ladyjai
01-19-2006, 09:02 PM
Can I borrow your ear?
I spent my childhood and teen years being the chubby "fat" one. I got into college, and promptly gained quite a bit. i think I ended up being close to 170 and i didn't want to admit it, but I needed a larger size than 14 (walmart 14, not the mall 14 :p ) I figured that was my lot in life. i liked sweets and eating too much, I tried the gym (funny, even then, i used the stationary bikes!), but found myself "allowing" icecreams and other sweets into the diet more than before, so it was doomed to failure.
Then one summer, I got sick, bad sick. It was 3 weeks before I could start eating. I lost weight. A trick I'd never thought was possible. i liked it. People complimented me I followed the smaller serving rule then. i lost 20-25lbs that summer. I went back to school, and was consious of my eating. I started "commuting" about 1.5 miles to school. the next summer, I got a job which required me to ride 6-8 miles one way 2-4 times a week. that summer taught me to like 110F temps and to like riding in them! :eek: :p hey, 110 is better than 117! :D I also thought I hated the bicycle by the end of the summer. Little did I know....
started up school again, moved 4 miles away from school. all over this time I lost another 10lbs, much slower, and healthier, though a little weight cycling, which I begin to think is impossible to avoid.
that 4 mile commute was fun. I was shocked to find it so. few lights, and a route that was kinda in the "wildnerness" in the middle of 2 large cities. I got a new job which I was so excited about - 8 miles from home!
I joined a bicycle club, got clips, and a road bike (in that order).
I've lost a few more lbs, and done some fat for muscle exchange, and also some disappearing muscle (what happens when you mash with a heavy hybrid, then get a road bike and begin to learn spinning? my legs haven't fully sorted themselves out!)
the end results is a flip flop between 125 and 130lbs. (I'm 25, and 5'6") My friend's told me enough times that I finally believe I'm cute. i know, i'm not fat. but then I look in the mirror.
I can't see any beauty. I definitely see the fat! my body stores all of it on my thighs, buttocks, and tummy, my legs are significantly thicker, all the way to the ankle than my roommates, who weigh more than me, and my mom, who weighs much much more than me. yeah, i know cycling puts on muscle, but there's a layer of vibrational flesh on top! :p the bonus is, I don't need as much leg warming action as other cyclists, even those of a heavier weight:cool:
it does bother me, that, even though I can see ribs i sometimes feel that area is too wide. those thoughts freak me out actually. I remember in high school hearing that many anorexic girls thought they were fat. I don't want that. and don't worry, I'm not there, I just worry sometimes that i might step too far. but i suppose if i did, I wouldn't be able to ride as well, so I'd notice. so, i may not have as much danger. (don't worry, yes I can see ribs, but i've got a tummy that hangs out over certain pairs of undies, as well as a fine toosh for padding any failed attempts at roller skating! lovely imagery there... :rolleyes: )
I hate this. I know that males find me attractive, and I know i'm not fat, but when I look, i can't see it! i've stopped looking. I do still want to lose a little of the insulation on my lower body, to end up in the 120-125 range. I think i can do that and be healthy as according to my elbow, I have a small frame. (but big hips i think :D , i can handle width:cool: )
sometimes I worry. I've found myself obsessed with what I eat. Eating too little is not an option. I did that for a week, and my cycling performance dropped incredibly. Now, I make sure I get good foods, but because of boredom at work (I told my boss! he said he'll keep me busy:o ), i've been eating some not so good stuff. however, this obsession seems to be getting worse, and I don't like the thoughts of being leashed to always watching my food, and it bothers me that I still look fat to myself, even though I know I can not possibly be. I know that is part of why I am so concerned with what I'm eating. i just wish it would stop sometimes...
i'm hoping to locate a decent nutritionalist, so that i can get some professional advise, and hopefully cut out some of the guesswork. I don't suppose anyone knows a good one in phoenix?:p
thanks for listening. I imagine there are many women who struggle with self image. if anyone else cares to share, please do.
I spent my childhood and teen years being the chubby "fat" one. I got into college, and promptly gained quite a bit. i think I ended up being close to 170 and i didn't want to admit it, but I needed a larger size than 14 (walmart 14, not the mall 14 :p ) I figured that was my lot in life. i liked sweets and eating too much, I tried the gym (funny, even then, i used the stationary bikes!), but found myself "allowing" icecreams and other sweets into the diet more than before, so it was doomed to failure.
Then one summer, I got sick, bad sick. It was 3 weeks before I could start eating. I lost weight. A trick I'd never thought was possible. i liked it. People complimented me I followed the smaller serving rule then. i lost 20-25lbs that summer. I went back to school, and was consious of my eating. I started "commuting" about 1.5 miles to school. the next summer, I got a job which required me to ride 6-8 miles one way 2-4 times a week. that summer taught me to like 110F temps and to like riding in them! :eek: :p hey, 110 is better than 117! :D I also thought I hated the bicycle by the end of the summer. Little did I know....
started up school again, moved 4 miles away from school. all over this time I lost another 10lbs, much slower, and healthier, though a little weight cycling, which I begin to think is impossible to avoid.
that 4 mile commute was fun. I was shocked to find it so. few lights, and a route that was kinda in the "wildnerness" in the middle of 2 large cities. I got a new job which I was so excited about - 8 miles from home!
I joined a bicycle club, got clips, and a road bike (in that order).
I've lost a few more lbs, and done some fat for muscle exchange, and also some disappearing muscle (what happens when you mash with a heavy hybrid, then get a road bike and begin to learn spinning? my legs haven't fully sorted themselves out!)
the end results is a flip flop between 125 and 130lbs. (I'm 25, and 5'6") My friend's told me enough times that I finally believe I'm cute. i know, i'm not fat. but then I look in the mirror.
I can't see any beauty. I definitely see the fat! my body stores all of it on my thighs, buttocks, and tummy, my legs are significantly thicker, all the way to the ankle than my roommates, who weigh more than me, and my mom, who weighs much much more than me. yeah, i know cycling puts on muscle, but there's a layer of vibrational flesh on top! :p the bonus is, I don't need as much leg warming action as other cyclists, even those of a heavier weight:cool:
it does bother me, that, even though I can see ribs i sometimes feel that area is too wide. those thoughts freak me out actually. I remember in high school hearing that many anorexic girls thought they were fat. I don't want that. and don't worry, I'm not there, I just worry sometimes that i might step too far. but i suppose if i did, I wouldn't be able to ride as well, so I'd notice. so, i may not have as much danger. (don't worry, yes I can see ribs, but i've got a tummy that hangs out over certain pairs of undies, as well as a fine toosh for padding any failed attempts at roller skating! lovely imagery there... :rolleyes: )
I hate this. I know that males find me attractive, and I know i'm not fat, but when I look, i can't see it! i've stopped looking. I do still want to lose a little of the insulation on my lower body, to end up in the 120-125 range. I think i can do that and be healthy as according to my elbow, I have a small frame. (but big hips i think :D , i can handle width:cool: )
sometimes I worry. I've found myself obsessed with what I eat. Eating too little is not an option. I did that for a week, and my cycling performance dropped incredibly. Now, I make sure I get good foods, but because of boredom at work (I told my boss! he said he'll keep me busy:o ), i've been eating some not so good stuff. however, this obsession seems to be getting worse, and I don't like the thoughts of being leashed to always watching my food, and it bothers me that I still look fat to myself, even though I know I can not possibly be. I know that is part of why I am so concerned with what I'm eating. i just wish it would stop sometimes...
i'm hoping to locate a decent nutritionalist, so that i can get some professional advise, and hopefully cut out some of the guesswork. I don't suppose anyone knows a good one in phoenix?:p
thanks for listening. I imagine there are many women who struggle with self image. if anyone else cares to share, please do.