Issues making friends?

[ehirsch83]

I guess this is just a vent really...

I moved to Orlando last February to be with my now fiance after spending a year and a half long distance. I knew some people in Orlando through racing and didn't think it was going to be that hard making friends..

Well almost 1 year later and I have yet to make any real friends. I have people who I see on the bike in the am's at group rides, and they are all really nice- but no one seems to want to socialize off the bike. I can't get anyone to return a text or a call when I try to make plans so I can get to know someone better.

I have tried going to yoga to make friends, but I can't make it consistently and everyone seems so content with who they know that they just ignore me as the new person.

It has left me semi depressed, which is not fun- I spend every night with the fiance, either at home or we will go out and spending time with our dogs- which I love- but there are nights when I wish I had friends to just hang out with- have a girls night,etc.

Every where else I have lived, I have always had a small, but good, group of friends- 3-5 female friends probably.. But now I have 0 here that I feel comfortable actually talking about real life :( Just miss having the ability to go over to a friends house or go out and have a cocktail or some food- get nails done, just talk...

anyone have advice to get out of the rut of not making friends?(right now moving is my best idea- but not realistic!)

[azfiddle]

Just a thought- do you know about meet-up groups for people with particular interests? There might be another interest you could pursue and meet people.

[Irulan]

Volunteering for something you are interested in is a good way to meet people. I've met some of my best mountain biking buddies at trail building projects.

[ny biker]

I've had pretty much the same experience as you, and I've lived here a while now. But as my old friends move away or their lives change with the arrival of kids, I've had very little luck finding new friends to hang out with.

One thing that has worked somewhat was getting involved in a committee for the condo association where I live.

You might try taking a class in something that interests you, like cooking or wine tasting or maybe an art class. Even if you don't meet friendly people there, you will at least get out of the house and do something you enjoy.

[GLC1968]

I know exactly how you feel. I have moved a lot and I can say with all honesty that sometimes it's harder than others. I don't know if certain regions are just more interested in new people than other places? Or maybe some groups are more accepting of new people?

I lived in Greensboro, NC for almost 4 years and when I left, I had zero close friends outside of work.

I've been in Oregon about the same amount of time, and I feel like I have lots of friends that I could just call for a lunch or a drink or whatever...

I'm the same person and I do mostly the same stuff, so it's just really hard to say.

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice. I'd be happy to go out for drinks and girl-talk with you when I'm in town, though! We have an office in Apopka and recruit at UCF, so I will be in the area a couple of times a year. ;)

[indysteel]

Volunteering for something you are interested in is a good way to meet people. I've met some of my best mountain biking buddies at trail building projects.

+1. I think volunteering is good for the soul on a number of levels. Even if you don't end up meeting any close friends, it will at least get you out of the house and interacting with new people.

I feel your pain. As I've detailed in other threads, my move in 2009 to a smaller town 25 miles south of where I used to live and continue to work has been difficult. While I still technically have my old group of friends, it's far harder to see them on a regular basis, and I haven't made any real friends in my new town. It's lonely and challenging. I haven't come up with a great solution as this issue relates to me.

At my age, kids are the biggest common denominator among women...and I have none. But I think Irulan's and azfiddle's suggestions are good ones. Check out your local library for book clubs, too, or any other club that appeals to your interests.

Even without moving to a new location, I've gone through periods of time where I needed to make new friends. When I was in that position, I said "yes" to as many social or civic opportunities as I could. It does take persistence. So, even if it feels like one of the avenues you're already trying isn't paying off, I'd stick with it. It just takes that one person to suddenly make you feel less lonely.

Good luck and hugs to you!

[Penny4]

Sometimes it seems like finding a new friend is harder than finding a significant other! I think as we get older, it's also harder because women are so busy with their kids/families, etc.
Meetup.com is a good suggestion, look for a book club, or women's social group. Also, maybe before your group rides begin, ask if anyone would like to go out for coffee/drinks/lunch, etc afterwards? Maybe there are some other newbies who are looking for friends :)

[PamNY]

I agree with GLC -- some new situations are harder than others for making friends.

What has worked for me: volunteering, and involvement in groups with a common interest (currently birdwatching).

Good luck -- this can be hard. I haven't moved but recently I had a massive "friend loss." Several friends either moved away or died within a brief period, and this was around the time my mother died, too.

Luckily cycling and birding are making things better!

[jessmarimba]

I'm definitely in the same place. After 2.5 years in Denver I'm finally making running "friends" - we go out for breakfast on Saturday's after our group run, but I don't hang out with (or communicate with) any of them outside of running. My hiking group (from meetup) is the same, and yoga, and pilates...etc. We are friendly at what we do but everyone has their own lives. So I do lots of things to keep me around people but I have no one I can just call to say "Hey, lets meet for XYZ!"

And I really miss just randomly running into people I know around town. Denver is just too big for that to happen, even if I knew more people here.

[indysteel]

Sometimes it seems like finding a new friend is harder than finding a significant other! I think as we get older, it's also harder because women are so busy with their kids/families, etc.
Meetup.com is a good suggestion, look for a book club, or women's social group. Also, maybe before your group rides begin, ask if anyone would like to go out for coffee/drinks/lunch, etc afterwards? Maybe there are some other newbies who are looking for friends :)

You know, I do think you sometimes have to approach it like dating. It seems a little weird to ask someone out on a platonic date, but that's kind of what you have to do if you want to move past just being acquaintances. Two of my best friendships more or less developed like that.

I met one of these women at a New Year's Day yoga class that had half the room crying because of the teacher's emotional "New You" theme. Aftewards, the teacher had mimosas for us. I approached the woman whose mat had been next to mine and started talking. Turns out that she was in the middle of a break-up (as was I), had just returned from living in Paris for two years (I was getting ready to go on one of my trips to Paris) and was a cyclist trying to get back into the swing of group rides. I asked her out--platonically--on the spot for coffee. We've been friends since.

Gone are the days (at least at my age) that friendships form as organically as they did in school/college. Sometimes you have to be kind of pushy with people if you sense they are friend-worthy.

[GLC1968]

Gone are the days (at least at my age) that friendships form as organically as they did in school/college. Sometimes you have to be kind of pushy with people if you sense they are friend-worthy.

I think this is VERY true. Two of my good female friendships from other locations were made this way. One was quite funny in that we'd met at a 'girls night out' birthday celebration for a mutual friend and we hit it off. We both wanted to call the other person the next day but were afraid it was 'too soon'! She took the plunge and called me to see if I wanted to go for a hike (using one one good day of weather we had before a storm hit as an excuse) and of course, I jumped on it. We were fast friends and she ended up as my matron of honor in my wedding, years later.

A lot of the opportunity to connect with people is up to chance, but it is easy to help chance out by putting yourself in situations where you'll be most likely to meet people with common interests. That's were volunteering or classes are a good idea. Then you have to be prepared to put yourself out there.

Sometimes it doesn't work (a lot of times, actually!), so don't give up. Like someone else mentioned, it only takes one good girlfriend to change your entire outlook on a location.

[tealtreak]

I have lived in Richmond 26 years and can truly say I had no "friends" the first three........I met my best buds through volunteering and coincidentally, they are all also transplanted Yankees! (No offense JessMarimba if you read this ! (:!!!!)

[Koronin]

When I moved to Mooresville, NC from Ohio about 11 and a half years ago it took awhile to make new friends. I eventually did and when we moved about a year and a half ago to Jacksonville, NC I had a couple of close friends. So far I haven't made any friends here. Although I do know if I ever needed anything I can count on my next door neighbor.

[jessmarimba]

I have lived in Richmond 26 years and can truly say I had no "friends" the first three........I met my best buds through volunteering and coincidentally, they are all also transplanted Yankees! (No offense JessMarimba if you read this ! (:!!!!)

Hahaha. My mom is from northern Ohio, I'm sure she went through the same thing we did when she moved there in the 70s :) She seems to have met most of her friends through my Dad's coworkers' wives.

[tealtreak]

Hahaha. My mom is from northern Ohio, I'm sure she went through the same thing we did when she moved there in the 70s :) She seems to have met most of her friends through my Dad's coworkers' wives.
Too funny- I am originally from Ohio- when you are in town give me a holler! (:

[tulip]

Well, I'm not from Ohio! Just sayin'. :)

[shootingstar]

It didn't help that I relocated to another city over a yr. ago. Prior to that, it was still kinda tough..

I have some great close friends...but in a totally different province. Friendships over 25 yrs. long..

Ideally it would be nice to have a newer friend or 2 that wasn't a single shared interest friend, but more than that.

But that's probably not realistic as one gets older and moves around. I haven't volunteered for anything locally, I just go to occasional events at this time.
I am volunteering but it's remotely for some stuff happening elsewhere.... Long story.

Anyway.. :o
For now, it's just having a lunch with someone from work occasionally (which believe me, for several workplaces I seldom buddied up with someone for lunch from work)....who coincidentally is one of several staff working on cycling matters. She also has a real passion for golf...which I can't totally relate at all.

Oh well.:)

[badger]

I think your issue isn't unique but rather prevalent as we get older. People do get pretty comfortable with the group they have and don't often venture out to make new friends.

I've tried to increase my circle of friends in the past year by joining a female-only snowboard camp which yielded one person I kept in touch with later. She invited me to join her book club and that opened doors to more people with similar interests. However, it's still difficult to have anything more than meeting them every 2-3 months to talk about books. Most of them are friends of friends so they know most everyone there so they'll talk of things or people I don't know. The original contact I made at the camp moved away to England and I've not heard from her since. It's REALLY hard to make good, lasting friendships.

So, like everyone else here, I know how you feel!!

[ehirsch83]

Thanks everyone! It really is a common issue,but not one I have had to deal with as much till now (I have never worked somewhere with me being the sole employee -which I feel just makes me feel more segregated) .
I am going to look for a book club and make sure to continue to pursue new friendships. Also make sure I keep in good touch with those I don't live near anymore.

:)

[Owlie]

Gone are the days (at least at my age) that friendships form as organically as they did in school/college. Sometimes you have to be kind of pushy with people if you sense they are friend-worthy.

Please don't tell me this. It took me 2-3 years of college to make friends.

[indysteel]

Please don't tell me this. It took me 2-3 years of college to make friends.

Well, let's hope it'll be different for you. Obviously, there are a lot of variables. Out of curiosity, why did you find it so challenging to make friends in college? Is there anything you would/could have done differently that you can apply as you move forward in your life?

[Melalvai]

Gone are the days (at least at my age) that friendships form as organically as they did in school/college.
Yeah, I have observed that both for myself and for other people, it's just comparatively much harder to get to know people. Everyone gets families and doesn't have time for friends. I'm guilty of that.

Online friends like us can take up some of the slack, but a real friend in the hand is so much better than imaginary... Er, I mean virtual... something like that. :D

[macski]

Thanks everyone! It really is a common issue,but not one I have had to deal with as much till now (I have never worked somewhere with me being the sole employee -which I feel just makes me feel more segregated) .
I am going to look for a book club and make sure to continue to pursue new friendships. Also make sure I keep in good touch with those I don't live near anymore.

:)

And don't be afraid to make it clear to someone you've met who you like and feel a connection with that you'd like to do something with them. A bit like GLC1968 and indysteel's examples earlier. It may feel weird and I have to confess that I'm not very good at it myself.

But several years ago someone I worked with did that to me. My husband at the time was away frequently for work and one time when he was going to be away this person at work, let's call her Kath, said to me 'If your husband is going to be away why don't I come over and we can have a girls night in?' She did and we've been friends ever since.

But I'm too shy to do that myself :rolleyes: Or, more accurately, I have a strong fear of rejection - perhaps because when I was a child (an only child) I was slow to pick up the rules about making friends and perhaps was a bit of a try-hard with a few hard lessons from other kids.

[zoom-zoom]

We moved to our current area just after I got pregnant with my son. It took me over EIGHT years to meet a truly awesome friend in the area. Like me, she was a transplant. It's a small, insular community and most people who live here have lived here since birth...gone to school together, been pregnant together, etc. It was REALLY hard when DS was little to not have anyone to lean on or kids for him to play with. Even when he was in preschool the other moms were not open for a new friendship. They were mostly nice, but I never was able to move beyond acquaintance level with these people.

I had one other friend in the area years back, but she later moved.

Through my good local friend I have met another local friend, so that is nice. I still don't feel like one of the locals, but that's OK. Eventually we have plans to move 30-45 minutes South of our current location to be closer to DH's work and I have several friends down that way (when DS was little I started an online playgroup for moms in our county and found several friends via that venue).

Before moving here I'd never before had such a hard time making friends and it gave me a real understanding of what new kids faced moving to the small community that I grew up in. In many ways I think it would be easier to meet new people in a larger, more diverse community.

[shootingstar]

It occurred to me now that 1 of the long-time, closer friends who is in another province, she is a recreational (was commuter) and touring cyclist and in fact is highly knowledgeable about cycling infrastructure: it was part of her job.

And I met her through volunteer work in a women's cycling group, when we all worked with a few other women for a few years.

*****But the ironic thing is that she and I seldom have gone cycling together. We would simply meet each other up after work occasionally or whatever and talk about cycling (for less than an hr. or way less).....and other non-cycling things that we share common interests. I consider that a good thing: cycling + other stuff. So actually cycling together was /is never a basis at all for our friendship.

A good thing...if either of us are injured/can no longer cycle...we can still find much in common. A friendship to take many years ahead.

[NbyNW]

Some places are just very insular and hard to break into socially, like zoom-zoom described. I lived in a place like that for a while -- it had its long-time residents and it had its transients. I guess I was in the transient camp because I was new, and while I tried to socialize in both camps, it seemed like only the transients were open to making friends. Nothing wrong with that, until the friend you made last month is moving on to another location.

In contrast there are places that are constantly absorbing new people from all over the place, and they tend to feel more welcoming and it's just easier to meet people through a variety of venues and activities.

As long as you feel like you have a good reason to be where you are, it's worth being persistent. You might find friends in the most surprising situations.

[Catrin]

I've dealt with this same thing since moving to Indiana. I've made some cycling friends, and friends at my gym but outside of a few exceptions that really hasn't gone beyond the activities. When I have made closer friends here they have moved away.

For me I think much of it is my age, my somewhat eccentric personality, and almost everyone I know is married, and most of those have children. They are very busy and when married couples socialize it is typically with other married couples, not single women. Also, outside of my cycling friends, pretty much everyone I know is quite sedentary,it is rare that I meet someone who shares my interests and I get pretty excited when I meet someone who does!

While I do have friends here, there really isn't anyone locally I would call truly a close/best friend, and I've been here a full decade. I like the idea that IndySteel and GLC1968 mentioned, I tend to over-think things and allow such opportunities to pass. I need to stop that :o

[Crankin]

I never regret moving back to the state of my birth, but even though I have 3-4 close friends now, I never developed the same feeling I had with my friends in AZ. My kids were 5 and 7 when i moved here and in school; we lived in a town where I had nothing in common with the others, so I tried making friends through my synagogue and work. That mostly worked. I did a ton of volunteer work at the synagogue and a little at my kid's school, at least as much I could do as a working mom.
The close friends I have now developed over a 20 year period. We met our cycling friends (a couple) that we are the closest with because we took a risk, joined AMC, and signed up for one of her rides. It turned out that we had seen them for years at the health club, and lived within 5 miles of each other. It was just luck that our kids were grown and out of the house and they had no kids.
I have a ton of acquaintances, some of which have been friends for a while. And while I love my cycling group, they have been together for years and no one has reached out past the doing the regular group thing with me. I am happy to say that I met Hirakukibou through TE and we are both riding buddies and friends!

[ClockworkOrange]

Hi Emily

Have been in a similar situation over the years when moving but a lot of good advice on here, at least there are always friends on TE. :rolleyes:

Just before I read your thread, I noticed this by shootingstar:



Friendship/good times: celebrate Chinese New Year's

In the spirit of friendship and building them:

Happy New Year of the Dragon for 2012! It's been on for past few days world-wide..

Invite a friend or 2 along and just go to a restaurant to eat, talk and know each other better.

It was suggested to me yesterday...so we're going later this week..for um a bigger lunch. Oh well, it's been ages since I've eaten at a Chinese restaurant...


Maybe you could grab a couple of people you know, in the hopes of all getting to know each other better?

Good luck, it will all happen in good time.

[fetchspot]

I too, find myself moving quite a bit lately and not being able to make friends. Two thoughts. Another thread on TE is on the myers-briggs personality test. I am always surprised I am in the minority introvert group. For me it helps to know I am not the only one going thru this.

Second I hate to say I do the Scarlet OHara thing--I'll think about this later. I know my location is not something permanent so I do the best I can for the moment. I tell myself live with and enjoy what you have. I enjoy exploring opportunities and activities local to each particular area. If I have to do it solo, I do.

I like the suggestion of acting on offers and also being the initiator. Currently my job takes most of my time and I have little for anything else.

Fs

[tealtreak]

Well, I'm not from Ohio! Just sayin'. :)
you are welcome to give me a holler too!!! lol (: Always looking for ladies to mt bike with- riding with my sons is fun but killer..............

[tulip]

you are welcome to give me a holler too!!! lol (: Always looking for ladies to mt bike with- riding with my sons is fun but killer..............

I don't have a mountain bike these days, it's all road riding for me. But there's always hiking and kayaking and cool cafes...

[ny biker]

They are very busy and when married couples socialize it is typically with other married couples, not single women.

I've had the same experience. People do couple things with even numbers of people. If I'm with them, I'm the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel. Usually I don't get invited, I just hear about their activity after the fact.

The people I meet on group rides are happy enough to chat during the ride, and sometimes afterwards we'll have lunch. And they're happy to see me on the next ride. But the ride itself is their social event, and then they get back to their families.

[indysteel]

When I was single (I got married at 40), I had a lot of friends who were married. It was never a huge stumbling block to socializing with them. But, that said, a lot of my friends are older than me and either don't have kids or have grown children. I stopped having a ton in common with women my own age when they started having kids and I was still very much single. At that juncture, I started hanging out more with people who were a good 10 or more years older than me. I'm not sure there's any point to that story, but I would encourage anybody looking for friends to broaden your parameters (if you have any).

Another thing I'd add: Sometimes, you have to be the cruise director. If I waited for my married with children friends to invite or include me in their outings, I'd never see them. So, more often than not, I'm the one that suggests getting together and then coordinates the plans. I do that with my single and/or childless friends, too. Certainly before I had to move, I was the one pushing everyone to get together for a movie. If you're not already, take the reins on making plans.

Finally, throw a party or two. I'm not big on parties, but if I was having trouble going to the next level with a group of people, I would consider throwing a party of some kind in an effort to break the ice.

[ny biker]

Another thing I'd add: Sometimes, you have to be the cruise director. If I waited for my married with children friends to invite or include me in their outings, I'd never see them. So, more often than not, I'm the one that suggests getting together and then coordinates the plans. I do that with my single and/or childless friends, too.

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

[Catrin]

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

[indysteel]

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

Yes. I understand that complaint and that experience. But I still think it's a worthwhile suggestion for people searching for new or better friends because sometimes it does work.

I have some very good and long-term friends who have been very candid in admitting to me that with the demands of their young children, they just don't think about making social plans. They're happy enough to go along when somebody else does the legwork, but when they have a down moment, it's not the foremost thing on their mind. While I hope it's not a permanent problem, I'm willing to take the lead if it means we get to spend some time together. And among my single/childless friends, we change cruise director hats here and there. I've been through enough with them to know that sometimes our respective energies and priorities wax and wane. I'm okay taking up the slack sometimes because sometimes I know that the roles will likely reverse.

I'm not trying to discount your experience, but in my own experinece, it's been a lot less black and white.

[ny biker]

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

Yup, me too. It becomes an exercise in dwelling on all the reasons why they might not really like me after all.

[GLC1968]

When I was single (I got married at 40), I had a lot of friends who were married. It was never a huge stumbling block to socializing with them. But, that said, a lot of my friends are older than me and either don't have kids or have grown children. I stopped having a ton in common with women my own age when they started having kids and I was still very much single. At that juncture, I started hanging out more with people who were a good 10 or more years older than me. I'm not sure there's any point to that story, but I would encourage anybody looking for friends to broaden your parameters (if you have any).


Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids! ;)

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

[shootingstar]

By sheer coincidence over 70% of my closest friends (who don't know each other) don't have children nor a partner in their life. And I've known these friends ..over 25 yrs. Some more than 30 yrs.

What has been sheer coincidence for these long time friends except for 1 person, I didn't meet any of them based a sport/fitness activity. However they each have found ways to pay attention to their diet and fitness over the years.

Another thing that is noticeable that there are people who are very tied to social media to stay in touch ...alot to their local friends, which hasn't been my style in friendship since high school where a person interacted nearly daily or weekly.

After that phase in life, it was seeing and talking to friends only every few months, but for several hrs. each time.
I have had invites / queries if I have Facebook, but I don't. And don't feel like it. Email with occasional photos is good enough for me.

[indysteel]

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids! ;)

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

Oh, I would never let go of my friends with kids. I love them all and their kids. What changed though is that my other--mostly cycling--friends became the people that I saw most regularly. My married with kids friends became, really out of necessity on their end, people that I got together with maybe every six weeks. That's life.

As I suggested in another post, life waxes and wanes. I've found that it pays to be both understanding and flexible when it comes to how busy everyone is. For every friend who I gave the benefit of the doubt to when they got married and had kids, the favor was returned when I got married and moved 25 miles away. Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

[limewave]

Okay, I'll admit I didn't read all 3 pages of comments . . .

I'll just throw in that I too, do not have many if any close friends. 10 years ago I would have thought I was surrounded by close friends, BFF's, we would be friends FOREVER and into eternity! Ha. Become the center of a personal tragedy and you find out right-quick how good of friends you've really got.

I've tried being the "cruise director" as someone mentioned. I caught-on pretty fast that most people by now have all the friends they really want. I quit wasting my time.

But, I stayed active and fairly social--showing up to rides and trying new things and going mountain biking, running, etc. Some people started emerge repeatedly and I guess I would call them friends. We are starting to travel with two other families on occasion. We met through biking and discovered we all have kids about a similar age and we all like to bike (even the wives!!!!!). I had to chuckle one night around the campfire when one of the couples started talking about how they don't have friends. lol. We are perfect for each other. Friends . . . . and it has nearly taken a decade.

Sorry this is such a long post but this is a topic that I struggle with. I had always been surrounded by a "strong" group of female friends. To find myself suddenly very alone was quite a shock. My mom has an amazing support group of women that she has been friends with for 40 years. I just assumed I would have that same kind of community around me. I didn't realize how rare and precious a gift that is.

Anyway, I would say, just give it time. It's kind of like dating. You have to put yourself out there. Find groups and classes that are doing things you are interested in--you'll starting meeting people with common interests.

[limewave]

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

I just want to add that it can be disheartening for the friend with the kids too. Children are an incredible anchor, especially at a very young age. They are exhausting and demanding. It's more exhausting than you ever imagine it could possibly be. And simple things, like putting away the dishes, suddenly takes 4-5x as long! You can't focus on anything for more than 60 seconds without the wail of a child, the tugging of a toddler, or one of them deciding to take a dump on the floor, picking it up and running over to show you--squishing it in their hands!!!!

Seriously, I just want to go out so badly. But a sitter is so expensive. And I'm so exhausted. And it is some sick law of parenting that the one night you stay up late for real adult non-excrement slinging company--they will wake you the second your eyes begin to flutter close. The Joy of parenting can be a real prison cell. Gosh, I needed to let that out!

The lack of phone calls, plans to go out, etc. It's not personal. Certainly not in my experience. It's plain lack of opportunity. I am just now starting to experience brief moments of quiet that I had before I had children. It's a strange, welcoming feeling. I have hopes of having time again--time for myself and time to be a good friend. :)

[tealtreak]

I don't have a mountain bike these days, it's all road riding for me. But there's always hiking and kayaking and cool cafes...
that all sounds good- especially hiking- I love to kayak but it is harder to carve out time to hit the water(:

[Crankin]

Those moments become more frequent pretty quickly, Limewave.
I guess I modeled myself after my own parents, who got a sitter every Saturday night, and Fridays, too when they had theatre subscription tickets.
Don't get me wrong, I spent plenty of poop slinging time with my kids, but I knew that despite being a working mom, my husband and i had to be a couple first and then parents. Or otherwise, we wouldn't be good parents.
I had a fabulous babysitter who started with us when DS #1 was 3 months old and she had just turned 12. Her family had 5 kids, with the last one being the same age as my son. They had 13 foster babies. She knew more than me. We also had her older sister and younger brother sit for us on occasion. She's now about 42, with 4 kids of her own. Maybe some would have called me selfish and irresponsible, but we went out as a couple at least twice month, sometimes more. And all of our friends we went out with were parents with young children, who I met at a playgroup I went to in the summer when I wasn't working. I had a bad attitude toward these women when I met them, but 2-3 ended up being friends for life, despite the fact I moved away.
So, in reality, I ended up making friends with people I thought I would hate because I was working and none of them were.... we did tons of things with these families, holidays, birthdays, etc.
You never know.

[Catrin]

Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

Yes, this :) Perfectly said!

[zoom-zoom]

I should add that while I don't have a huge network of friends in my immediate community, I DO have a rather large and close-knit network of friends via my association with the JDRF ride team (most within an hour's drive) and an even bigger circle of friends whom I've met online--many IRL. I am as close to some of my online friends as I am the friends I see more often. And my BFF lives 90 minutes away, but it doesn't make us less close. She is also good friends with my one local friend. And my hubby is my male BFF...I get to hang out with him every day! :cool:

[Gypsy]

I'll just chime in and say that it's true what's been written here that it does get harder as you get older and you're not in a school-type setting where you can meet lots of people where you have something in common automatically.

I also work semi-alone, my coworkers are not around me, and I haven't made many "work" friends because they're all over the country, rather than local.

My friend who had a baby last year, also found herself with less friends than before because she transitioned into motherhood while the rest of her friends were not on that same path. I told her to focus on mother/baby stuff and see if she met other like-minded mothers.

I think it happens at every stage of our lives and a long time ago I also gave up the the idea that my college friends would be my BFFs forever. It didn't happen and I am always sorry that the friendships weren't strong enough for that to become true.

I finally have a group of friends I see regularly that are my closest friends here locally. My BFF lives overseas, so I don't get to see him that often, just a few times a year. I appreciate the friends that I have here and thankfully, they were also riding people and through them, I've met one new friend.

I've also met a friend through a Pilates class and we see each other as often as we can now (she's moved, but she comes back periodically).

I do think it's exactly like dating! And it does require just going out there and being open to meeting random people.

The girlfriends that ride with me now were friends of friends and the friend that brought us together just disappeared from our life, but we stayed friends anyway (that friend got married and only wanted new married friends, not single friends :eek:).

[Norse]

Some places are just very insular and hard to break into socially, like zoom-zoom described. I lived in a place like that for a while -- it had its long-time residents and it had its transients. I guess I was in the transient camp because I was new, and while I tried to socialize in both camps, it seemed like only the transients were open to making friends. Nothing wrong with that, until the friend you made last month is moving on to another location.

In contrast there are places that are constantly absorbing new people from all over the place, and they tend to feel more welcoming and it's just easier to meet people through a variety of venues and activities.


So true. When DP and I lived in LA, we had no problems making friends and had a large circle of people to do things with. LA is a very transient place. We've been back in MN for a decade now and our closest friends, who we still get together with at least once or twice/year and vacation with, are mostly in the So. Cal. area. Minnesotans can be so provincial. I know. I was born and raised here. Very outwardly friendly and they will do most anything for you, except invite you to dinner! We have made a few friends here - almost all through biking or work - that we get together with, but most of our local get-togethers are with family.

[itself]

Great topic. We have been here in AZ six years and only have two friends that we regularly hike with. I think that having hiking in common has helped. I think one other factor is where you live. Here in AZ it is a transient population. When I think of cities that I would want to live near because of perceived friendliness, I think of Portland, Oregon, Denver, CO, Vancouver, BC.

[tealtreak]

Great topic. We have been here in AZ six years and only have two friends that we regularly hike with. I think that having hiking in common has helped. I think one other factor is where you live. Here in AZ it is a transient population. When I think of cities that I would want to live near because of perceived friendliness, I think of Portland, Oregon, Denver, CO, Vancouver, BC.
So true! some places are more welcoming then others (: All of our friends are also transplants...............

[GLC1968]

Actually, I've heard it said that Portland isn't a good place to make friends either. That everyone here is certainly friendly enough, but no one wants to make REAL friends because they already have plenty.

Honestly, I haven't found that to be true at all but I've heard a lot of people say it so it wasn't just an isolated person who felt that way.

[Crankin]

All my friends in AZ were transplants from the east (the east, not Chicago, as some in AZ call it), like me. But, we weren't transient. In fact, I'm the only one who left! I agree it's a transient society, but that made it easier to make friends. People moved in, you invited them to dinner, and they came. Of course, I knew people who had lived in the valley for years, or were natives, through work.
Then, I came back here, where I was born, and it does seem like people are just more involved with their families. Not just their kids, but their parents, too. I remember 2 things. I called up someone i met and asked her if she and her DH wanted to come over for dinner. Her response was, "You mean like tonight?" I said no, on Saturday night. She never got back to me. The other one was we invited 3 couples over for a dessert party. They came so late, we had almost shut out the lights...
I suspect if I lived in the city, it would be different. Heck, I didn't even make any friends except our driveway neighbor, when I moved to this house. We went to the "Newcomers" club and it was a bunch of people that were so unlike us, we ran. Thankfully, we didn't really *need* new friends, but thought it would be nice to make some connections in Concord. I guess since my kids didn't go to school here, that won't happen. In fact, when I mention where I used to live and the fact my kids went to the "rival" HS next door, their noses turn up. Oy. I just look at them and say, hey, I moved 9 miles, I don't need to change anything in my life.

[shootingstar]

Maybe a different way to see the migrant residents (I don't necessarily view as "transients".), is that I find they, like myself, are willing to share with anyone where they originally/last moved from.

And from that, there is chat about comparing experiences ie. weather, lifestyle, local vibe, etc.

Without the Internet to share like this, some of us would be complainin' wayyyyyyy more for lack of human dialogue on some topics.