Another ex question

[badger]

I've not heard from him since late November so I really want to keep it that way, but...

I have a few boxes of his stuff (mostly snow boarding clothes) at my mother's place. She asked me to move those boxes because she's selling her place. Since they're not mine, I have no idea what to do with them. I have no space for his junk and I really don't want to ask him what he wants done with them. I'd sooner just give them to charity, but like I said, they're not mine.

Thoughts?

[shootingstar]

Tough one. Could someone ask him on your behalf, that at least you want his ok, to give them away to a Goodwill store? (At least the money is not for yourself. But for charity.)

[badger]

That's the whole point, I don't want to open any channel of communication and it would be difficult for him to pick up as he's in England.

[Irulan]

Just get rid of it already.

[Owlie]

I'm with Irulan. He hasn't asked for it back, and I don't think you want to ship it to him. Get rid of it.

[PamNY]

He's in England and he hasn't asked for it? Donate it.

[Blueberry]

Donate it. Don't sell it. I wouldn't even open the boxes.

[Wahine]

+1 on donating it without thinking any further about it. Would a storage company give him any different options if he had left his stuff in a storage unit and not paid for it?

[TsPoet]

I dunno, I disagree - if he's respecting your request to leave you alone, but wants this stuff, then he should be cut some slack.
Depending on value- if it's not that hard for him to replace, then go for it. If we are talking about a $200 snow board, then it could start some (more) hard feelings.
I like the idea of finding an intermediary to contact him on your behalf, if you've got one.

edit - my SO thinks you should drop them on his doorstep and just leave it there. I realize he's in England, but does he have a local squat or friends or something?

[smilingcat]

I sent my ex's stuff to his brother. I'm with TSPoet on this one even though Wahine has a good point. Maybe I'm just too nice.

[badger]

I'm leaning more towards trying to repatriate the stuff rather than donating them. I know he could have contacted me to get the stuff, but what if he's keeping quiet to respect my wishes?

He does have a friend here but I've not heard a reply to my text. He travels a lot, and even though I've been to his house once, I doubt I'll be able to find it again as he's torn it down and is building a new one. My guess is from the lack of a reply he's out of town.

I've also thought about an intermediary - a friend who lives near him. It still felt like I was opening a channel to communicate as well as feeling cowardly asking a 3rd party.

I know those of you who are in the camp to donate will be annoyed by my indecision - especially considering I'm still harbouring a lot of anger and resentment towards him, but I'm not out to be a heartless b*tch either.

[NbyNW]

I say donate it. I remember the snowboard thread and I think it's very odd that he left all this stuff with you, as if it's a way to maintain a connection.

If I were spending an extended amount of time on the other side of the pond, I sure as heck wouldn't be leaving my snow sports gear behind. Friends in London tell me it's pretty easy to travel to a number of ski resorts from there. I can't imagine having that opportunity but then not taking advantage of it because my gear is on another continent. And you know, rental gear can really be hit or miss.

Your ex's stuff is a burden to you. Get rid of it the easiest way possible. If it makes you feel better to go through a third party, why not. Just be honest with yourself about what lengths you are willing to go to and don't do any more than that.

Donating is a great option. There is no reason you should feel guilty about it. It will help someone.

[jyyanks]

Drop it off at his friend doorstep with a note. "Sorry that you have to be in the middle but I would appreciate it if you give this back to x "

[roadie gal]

Be honest with yourself. Which is going to make you feel worse: the guilt from just giving his stuff away or the aggravation of trying to find some friend of his to either take his stuff or contact him about it? Once you figure it out go with whatever works best for YOU.

[Biciclista]

if i was his friend, even if i was one of his better friends, i would be annoyed at having to store his stuff. Donate it. It will all be out of style and maybe even the wrong size when he needs it again.
if it makes you feel better, keep a receipt and when he comes back in 5 years wanting it, you can hand him the receipt for his taxes.

[tulip]

The sooner you get rid of it, the sooner you will really move on. These reminders of him keep popping up. You have control over that. Decide how you are going to do it, and then just do it. If its not financially feasible to send it to him, just get rid of it. It's only stuff.

[lph]

Indecision is fine. We're all different, and what works for you is what will make you feel best. He has no obvious claim to getting it back. I would just say that hanging on to it is the only bad choice.

[Wahine]

Be honest with yourself. Which is going to make you feel worse: the guilt from just giving his stuff away or the aggravation of trying to find some friend of his to either take his stuff or contact him about it? Once you figure it out go with whatever works best for YOU.

I think that roadie gal phrased this perfectly. Think about what is going to be the least emotionally disruptive for you taking into account feelings of guilt and potential stress if there ends up being contact between the two of you.

When my ex and I split, we went back and forth a fair bit where he didn't want to hear from me and I didn't want to hear from him. When we were not contacting each other for emotional reasons, if I really needed something that was at the house (it took a long time before the "stuff" side of things was sorted out), I just sent him a brief and polite to the point email and a neutral drop off was arranged. The stuff that I didn't think of until 1 year later, well a lot of that got thrown away or donated, whatever. And guess what, I don't miss it. So while I was annoyed at first that he had done this with some of my stuff, in the end it realy didn't matter and I was fine without it. So, I would say that if he hasn't mentioned it yet, then he's not really all that attached to it. He could have contacted your mother afterall, he didn't even have to contact you directly in order to get it.