Bullying - what would you do?

[channlluv]

Hello, friends,

Quick backstory: my daughter has a friend who has been being bullied by two other girls at school. A week or so ago, one of them threatened to cut this girl with something she had in her lunchbox. This is 8th grade, btw.

The girl wrote a note to the principal, which I confirmed with him in an email. My daughter had told me about it and I wanted to make sure that her friend had actually delivered the note and not just told my daughter she had so my daughter wouldn't worry.

This morning, as I dropped off my daughter, I saw the two bully girls in front of the school. My daughter gets out of the car and has to walk past them to get to the front steps. I watched. She ignored them as best as I could tell (her back was to me), and the one ignored her, but the leader one, the mean one, literally snarled at my daughter as she walked past. I don't think my daughter saw this because the girl waited until she was past her to actually snarl, but I saw her and she did it, and then she noticed me watching her -- I was still in my car at the curb about fifteen feet away. I had my sunglasses on, but I'm sure she knew I saw her because she had a brief flash of "uh-oh" on her face, and then she made a smirky fake smile and continued talking to the other bully girl, whom I don't think even realized anything had gone on because she was talking in kind of an animated way with her hands and such.

What would you do? This girl has threatened another student (and I believe the principal has had them in his office for a discussion, maybe a warning -- I didn't follow up). She has been bullying my daughter's friend for a long time now, since last year, and my daughter has always stood by her friend and has told me that she's walked up on conversations between these girls where the bullies were provoking her friend and her just walking up and saying "What's going on?" will make them stop. She has told me that next time she sees that happening, she's going to be more direct and actually tell them to stop bullying her friend.

Maybe she's done this and hasn't told me. Maybe these girls heard she was the one who encouraged her friend to tell the principal about them. They've physically hit the girl and when I told my daughter I was concerned they'd get physical with her, too, she told me not to worry, that she knows how to disable them without hurting them. She's had seven years of martial arts and earned her black belt a year ago.

Do I tell the principle what I saw? If I don't and these bully girls do something really mean to my daughter's friend or my daughter because the principal thinks it's all handled...please advise me, those of you with more experience than I.

Fighting in school is automatic expulsion. I think for both parties, but I'm not sure.

Thanks,
Roxy

[indysteel]

Out of curiosity, have you talked to the parent(s) of your daughter's friend? It seems like they should ideally be part of the discussion about this--both with you and with the school.

[Crankin]

Call her parents. Are they not capable of handling this situation?
The best thing your daughter can do is be an ally. Research points out that this is the best way to stop bullying. Actually having a peer say, "Stop," is the most effective thing she can do.
But, this should not be only up to your daughter. The principal should be called and this should be handled ASAP. Around here, these kinds of threats are taken very seriously and the police would be called in many situations. The fact that this has gone on for months is not acceptable. Don't you work in a school? Maybe you can help the parents understand how to navigate the system.

[azfiddle]

You might want to ask for a meeting with the parents and the girls to be held at the school, possibly with a counselor or administrator present. The mean girls need to get a clear message that their behavior is unacceptable and that there are consequences.

[jyyanks]

We had a similar situation in our school (my daughter is also in 8th grade). The mother met with the principal and the guidance counselor. Since it happened on school grounds, the school had to handle. The girl was also being bullied via computer but the principal was clear that they cannot do anything about cyber bullying - its out of their jurisdiction - but they CAN handle any incidents that happen in school.

Long story short,the principal called the bullies into his office and they were given detention. The next incident will result in in-school suspension and then out of school suspension and finally expulsion. We had a serious issue in our school that was handled improperly forcing the school to come up with an anti-bullying policy and a code of conduct which every student/parent has to sign at the beginning of the year. Anyone who violates this code of conduct will be punished accordingly.

Does your school have a similar code/anti-bullying policy? Is this something you can suggest at the next board meeting? Bottom line is that bullying should not be tolerated. With all the horrible news stories about bullying, I think your school should take it very seriously. Talk to the prinicipal about the school's policy. I would advise against talking to the other parent unless you know them or unless it's with school personnel who have witnessed an incident. I have found many parents take on a defensive "not my child" attitude when confronted so it helps to have a third party.

[smittykitty]

I'm actually watching a segment on bullying on Anderson Cooper right now!

Bullying is serious stuff and educators are being taught how to deal with it (at least in my husband's school this fall). The Principal needs to be kept informed of what is going on, both in regards to your daughter and her friend. And yes, including her parents, for sure.

I was bullied for a few weeks in the 8th grade, it still haunts me today. And, of course, its mostly girls (Anderson Cooper's programs agrees).

[channlluv]

Thanks, everyone. I asked my daughter how her day went and she said fine. I asked how the situation with lead bully was going and she said okay as far as she knew, that they hadn't acted against her friend, so she didn't see bully girl sneer at her.

I told my husband what happened, what I saw, and he said it didn't matter since DD didn't see it -- it didn't affect her at all. He also warned me about being a helicopter mom, that she needs to be able to deal with these kinds of situations without us.

I'll mention it to the principal when I see him next. I'm also talking with the vice principal about the program she's running dealing with bullying -- I'm recommending some books to her -- and ask what the policy is and how it's enforced.

I'm not really worried about my own daughter. I am concerned for her friend -- the poor girl's had a really hard couple of years (mom has breast cancer, father left the family, etc.) and I'm really proud of my daughter for standing by her friend.

I don't work at the school anymore. Budget cuts lead me to quit at the end of the school year last year.

Roxy

[Roadtrip]

Sounds like you've been given some really good advice. Bring in the principle and if he dosnt respond, then you can always take it up with the school board. When I was little we had a first grade teacher who was very physically abusive to children under her care. She was like a dictator and one step out of line mention you got slapped or your hair pulled, etc. I had very long hair most of my life and got my hair pulled and head whipped back because i asked to use the restroom outside of "approved" timeslots. Another student to had been burned in a house fire had scarring all over his body and he was slapped HARD on the back for something similar, but my point is parents had to rise up as this teacher had friends at the school, but not on the school board and she finally was removed.

As to the bullies themselves, I was bullied in school something fierce, as I was a chunky kid and I guess more emotional or wore emotions on my sleeve. I got tired of it and finally snapped. I found myself on top of this kid and pounding his head into the blacktop and had to be pulled off him before I really hurt him. After that tho I wasn't bullied... Imagine that ;)

Shannon

[goldfinch]

You are good Roxy, supporting your daughter as she helps her friend. I was picked on as a teen for not being "saved," for being brainy, and for being unattractive. Nobody helped me and I never told my parents. Kids tend to be protective of their parents. It changed me for life.

[channlluv]

I was picked on, too, and grew up in a really abusive household, so I've made sure that she's had plenty of parental support (my husband and I both) and that she's had martial arts since she was seven. I want her to have the self-confidence to stand up for herself. That she's taking a stand for her friends is just a bonus. I'm really proud of her. A lot of kids would just ignore it or join in.

I honestly think she's inspired to do so because of the books by Tamora Pierce that I recommended on the Women in Sci-Fi/Fantasy thread. We got them on Audible.com, so we've got this really talented voice actress reading them to us as we drive back and forth to school, books about a young girl named Keladry of Mendalin who grows up to be a lady knight. She practices martial arts, too, stands up to bullies herself (boys who don't believe girls should be knights) and defends smaller kids from bullies, and grows up to be a military hero who defeats an evil mage who has been creating these evil monsters out of kidnapped and murdered children's spirits...it's a powerful series. It's called Protector of the Small.

I've been reading this book, Dear Bully, an anthology of personal essays by 70 authors, and I donated my copy to her school's vice principal today. It's powerful enough that I'd buy a copy for each advisory class to use in their Second Step sessions, if the administration likes it.

We'll see.

Roxy

[PamNY]

Roxy, you sound like such a good mom.

[channlluv]

Thanks, Pam. I only get one chance to get this right and I want to do a good job. She is literally my miracle child. I've been accused of being too involved lots of times, but you know what, she's a great kid. Confident, brave, articulate. I've had complete strangers tell me after they've met her how impressive a speaker she is, to have been in a group of adults and to have answered questions and expressed herself without going all shy or cocky. She's awesome.

So thank you. Really.

Roxy

[jyyanks]

Thanks, Pam. I only get one chance to get this right and I want to do a good job. She is literally my miracle child. I've been accused of being too involved lots of times, but you know what, she's a great kid. Confident, brave, articulate. I've had complete strangers tell me after they've met her how impressive a speaker she is, to have been in a group of adults and to have answered questions and expressed herself without going all shy or cocky. She's awesome.

So thank you. Really.

Roxy

She must have one helluva mom to be so confidant, brave, and poised. Great job! I hope the principal does something about the bullying especially since your daughter's friend is already going through some tough times.

[schwartzdeborah]

oh my! this is one hell of a kid. you have to start working on a resolution for this before it gets worse. most kids that are bullied has tendencies of getting traumas on their childhood. you might want to start arranging a discussion with your kid's teacher and the parents of the daughter. that's one way to get an idea what causes the kids to bully other kid around.