When they change their minds...

[Jen12]

Have you ever dated someone who tells you they don't want to get married and then marries the next person they date?

I went out with this guy a few years ago, thinking we hit it off pretty well. He was sort of a jerk, and seemed very dissatisfied with his own life, so I knew it wouldn't be long-term. He told me he had a kid who he never sees but supports. I grew up with my own absent father, so that's a sticky wicket for me. But, he was fun to hang out with, so I thought maybe I'd see something worth pursuing eventually.

Anyway, he dumped me for another girl, justifying it by saying I wouldn't really want him, all of his relationships only lasted two years, blah, blah, blah.

Almost exactly two years after that, I hear from him, looking to get together because he'd broken up with this girl after telling her he never wants to have children. He tells me he's feeling depressed, would I like to get a drink...I blew him off because I had no intention of being his between-relationship pretend girlfriend.

So now I find out he's with yet another girl, and engaged! And the kicker is that she has kids! Go figure. I suspect his sister having her first child this year probably had a lot to do with it. I think some guys go with the flow and are against marriage until they realize everyone around them is getting married and starting families and then they finally decide they're ready and whichever girl they're dating gets the ring.

I just roll my eyes at the whole thing. I hope for this girl's sake - AND the sake of her kids that he's grown up or that he quickly realizes he's bitten off more than he can chew and cuts her loose soon...it's really kind of sad. Has anyone else had a similar situation?

[channlluv]

I think you dodged a biggie on that one, Jen. Kudos for being smart about it.

Roxy

[indysteel]

Almost all of my exes have gone on to marry someone (as did I eventually). It's the law of averages. I wish them well.

I agree with Roxy that you dodged a bullet. I'm curious as to why you would date somebody like that even on a short-term basis.

[TsPoet]

I know several people - 3 guys and 1 gal that have done/said that sort of thing. I have a cousin who lived with a woman (Judith) for 13 years. We all thought of them as basically married, just not legally. She had 2 teenage kids, they called him Dad. We saw them all at Christmas, he called in March to say he was getting married and we were surprised after 13 years they were bothering - only to find out Judith had broken up with him and he was marrying Wendy, whom we'd never heard of or met.
He and Wendy have been married for 10 years and he has a kid of his own genes now.
I don't know if its the people - they just find the "right" one, or if its timing. I suspect both.
Either way, you are where you should be and say "nice to hear from you, hope to hear from you again in 10 years or so" to him!

[emily_in_nc]

Actually, I did this. I broke up with my college boyfriend of two years during my year in grad school saying I wasn't ready to settle down and/or get married. He claimed he wasn't either, but acted differently. He had graduated from business school, was going into the family business, buying a condo, and just seemed like he was heading down the typical suburban "American dream" path.

Not too many months after that I met my DH and was engaged to him four months later.

So it wasn't really that I wasn't ready -- the first guy just wasn't the right guy.

That happens sometimes, and yes, you dodged a bullet. If you were not the right one for him, you deserve better! Sounds like you shouldn't give the matter another thought.

[Jen12]

I agree with Roxy that you dodged a bullet. I'm curious as to why you would date somebody like that even on a short-term basis.

The guy I dated before him was super needy and convinced he was the "nice guy" who just got a raw deal with women, although he never showed up on time, never paid for my dinner/movie/whatever and was a jerk who just didn't know it. So, when I met this one, it was a nice change to have someone who, although he hated his job and had made some questionable decisions, he treated me very kindly. And he was entertaining and fun to be around. I never thought it would be long-term, and dating choices are few and far between around here. Looking back, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have wasted time with either one of these clowns. But...that's life. Someday my prince will come....at least that's what the movies lead me to believe. ;)

[indysteel]

I can understand that. I shouldn't suggest that I've made any dating mistakes. Believe me; I have. Thankfully, I haven't dated anybody I would describe as a true jerk, but I've dated my fair share of guys with commitment issues.

[tangentgirl]

I briefly dated a guy who was a good friend of my sister and her friends. He turned out to be a total player, one of these guys who sucks multiple girls in at one time with the "wow we have such a strong connection" thing. Uh, hello, we know each other, jerkwad. It was super lame but luckily, super short, and I moved on with the knowledge that I'd have to see him every once and again, but whatever, lesson learned.

Fast forward about six months. I get a call from him out of the blue, with a very unexpected apology. He moved 2,000 miles away and met the love of his life, and realized, now that he had the real thing, what a richard he had been. He eventually married her and has a kid and is a total family guy, complete 180 from the Don Juanabee I knew before. We later bonded over a shared ridiculous experience (not us dating, something else) and are friends. Who knew?

Moral of the story: people change. Sometimes they meet someone and it just hits them upside the head. Maybe they get sick of creating chaos. Maybe they just get older and grow out of it.

[redrhodie]

It's so much better to break up with the wrong guy than to marry him. You lucked out.