Sad Day for Mother

[Bike Chick]

My 75 year old mother has always had health issues (diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol) and has never been active. She is overweight and has complained of back problems for years. As she aged, she became more and more sedentary and spent most of her days sitting on the couch watching television. Our pleas for her to walk and exercise were met with disgust and indifference. Her mobility and balance declined with her activity level until she could only walk with a walker and would fall frequently. She never understood why I liked to ride a bike for miles or why I would ever do something as foolish as run a marathon or race in a triathlon.

She took a really nasty spill in February and suffered a broken nose, busted tooth and mouth and spent the next couple of days in the hospital. She was very weak and unable to walk without assistance when she was discharged and we placed her in a senior care center so she could get receive physical therapy, get stronger and come home.

The whole family thought this would only be temporary and that she would be home within a few weeks. We were wrong. She doesn't want to be there, regularly refused physical therapy, and doesn't understand why she can't just come home. It's a very sad situation. Today, the physical therapist told me they are terminating her therapy because she is not progressing. Medicare will only pay for therapy as long as the patient shows progress. It takes two people to get her from the chair to the wheelchair and her future looks very grim.

My point in sharing all this is that I want each and every one of you to keep moving. It's been heartbreaking to watch my mother lose her ability to walk and with it her quality of life because of her inactivity. Every time I drive home from visiting her, I try to figure out what I can do to keep from ending up in the same situation and remind myself that I need to keep moving. I'm very sad and frustrated by the whole situation but don't know what, if anything else, can be done for her.

Please excuse the long vent. Thanks for listening and letting me share.

[Chicken Little]

Might your Mom have undiagnosed depression? Do you have a physician you trust?

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear of your ailing mother and difficulties, Bike Chick. You're trying hard right now.

You know, I don't think my mother (78) would be that much different. She doesn't exercise, is abit overweight but has tried over the past few decades to cook healthier. So this most definitely we give her credit. However she does understand our need to eat healthy, be fit, etc. Then compounded with a dying husband (my father has cancer) and daughter that she lost suddenly, plus not knowing enough English to communicate with us (or us not knowing enough Chinese).

Your mom probably needs most to have a good friendly ear to hear her and 1-2 friends her age to talk often, share at her age. Does she have a hobby, activity that she can still enjoy/is good at?

[Fredwina]

My mother is 84 and we had to move her to an Independent living facility 150 miles away from where she spent the last 60 years. It appears to have done her a world of good from phone conversation. I get to find out in person tomorrow :) . Watching your parents deteriorate is not fun. I do like shooting star's advice, as I think moving my mother in with a bunch of folks in a same situation did her a world of good.

[Bike Chick]

Chicken Little, you make a good point and we have wondered about depression. Her doctor has always been part of the problem. None of us like him but she and my stepdad think he's wonderful. He's a pill pusher and Mom dearly likes her pills if you know what I mean. He prescribed Prozac 10 days ago thinking it would help her mood but all it's done is turn her into a pie-eyed zombie. I'm dealing what that issue today.

Shootingstar, my mother has never had any close friends or other "sisters" that she talked to. Don't know why but she doesn't and that's too bad. She used to have hobbies that she enjoyed (reading, sewing) but quit that after her first fall about five years ago. It's been a downward spiral since then.

[shootingstar]

Hope she finds a happier route somehow. She probably appreciates you helping you around.

My mother doesn't have close friends at this time. My father is her closest "friend" but he's not going to be around forever.

She still enjoys sewing (for grandchildren, an accomplished seamstress), for herself, and making certain "heirloom" family foods that she knows we don't have time to prepare.

[OakLeaf]

Tough situation. :( ((((((BikeChick & mom)))))) I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[Catrin]

Bike Chick, sorry to read this about your mom, it is so hard to watch your mom go through this. Sending warm hugs and vibes to you and your mother.

[goldfinch]

Chicken Little, you make a good point and we have wondered about depression. Her doctor has always been part of the problem. None of us like him but she and my stepdad think he's wonderful. He's a pill pusher and Mom dearly likes her pills if you know what I mean. He prescribed Prozac 10 days ago thinking it would help her mood but all it's done is turn her into a pie-eyed zombie. I'm dealing what that issue today.



It takes a number of weeks for Prozac to build up enough to work so I would give it time.

[Jo-n-NY]

Sorry to hear about your Mom BC. It is tough to see our loved ones getting older and going down hill. I see it in my mother in law and I have it back of my head that I will not get like that. My bike keeps my young in body and mind. You are so right, it is best not to stop moving.

[indysteel]

I'm so sorry, Bike Chick. I hope GF is right that you just need to get the anti-depressant more time or, perhaps, switch drugs or tweak the dosage. Hugs to you and your mom.

[Pax]

So sorry to hear about your mom. It's so painful to watch them make poor choices and have no ability to alter the course set in motion by those choices.

[missjean]

My point in sharing all this is that I want each and every one of you to keep moving. It's been heartbreaking to watch my mother lose her ability to walk and with it her quality of life because of her inactivity. Every time I drive home from visiting her, I try to figure out what I can do to keep from ending up in the same situation and remind myself that I need to keep moving. I'm very sad and frustrated by the whole situation but don't know what, if anything else, can be done for her.


Boy, did you hit a nerve with me. I feel for you & I totally understand. My family is going though the exact same thing with my Dad. He has moderate Alzheimer's and that makes trying to get him to get up and move even more difficult. He can no longer understand, or care, that sitting all day is the reason he has difficulty moving. The toll it is taking on my Mom is just heartbreaking.
Just this past week I have spent hours on the phone calling different agencies to try to find some sort help that can do in-home exercising. I think I finally found what we are looking for, and now we have to go over their finances to see what they can afford. Thank god my folks are pretty well set money wise, because their 2 different insurance plans and the VA (Dad's a vet) have been worthless.
The VA has been a bureaucratic circus and the insurance is happy to pay for endless doctor's visits, MRI's, pills, walkers, wheelchairs etc. but refuses to pay for a couple of PT sessions a week which would actually make a difference in my Dad's life.

I say the exact same thing to myself - get up and move! I don't want to do to my daughter's what I going though now.

[emily_in_nc]

That is so sad, Bike Chick. I am really sorry. I know 75 years old might sound "old" to some on here, but my mother is 77, and although I have complained here before about her not being willing to "exercise", she does at least garden, go to the grocery store, cook (she still has dinner parties relatively frequently), and her health is actually quite good despite being overweight. She sits a lot (reading), but is still quiet spry for her age. I think she would feel even better if she'd at least take walks around her neighborhood, but it is quite hilly, and she just won't do it.

Compared to your mom, she is in great shape. Hearing your story reminds me of how much worse it could be. My grandfather got like that too, but not until his 90s. He had Alzheimer's and fell down and broke a hip. After that he had to go from assisted living to a nursing home, and basically just waited for about another year, year and a half to die. He had no motivation for PT or to do anything but sleep. It was very sad, but he was 96 when he died, so a bit more understandable. It's too early for someone of 75 to be like this, I think!

I wish you the very best. It must be very hard.

[Antaresia]

I sympathize, my Grandpa was much the same way. It's so frustrating, but it sounds like she's made her choice.

Take care, I know I plan on riding my bike until I can't anymore, then I'll probably get a recumbent tricycle.

[OakLeaf]

I wish I knew what to do to keep my husband from going down that road.

[Crankin]

This is definitely a mental health issue.
Ah, PCPs are not always that well versed in treating these issues. At the least, you might try to find a gerontologist MD, or at least a mental health specialist (counselor, social worker) who works with the elderly. Even if a therapist can't prescribe, he or she will have a connection with someone who can and they can provide a wealth of assistance for your mom and you.

[GLC1968]

I'm so sorry, Bikechick, that's got to be so hard to watch.

What's oddly related is that I've fallen quite a bit in the past few days (I'm still on crutches) and I'm finding myself sore and bruised all over. Just today I was thinking that maybe I'll stop trying to do so much stuff because I'm sick of falling. That won't really happen because I'm even more sick of sitting around, but I can kind of see how things can quickly spiral downward easy enough. Falling sucks and falling repeatedly is demoralizing and frustrating even for people like me who don't have depression issues or who are otherwise healthy.

And your situation is hard for me to imagine as my mom (who is 70, so slightly younger) is still regularly competing in tennis tournaments. I know that my mom put on a little weight and she struggles with various health issues, but she's still highly active and mobile for a woman of her age. I should appreciate her more, I think!

[NbyNW]

Just wanted to post something inspirational on the topic of staying active into your golden years:

Johanna Quaas (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/03/30/86-year-old-german-gymnast-johanna-quaas_n_1390656.html)

[Owlie]

((Bikechick)) It can't be easy.

[Bike Chick]

Just wanted to post something inspirational on the topic of staying active into your golden years:

Johanna Quaas (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/03/30/86-year-old-german-gymnast-johanna-quaas_n_1390656.html)

Wow! That's a woman that never stopped moving. I just had to post that one on facebook;)

No, it's not easy watching Mom's decline. I've been so vocal about her sendentary lifestyle over the years that she will get defensive with me when I try to encourage her. I spoke with her nurse last night and he said he thinks Mom believes that she's done something wrong and her punishment is the nursing home and physical therapy. She's lost her ability to think rational or carry on a conversation. It's very sad.

It's also interesting to note that Mom has lost 20 pounds since her admission in February. It's alarming but the reality is that Mom has always been a closet eater. She would pick at her food during her meals but had cookies and candy stashed all over the kitchen--she enjoyed the sugar (who doesn't). She's still picking at her food but now she's not sustaining herself on cookies between meals.

Crankin, I wanted to take her to a geriatric specialist and have her evaluated but the closest one is over an hour away and it would be too hard on her to transport her there.

Miss Jean, I feel the same as you. I don't want my children to go through this with me and have told them so. They joke with me about it but I told them in 20 years, it won't be a joke.

Thank you all for your support and for relaying your own experiences. It helps a lot to know other people have gone through this too.

[WindingRoad]

BikeChick ))))))Hugs(((((((

It is hard no doubt about that. Like Miss Jean my father is also struggling with Alzheimer's Disease. Of course my mother is the one having to deal with things first hand which is super hard she isn't as young as she once was (though you cannot tell her this). They live in a rural area so my Mom does a lot of manual labor around their property which is good that it keeps her busy but I think she is overdoing it much of the time. My Dad also seems content just to sit and eat and watch TV. He watches the same shows over and over. It's sad because my Mom feels she is losing her husband and misses him like he was. He just thinks she picks on him all the time to take 'those damn pills' so it is hard on both of them. My Dad is on antidepressants too as he has a long history of issues of depression and bipolar disorder. BikeChick it does sound like you mother is suffering from depression but she is also her own person and short of forcing her to take pills, you can't make the decision for her and you shouldn't blame yourself for the choices she has made.

I guess I just wanted to say I feel for you and you aren't alone. If you ever need to rant a bit IM me:)

I can't help remembering something my 85 year old grandmother used to say at times like this: "Old age ain't for sissies" That saying makes a lot more sense now that I'm older.

[emily_in_nc]

Take care, I know I plan on riding my bike until I can't anymore, then I'll probably get a recumbent tricycle.

Ditto, ditto, ditto! :D

[Fredwina]

It might be worth Taking Crankin's advice. About three month ago I had to move my 84 year old from Swampeast Misery(across the river from Little Egypt) since she couldn't live alone anymore. The place we found is in Memphis TN. she now has a geriatrician as her primary care MD (plus my cousin, The MSN) and is doing a lot better. She 's sitting next me to right now ;)

[Crankin]

I was just going to say this. The hour travel is worth it; call the gerontologist's office and make an appt. and then ask about the best way to get your mom there, which will be the least painful for both of you. Do not let the distance or her complaining deter you. Once you meet with this person, they will be able to help you with all of this stuff. It's his/her job. You may have to pay some $ to get assistance in transport, but again, it will be worth it.

I guess i should appreciate my 87 year old dad, who still lives on his own (with roommates my age). He has medical stuff and a few other oddities, but my brother is there to handle it and overall, he's pretty good. Everyone in my family, except my mom, lived to their early 90's, with full mind and sort of OK body (none of them were active, in the sense that we all are). My mom's father worked up until the day he died at 92, and there were tons of scrap metal sales people vying for his accounts at the end, like "when are you going to retire or die?"