauge time passing (like old-acting parents), we have no idea that time is truly passing! Add to that the oddity that for quite some time, all of our friends were significantly younger than us (ie, those also without children), left us with a weird sense of how old we are.

We are starting to make more friends our own age. Partly because we now live in a place were it is more socially acceptable to be childless by choice and partly because people our own age have children that are 'leaving the nest' now. It's weird, but I still think I'm in my mid-30's and I'm having a hard time learning to adjust to being my own age! Retirement planning, grey hair and age-appropriate ;) friends are forcing me to face reality. Having my annual OB-GYN appointment yesterday was weird. They asked about hot flashes, night sweats, irregular periods and osteoporosis! What?? I'm still too young to worry about that stuff, aren't I?

[indysteel]

When I first started riding in 2006 at age 37, I was lucky to hook up with a rather diverse group of people, most of whom were either childless or empty nesters. Most of them were a bit (or more) older than me, but I found that I had far more in common with them in terms of interests and viewpoint than I did with people who were more my age but were in thick of raising families. Even those among the group that had young children were extremely active. If they ran or biked, their kids were with them one way or another.

I don't want to make it seem like I have anything against children or my friends with children, but there definitely came a point in my early to mid-30s where a divide developed and meeting people who did not have young children and/or who weren't married was really significant to me. I stopped feeling like this sad spinster, and I started to see a world of possibility. When I'd go out with my married with kids friends, I always ended up feeling like an alien. I'd get these uninvited "pep talks" that I'd meet someone someday. When I tried to tell them that I wasn't in some indefinite holding pattern, it was clear that they just didn't get it or didn't believe me. Now, as "luck" would have it, I ended up meeting DH through cycling and we got married after dating for about a year and a half, but I still feel rather liberated at this point that I don't view my childless life as lacking in some crucial way. I think kids are wonderful--for those who truly want to parent, but it wasn't for me.

As for being faced with the reality of growing older, I see that as somewhat liberating, too. Admittedly, aging can bring serious problems for sure, but assuming continued good health and employment, I'd like to think that DH and I are setting ourselves up for an enjoyable retirement. Many of my riding friends are now working a bit less or are fully retired. They're taking fantastic trips and really enjoying the company of their SOs, families and friends. I see it in a positive light. Plus, the older I get, the less fixated I am on the concerns of my youth. Concerns that seem really petty now. My priorities are much clearer and I have a stronger sense of the person I want to be, a sense that wasn't fully formed even just 10 years ago. I feel much more comfortable in my skin.

[shootingstar]

[ I want to be very deliberate in how I approach the next thirty or more years of my life. I don't want inertia to set in, and I sometimes think having a younger husband will almost compel that.

I am not certain if me being younger, compels him to stay fit. I mean, really he's the one cycling across North America..right now. Not me. :o He's the one who has cycled several times across North America by himself, over the last 15 years.

I forgot to ask him how much mileage he's piled in right now (ie. 2,800km.???? I dunno, I better check with him.). He's heading towards Santa Cruz, CA ...originally started in Calgary, Alberta which 300 km. north of the U.S. border. He is finding it's better to scale down right now, to 80 km. of loaded cycling daily --after pullling in 100 km. days at least 75% of the time since beginning of Sept.

He is not superman, since his knee acts up when we go snowshoeing on long hikes on some steeper routes in the mountains. He has gained weight but disciplined himself 7 months ago and lost 25 lbs. (He originally lost 50 lbs. when I met him.).

I just want him safe on the road --it is not heart failure I worry about (he has excellent heart condition), it is some irresponsible drivers on the road. As a cyclist, I am probably the only person in his life that knows/hears/understands his daily triumphs and tribulations on the road. When I look at his photos while on he's on his trip, there are some long, lonely stretches in some remote areas. Of course this type of cycling, mentally is probably better achieved not by older teenagers, but anyone with other life eperiences under their belt where one has to persevere.

Indy- I am deliberate in how I use my vacation time ..it is now that I travel with him. Not to wait until I retire. I'm not concerned about that since there will be other friends at my age to cycle/do stuff later. I didn't really think about this until about 5 yrs. ago, when I went through upheaval due to job changes, etc.

[GLC1968]

I don't want to make it seem like I have anything against children or my friends with children, but there definitely came a point in my early to mid-30s where a divide developed and meeting people who did not have young children and/or who weren't married was really significant to me. I stopped feeling like this sad spinster, and I started to see a world of possibility. When I'd go out with my married with kids friends, I always ended up feeling like an alien. I'd get these uninvited "pep talks" that I'd meet someone someday. When I tried to tell them that I wasn't in some indefinite holding pattern, it was clear that they just didn't get it or didn't believe me. Now, as "luck" would have it, I ended up meeting DH through cycling and we got married after dating for about a year and a half, but I still feel rather liberated at this point that I don't view my childless life as lacking in some crucial way. I think kids are wonderful--for those who truly want to parent, but it wasn't for me.

I agree 100%. My reference to not having children was more about not having constantly changing reminders about time passing (since kids grow so fast!), and less about what having children means for one's lifestyle. Though I experienced the same divide in my early 30's prior to having met my husband as well. And even after we did marry, the constant questions in the early years about 'when are you two going to start trying' really annoyed the *$)&(%) out of me. (There is one advantage to wearing grey hair...people stop asking when you are going to have kids!). I really feel for those who want children and for whatever reason can't have them...but for us, it was a simple choice and neither of us regret it at all. Though again, it's liberating to be in an area where we aren't considered freaks for making that choice. ;)

I've had a real peek into what my world could have been like had we not been active people (first with months on crutches and now in PT where most of the other people there are not much older than me but clearly have chronic mobility problems to deal with...). Staying healthy and active has always kind of been a 'given' for both my husband and I, but I'm learning to appreciate it more and more as time progresses.

[indysteel]

My reference to not having children was more about not having constantly changing reminders about time passing (since kids grow so fast!)

That makes sense. I can tell that my friends with kids measure life by semesters and fall, spring and summer breaks, just as I did when I was young/in school.

[GLC1968]

That makes sense. I can tell that my friends with kids measure life by semesters and fall, spring and summer breaks, just as I did when I was young/in school.

Heh, now that I do so much recruiting at universities - I find myself back on that 'fall starts the new year' mentality myself!

[indysteel]

That's one thing that I really miss about school--that sense of a new beginning/fresh start each semester. Now it's the same thing year after year. I've been doing my job long enough now that things that happened 10 years ago feel like they happened just last year and things that happened just last year feel like they happened 10 years ago. It's just this one gigantic blur.

[lph]

I'm curious as to why several of you mention being surprised that co-workers have parents your age. I'm 43, and some of my youngest co-workers are in the early twenties, young enough for me technically to be their mother. Though I'll admit that I would be surprised too if they had parents my age, since the average age for a first birth is late twenties. But I'd pretty much expect that to be the case if I were ten years older.

Maybe it is the case that having kids (in my case kid) make you more aware of the passing of time. My son is very obviously a tall, lanky, moustachioed young man now, not a child, and I can visualize him having kids of his own even though I'm not expecting them anytime soon (dear god, no :-0). But I guess the awareness that I'm approaching grandmotherable age is kinda there, no matter how fit or active I am physically. And since I have grey hair too now people have stopped nagging me about having "another one" :D But I have close friends my own age or just a few years younger who want and are trying to have kids, so the very clear-cut generation divides aren't really there anymore.

But as to whether kids change an active lifestyle - it surely is harder to keep up a very active lifestyle once you have a child in the equation too, especially two, and school holidays are unfortunately limiting. I seriously missed not being able to travel when I wanted to, once I had a schoolchild. But I got a lot better at including physical activity in my everyday life, because that's where it had to be. Ok, so I didn't go to Antarctica, but I got pretty good at rock climbing, and biking everywhere, and I took up kayaking. And Antarctica is still there. I've met people who've said to us as young parents, as a compliment, "it's so nice to see that "life doesn't end" once you become a parent". And I thought "well, who told you it did in the first place?"

[indysteel]

Generally speaking, my friends that were physically active prior to having kids, continue to be active even though it can be challenging. Those that weren't active prior to having kids continue to be inactive. They'd like to fault the kids for this, but I would assume that in their more honest moments, they would admit that it's perhaps not that simple. That's not to suggest that I don't understand the challenges. Heck, even without children, it can be hard.

[lph]

Generally speaking, my friends that were physically active prior to having kids, continue to be active even though it can be challenging. Those that weren't active prior to having kids continue to be inactive. They'd like to fault the kids for this, but I would assume that in their more honest moments, they would admit that it's perhaps not that simple. That's not to suggest that I don't understand the challenges. Heck, even without children, it can be hard.

Yup, I think children are just one thing that can make it more of a challenge to stay physically active, but there are many other things too, a stressful or challenging job, a long commute, sick or elderly parents or any number of things can be just as much a drain on your resources and time. Ack, I don't mean a drain. Just that life can be more or less full of things to do or handle, and a day is only so long. Physical activity is important to my mental wellbeing even more than my physical, so I find it relatively easy to give it high priority. If I'd felt it was a huge struggle I'd probably be among the ones who let it go as soon as I had a kid to blame :)

[shootingstar]

If it weren't for me in menopause and my partner's age, I would be more oblivious to the passage of the years.

LPH alot of people do mention about their kids, as a barrier to becoming more fit/healthier. And some of these folks are parents with adult children...living at home.

[emily_in_nc]

We are 51 (me) and 58 (DH) and are childless, not by choice, but it's ended up being somewhat of a blessing in disguise as we've been able to retire early and travel -- something we couldn't have done so easily if we'd had children. One thing I've noticed, especially recently, is that we seem to have a lot more in common with younger married-without-children couples than with couples our own age. Partly because younger couples without kids don't talk about their kids (obviously), and partly because we still do active, adventurous, "young" activities -- like cycling, hiking, kayaking, etc. while most people we meet who are our age don't. Even though their kids are out of the nest, so in theory we'd have a lot in common with them, in many cases they are into entirely different pursuits than us -- like playing golf, taking cruises, and other things that just aren't "us". Not so many into hiking or cycling. And certainly very few into our type of traveling. Here in Belize we've been traveling in the country as the locals do -- on local buses and carrying backpacks. Sure don't see many 50-something Americans doing that, but we've run into quite a few 20- and 30-somethings who do.

Anyway, it's all very interesting to me and sometimes makes us feel really different. But really, age is just a number, and it's more about finding interesting, like-minded friends no matter what their ages. One thing we've found as we've gotten older is that we're much more open-minded about having friends of all different ages, if we are like-minded and share some interests.

[emily_in_nc]

DH is twelve years my junior. I'm not sure why, but most people seem more comfortable with the idea of a younger woman marrying a younger man, so I often brace myself for a negative reaction. For us, it was obviously crucial that neither of us wanted children. I will admit to some unease with the age difference as I worry about what the future will hold for us as I age well in advance of him. It is an added incentive to stay active and healty--to the extent I can control such things. Sometimes my body doesn't want to cooperate and tha'ts frustrating. I do know that I already have a leg up on many of my peers in terms of fitness, and my attitude about aging and retirement is important, too.

Indy, I just wanted to comment that my mother is 12 years older than my step-father, and they have been married 25 years now, so they faced many of the things you are facing and thinking about. My mother turned down his proposals for years before she finally said "yes", because she did not want to be this older woman married to a younger man. Finally, though, she did say yes. She had two children from her previous marriage, and he had never been married before, so she needed to make very sure he would never want children of his own. Fortunately, he said he didn't and was true to his word. He's been a wonderful step-father to my brother and me all these years.

One kind of funny thing is that my DH is older than me so is only 7 years younger than my step-father, so they are great friends and peers more than "father-in-law/son-in-law". We have a very interesting blended multi-generational family!

Also, as they've both aged, my step-father is actually in poorer health than my mother, so you honestly can't tell that much difference in their ages based on how they look. He's put on weight, gone gray, etc. She is now about to turn 78, and he's about to turn 66, and their age difference looks a lot less than 12 years. And with her genes (my grandparents lived until 94 and 96!), she just might outlive him. Just goes to show that you never know! ;)

[indysteel]

Thanks for sharing that about your mom, Emily! I love success stories!

[emily_in_nc]

Thanks for sharing that about your mom, Emily! I love success stories!

My pleasure! You have every reason to expect a success story in your case as well! :)

[jobob]

Without any family children or any obvious ways to gauge time passing (like old-acting parents), we have no idea that time is truly passing! ... It's weird, but I still think I'm in my mid-30's and I'm having a hard time learning to adjust to being my own age!

I've felt that too to some extent, not having children to mark the passing of time, though as an almost 53-year old I'm stuck more in my 40's than my 30's ;)

My high school graduating class has it's 35th reunion this past weekend; I didn't attend it, but photos have been posted. My first reaction when I saw the photos was "OMG, AM I REALLY THAT OLD?!!?" :o :D (though some in my class have aged less gracefully than others ...)

[Crankin]

I find this thread so interesting, but maybe not for the original opinion that Shooting Star made.

I think my lifestyle/thoughts are quite similar to Emily's, even though I have children. I feel little in common with most people my age, because we are out doing the things that younger people do. I feel guilty thinking that I hate going to the synagogue (which was a significant part of my life/social activities) because I look at the people I've known there for 20 years and they look/act old. Some appear to be handicapped by their health in some way. Even my 2 "regular" friends sometimes get on my nerves, mostly because they talk about how they "can't do this, etc" or their idea of fun is a cruise. Ugh. These 2 are both somewhat surprised of my newer friendship with someone who I met through them, but now is a rider. Yea, I brought her over to our side.
This said, most of the people I ride with are my age (58, almost 59) or older. AMC and my other riding group are full of very fit people in their 60's, 70's and beyond. These people are my role models and almost all of them have kids, so there are people who had kids and stayed active around here. Most of them do/have done a lot more than me, including some adventurous travel and many Boston Marathons. And people who are surprised that life doesn't have to end when you have kids have been a peeve of mine since, well, since I had kids. For the past 30 years, I swore that kids wouldn't change me. My kids were planned and wanted, but but I can honestly say, I am still the same person inside. Sure, it took a little planning and organizing, but most of all, it took the desire to maintain and pursue an adult life, with adult interests. My DH and I went out almost every Saturday night, with friends, or alone, and I did a ton of volunteer work, in addition to working full time. My kids turned out quite normal, despite what others might have thought at the time (like in, oh, she works all week and then gets a babysitter to go out with her DH).
What was different was the way I got my fitness. I woke up early and went to the gym at 5:30 AM, so it didn't interfere with my family. After we moved to MA from AZ, we started doing a few little outdoor things with the kids, but since we weren't that much into what we do now, it was minimal. I sincerely regret this. My kids would have loved being on the back of a bike, in a trailer or tag-along, hiking, camping. There are plenty of venues for families to do this here, but I just didn't know about this.

[tealtreak]

This has proved to be a very interesting thread- the agreement seems to be- if you choose an "active" lifestyle kids/no kids is not super relevant. Folks with no kids often have many other time constraints. I have 4 kids and my boys are my mt biking buddies and my daughter and I love to hike and kayak. The amusing kid related "fit it in" fitness issue that always gives me a chuckle: I do my Sat road ride while my daughter is horseback riding. Three times someone leading a feisty Thoroughbred has commented to me as I am getting my bike off the rack to "be careful" "bike riding is dangerous" makes my day :)

[Catrin]

Very interesting thread indeed! As a very active 52, almost 53 year old year old who has been divorced since age 23 and long-time single with no kids, I find myself very isolated. I've never had a large group of friends but I've always had good ones...but they are so busy with kids and life that we rarely can seem to find the time to meet-up any more. I certainly have fitness/cycling friends but there again, they aren't single or childless and it just becomes more difficult to meet up with people. I understand life is busy, my own certainly is. I find the older I get the more this bothers me, but such is life. At the same time I've become more comfortable in my own skin so that is a good thing. I will keep doing the things I love to do, solo or not and, I HAVE started meeting others that I can do things with - both here at TE and at my fitness facility and that is a GOOD thing. I just need to make certain that I am not doing things to insure that continued isolation.

I also find it more difficult to attend church than it once was, and that is a little troubling as it was once very important to me. Part of it is because there are so many people there in my age group, like Crankin, that just seem/act so old...and I can no longer connect to them and they obviously think I am odd for being so active. Meh, that is enough kvetching :)

[GLC1968]

I've felt that too to some extent, not having children to mark the passing of time, though as an almost 53-year old I'm stuck more in my 40's than my 30's ;)

My high school graduating class has it's 35th reunion this past weekend; I didn't attend it, but photos have been posted. My first reaction when I saw the photos was "OMG, AM I REALLY THAT OLD?!!?" :o :D (though some in my class have aged less gracefully than others ...)

I'm 26 years post HS and I do the exact same thing! Just yesterday I saw the current photo of a guy I knew back then on facebook and I could barely recognize him. If his name wasn't right next to his face, I wouldn't have. :o I've noticed that it is even more obvious (or shocking!) that the men are aging than the women because they tend to lose their hair and get much meatier (how many guys remain as pre-pubescent skinny as HS??).

[tulip]

I went to my 25th year HS reunion a few years ago. Only 4 women (none of us have kids and none of us are currently married) from our class showed up, and we all looked really good, I must say. All the men but 5 who showed up (about 20 or so, I'd guess) brought seemingly identical Barbie wives, as if to show them off to the other men with similar wives. It was quite surreal. I don't know where the other women were--even the popular ones didn't show up. It was very odd, indeed. 25 classmates (plus guests) might seem like a small reunion, but my class was only 49 people altogether, so it was actually a pretty good showing.

Most of the men looked pretty good, too, actually. I guess we all have remained active, or at least the ones who showed up to the reunion!

[shootingstar]

I can't claim that all of my good health (so far) is just me (though as an adult we do become fully accountable for this), I do credit a healthy foundational diet I had as a kid where we weren't counting calories but more about balanced meals, etc. which alot of the home knowledge (from primarily my mother. Though father provided lots of useful info from newspapers on healthy vs. unhealthy food trends), I incorporate into my own diet.

Most definitely I see the effects of good diet long term on various members of my family as the years roll by.

A healthy diet with a healthy approach to food in general for several decades of life has a profound effect on a person's overall physical development and what they become as an adult, how well they feel and how that might affect aging.

I actually don't spend enough time reading diet books, food labels (maybe I should) or learn about designing menus. I try to eat intuitively ..which is probably only partially successful. I'm not sure if I want to go through life and into elder years, counting calories. Maybe I'm not facing up to reality.

I can only see myself taking an expensive cruise holiday if../when I become disabled from age. I'm not the sort of person that likes being confined in a vehicle for several days ..when I know there's an exciting foreign country to visit along the way. I have to get out there..and experience it directly.

I have parents who at my age, had no desire to travel further than 100 kms. away or so. However I have to credit them what they did in their early 20's, that I will never do: they immigrated to a completely different linguistic and cultural environment. That in itself can be stressful and can 'age' a person, especially on a low income.

[emily_in_nc]

Most of the men looked pretty good, too, actually. I guess we all have remained active, or at least the ones who showed up to the reunion!

Just wait til your 40th! I just went with my DH to his, and while some of the women had aged well, the majority of the men just looked old and fat. My DH and a couple of his more athletic friends looked so much younger than most of his peers. It was really interesting to compare and contrast.

[Koronin]

My grandmother (my mom's mom) was around 8 years older than my grandfather. (They have both passed away several years ago. My grandmother was in her mid 90's when she passed and my grandfather died about 9 months later. We truly believe of a broken heart that she wasn't there anymore). I'm actually 8 yrs younger than my husband is. We are also childless by choice. Neither of us ever wanted kids. We got married when I was 27. (Just celebrated our 10th anniversary). The most annoying thing I've had is having people ask when are you going to have kids. My husband's mom is one of the worst offenders of that. I swear some people just don't get not everyone wants kids and some of us would NOT be good parents at all.

[Crankin]

Emily, I went to my 40th HS reunion in 2011 (well reunion of the HS I would have graduated from, if I hadn't moved, which is for me, really a reunion of my childhood friends). At the last moment, like 3 PM that day, we decided to stay downtown at the hotel. As we checked in, I asked the person at the counter where the reunion was, as I didn't see it listed on the board. This person, about 25 years old, looked at me and said, "Wow, you guys all look SO fantastic. I can't believe it's your 40th reunion." To her, we were ancient. I laughed and said, "Oh, they probably all had work done," but seriously everyone did look really great. Although, when I met my close friend outside the room, before going in, the comment scared both of us :). The guys did look in worse shape, too. I had gone to the 25th reunion in 1996 and the guys didn't look so awful at age 43.
After seeing these people, I realize a lot of what I do is really a cultural value; while I lived a bunch of different places and done lots of things, but I guess I really internalized a lot of this stuff from my upbringing. We were all so very much alike, despite different experiences. People make fun of the place I grew up, but... a lot of good came out of those years.

[shootingstar]

Well, in a few days I will be a meeting a sister of a close friend to go hiking in Banff National Park. I believe her sister is around 8-10 years older than my friend (54). This long time friend is also a long time cyclist, x-country skier ...and now also tennis player.

However her sister is different since she said sis has health issues, etc. I guess I've been accustomed to her having 2 other healthy, active siblings also in their 50's. I met them also.

Well anyway, I have a 51 yr. old sister whom I dearly wish she would be willing to go at least for hikes, etc. But she has some walking problems for long distances, when she developed a mysterious balance problem. But I don't advise her on exercise or anything. I know she is reasonably careful with her diet. She is single and child-free. We're just glad to spend time with one another. This is in contrast to 2 other sisters (43 & 48) who jog/do pilates often. These 2 sisters each, have several young to teenage children. My brother could use some exercise at 45 yrs., but his face still looks youngish. I think he went through a bout of jogging and lost some weight. But has regained it.

But none of us have yet developed any heart/respiratory problems. And we are all aware, because of our upbringing, on what /how a proper diet looks like. It's how we implement that um....knowledge. :o

[Serendipity]

I'm curious as to why several of you mention being surprised that co-workers have parents your age. I'm 43, and some of my youngest co-workers are in the early twenties, young enough for me technically to be their mother. Though I'll admit that I would be surprised too if they had parents my age, since the average age for a first birth is late twenties. But I'd pretty much expect that to be the case if I were ten years older.

lph, my take on this is that it isn't so much being surprised that co-workers have parents my age, it's more a sense of realization that I am the same age as my co-workers' parents. As in - 'how did that happen?' or 'where did all those years go?'. Conversely, what often startles me is to realize that some of my co-workers are the same age (or younger) than my children!!! Yikes! Again, it's an in-your-face realization that I've forgotten how old I actually am (54).

Hope that makes sense.

[tealtreak]

My grandmother (my mom's mom) was around 8 years older than my grandfather. (They have both passed away several years ago. My grandmother was in her mid 90's when she passed and my grandfather died about 9 months later. We truly believe of a broken heart that she wasn't there anymore). I'm actually 8 yrs younger than my husband is. We are also childless by choice. Neither of us ever wanted kids. We got married when I was 27. (Just celebrated our 10th anniversary). The most annoying thing I've had is having people ask when are you going to have kids. My husband's mom is one of the worst offenders of that. I swear some people just don't get not everyone wants kids and some of us would NOT be good parents at all.

Koronin- please hold this thought for your husband's Mom- THANK YOU!!! for not having kids if you were not into it!!!(: In my work in pediatrics I have met WAY too many folks who had kids and should not have! Tell her I said so (:

[indysteel]

As I mentioned upthread, DH is 12 years younger than me and we do not have, and do not want, children. I'm generally just fine with all of that, but the other day I awoke with this horrible thought in my head: Of my husband all alone after I am gone and he is old himself (assuming we both live to a ripe old age). He's an only child and while he has three really good friends from childhood, he is otherwise not the most social of people. He's not particularly close to the family that he does have. I'm not saying that I wish we had kids for this purpose--as that sounds like a really bad reason to have children--but it makes me sad that my DH might be alone as he ages. I'd worry less about that for myself because I'm much more apt to have built a support system outside of my marriage and family. Does anyone else without children have these thoughts (regardless of whether you're older or younger than your spouse)?

[GLC1968]

As I mentioned upthread, DH is 12 years younger than me and we do not have, and do not want, children. I'm generally just fine with all of that, but the other day I awoke with this horrible thought in my head: Of my husband all alone after I am gone and he is old himself (assuming we both live to a ripe old age). He's an only child and while he has three really good friends from childhood, he is otherwise not the most social of people. He's not particularly close to the family that he does have. I'm not saying that I wish we had kids for this purpose--as that sounds like a really bad reason to have children--but it makes me sad that my DH might be alone as he ages. I'd worry less about that for myself because I'm much more apt to have built a support system outside of my marriage and family. Does anyone else without children have these thoughts (regardless of whether you're older or younger than your spouse)?

Yes. All the time. My husband sounds very similar to yours in many ways. Mine doesn't even have any family left (he was also an only child) and while my family loves him and would want to stay close to him, he wouldn't likely stay in touch without me around.

I agree, not a good reason to have kids (nor is the fact that my parents would be AWESOME grandparents!).

[indysteel]

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking/worrying about this. I was starting to feel neurotic.

One thing I will say is that neither set of our parents would make good grandparents, so no unborn child is missing anything there.

[shootingstar]

I'm not saying that I wish we had kids for this purpose--as that sounds like a really bad reason to have children--but it makes me sad that my DH might be alone as he ages.
Still having children is no guarantee they will visit an elderly parent or pay attention much/at all. This most definitely would be heartbreaking to any parent.

What is important to me, since I chose not to have children (he has 2 from a previous marriage), is comfort/knowledge that I have several blood/family relatives younger than my generation which we know one another over the years. This is important to my own sense that I exist connected (no matter how tenuous) directly to a network of family members. I'm sure there are some who are/end up all alone as an only, child-free individual..no nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and all parents/grandparents no longer living. I do know someone who became like this in their early 50's....which is early.

But she is a socialable person who seems to attract alot of goodwilled friends, etc. A great trait.

[nuliajuk]

Last summer I was on my company's dragon boat team. Between races, one of my team-mates started gushing about a breast cancer survivor's team that was competing and doing very well. "And they're all really old, like over 50!" I didn't know whether to laugh out loud and point out that I'm 54 or feel slightly offended.

[shootingstar]

Though I not at all one that wants to shout out my age to people in my workplace (that wouldn't go over well with some co-workers who are in their mid to late '20s. They would shrug: "So what?"), I would have at least responded to the innocent team-mate: No, they're not old: these women are survivors for life.