what would you do?

[badger]

firstly, I apologize if this may get a bit long winded...

some of you may remember my breaking up with my long distance boyfriend a couple of months ago.

I have some of his belongings packed up in boxes and not sure what to do with them (he lives in England, I'm certainly not going to ship them from Canada). I'll probably try to find a friend of his to take them for him.

Probably the biggest problem I have is I have his brand new snowboard that I bought after some misgivings when he begged and pleaded me ("I'll pay you back" to which I have yet to see a penny). It's worth $530. There's also a pair of bindings that he bought to go along with the board (I'm not sure how much they were, no receipt, but probably around $150+).

Problem is, they're at my friend's place in Washington, so I need the receipt to claim the bindings, and I honestly don't want to be bringing back a $530 snowboard as well and having to foot the duty.

I own the snowboard, so I want to sell it. Since it's a bit of a specialized board, he'll know right away that it's me selling it. I'm also tempted to sell the bindings because he still owes me a fair bit of money.

Part of me feels like I should extend a general courtesy to ask if he wants to buy the board, but what then after that? I don't want to bring them back to Canada. He said he's coming out to Canada one day, but who knows when that will be, and I don't want to be the one to have to go with him to pick up the board and bindings. I'm sure my friend will be good enough to just give them to him without me having to be there, but it's an inconvenience to my friend.

Another thing is, I really DON'T want to communicate with him. He still manages to text me once a week but I ignore them (he even sent this card which he obviously put a lot of effort into to memorialize my father's one year anniversary of his death). IF I write to him, it will be opening a dialogue I don't want to engage in. But I would also feel bad if I sold his stuff (his bindings, anyways) without at least telling him. Ugh.

What would you do?

[hebe]

I'm sorry that you're going through this - break ups are hard enough as it is. I would write and give him some clear options - either let you know who to give his stuff to/send you payment to ship or other, with a clear date that you need to know by and what you'll do if he doesn't let you know. Ditto for the snowboard, if he wants it he should take responsibility for the arrangements and paying for it. If he doesn't let you know by whatever date I think ebay/donating to charity would be fine. Good luck.

[lph]

I think this is about what will make you happiest in the long run, not what you "should" do. You don't owe him anything, and if you truly do not want to communicate with him at all, you don't have to. But if selling his board without letting him know will make you feel like a heel, that's not a great situation either. You may feel an extra need to be decent, since you broke it up.

You could write to him just to let him know that you're selling it, but repeat that you are not going to engage in a dialogue about it. Communication is two-way, after all. If you think that will be impossible, I think it would be better to not let him know. Sometime you just have to live with the knowledge that somebody thinks you're mean.

Another option could be to have a friend, maybe the friend who has it, do both the selling and informing your ex about it. That would remove a hope he might have of engaging you in conversation. Depends if you have a friend who owes you a favour :)

[Grits]

Another thing is, I really DON'T want to communicate with him. He still manages to text me once a week but I ignore them (he even sent this card which he obviously put a lot of effort into to memorialize my father's one year anniversary of his death). IF I write to him, it will be opening a dialogue I don't want to engage in. But I would also feel bad if I sold his stuff (his bindings, anyways) without at least telling him. Ugh.

What would you do?

Badger, I remember the post after you first broke up with him, and he was continuing to contact you far past what a reasonable person would do. In that thread you got a lot of advice about discontinuing all communications with him for your own peace and safety. For that reason, I would try very hard to think of a way to resolve this without contacting him. You really don't want to open that door again.

I think I would get the snow board you purchased for him whenever and however you can and sell it. Don't offer it to him - just sell it. Forget about the bindings or anything that might complicate matters or force you into contacting him. These are all just things. Don't let yourself stress over them. If he wants them badly enough, they are his responsibility, not yours. He can find a way to get them.

[indysteel]

I tend to agree with Grit in that I would do everything in your power to avoid having to communicate with him about this. I would see if your friend in Washington would mind selling the snowboard on Craigslist or eBay. Give the possessions you have of your ex's to his friend and leave it at that. As for the bindings, I would do nothing for the time being with them if your friend doesn't mind holding on to them. Perhaps he/she could communicate with him directly to figure out a mutually agreeable solution. And by mutual, I mean as between the two of them. Do not participate in those negotiations and make it clear to your friend that you will not be part of the solution. I am not suggesting at this point that you just sell them because, well, do they belong to him. In time, I think you could make a case that he simply abandoned them if he makes no attempt to retrieve them, but I'm not sure that time has yet come.

[pll]

I think I'd consider the board a complete loss. I'd drop everything at his friend's house and forget about it, not engage him in any sort of conversation or negotiation. Peace is worth more than $530.

[indysteel]

I think I'd consider the board a complete loss. I'd drop everything at his friend's house and forget about it, not engage him in any sort of conversation or negotiation. Peace is worth more than $530.

Why consider the board a complete loss if she can sell it? The board is in Washington State; Badger lives in Canada and the ex lives in England. If I understand Badger's email, she was planning to drop of the possessions that she has with her in Canada at a friend of his in Canada. She can't do the same with the board, at least not without incurring an import fee, because it's in the U.S. So, she might as well have her friend in WA sell it. The board presents a slightly thornier issue in that it doesn't belong to her. I think she needs to make some effort, if only indirectly, to put the ball in his court before disposing of it in some way.

[Biciclista]

sell it. He can't bother to pay for it. If he really wanted it he would have paid for it a long time ago. if he ever gets back to this side of the world, he'll want a new one anyway. Sell it and let it go.

[pll]

Why consider the board a complete loss if she can sell it? The board is in Washington State; Badger lives in Canada and the ex lives in England. If I understand Badger's email, she was planning to drop of the possessions that she has with her in Canada at a friend of his in Canada. She can't do the same with the board, at least not without incurring an import fee, because it's in the U.S. So, she might as well have her friend in WA sell it. The board presents a slightly thornier issue in that it doesn't belong to her. I think she needs to make some effort, if only indirectly, to put the ball in his court before disposing of it in some way.

I forgot the detail of the board and bindings being in Washington. <sorry Badger!> That's a headache.

I'd still resist the idea of engaging him, but, Badger, if you do, have a clear time line and options, so it is not an invitation for continued negotiation and pleading.

[Irulan]

sell it. He can't bother to pay for it. If he really wanted it he would have paid for it a long time ago. if he ever gets back to this side of the world, he'll want a new one anyway. Sell it and let it go.


I'm with this. I mean, seriously, he's thousands of miles away and hasn't made an effort for it? Plus, if you paid for it technically it's yours not his, unless you have a contract stating otherwise. I see that you are letting yourself be manipulated still over this stuff.

[ny biker]

i'm with this. I mean, seriously, he's thousands of miles away and hasn't made an effort for it? Plus, if you paid for it technically it's yours not his, unless you have a contract stating otherwise. I see that you are letting yourself be manipulated still over this stuff.

+1000

[Gypsy]

I don't know the whole story, but I would sell the board.

Look, he didn't want the board long enough to have it shipped from Washington to Canada or to England.

He doesn't want the board bad enough. Sell it, get some of your money back, and call it a day. One less thing to worry about -- and one less thing to keep you connected to him.

[Jen12]

You don't owe him anything. If you can sell the stuff, sell it. If you have a place that buys and sells used sporting equipment, that might be easier than dealing with eBay on such a large item.

[badger]

thanks everyone. I see all your points, and I know what I want to do (just sell the board AND the bindings as well as some of the fishing rods he had me buy that weren't cheap) and who cares if that hurts his feelings. Another part of me is more compassionate, but logistically I can't see any of this working.

I guess I can sell, and if at another time he comes to me asking for them, I'll say I sold them, and if he says anything about the bindings being his, then I'll just wire him the money. As I said, he owes me at least $1000 over the years so I don't think he'll make a stink of this. I know he'll be upset that I did it without telling him, but I think the days of owing him anything is long gone!!

[Biciclista]

exactly. YOu're right on. Too bad if he' s upset he hasn't considered your feelings for a LONG time.

[Jen12]

I guess I can sell, and if at another time he comes to me asking for them, I'll say I sold them, and if he says anything about the bindings being his, then I'll just wire him the money. As I said, he owes me at least $1000 over the years so I don't think he'll make a stink of this. I know he'll be upset that I did it without telling him, but I think the days of owing him anything is long gone!!

I'm not sure of the history of your situation with him, but it sounds like you want it to be over and he's hanging on. If this is the case, cut off contact with him. Don't respond to his texts, emails, calls, whatever. That way, you don't have to worry about wiring him money or explaining your position or anything. Clean breaks are hard to do, but in the long run, you may be much happier to have it all behind you.

[ny biker]

I know he'll be upset that I did it without telling him, but I think the days of owing him anything is long gone!!

There is also very little reason to be considerate of his feelings. He is not considerate of your feelings. If he was, he would leave you alone.

[redrhodie]

Is there a reason that you need to do this right now, because if it could wait, I'd let things to cool down more, like when he stops texting you weekly (or at least until after the holidays). At this point, he's still emotional, and liable to react badly if he finds out you sold "his" stuff (and I know it's not really his, I'm just playing devil's advocate).

[Brandi]

Do not open that door! And sell It! Get some of your money back if you can. And then that is that! Good luck. :p

[Irulan]

Is there a reason that you need to do this right now, because if it could wait, I'd let things to cool down more, like when he stops texting you weekly (or at least until after the holidays). At this point, he's still emotional, and liable to react badly if he finds out you sold "his" stuff (and I know it's not really his, I'm just playing devil's advocate).

What is is likely to do, hop on a plane?

[redrhodie]

Why not give him a little time to heal. The holidays are hard enough.

[ny biker]

I hate to say this, but he could hurt himself. Why not give him a little time to heal. The holidays are hard enough.

He's a manipulator. That's exactly what he wants her to think.

I really think the only possible issue is with the bindings. Does he know the friend who has them? If so, he can contact that person if/when he wants them. Or that person can contact him if they don't want to store them any more.

Anything else that Badger paid for is hers to dispose of. She does not need to tell him anything about them.

[badger]

the only "rush" to do this now is it's one of the better times to sell snowboard gear. The mountains are opening, and people might be looking for Christmas presents. Otherwise there's really no rush.

I don't think the holidays are any tougher than other times, it's not like he's ever had me spend it with him so we don't have any "holiday memories" for him to get over.

[Trek420]

the only "rush" to do this now is it's one of the better times to sell snowboard gear. The mountains are opening, and people might be looking for Christmas presents. Otherwise there's really no rush.

Hey, we have skiers on TE. I bet someone here would buy it :)

[jyyanks]

I agree with everyone else. Do not initiate contact as it will only open up old wounds. I would have your friend sell the snowboard and fishing poles. Then I would mail the bindings to his friend with a note asking him to kindly return to Mr X for you and that's it. I know this is tough but stay strong!

[Brandi]

Hey what kind of fishing poles? My hubby is a big time ocean kayak fisherman and is always looking for gear.

[sookiesue]

Give your friend in Washington a commission for selling the board for you, take the cash, and buy yourself something awesome for Christmas! If he has never made any effort to pay you back for it, it is yours, not his. Good luck.

[badger]

Hey what kind of fishing poles? My hubby is a big time ocean kayak fisherman and is always looking for gear.

It's for fly fishing. I think the one I got that's brand new and never used is a Redington 9' or something rather. If you're seriously interested, I can look at it and tell you for sure what size/weight.