Bike Lust is straining my (human) relationship

[Medianox]

It has been quite a long time since I posted here, but I wanted to get some perspective on a small problem I'm having.
I've been cycling for a few years now with my original entry level road bike. It was a birthday present from my husband, and I picked it after trying countless others. The feelings I have for it are still the same and I am enjoying the sport even more since I have had a chance to get more experience. You know how it is!
About 4 months after I got the road bike, I invested in a commuter bike because my interest in biking was growing. He frowned and fussed a bit, until I explained that it was like having a sports car for fun (the road bike) and a utility vehicle (the commuter). He mostly understood that but even now he still shakes his head sometimes at having/needing 2 bikes (not sure what he would do if I liked mountain biking-we'd probably be divorced!).
Cut to the present. This spring and summer I have once again started cycling more often and doing longer distances. In fact I just finished my first official metric century recently! This has led me to where I am now, looking flirtatiously at a new bike. First I brought up the idea of "upgrading" my components and he got grumpy. See, he thinks that one bike should work for the entire life of my hobby and you should not need anything else. After reading more and researching, I concluded in the back of my mind that a whole new bike might be more economical, plus that way he could get mine fitted for him and we could ride together. If I even mention getting a new bike, he now becomes very upset. Now, we have separate banking accounts, and I have my own full time job so I am not seeing the problem in this. To me it is a natural progression to move up to a better bike after a time. It doesn't mean the older one is trash (I'd never part with it!), it just means you've outgrown its capabilities. ITs like upgrading your PC or similar.
I am finding myself pouring over "bike pron" (manufacturer's websites, reviews, videos, sourcing out local bike shops) when he isn't around.
It seems pretty obvious that he sees the replacement of my original bike as a slam against him in some way, but I can't fathom the workings of the male mind enough to fix that. Help!!!

[roo4]

This seems like a marriage issue, not a bicycle issue. Do you have established guidelines for spending money on personal items? Start there.

[goldfinch]

Maybe talk about how the bike was the best present you could ever had received because it got you into biking and fitness and changed your life. But now with riding longer rides you need a bike that will take you too that next level. Or maybe not. It wouldn't work with my husband.

My husband is mildly disapproving of me buying lots of bike stuff. But he is disapproving of spending money in general. Even though I am retired I do some consulting work on the side and used that money for bike stuff. He agrees that this money is my "spending" money. But he still thinks I am wasteful. He thinks Americans in general consume far too much stuff. I have the money to buy a mountain bike but haven't yet because three bikes in one year is just going to be too much for him to grok.

[zoom-zoom]

Could he be talked into riding with you? Before my hubby talked me into trying cycling I didn't particularly like the money he spent on bikes...or his need to have at least 3 (road, mountain, cyclocross).

Then I got my first road bike (which I upgraded a year later to something more suitable to the sort of riding I liked and with better components)...and the rest is history. Now I have 3 bikes (well, I did--before my kiddo took over my mountain bike, so I will be upgrading again, soon). Hubby has 4 (road, mountain, CX, fatbike), kiddo has 2 (CX and my former mtn. bike) and we have a tandem...which is mostly DH and DS's so we can all ride on the road together.

I'm sure to some our # of bikes would seem excessive, but we don't have the sorts of $$ toys that a lot of folks near us have, like boats, jetskis, snowmobiles, ATVs or horses. We don't take many vacations, and the ones we do are generally rather short and close to home or to visit family. We have a cheap old house with a cheap mortgage. We drive relatively economic cars and drive them for a very long time.

If you can't talk him into joining you on a bike (and seeing why n+1 is serious!), then I think the relationship angle is the important one to address. Even if you were to convinced him to join you, that's a good conversation to have.

[Irulan]

Find a good marriage counselor.

[Cynedra]

We Americans do consume to much stuff but that is a completely topic because this is BIKES we are talking about.

I'm curious as to how often OP and spouse buy new vehicles. Maybe that can be brought into the discussion especially if it is every few years. My DH didn't understand the whole bike lust thing until he finally tried out a bike that was sized appropriately for him. Now, I think if our finances permitted it, he would be looking for another one (and we just got the new ones in March).

Good luck and I hope you overcome these difficulties with DH. Does he have any hobbies that he has more than one thing for?

[Trek420]

You have a commuter which actually saves you money. I've read somewhere, perhaps LAB that the average person saves roughly 3k a year by going car free or even car-light depending on car you drive and MPG. Every time you ride is a savings or investment. What you do with that is something to discuss.

I'd think of cycling as an investment in your health. He does want you to last a long time, right? :)

[Blueberry]

I agree with those who have said that this is really more of an issue with your relationship than the bike.

I am so thankful to have a DH who shares my passion, and is quite indulgent in all things hobby related.

[indysteel]

This seems like a marriage issue, not a bicycle issue. Do you have established guidelines for spending money on personal items? Start there.

I tend to agree with this. In the very least, I think you need to figure out what's really driving his grumbling. Is it purely a financial issue? If so, then I'd ditto the question posed above about your established guidelines on spending. Can you (and by "you" I mean your household) really afford a new bike? Of course, every couple has different attitudes about how they view their money. For instance, my husband and I have seperate accounts and our own jobs. Still, I don't see the money in my account as "mine" such that I can spend it freely. While we don't consult one another for every purchase, we do on larger items and even with smaller items, I'm always aware of their impact on our overall financial picture.

Is it a relationship issue, i.e., is he threatened by your cycling in some way? Does he feel left out or abandoned? Are you changing in ways that make him feel insecure about his own body or athleticism? If that's really what's driving his reaction, then I think you'd be better off addressing that first and foremost--because with our without a new bike, that's just going to continue to fester.

If it's just that he doesn't understand bikes, then I think you need to be honest with yourself, first, about what's really driving your bike lust. Have you truly outgrown your bike? Are the components of such a lower quality that they're not functioning properly? Is the bike too heavy for your needs or does it not fit properly? If you just want a new, nicer bike (and trust me, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that), then I think you need to be frank about that with your husband. I really hate when somebody tells me that they need something when in reality they just want it. I'd rather they were straight up about it.

If we're talking purely about want, I think should emphasize with your husband that riding makes you happy and that upgrading your bike from time to time is a fairly natural progression for cycling enthusiasts. Establish a budget and make darn certain that your new bike is really going to be the bomb. Assuming you don't otherwise indulge your every want, then hopefully you will ultimately get his support. If he's still resistent, then I tend to think it circles back to being a relationship or financial issue.

[Medianox]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

I agree that mostly we Americans spend too much money in general. In my life-I am 50 years old, btw-I have owned exactly ONE car. I kept it for 16 years, and donated it to a charity last summer. As a family we currently have a small SUV for hauling kids, bikes and camping stuff, and an old mini pickup that my DH uses for commuting. I am in general, a fairly frugal person, preferring thrift stores to department stores, and I do not often toss money around lightly. =)

My DH is a computer geek. Very recently, he decided he needed an upgrade to his PC (which was about 5 years old) and after some discussion and my input on the matter he decided to build his own. He sourced out the parts and was able to build a top notch machine for about $1000.00 less than a comparable off the shelf model. I agreed with his doing this in part because he very rarely treats himself to anything nice and I thought it would help him see my point about a new bike.

It didn't. He is just stubborn on the fact that he doesn't think I should ever need a new or different bike.
As far as finances go, we pay a share of the mortgage and bills then are pretty free to do whatever with the leftovers (save, buy things for the kids, house, etc). I make more money than he does and we have separate accounts. Trips and large purchases are discussed openly, options evaluated and a decision is made.
I am certainly willing to wait another year or so for a new bike, I'm itching to try a nicer one but it doesn't rule my life. Putting more miles on the one I have can't hurt anything, and in the end will only help my case. I know that being patient is the way to go but it is a little difficult where bikes are concerned! =) There are some really nice ones out there!
Thanks all for your input.

[zoom-zoom]

I am so thankful to have a DH who shares my passion, and is quite indulgent in all things hobby related.

Mine has to be...frequently he will groan when I get a bad case of bike lust, but I point out that he only has himself to blame and he'll invariably chuckle. Last night when we were talking about the 29er that I'm drooling over while on a mountain bike ride with friends and their kids (including limewave) he grinned and said "I'm loving every minute of it, really." We've both joked that we should set up a way to do direct deposit to our LBS--actually, it's not even much of a joke. If we could do it, we probably would. :p

It would be one thing if a person's chosen hobby were unhealthy in some way, but when your love is something that is so good for you and good for the planet, then the criticism from your spouse seems like it's not about the bike or cycling at all. My guess is it's about your time away...but there's nothing stopping him from joining you. If he doesn't want to ride, then that's his issue. He shouldn't hold you back, just because he doesn't have interest in it. Unless you're sacrificing all couple time for your bike, it sounds like he's being petty.

[Blueberry]

It would be one thing if a person's chosen hobby were unhealthy in some way, but when your love is something that is so good for you and good for the planet, then the criticism from your spouse seems like it's not about the bike or cycling at all.

Mine groans more about my knitting yarn stash than the bikes, but it's all good natured. The only only serious grumbling I get is when I've missed a workout and "find" time to knit at night (which is my way of de-stressing). I do know him well enough to know that that really is him worrying about me, and wanting me to be healthy (I need to lose weight, and I am certainly not perfect about getting in workouts). It's all good in my house.

[Owlie]

I wonder if he's seeing it as something that takes you away from him, and the idea of a bike that will make it easier for you to do those really long rides is making him uncomfortable, and the money/practicality thing is a cover.

[Medianox]

Indysteel-
I think you brought up some really good points. I agree he is feeling threatened by all of this in some way, just not sure of what part is setting him off.
As for getting him involved in cycling himself-we have discussed that and after the most recent event he agrees that it would be fun to do it together. He is supportive in other ways as in, watching the kids, taking my bike into the shop when needed, driving us to events, etc. He was very athletic most of his life and has played sports from grade school to some in college, and even adult leagues afterward. He has a very sports minded family (his dad was his soccer coach in HS) and both is parents played adult soccer for years. I don't see how my recent devotion to cycling and the progress I've made compare to a lifetime of being a jock (even though he has not participated in sports for about 10 years now).
My bike is an entry level road bike, mostly aluminum frame with carbon fork and a few other bits, and has lowest end components (Tiagra and Sora). It is a wee bit heavy but not badly so. The only things I have done to it are changing the original saddle and adding a computer. It was not a woman specific model. I guess you could say it is a "want" thing for now but it will be a "need" in another year or so. Conceivably, it could with a little adjustment and tinkering, fit him so we could bike together.
I agree with so many of you that it is a relationship issue, and writing this has really helped me see where some of the problems may be. At least I have an idea of what to work on, now all I need is patience!
Thanks a ton!

[zoom-zoom]

As for getting him involved in cycling himself-we have discussed that and after the most recent event he agrees that it would be fun to do it together.

I really encourage you guys to talk more about this. This is where DH and I were about 3 years ago. He's a JDRF coach and that was putting a strain on our relationship. He'd be gone at least every-other Sunday for the better part of a day, all Summer long (they'd work up to 70-80 mile rides...rides that were generally an hour away, plus an hour of socializing post-ride), in addition to him being gone several nights/week after work on his bike.

I have to admit, things got pretty ugly right before he left for one of the JDRF events. I called him on the time he spent away (leaving me alone with an 8 year old and having to schedule my workouts around his, minimal time for us to do anything as a family on weekends, etc.). He got VERY defensive. After we both cooled-off he admitted that he'd been a turd.

Not long after that we purchased a bike for me and it's really helped in a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" fashion. We also have the tandem that DS rides on the back of, so the 3 of us can go on family rides (childcare was an issue before that, since it was impossible for DH and I to ride together without finding a babysitter). And now DS is totally gung-ho about riding, too. I am now a JDRF team member, so DH is no longer abandoning us for long training rides--DS and I are "along for the ride," too.

I still feel some bike-related tensions from time-to-time. DH turned 40 this year and is on a sort of midlife-crisis bucketlist race spree (in some ways I think it would have been easier if he'd gone out and bought a sports car, heh). He has already made noises about doing the same, next year, but I may have to sit him down and remind him that *I* turn 40 next year and would like to have my shot at doing something similar. I have sacrificed a lot of races this year because of the time constraints that his training have put on us. For instance, I am not doing any duathlons this year...last year I did 3. It's just too difficult for me to get in the workouts I need when he's been training for things like a 100 mile mountain bike race. We can't both put in training like that with a kiddo still at home (and no local grandparents or other free/cheap childcare options).

[withm]

Well I am assuming you have all your finances in order, no debt, emergency funds, retirement funds, and the issue is not the money.

In any case, a bike is more like an investment in your future. Riding a bike regularly is way cheaper than, say, a heart attack.

I can't help but wonder if this really isn't some sort of a control issue. In which case you have much deeper problems to deal with. Perhaps Crankin will chime in here.

[Crankin]

I know that I was threatened when DH started riding seriously. At first, it was something he did with DS#2. But, when DS got too good for DH to ride with except on a recovery ride for DS, he started riding with groups or alone. This coincided with the time I was burned out on the gym and gaining weight. I didn't care that DH had been perfectly willing to let me teach group fitness at all sorts of weird hours and spend half my weekends taking training for my little part time job, in addition to my full time job and having 2 young kids. I basicallyy did what I wanted!
One day I was so disgusted with myself and jealous of DH's passion for cycling, I went out and took a 5 mile very fast walk, up one of the biggest hills in my town. It was 95 degrees and I didn't have water. When I came back, DH said, "If you can do that, you can ride." on the sly, he set up his old MTV for me and ordered me some shorts and a jersey.

[limewave]

Its easy to look at cycling as an expensive/excessive hobby. The average person would look at a bike at Walmart and think that is good enough! Unless you are in the sport, it really is hard to understand the expense of investing thousands of dollars.

While coming to a compromise is a marital issue, I don't believe that its a sign of a bad marriage or even a problem. Its just one more situation where two people have two different perspectives and since you share a life (even one with separate bank accounts) a compromise needs to be found.

There is another angle to all of this, cycling is an investment in your health. DH and I don't have a lot of pricey toys either and we are often living paycheck to paycheck, but when it comes to running and biking we are willing to spend some money. It's preventative health care and saves us (hopefully) lots of medical expenses down the road!

I hope you are able to work something out and maybe even start cycling together!

[zoom-zoom]

While coming to a compromise is a marital issue, I don't believe that its a sign of a bad marriage or even a problem. Its just one more situation where two people have two different perspectives and since you share a life (even one with separate bank accounts) a compromise needs to be found.

ITA -- it's only a problem if one (or both) person(s) is unwilling to come to a sort of happy medium. I hope this is not the case for you, Medianox.

[Anelia]

My DH is a computer geek. Very recently, he decided he needed an upgrade to his PC (which was about 5 years old) and after some discussion and my input on the matter he decided to build his own. He sourced out the parts and was able to build a top notch machine for about $1000.00 less than a comparable off the shelf model. I agreed with his doing this in part because he very rarely treats himself to anything nice and I thought it would help him see my point about a new bike.

It didn't. He is just stubborn on the fact that he doesn't think I should ever need a new or different bike.

My husband wanted badly a new computer. His old one wasn't bad at all but he is a computer geek, too. So he cleverly used the fact that I bought a new racing mtn bike last year for about $ 1,5 k so I had nothing to do but agree with him. Before he put the things this way, I totally didn't see the point of buying a new computer but after referring to my bike, I got totally to his side and sympathized. Maybe you should try to explain it firmly: "you bought a new computer even having an old one and I deserve a new bike".
Nevertheless, my husband totally objects to my getting a roadie :D I want a road bike very much but I decided to copromise in order to keep the family together.
Good luck and I hope you'll get a new bike soon.

[indysteel]

My husband wanted badly a new computer. His old one wasn't bad at all but he is a computer geek, too. So he cleverly used the fact that I bought a new racing mtn bike last year for about $ 1,5 k so I had nothing to do but agree with him. Before he put the things this way, I totally didn't see the point of buying a new computer but after referring to my bike, I got totally to his side and sympathized. Maybe you should try to explain it firmly: "you bought a new computer even having an old one and I deserve a new bike".
Nevertheless, my husband totally objects to my getting a roadie :D I want a road bike very much but I decided to copromise in order to keep the family together.
Good luck and I hope you'll get a new bike soon.

While I don't think that approach is totally invalid, I think there are some downsides--emotionally and financially--to a tit-for-tat approach. My husband and I have resorted to it a time or two ourselves, and it always feels a bit like blackmail to me. Plus, it obscures the bigger issues that might be at play. Can we really afford this purchase is one of them. Another is, do they suppport my desires/needs/interests irrespective of their own and vice versa? I ultimately think there are better ways to approach this kind of thing that will help to build more trust in a relationship.

[zoom-zoom]

While I don't think that approach is totally invalid, I think there are some downsides--emotionally and financially--to a tit-for-tat approach. My husband and I have resorted to it a time or two ourselves, and it always feels a bit like blackmail to me. Plus, it obscures the bigger issues that might be at play. Can we really afford this purchase is one of them. Another is, do they suppport my desires/needs/interests irrespective of their own and vice versa? I ultimately think there are better ways to approach this kind of thing that will help to build more trust in a relationship.

It is tricky, for certain. DH bought a Mukluk last Fall. I never really paid much attention to the components on it, until I started looking at 29ers (since DS has pretty much taken over my too-small mountain bike). DH made noises to the effect that I should be happy with lower-end components when we choose my bike, even though his bikes all have higher-end ones (and he has 4 bikes to my 2). While I don't think tit-for-tat is always a healthy way to go, I also think there needs to be some level of fairness when it comes to a couple who shares a hobby. One person shouldn't always be expected to settle for entry-level equipment (with the excuse that they are noobs...in my case I may be a noob, but I've clearly shown that I'm not looking at anything cycling-related with anything other than intent to continue and improve as fast as I reasonably can, which is easier on better equipment, especially in terms of keeping up with stronger/faster riders) when the other gets to go hog-wild.

[indysteel]

It is tricky, for certain. DH bought a Mukluk last Fall. I never really paid much attention to the components on it, until I started looking at 29ers (since DS has pretty much taken over my too-small mountain bike). DH made noises to the effect that I should be happy with lower-end components when we choose my bike, even though his bikes all have higher-end ones (and he has 4 bikes to my 2). While I don't think tit-for-tat is always a healthy way to go, I also think there needs to be some level of fairness when it comes to a couple who shares a hobby. One person shouldn't always be expected to settle for entry-level equipment (with the excuse that they are noobs...in my case I may be a noob, but I've clearly shown that I'm not looking at anything cycling-related with anything other than intent to continue and improve as fast as I reasonably can, which is easier on better equipment, especially in terms of keeping up with stronger/faster riders) when the other gets to go hog-wild.

Oh, I absolutely agree with that, but I think that issue is a bit different from the "you got what you wanted, so I should get what I want" type of argument/concession.

In the end, I'd rather support my spouse, and be supported in return, because we love and trust one another and want each other to be fulfilled within the confines of our budget and other goals and interests. I don't want to support their desire for (fill in the blank) just so that I can turn around six months later and lobby for what I want. IMO, there are often more constructive ways to come to these decisions.

[redrhodie]

OP, I was your husband. I was really against it when my dbf bought his bike. I look back at the person I was then with regret. I wish I had supported him at the time. But, he got it without my approval, and I got over it. I'm really glad he put himself first, because I didn't, and he deserved it.

[Blueberry]

OP, I was your husband. I was really against it when my dbf bought his bike. I look back at the person I was then with regret. I wish I had supported him at the time. But, he got it without my approval, and I got over it. I'm really glad he put himself first, because I didn't, and he deserved it.

It's a rare person who can admit that, I think. Kudos to you - and look now - you're one of the ones lots of us look up to!

[indysteel]

I've resisted some things my husband has wanted in the few years we've been together. I often felt justified--and still do--because he would overstate his case in an effort to get what he wanted. And by overstating his case, I grew distrustful of his definition of need versus want. This was especially true when we were first buying our house together and had expenses out the wazhoo. It took some time and some discussions to get to a place where he resisted the impulse to overstate his case and for me to get past my impulse to just say "no."

[indysteel]

it's a rare person who can admit that, i think. Kudos to you - and look now - you're one of the ones lots of us look up to!

+1.

[Veronica]

I am so lucky - Thom is happy to take my castoff equipment. :D He was joking about it on our tour with all the other men. (I was the only chick!) I need 1 new tire, I get a matching new set and he gets the still serviceable old one to use on his bike. Of course I think he planned my double wheel upgrade just so he could get better wheels for himself. :p "Oh honey, these new wheels are even faster than the ones we just got. I'll just take these for myself."

Seriously, I am very fortunate in my choice of a mate.

Veronica

[spokewench]

It could be that your hubby does not understand bikes and may never understand that this is a "gear" sport. My husband and I raced bikes for some 20 years (both Mountain and Road, and cyclecross); you should have seen our stable and still we have a lot of bikes even though neither of us rides that much anymore. I have never told my husband not to buy a bike nor has he said it to me, but probably because there was a mutual understanding of the concept of "gear" sport. (He did have more bikes over our racing lifetime, but I was always happy with what I had). I took up the sport after he did and he was always the one who wanted to take all our vacations on or with bikes and they usually revolved around racing. Sometimes I wanted to do other things, but much of the time, we raced and rode for years. It worked out okay.

I took up tennis about 5 years ago. I am very into tennis and play leagues, go to tournaments, etc. I am 52 now and he is 58. He does not have the bike bug anymore. He occasionally plays tennis with me or others, but is not really into competing or playing a lot.

Now, interestingly (or ironically), he gets very angry at me when I play tennis, says I do it too much, etc., etc. I think it is a control issue. He does not have a passion so wants to control mine. I make a concerted effort to set aside weekends for time with him; and also evenings for time with him. Most of the time, I play tennis during the day when he is at work and so it does not take away from our time together. He still has issues with my tennis. So, perhaps, your husband is in a time of his life where he wants to control your actions because he is lacking in something in his life. That is the way I feel about my husband's behavior. I think he is bored and needs something more in this life besides the fact that he really does have some part of his personality that likes to control others. (this is not new!)

Anyway, I continue to compromise and he continues to grumble. So far, we work it out without too much undue stress!

[limewave]

Odd progression . . .

Zoom-Zoom, I had a weird opposite thing happen with DH. He bought me my first mntn bike--a nice one. With high-end components, full-suspension. He wanted me to enjoy mountain biking. He thought having a comfortable ride with smooth shifting would help. He also wanted me to have components that would hold-up while I learned to shift and brake properly.

Then when I got into it more he said I could get by with lower components because blah, blah, blah (I don't really remember his reasoning). I agreed 'cause we couldn't afford "high-end" anyways. At the same time he was looking at new road bike and wouldn't consider anything that wasn't carbon frame with Dura-Ace. :rolleyes:

A few years later . . . DH is VERY supportive of me getting high-end bike with bike components. Why? Because we decided on equal budgets for new bikes on alternating years. If he can convince me (the saver) to spend more money on a bike, then he can get away with a nicer bike! And here I thought he was being supportive and encouraging . . . :)

[Anelia]

And for over a year my husband has been trying to convince me that I need a new laptop. My old one is falling into pieces but I resist buying another one until this one stops working.
I know he has a dream about a full suspension bike but he is not going to get it as long as he doesn't ride as much. He rides only about 100 km per month, including commuting so it's not worth spending $ 2+ k on a new bike. He rides now my old bike which is not bad at all (Rock Shox Tora 302 fork, Sram 7 derailleur, Juicy 5 brakes).

[Crankin]

I don't know if it's a control issue. There's a lot of factors involved. It sounds more like not understanding the whole deal about cycling, equipment, and all the accompanying stuff, as well as some jealousy. Truthfully, I would be pissed if my DH, suddenly wanted to spend a lot of time away from me, doing some "hobby." I know, this sounds weird, but we spend just about all of our free time together, well, cycling, and doing other sports, as well as a lot of socializing with friends, eating out, etc. We both have intense jobs and I am happy to spend my time with my DH, ride our bikes, and do other cool stuff. Some people think we are "weird," but I really have no desire to spend time going off with my friends or work colleagues. I do go out to lunch and other stuff with women friends occasionally, and i ride with a few people, but generally, I am happy to be with him. Our finances are joint and we basically have the attitude of unless it's a major purchase, we each buy what we want. Of course we are at the stage of life that we can afford to do this. Sure, some of DH's home or electronic things are kind of dumb in my mind, and I don't use half the stuff in my house, but it makes him happy.
If money isn't an issue, then I would try to dig deeper, to see what the issue is. You may need some brief couples counseling to solve this, as it's really not about cycling, and it will bubble up again.

[ny biker]

Well I'm not married and I'm not a therapist and I don't know either of you, but here are a few things I'm noticing.

You keep cars/trucks for a long time. Your husband might see your bike the same way as a car -- it still works, it gets you where you want to go, so you don't need a new one. I have some family members who are like this -- they keep things forever, fix them when they break instead of replacing them, don't see the point of getting something new just because it's considered "better technology," because the old thing still works fine.

I think PCs are in a different category from bikes -- if you don't upgrade or replace them, after not too many years they fail to work well for you. You need more RAM, more memory, a new operating system, USB ports instead of disc drives, etc. Otherwise you can't install the new software you want to buy or it takes forever to download anything from the internet or there are security issues because the old operating system is not supported anymore.

But a bike can still be ridden, unless something physically breaks on it. And if you're not the one riding it for hours on end, you might not understand why it's worth a couple of thousand dollars to replace a bike with something lighter or better fitting or with components that work more reliably.

[Medianox]

Thanks again for all your thoughtful replies.

A little more background is needed maybe to place some things in perspective.
I am by nature, not a very social person. I like doing things on my own, solo, and not in large groups. My DH is a quiet guy, but is far more social than I am. As with most couples who are together a long time, we have certain understandings. He has a large group of male friends that he gets together with a couple of times a year. They are all involved with sports and they use these weekends to catch up and bond. This involves traveling because they all live in different parts of the state. As we have 2 not yet teenage children, I stay home and tend to them. I do not ever refuse him these weekends as he has a great deal of job stress and it helps him balance everything in his life.
I, on the other hand, am quiet and pretty shy. I go to my work (also a stressful job) and come home. I take the boys to school and pick them up. I do not travel much on my own and dislike driving (the main reason I kept my car for so long-it simply did not matter to me what I drove or how it looked-all it did was get me to work). Most of my friends live nearby. Biking is a major part of my life, I love it and am serious about it. It is my main outdoor activity, besides walking or hiking.
My DH fully supports my cycling as he sees it as a healthy way for me to de-stress, exercise and get out of the house on a regular basis. I am in very good shape and am not overweight. I eat a balanced diet, rarely drink and do not smoke. That is what confuses me about the "not ever getting another bike" thing. He even says that he knows that cycling has been a highly positive force in my life, so I don't understand why wouldn't he want me to be happy doing it with good solid gear that helps me participate in the activity that I love. I understand very well about the whole "upgrading the PC" thing and yes, after a time you reach a point where older equipment doesn't keep pace with the newer software, games, etc. so you do need to improve your hardware. I am not asking him to buy me new bike, just as I did not ask him for money to buy my commuter, just as he used his own money to get the parts for his PC. If a new bike is purchased, it will be done by me with my own funds. I see it as a fairly simple matter of outgrowing my equipment and moving on to something that is more comfortable and efficient. I don't get upset when he travels with his friends, upgrades his pc, or anything like that so I do have a problem with his attitude when I mention getting a new bike.
It is not critical that I get a one immediately, the one I have is functional and I can certainly make do with it and keep saving money on the side. While I can use the one I have, I feel that I should not really have to justify my desire to trade up to a new bike to him in this regard. It is not a case of "status" or simply wanting something new for the sake of spending money. That is what is bugging me the most. He simpy cuts me off in the discussion when I bring it up. It is specifically a bike related thing because he doesn't have the same attitude when I mention anything else (yarn, art supplies, home items, clothing, etc).
Sorry for running so long.

[Irulan]

It sounds to me like you all haven't had a really clear conversation about money. Sure you may use your own money, but have you had the conversion where the decision was made about "I get to spend X amount of my own money on whatever I want and you don't get to comment on it ( and so do you)"? Are your mutual savings goals met? Is there debt in the family? Money is one the most common things that people do not communicate well about.

[Medianox]

[QUOTE=Irulan;644324]It sounds to me like you all haven't had a really clear conversation about money. Sure you may use your own money, but have you had the conversion where the decision was made about "I get to spend X amount of my own money on whatever I want and you don't get to comment on it ( and so do you)"? Are your mutual savings goals met? Is there debt in the family? Money is one the most common things that people do not communicate well about.[/QUOTE


I agree, money is a huge stumbling block in relationships, but we do openly discuss our finances and keep each other informed. We both have retirement accounts and pay all our (few) bills on time. As any couple with kids knows, saving is tough but we manage to do what we can. We do have those talks, and this is part of what baffles me so much about his approach to the whole new bike thing. I could understand it better if we DIDN'T talk about money, but we do. I think, since he bought my first bike as a present, he sees it as a rejection of his gift, which it is not. I don't understand why a guy would see it that way. I would say (if the positions were reversed), "hey, that's great that you have outgrown your first bike and want to move up to something better because you are improving" but I know he doesn't view it like that.
When he was younger, he raced motorcycles with his dad, so I know he has some familiarity with an "equipment-heavy" sport...not a totally new concept to him.
I feel guilty even reading reviews or looking at bikes online and I don't think that is how things should be. He is a very stubborn person and I may not be able to shift his perspective on this.

[indysteel]

Have you specifically asked him about the things you indicated that you "don't understand"? If he can't articulate rational reasons for his objections and/or can't admit there's something more to it, then perhaps you should do what Red's boyfriend did and buy the bike. Don't do it behind his back. Rather, just day that he's offered no reason for his objection that makes any sense and that while you wish you had his support, you're not going to forego the purchase. At some point, you do have to just do what's best for you with or without your partner's support. I sure hope it doesn't come to that though.

[Bethany1]

Only you know your husband.

Is he feeling like the one you got for your birthday was waste or not good enough? Guys are/can be present sensitive in a weird way.

Do you have a birthday coming up?..LOL.

Back off for now. You know how he feels even if you don't know or understand the reason why. The more you press, the more it sounds like he'll clam up. He knows you want a new bike. If you don't need it right now, just wait. It's added stress between the two of you that neither of you need.

The extreme version is just go buy the bike you want and hope things don't blow up. I don't suggest doing that though.

[eofelis]

On the other end of the spectrum, my bf and I are really bad enablers for each other about getting *more* bikes. When I expressed interest in getting my 7th bike, he was excited about building it for me (he has his own fully equipped personal bike shop in the basement).

He's in the process of getting a custom IF road bike frame, his 7th bike, and says it probably won't be the last bike he'll ever get.

[Crankin]

Ha, Eoffelis, you and your BF sound like my house...

[lph]

Indysteel made some very good points, as did many others. I grew up in a household with a lot of "anti-consumerism-attitude", and recognize some of the thinking. I think it is important to acknowledge that a new bike strictly speaking never is a need, only a want. It's because you want to have a lighter or faster or better bike, or you want to take up another style of biking. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's still all a hobby we're talking about. This comes from someone with four bikes, btw, but only one of them bought new.

I don't know how much the anticonsumerism thing is bugging your dh, but you could try a few general discussions to sound out the terrain. It won't necessarily give you hard answers (my dh just gets confused when I try stuff like this :D ) but it can help to arrange your thoughts. Discuss how much time you feel it's ok for either of you to spend away from the other doing your own hobby, and be as specific as you can. Discuss how you would feel if the other one has a hobby you disapprove of, for some reason. (As in, I'd be upset for environmental reasons if my dh wanted to take up motor sports.) Discuss how much money you feel it's ok for the other one to spend on his/her own things. Maybe a separate account purely for ego-stuff is a good idea. How would this use of money affect joint spending or purchases? Try discussing the difference between feeling that something is unnecessary, and expressing disapproval. Try avoiding discussing bikes in particular, because it truly isn't particularly relevant.

I agree that it sounds a little like he's reacting to you downvaluing his gift, but if only that is the case he should be receptive to you affirming, as truthfully and warmly as possible, that you loved the gift, you would never part with it for sentimental reasons, and it's helped you discover this wonderful hobby that you love. Normally a gift from several years back shouldn't have that level of importance attached to it, not unless he broke the bank to give you the gift of a lifetime. It sounds a little more as if he disapproves on a general basis, and you owe to him to try to understand why. If he can't or won't express why, or can't show how it relates to something that is important to your relationship, you're in your full right to just smile and go on with it. He can't expect you to be a mind-reader, or to adjust to his wishes no matter what. But you can't necessarily expect him to be supportive either.

[hebe]

Good luck with sorting this. It is your money, that you earned, and you are not neglecting your contribution to the family finances so personally I'd be tempted to follow Muirenn's excellent suggestion of "Honey. I've decided to get a new bike".

I'm shortly going to sell the very first bike I had, that my husband bought for me, and he has been nothing but supportive as it was a First Bike, bought for me to learn on and to see if I liked cycling (I do). Whenever I worry about spending money on bikes I consider how much I used to spend on gym membership - about the cost of 1 bike every year - and you can't even sell it on second-hand.

[Melalvai]

It seems pretty obvious that he sees the replacement of my original bike as a slam against him in some way, but I can't fathom the workings of the male mind enough to fix that.
This is an important point that most of the discussion has glossed over. His main problem isn't the expense, it's that he feels threatened in some way. I suspect that his problem is that he bought her the first bike, so her wanting to replace that is a bit like saying the bike he bought her wasn't good enough.

Let us know how it all turns out. I'm really interested now.

[lovelygamer]

Its easy to look at cycling as an expensive/excessive hobby. The average person would look at a bike at Walmart and think that is good enough! Unless you are in the sport, it really is hard to understand the expense of investing thousands of dollars.

I see this in my own life. As a new cyclist, I even reel with sticker shock on a regular basis. Not only are the bikes expensive, but so is the gear and accessories. Also, because they do sell bikes at Walmart, it's a pretty common misconception for many people.

There are many people who even though they like cycling, would never take part in it due to the cost. I know one. He cycles around town daily on a used commuter bike he's pieced together but hell never do anything more because of the costs. He always asks me about my cycling and he admires the longer distance rides but he has a tight fist on his wallet and doesn't spend money on things outside of living expenses.

My own family has disproved the money I have put out already just for commuter bike expenses EVEN though I am saving other monies on a regular basis. They can't see that savings as easily as they can see my receipt from the bike store for $200. To them, no hobby or sport is worth those kinds of costs.

I am no longer married so I don't answer to someone in the same way you do. Good luck with the issue!

[Medianox]

"How about: Honey. I've decided to get a new bike.

And leave it at that.



Okay okay.

Write him a clear non-whiney letter stating your points. Tell him you want him to understand, but you are getting a bike.

Seriously. You are an adult. You have a job. You shouldn't need permission." -Muirenn

I think that when I am ready to move on the purchase, I just might take this approach. ;)
Currently, I am shelving the idea, for a few reasons. Number one is that I now have a goal in mind and I am going to squirrel money away for roughly a year or so (until I get close to the amount I need) and then bring it up again.
I can be very patient (something I have learned from living with the DH!) and I really think it is needed here. Number two is that I can use my current bike easily for another year without any real problems ( I just got new tires, cables and a general tune up done) and get even more experience. Never a bad thing. It won't kill me, just make me work a little harder and I'll be better for it in the end. I think a new bike bought under those circumstances will be even more meaningful. PLUS,number three reason- DH will see me get another year deeper into the activity so any lingering doubts about my seriousness will be alleviated (not that he could have had any really, but hey, if I could understand him perfectly, we wouldn't have this thread). If his problem is truly that he believes that I am devaluing his original gift, perhaps more time is needed for him to see that it is not the case at all. In fact, I would never sell my first bike and will always keep it around for winter riding, training, or throwing on the rollers in the off season. That way, I can use my newer one for rides, long distances and other situations where improved technology can make a difference.

lph, crankin, and everyone else, thank you so much for your insightful responses. Just writing this all out has really helped me see where the pitfalls are. I will keep you all updated!!!
Thanks again!

[sarahkonamojo]

Park bike behind commuter truck. Your husband backs up over your bike and kills it. You get new bike. Both of you feel really guilty.
Horrible idea, of course.
I don't understand why he is so attached to your bike. He needs to give you more things more often. And perhaps you to him, also. And to really give, expecting nothing back. Too many strings attached to that bike. It is amazing you can even ride it.
I am horrible with relationships and muddle on with my own.
Best of all gifts,
S

[hebe]

If you had bought him his first ever computer, a few years back, would he feel as if he had to keep using it forever, or would he too be wanting to upgrade, ideally with your support?

I think you're being incredibly patient and considerate with his feelings, probably far more so than I would manage under the same circumstances. Good luck, and I hope you can come to an amicable arrangement when the time comes for your new bike. If nothing else, it's a great example to set to your children ("dad bought mum bike, mum loves and rides it so much that she's now able to have an even better one and the old one still gets ridden too"). Enjoy your cycling!

[ny biker]

PLUS,number three reason- DH will see me get another year deeper into the activity so any lingering doubts about my seriousness will be alleviated (not that he could have had any really, but hey, if I could understand him perfectly, we wouldn't have this thread). If his problem is truly that he believes that I am devaluing his original gift, perhaps more time is needed for him to see that it is not the case at all.

I think you are better off talking to your husband than to us. You would have a better chance of knowing what is really bothering him instead of speculating.

[Medianox]

ny biker-
"I think you are better off talking to your husband than to us. You would have a better chance of knowing what is really bothering him instead of speculating."


I did try talking to my husband. In fact, his lack of reasonable response is what prompted me to write originally. I mentioned at least once that he cuts me off when I bring it up (but is otherwise supportive and encouraging with my cycling). I posted here to see if I could get some perspective on the situation, and to see if any other women had experiences similar to mine.

Looks like I may get my chance today, as we are soon going to be hitting the road to go to a baseball game. Even though we are going to be heading in to SF, it is the weekend and who knows what the traffic is going to be like. Captive audience?

:)

[indysteel]

I took NY's comment to refer, more specifically, to your speculation that your husband might be upset because you want to replace a bike that he gave you as a gift. I think that's an issue worth discussing with your husband as it doesn't appear that you already have. Perhaps that's what NY was getting at. Beyond that, I think you need to switch gears from trying to talk him into the bike to explaining your hurt and confusion over what feels like a lack of support from him. As lph suggested, the issue between you and your husband really goes beyond the bike itself and you'd be well advised to approach it as such--if you really want to get to the heart of why he has objected to the purchase.

I'd also say that I don't think a car ride is the best time to have a difficult discussion. Yes, you have a captive audience. But you're also both trapped if the conversation goes south.

[Irulan]

..and lets not forget "distracted driving"...

[Medianox]

Indysteel, I can see the point you make, and I can see the point that ny biker makes too. Sorry if my frustration at the whole thing spilled over some. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I was trying to be a little funny with the "captive audience" remark...I really don't intend to get into a deep discussion of bike buying while traveling. Was only attempting to lighten things a little.

As I have said, I'm going to let it be for now and after a time, see if he is more ready to talk about why he gets so defensive when I bring up the subject. Right now, it is just closed for discussion. I know him and it can take months (years even) for the right time to roll around.

Thanks again!

[malkin]

If it ends up being a devaluation of his gift that is bugging him, is is possible to work out a way to create some memento of the gift so that he can feel validated?

Early on, Brewer gave me a bathrobe; wrong size, wrong style, wrong fabric, you know--basically really nice, but not for me. I kept it, and have used parts of the fabric for other things. It had really great tassels too, perfect for lamp pulls!

[indysteel]

It can take months or years for the right time to roll around? To have a conversation about a bike? Something is just not adding up for me here. I'm sorry, but after everything you've shared I cannot help but conclude that there are some control issues going on or some kind of power imbalance. I'm sorry if I'm reading to much into it, but this seems like an awful lot of drama and angst for just a bike.

[shootingstar]

I hope you sort this one out and that he understands his gift helped you to go "further". Do you plan to cycle that bike after getting 2nd bike?

Buried in all this, is your capacity because you have a larger salary, to buy a 2nd bike, etc.

I did get my folding bike as a gift and am only able to bike it when at 2nd home and for longer touring rides. But he knows and would agree that where I work commute, it would be tough on the bike weather-wise. (and I'm also afraid it looks more desirable to steal...). I genuinely express my delight every time I do bike my gift because it is more nimble and a lighter bike than my daily use bike for commuting, everything else. This bike, his gift rides and feels like a wonderful "treat" to me. :)

His gift bike..bought 3 years ago has served and continues to serve me well. We've been biking together for past 20 yrs. I have 3 other bikes which I bought myself.

He complains mildly about my pile of brand new art supplies but knows how complicated it has been to split my stuff between 2 locations. And he knows he gets the gifts etc., from me...my art.

[jessmarimba]

I think my biggest :eek: moment of this was reading that he won't even let you upgrade the saddle on the current bike?? That's like him getting his new computer and you making him use dial-up internet. Regardless of whether you get the new bike, buy yourself a new saddle anyway. He shouldn't get to control that.

[lph]

I think my biggest :eek: moment of this was reading that he won't even let you upgrade the saddle on the current bike?? That's like him getting his new computer and you making him use dial-up internet. Regardless of whether you get the new bike, buy yourself a new saddle anyway. He shouldn't get to control that.

No, I think she wrote early on that she has put a new saddle on it, and has bought new tires. But I think the components are original, and the frame of course.

[Medianox]

-indysteel- No, not just for the bike conversation, for some issues in general. The bike thing I can see getting talked about later on in the summer (my birthday) or Christmas, just not now for whatever reason. It hits a nerve with him so I am letting it rest for now. I really think he has control issues and probably feels inadequate because I make more money than he does.

-Shootingstar- yes I do plan to keep my original bike forever as a winter bike or put it on the trainer for bad weather riding.

-jessmarimba-lol no. I have changed the saddle, tires, pedals, and bar tape. I added water bottle cages and the computer but the components and the frame are all original.

Again, thank you all for your insights. I may still continue to prowl bike sites, and drool over other bikes when I see them on the road but I'll keep my thoughts to myself for now. Whow knows? He has been known to surprise me and out of the blue he just may say, "hey, about that new bike you want? Lets go look at some.....". =)

[Irulan]

after four pages of dimestore analysis, I still think marriage counseling is the way to go. Ongoing issues that you can't talk about and cant resolve don't resolve themselves.

[jessmarimba]

-jessmarimba-lol no. I have changed the saddle, tires, pedals, and bar tape. I added water bottle cages and the computer but the components and the frame are all original.


Whew. I've been reading the forum on my iphone screen lately so I probably missed a key word in the entry about that. Thank goodness!

[Trek420]

To echo the excellent advice above, +1 on the counseling and talking. In terms of the bike consider wheels.

My namesake, the Trek 420 was Trek's bottom of the barrel entry level road bike. It got me back into riding. Gradually I upgraded small stuff; saddle, handlebars, bar tape.

When I rode it off the path, over a small cliff and into the creek bed (don't ask :o) I needed new wheels. I got the best rims I could afford at the time; Mavic Open Sup Pro. My LBS said it would make a huge difference and hot diggity it was like a whole new bike.

Later as the chain, der, showed wear I upgraded the power train from the original Tiagra to Ultegra. Again, my LBS said I'd notice the difference of the stiffer spline drive and again he was right.

Same entry level bike. :cool:

I loved that bike.

I especially loved the whiplash effect it had on riders of "Oh, a Trek 420, whatever ..... woah! But with Mavic wheels? :confused: :D"

Today I have a full custom, hand made, Italian steel, made for me by the man whose name goes on the frame blah blah blah road bike. But I still miss that ol' Trek.

It was how I learned about bikes, upgrading, making decisions based on cost/benefit. It was a hoot to ride and confuse other cyclists "WTH? I got passed by a 420 .... one with Flightdeck?"

So if you like the fit keep the bike, consider upgrades. It can be less ... or even more expensive ;) :D But don't ride it off a cliff to get them.