Teachers/Parents Advice

[limewave]

My DD told me that there were a couple of girls that were picking on her at daycare. These are older kids 6/7 age, it's more of an after-school program than daycare. Anywho . . . I'm was not surprised to hear this, I know the aforementioned girls and had the displeasure of coaching them in little league soccer :(

What DID surprise me is what DD told me next, that her teacher told her to "go over and knock over their castle." (Apparently they were building a large castle out of legos/blocks.)

I'm not a "I'll-show-them" "get-them-back" "eye-for-an-eye" person. I have found that having an attitude like that usually escalates the situation rather than diffusing it. I want to teach my kids to take the higher ground. I am perturbed that the teacher encouraged DD to be destructive and aggressive towards the other girls.

Do I talk to the teacher about this?

I talked to DD about it. She was pretty upset and confused because she was only "doing what her teacher told her to do." I explained that sometimes teachers are wrong, she needs to think for herself, ask herself if what she's being asked/told is the RIGHT thing to do.

[malkin]

Ew.

First, it is wonderful that DD told you! and that you could speak with her about your values in the situation. That's good mom work. :)

Next, follow up with the care providers about what their policy is for handling bullying and encouraging social skill development in the kids. Depending on the structure of the place, you may want to speak directly with the instructor who gave the "knock down their castle" instruction or you may want to go further up the supervisory chain.

[zoom-zoom]

I can't imagine that talking to a teacher who tells a little girl to do something that is clearly wrong will help.

Horrible.

Ugh, that's sort of the reaction I have, as well. I think taking to the teacher, as Malkin suggested, is a good idea. It may not help, but I don't think it would hurt.

I think I'm more irritated by the teacher's reaction than I am by the bullying kids. The kids still have time to learn to not be jerks!

[channlluv]

I think you handled it well, and yes, if it were me, I'd talk to the teacher in private. She probably regretted saying it as soon as it was out of her mouth. And if she wasn't, I'd consider bringing it up with her supervisor.

I like that you're encouraging your daughter to do what she feels is right, even if someone in authority is suggesting otherwise.

Roxy

[limewave]

I think I'm more irritated by the teacher's reaction than I am by the bullying kids. The kids still have time to learn to not be jerks!

I don't blame the girls. They have really messed up home/family lives. I know what I witnessed first hand at soccer and can't even imagine how screwed up things are behind closed doors :eek: Which is another reason I'm extra upset about the teachers reaction. These girls need to be shown kindness especially in the face of adversity.

[OakLeaf]

Not to stir the pot, but are you 100% sure that your daughter is telling you the truth?

[Veronica]

Well first of all, gasp! teachers aren't perfect. I don't think a week goes by that I don't wish I had phrased something a little differently, or just left my mouth shut. :rolleyes:

I'd certainly go talk to the teacher and find out what her intention had been. And teachers don't always know everything about every child. There isn't enough time in the day to get to really know every single kid. And, I don't allow a messed up home life to excuse poor behavior, or forgetting your meds, or having too much sugar for breakfast... Of course, I'm working with 10 year olds, not 6 year olds. Ten year olds understand group norms a bit better.

Veronica

[limewave]

Not to stir the pot, but are you 100% sure that your daughter is telling you the truth?

I had thought about that. Which is why I want to be careful about approaching the teacher. I don't want to be accusatory. Although I have a feeling what I was told was an accurate portrayal of the events . . . at least from DD's perspective.

V: I come from a long line of school teachers. I've heard all sorts of stories. I usually give them the benefit of the doubt.

[Crankin]

Not to upset anyone, but after school program teachers, even in a public school, are not necessarily certified teachers. It doesn't mean that this behavior is excusable, but just that you are not dealing with the same thing as a classroom teacher.
I would talk to the teacher first, saying, "This is what my daughter told me, and I just want to check this out..." If you are not satisfied with the resolution, talk to her supervisor.

[beccaB]

I would definitely talk to the teacher. I work with kids and I know how they can embellish, although I'm not saying I don't take them at their word, I just would want to hear it from another perspective.

[Tri Girl]

I would talk to the adult. The teacher may have said that (wrongly, of course) out of frustration if she'd been dealing with those little girls and was having one of those "moments". I know sometimes when I've dealt with one or two "trying" children and I'm at my wits end, I have to watch my words carefully so I don't let on I'm frustrated to anyone.

Sometimes things get turned around in their little minds through no fault of their own, tho. Like the K kiddo who went home and told his dad that Mrs. B said he couldn't take a book home until he brought all his books from home to school. I really told him he couldn't take a book home until he brought back his book from home. He had it kinda right. ;) The dad was very accusatory to me at first (I'm not sure why he really thought I would tell the child I wanted all his books from home), but when I told him what I really said, he just laughed.

I used to always tell my homeroom parents when I taught 5th grade: "I'll believe about half of what your child says about YOU, if you'll believe about half of what they say about ME."

Hope you get it resolved. :)

[Melalvai]

I expected this to be a story where the teacher told the kid to "just ignore it" or "he likes you" kind of thing. I think "go get revenge" is, while still not right, at least better than "just ignore it"!

I agree with everything everyone else said.

[Wahine]

I agree with everyone here about talking to the teacher and I also want to echo that what was said by the teacher may or may not have been exactly what your DD perceived. I have no doubt that your DD told you exactly what she thought was the truth. And it may be the truth. But it may also be a misunderstanding. I run into this all the time with my patients. They come in telling me that "The Dr. said I was supposed to do X." They are almost always absolutely certain that's what they were told. If it doesn't make sense, I always check back with the doc and invariably the patient was told something that they misunderstood to be something else.

So I would approach it that way by saying something like "I know that very often kids can misunderstand instructions and I wanted to clarify something. DD came home the other day and told me X. I was surprised because it didn't strike me as a method of dealing with bullying that would be encouraged so I wanted to make sure that she is dealing with these other girls' behaviour appropriately. And BTW, what is your policy/approach to bullying?"

It can also be very helpful in these situations to say something complimentary to the person you're talking to before you get to the meat of things. It helps to keep people from automatically getting their hackles up. Once that happens, the person won't hear a word of what you are saying and will just be on the defensive.

Communication can be very tricky sometimes. Good luck.

[Miranda]

I think you should talk to the school's principal. Or whomever is in charge of discipline. Sometimes the vice principal.

I say this because our local public school system has a VERY strict policy on bullying. One of the reasons being past violence, to the point of being fatal, that has occurred in schools.

It doesn't matter that the bullies are 6 years old. In 10 years they will be 16 years old. And 20 years 26 years. Maybe in jail being supported by our tax dollars for committing a crime (an act of bullying) that someone called them on, and stood up to, putting a stop to it.

The school administration would be able to tell you if they have such a program. Thus answering if the teacher/caregiver has been trained or not.

Part of the message from the caregiver was "stand up for yourself", "don't be a victim". Which is a good one, in part. However, when you typically take the law into your own hands in society, you end up in trouble yourself. So obviously your DD did the right thing to begin with.

Hope you find some resolve.

[Irulan]

If this is an afterschool program run by a school, it's probably staffed by low wage, non teacher personnel with some sort of supervisor, NOT teachers. This should affect how the whole situation is approached. Not to dis these workers, I'm sure are caring and devoted, but I'd be real surprised if there was any real training in child development, etc.

[Crankin]

That's exactly what I said. I just tried to say it less bluntly :). I am always afraid of offending someone here!
Around here, after school teachers have to have a BA. However, in AZ this was not true. My cousin, who has a BA in early childhood ed, has been an "after school" kindergarten teacher (she gets the kids when their 1/2 or 2/3 day is over) for 20 years. She's really good, but she has a reading disability which has made her hesitant about taking on the rigors of a regular position.
So yes, the teacher's supervisor might be someone from Community Education, or whoever runs the after school program, or it could be the principal.

[limewave]

Everyone's replies are so helpful! I didn't want to rush in and be the angry, overreacting parent, but I also didn't want to just let it go. All of you are confirming what I have been feeling but just wasn't sure about the best way to go about it.

I think what I will do . . .
I have a good relationship with the supervisor (I know she has a BA in education--not sure about the other staff). Because of our relationship, I feel like I can casually approach her with this. She also knows DD very well, they have a special bond. She will have a good feel for the situation. I like starting with "There may have been a misunderstanding, DD came home and told me such and such . . . perhaps she misunderstood . . ."

This will give me an opportunity to find out what has been going on. There are many nights that DD tells me these same girls tease her. I know teasing is a part of being a kid and growing up, but it sucks when its your kid :( There are nights where she cries and says she never wants to go to school again.

[Melalvai]

This will give me an opportunity to find out what has been going on. There are many nights that DD tells me these same girls tease her. I know teasing is a part of being a kid and growing up, but it sucks when its your kid :( There are nights where she cries and says she never wants to go to school again.
Oh, that sounds like a much bigger problem than this one incident. Honestly I'd seriously consider taking her out of the daycare immediately and finding another one. I know that's a huge undertaking and perhaps impossible but my point is take this seriously. You don't want your daughter to be unhappy. This doesn't have to be a part of growing up unless we let it.

I regret that I wasn't quicker to get my daughter out of situations like this. When she was 16 months and started at a new daycare, it took us two months to decide that no, she wasn't going to adjust to this one. In retrospect I could have made that decision at 4 weeks. When she was 8 and we pulled her out of 3rd grade and homeschooled her the last 2 months of the year. I wish we'd done that much earlier in the year, at the end of the first semester. And I wish my parents had taken me more seriously when I was having problems with a babysitter, and later in high school when I had actually come up with a workable solution. (In fact years later they admitted "We probably should have let you switch schools.")