How to find balance

[ivorygorgon]

Ok, this is going to be long :o DH and I started riding about 3 years ago. Riding quickly developed into a passion for both of us. However, our passions are becoming divergent. DH likes to go hard all time. I like a good challenge; I want to push the envelope and develop as a cyclist, but I don't want to be in the pain cave on every ride. I like a noodle ride now and then.

We joined a cycle club, oh about 8 months ago, I guess. DH loves it and wants to hammer with the big boys. I like riding with the group. They are very nice people, and they challenge me, but they are completely out of my league and way too fast for me. On every ride I end up frustrated and discouraged. But I want to get better so I can hang.

I did just discover that I have a pretty good case of exercise induced asthma, and that is why I always end up with lungs filled with mucous, no energy in my legs, chest pain, and cough, on literally every club ride. Once my heartrate gets to a certain level - here comes the asthma! As you might guess, this leaves me unable to keep up with the group, I fall behind, get discouraged, yada yada.

On another note, DH always wants to do these really tough organized rides. He completed the Death Ride last year. We are signed up for a 100 mile, 10,000 feet of gain ride in April. We want to do a double this year, and we put a team together for the Furnace Creek 508. I thought I wanted to do these things, but now I am wondering if I do. I have kinda lost my enthusiasm and I think I would rather, maybe, sit on the couch.

So how do I find the balance? I want to ride, I want to ride with the group. I want to ride with DH. I want to be able to breathe. I want to have fun on my rides. I want to push and get better as a cyclist. I need to be challenged. But I just don't feel I can have all of those things.

I know there is TE wisdom out there! Help :D

[tealtreak]

Ok, this is going to be long :o DH and I started riding about 3 years ago. Riding quickly developed into a passion for both of us. However, our passions are becoming divergent. DH likes to go hard all time. I like a good challenge; I want to push the envelope and develop as a cyclist, but I don't want to be in the pain cave on every ride. I like a noodle ride now and then.

We joined a cycle club, oh about 8 months ago, I guess. DH loves it and wants to hammer with the big boys. I like riding with the group. They are very nice people, and they challenge me, but they are completely out of my league and way too fast for me. On every ride I end up frustrated and discouraged. But I want to get better so I can hang.

I did just discover that I have a pretty good case of exercise induced asthma, and that is why I always end up with lungs filled with mucous, no energy in my legs, chest pain, and cough, on literally every club ride. Once my heartrate gets to a certain level - here comes the asthma! As you might guess, this leaves me unable to keep up with the group, I fall behind, get discouraged, yada yada.

On another note, DH always wants to do these really tough organized rides. He completed the Death Ride last year. We are signed up for a 100 mile, 10,000 feet of gain ride in April. We want to do a double this year, and we put a team together for the Furnace Creek 508. I thought I wanted to do these things, but now I am wondering if I do. I have kinda lost my enthusiasm and I think I would rather, maybe, sit on the couch.

So how do I find the balance? I want to ride, I want to ride with the group. I want to ride with DH. I want to be able to breathe. I want to have fun on my rides. I want to push and get better as a cyclist. I need to be challenged. But I just don't feel I can have all of those things.

I know there is TE wisdom out there! Help :D
I wish I had great wisdom- instead I can only offer hugs from cyberspace and a view from the other side. My DH (of 26 years (:!!!!) developed a lupus like autoimmune disease in 09 almost died- now recovered but WAY less active and also kinda lost interest. It has not hurt our marriage, we still do other stuff together. For example on vacation I get up before dawn and do a death ride or paddle then in the later day I am content to hike calmly with him. I guess what I am thinking is he should respect your health and feelings and you could maybe tell him "go ahead, get your fix" and have a moderate ride together on his other days?........hope that helps a little- hang in there and see a good Pulmonist for your asthma! (:

[Melalvai]

Give yourself permission to grieve over the loss of a dream. That will help you accept that the world isn't exactly the way you want it to be.

This is the exact words I tell myself when I want A and B but they are mutually exclusive and no amount of yelling and controlling and logistics will make it otherwise!

Once you've done that go back and figure out what it is you really want. There may be another way to achieve that goal. I get trapped into this tunnel vision where I think it has to be both A and B because that's the only way to get to Z, until someone (ie DH) knocks me over the head (figuratively) and reminds me that there are 23 other potential paths. Or more depending on which alphabet you use!

[bluebug32]

Last season I was overcoming an injury and my husband was training for his first racing season. Often times we didn't, or couldn't, do the same rides. Later in the season after I was better, I would really push myself once or twice a week on group rides with him and then the other days I would either do my own ride or find a few females or slower guys to go out with. I enjoyed this because he went off and made his own friends and I had time to myself and to recover.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but easy days are imperative for avoiding injury/overtraining and also for a mental break. It sounds like he's getting what he wants out of riding, but now I think it's time for you to do the same. It can be easy to see our partner as a crutch (if I have a flat, he'll be there, etc), but I think riding on your own or finding others that are your speed will really pay off in the end.

[Crankin]

My DH naturally evolved to be being more of the kind of rider that I am. In the interim, I got faster, he's fine with rides at my average, and if he wants to hammer he does it on his commutes. I also found a group of like minded riders that are a sub group of a club known for more hard core rides, as well as finding a couple of other individuals to ride with. That being said, I do most of my riding with DH. He pushes me once in awhile, still, but only when I feel like it!
DH did not really enjoy nordic skiing like I did, and for a few years was not as skilled as me. When he got new skis which allowed for better control, he improved and now we are fairly equal. It was good for me to be on the other side, for once. On the other hand, I do more all around fitness stuff. If I didn't push him, all he would do is ride.
I am trying to think back to when DH started riding and I was still a gym rat, who was burned out and gaining weight. He generally scheduled his rides at times when I was at the gym, or doing something else. We still did other things together, and I never felt jealous. You need to talk to your DH and get your physical health under control. My view of this changed when I had a mysterious illness 4 years ago; I had to give up some control and enjoy taking walks and slow rides. I spent one summer doing a lot of farm stand rides, to the tune of 300 miles, and not worrying about my speed on road rides. I still go through periods when I can't do as much as I want, but because my sports activities are a bit more varied now and DH shares most of them with me, I am fine.

[goldfinch]

As others have said, make sure that your asthma is being treated. Your asthma on your hard rides can be dangerous. My asthma has mostly disappeared but I used to have to use an inhaler before exercising. I still have to if it is hot and humid.

But even if the asthma is well treated you might not be able to do everything you want. I can't. I can't keep up on group rides. So I found a few riders who ride at my pace and enjoy the ride. I am competitive. But I will never be an A group athlete as a 57 year old person who was fat and sedentary for years.

I am not a person for marriage advice. My spouse and I live apart for half the year. Otherwise we would be divorced. We talk several times every day and share what we have done that day. That keeps us connected. He has started riding some, and was up to 10 miles in one ride by this past fall. We ride together slowly and chat. I love those rides.

FWIW.

[shootingstar]

Is there another bike club for you that allows to build up more for your pace?

I don't think your DH needs to pulll away from the cycling club but he and you should find a way to cycle together, outside of the club.

Just cycling with him will challenge you most likely. Remember there are many different ways of riding hard and bike touring for several weeks with your own pannier weight, would certainly give both of you a well-rounded experiences of better fitness, marital closeness,etc. :D

He did belong to cycling group when I first knew him and went off to ride with others. It never bothered me since I was still a newbie and happy to tool around on my own to build up distance and stamina.

He is not the type of cyclist that belongs to cycling clubs/groups but has joined up some multi-day rides on his own...while I worked. In the cycling world, his "membership", socializing is with cycling advocates where he puts his off-bike effort.

And cycling solo across Canada and U.S. twice while..I worked. :D Even though we're not together during those times, it helps alot that we chat up abit about cycling. Not alot of conversation on cycling (since cycling is only a small connection between us), but we instinctively understand how to support the one another when a person is tired/hurt/discouraged or ..exhilarated.

Dearie was never the sort of rider that had to be with a pile of other riders to become stronger rider..he just did alot of it on his own. So we suit one another...semi-hermits, independently motivated but like being with other cyclists from time to time.

Because of a 16 yr. age gap between he and I, over time he will/has become slower but then it suits me. I'm also used to cycling on my own. :o If I wasn't, I would be shattered....we split time across 2 cities.

[Crankin]

And, I wanted to add that I have been married for 32 years...
Cycling is the first sport that DH and I have shared. While we have enjoyed many other things together, we have really made cycling/outdoor activity the focus of what we do. Some people think we are weird, in that we prefer being together rather than doing things alone. However, some of the cycling related things that I have done alone (like TE, riding with the group I found) have enhanced what we do together a lot. In fact, I think these things have influenced DH to be more of the kind of cyclist I am. He occasionally rides with the group, but it is still more my thing. Perhaps some of this is just getting older, but DH will always be stronger than me and I accept that.

[lph]

So how do I find the balance? I want to ride, I want to ride with the group. I want to ride with DH. I want to be able to breathe. I want to have fun on my rides. I want to push and get better as a cyclist. I need to be challenged. But I just don't feel I can have all of those things.


You can have all of those things, you just can't have them all at the same time. :)

My dh and I share many interests, rock climbing has been the big one for more than a decade, cycling, kayaking, XC skiing. He's naturally thin and lightboned and "trains up" very easily, on the other hand I am way more dedicated to regular training than he is. This means we've been at varying levels of skill throughout the years, and we haven't always enjoyed doing these activities together at times when we've been very mismatched. It's not just about one person slowing down and the other one gearing up, it's more that the experience of being out there together just isn't the same if one person is really fit and skilled and the other one is barely keeping up. But this is probably because we're not basically out there to look at the view, we enjoy physically challenging ourselves.

But luckily the mismatch in skill level has gone both ways, and we've always had our family outings with our son too, where just being with him, noodling around and chatting has been more important. And we've discovered that doing these things with other people at times is fine, we still enjoy talking about it and sharing our experiences. It's more important to us that we understand each other and share our enjoyment of these activities than that we actually do all of them together.

Getting fit will take time, finding out how to cope with your asthma will take time, but all of this will feel very hard to deal with if you're comparing yourself to the wrong person as you go. Your relationship with your dh will not suffer if you don't ride with him all the time (unless that's the only thing he does, of course), but it will suffer if you feel resentful and inadequate.

How about you challenge him to try something neither of you are good at, on his off days? Yoga? :)

[jyyanks]

My DH hates cycling and he won't ever go with me. At first I was hurt, and did all these things (including buying him a bike which he returned) to see if I could get him interested and it didn't work.

Bottom line is that he what he wanted was different from what I wanted and I had to learn to respect that. In your case, you both have similar interests but he prefers to ride hard whereas you need a break once in awhile. To make this work, you just have to realize that maybe you can't always do what he wants and vice versa. By trying to keep up with him, you're getting turned off on the sport that you love. Remember what made you fall in love with cycling in the first place and slowly work at your pace to get to the level you want to be at. You don't always have to be together just because you share the same interest. Branch out and find other riders who like to ride the way you do and ride with your DH on the weekends or during certain events.

I tend to ride alone but I recently joined a cycling club where I hope to meet people to ride with. I used to feel bitter that my DH wouldn't join me, but I've learned to love the freedom of going on my own and not having to worry about what another person is thinking/doing/feeling while I'm riding. Come Spring, I'll start going on rides with my new club. My DH is happy that I've found something that makes me happy. When I go on rides, he watches the kids and when he plays his music, it's my turn.

We found balance, we just had to accept that we were both different and we didn't need to mold to each others interests.

[Tri Girl]

It's OK is you don't want those things anymore. You have to deal with your health first!

When I started riding my DH joined me a few months after I got my first bike. We were totally into triathlons and racing that first year. Then he wanted to get faster and faster, and I didn't. I'm content with riding for fun and not because I need to beat a so-and-so avg. pace. I still do triathlons, but not competitively. We never ride together even tho we start out together. Same with running. We always start out together and go our own pace. When we ride centuries, he rides with his fast buddies, and I ride solo at my own leisurely pace. Sometimes happiness is loving the same things, but not necessarily together. ;)
In fact, in the last few years I've discovered touring by bike- something that DH finds boring and silly (why carry all that stuff on your bike- you can't go fast :p). I do overnight bike trips with friends and he doesn't come. And it's OK.

I hope you find your balance. Do what you want. You might not be able to keep up with the fasties (or maybe you can if you can get that asthma under control). Keep us updated.

[Reesha]

Hi Ivory!

I agree with everyone who has said take care of your asthma. I have the same condition, although I can 'train myself up' to a level before the mucous really sets in. If my aerobic abilities are poor, it sets in very early and I need my inhaler before all sorts of exercise. Even now, I've been doing tons of low intensity training, but a group ride would have me wheezing the rest of the day.

I would see a doctor and see what they recommend. They may make you go through allergy testing too (I did-- though I don't find there's much connection) and a methacholine challenge (inducing asthma attacks basically to figure stuff out). I was on advair, a daily asthma manager, but I am not anymore. The corticosteroids do the trick for me. Later this season when I've done more high intensity stuff, I will need the inhaler less and less, but when I'm just getting into shape, it really helps control the mucous and wheezing.

Best of luck to you and I hope you find a solution!

[Kiwi Stoker]

Get a tandem.

Firstly even though you have to pedal all the time, the effort doesn't have to be the same between two riders. I know someone that was a elite level rider. He grabbed someone in the bike shop and took them on a 160km charity ride. They did really well.

I ride on a tandem because I know I am never going to be as fast as my DH. I wanted company, I wanted to feel safe on long rides and I wanted my repairman with me.

The tandem has meant that when I was recovering from a serious injury I could ride earlier than on my single bike.

Interesting DH wanted to ride a charity ride on his own so I recurited a work collegue who was an expert rider and also rode tandem with his wife to pilot me. It was amazing! With his power riding it was soo much easy. We stopped for breaks but we still managed to do 160km in 5 hours. On my own at normally take 8hrs.

And tandems also have advantages- they fly down hills and on the flats. Not so great are the uphills but well you cannot have it all. People on singles love them and everyone waves and smiles when they see a tandem.

It could be the answer to your problem. Go rent a reasonable tandem (not a beach cruiser!) and see if it works.

[Biciclista]

hmm, Kiwi, tandem is a great idea. OTOH, My dear husband is a mileage nut. 100k 200k 400k 600k... again and again. I can't tell you HOW many times he said he wished I could do "this 200k" or "that 200k" with him. But i didn't want to. And I never will. So HE learned that if he wanted to ride with me, he had to do shorter rides too. And he did.
of course, now (post cancer surgery) all he can DO is short rides, so I am riding with him whenever I can.

[ivorygorgon]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

DH and I have been together for over 25 years, I think we just might divorce if we tried a Tandem! LOL.

I am working with a doctor on the asthma. We are in the very early stages, and I will be honest, I don't have much faith in the medical field for helping with general wellness, but I am willing to follow through and try whatever. I wouldn't want to take medication every day, but I could see trying something if I knew was going to go on a harder ride.

I actually am trying to get the mental place that it seems Tri-Girl is at. I do think we can both be happy. I keep trying to encourage DH to go out with the club on his own and to have fun, but he holds back sometimes because he wants to do things with me. I don't want to hold him back or be a downer on his fun.

DH and I have done several centuries together, and we have had a great time doing that. I think we could still do that, and he could still ride with the club and get his hammering in. He looks so happy when he rides with the club.

Our Trek group is starting up again later this month. They have done a really good job of dividing the groups up by speed. I am thinking I will get in with them. You can move up or down in the groups as you feel like it. I usually ride with the group that averages 15-16 MPH, and that is pretty comfortable for me. I could do that while DH rides with the other club.

LPH: I appreciate you comment about comparing myself to the wrong people. I get into trouble doing this. When I compare myself to me, I am wildly happy with my progress and where I am. It's when I compare myself to others that I get down. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

[spokewench]

The thing with asthma is this. From personal experience and husband experience. Dependent on how bad it is, but at first probably always, you need to take medication every day because you need to get the inflammation, etc. under control. This will take a while and you have to be diligent about it. You also have to realize what your triggers are, i.e. if it is exercise induced only, do you have other triggers like allergies, is it worse different times of the year due to allergies. If it is mostly exercise induced and you go to high altitude when you are not used to it, it will be worse! Take your inhaler.

As far as the issues with your hubby wanting to do something and you do not, you have to decide what you want. You will probably never keep up with him. I was never able to keep up with my hubby, so we rarely road mtn bikes together, but sometimes road and I would draft off him a lot. If we got a hill and he left me, so be it! You have to realize that he has different goals and different abilities as a guy and not get weirded out about it. If you go for a ride with a group and get dropped - oh well. We all have our limitations. It is up to you do decide to like how, what and why you ride. Once you make this decision, everything else will be okay.

Go on rides by yourself at your ability level. Enjoy those. Go on rides with others that are faster and if you get dropped chalk it up to training!

If he wants to do the death ride and you are not up to it all but you still want to go, which as we all know is really difficult, just do 2 or three passes, go find a nice place to rest and watch the riders go by. Read a book, whatever. Enjoy the day the way you want to enjoy it!

I know it is hard to balance all this cause I had a competitive racer husband, but you just have to decide what you want and then live within those boundaries. This does not mean that you don't try to get better, but you do it at your pace, not your hubby's.

[Sky King]

Sounds like you two are still on the same page :) I have learned to express myself more as the DH and I have had more time to ride together. He is a recovering racer and for years we rode separately. Talking, talking and encouraging each other. I hate riding in groups so have to force myself to do so, especially now that I am more into touring and adventure riding. The DH is much stronger and loves the occasional pace line.

I hear you bout the tandem, I am the chatter box and when we tour sometimes we will ride the entire day a couple 100 yards apart so the DH can have his alone time :)

[ny biker]

I am working with a doctor on the asthma. We are in the very early stages, and I will be honest, I don't have much faith in the medical field for helping with general wellness, but I am willing to follow through and try whatever. I wouldn't want to take medication every day, but I could see trying something if I knew was going to go on a harder ride.

My grandmother lived with us when I was growing up. She had asthma, and it ruled her life. She couldn't do anything or go anywhere. Eventually she developed emphysema.

My father also has asthma. He is so much better off than his mother was. His condition has gradually gotten worse over the years, but at 76 he is more active than many people in their 50s.

So I can tell you that I have seen up close and personal how well current asthma treatments work, and how much they have improved over the years.

For me, asthma is primarily exercise induced, but I use an inhaler every day to control inflammation and it makes a noticeable difference in my ability to breathe while I exercise.

[Tri Girl]

I'm on asthma meds daily. I don't love it, but I know I have to do it in order to be active. My doc recommends twice a day Advair doses, but I honestly only do it once (and I've told her this). When I notice that I'm feeling a bit tighter in the chest I will do it twice a day (most especially around higher allergy times).

Your DH is perhaps more considerate than mine. he doesn't want to hold himself back, so he doesn't. ;) And he doesn't feel like he has to stay back with me. I will say that on long rides he will double back sometimes to come find me and make sure I'm OK, but if it's a supported ride, he just takes off at his own pace and drops me. It *really* used to bother me, and I'd get upset with him, but the I just realized that he has to do his own thing, and since his goals are to get faster and mine are to just do it- I had to let it (and him) go off and do his thing.

You'll find your balance, don't worry.

And after 16 years of marriage- I KNOW that a tandem would come with divorce papers... no doubt about it!!:D

[Wahine]

I have to second what everyone else here has said about making sure that you have your rides and he has his. Separately so that you can both get what you want out of riding.

But here are a few fun ways that my DBF (who is much stronger than I am) and I have found compromise. He will often go out with the hammer heads for 1 or 2 hours, then we meet somewhere and ride together at what would be a recovery pace for him and a decent, but not terribly difficult ride for me. We also go out on rides with some longer hills and he will go up the hills hard, then come back down to hook back up with me and we ride up the rest of the hill together at a chilly chill pace. As long as he goes really hard on the hills, he feels like he's had a great interval workout and yet we're riding together a lot. When we hit the flats, he pulls me at a pace where I can barely hang onto his wheel. This is one of my favorite games because I work really hard, with great encouragement and support from him. The moment he starts to drop me, I whistle to let him know I'm off his wheel. Then he backs off and lets me draft at a much easier pace until I am recovered, then we do it again.

There are ways to let him get what he wants and for you two to still hang together. And there's no shame in using his strength to your advantage. On group rides my DBF often acts like my domestique, bridging me up to the group if I get dropped for example.

I hope that helps some.

[Crankin]

Yup, no tandems here. I'm the one who would shoot my DH if I had to be under his control. We ride side by side or behind each other for hours, but I don't want to be on the back of anyone's bike.
And +1 on the daily asthma meds. I had to do this for awhile, but now my asthma is negligible. I occasionally have to take my Albuterol on a very hot or very cold day, but unless I am sick, I really don't have asthma flare ups anymore.

[emily_in_nc]

Yup, no tandems here. I'm the one who would shoot my DH if I had to be under his control. We ride side by side or behind each other for hours, but I don't want to be on the back of anyone's bike.
And +1 on the daily asthma meds. I had to do this for awhile, but now my asthma is negligible. I occasionally have to take my Albuterol on a very hot or very cold day, but unless I am sick, I really don't have asthma flare ups anymore.

Big ditto here. DH and I actually rode a tandem for years early in our marriage. He was so much stronger than me that it was the only way we could ride together. We had a lot of fun on it and enjoyed events, etc.

Fast forward about 10 years; we had long since sold the tandem, and I had become a much stronger cyclist (still not as strong as him). We enjoyed group rides -- he would ride with the A/B riders and I with the B/C, and we could ride together so long as he took it a bit easy. We decided to buy a lightweight go-fast tandem just for the hell of it.

And it was hell. After becoming a strong cyclist in my own right, I could no longer stand being behind him, unable to see, shift, brake, know what was coming up without him telling me. It made me crazy. He also no longer enjoyed being the captain and having to call out everything, when he was used to being more independent on rides. Managing the tandem also made his upper body and neck really tired, and he just didn't enjoy it much.

Yes, we were fast when everything was clicking, but more often we were arguing and miserable. Rather than get divorced, we sold the tandem after owning it for only a year and went back to our singles. Years later, we're still riding together but on our own bikes. :)