Coping with major life change: brings out more of the best of you

[shootingstar]

An employee in same division is retiring after 31 yrs. Her dept. was shut down 2 yrs. ago after she built it up over 10 yrs. and changed dramatically.

She said the above in terms of working for the same employer, witnessing and living along of change.

She has a naturally even temperment and is a patient person.

How has life's major changes brought out the best qualities of you that you never knew enough until then?

[VeganBikeChick]

A major life change for me was moving overseas, by myself, of my own volition. I was terrified, thinking I wouldn't make it on my own. I not only made it on my own, but came out of my introverted shell, made great friendships, and now know that I can travel anywhere - and do anything I put my mind to.

[Velocivixen]

Wow, that is a profound question. I could give many answers. I have a very personal fundamental answer I could tell. My alcoholic step father abused me, brutalized me as well as my mother for the entirety of their marriage of 13 years. My silent suffering began at a pre-verbal age. I was afraid for my life, ashamed, humiliated alone, abandoned (my mother took up drinking when I was about 4 to cope). I recall coming home from school when I was in the second grade to two drunk parents and having to be the "adult" from childhood. Family knew, the neighbors knew and I suspect the school may have known, but in those days it was best to mind your own business. He died when I was 13 and it was like being released from prison.
So, how did this bring out the best in me? During that time I learned to hide my true self, my charming, funny, smart and compassionate self behind a big wall. I didn't want is hate to hurt me any more. When he died I really didn't know "who" my real self was, as I had spent so many years trying to please and keep the peace. So...now at age 47 I can say that those protective walls have been long shed and my primal, original essence-the spirit I was born with is alive and well. I survived...and now I thrive. I learned patience, observation, compassion, and a lot about self esteem and self respect.
I have never said this in public. They say to be careful what you write on the Internet because once it's out there you can't undo it. I hope I won't regret this, but that experience brought out what I am today.

[shootingstar]

Moving overseas is major.

Velovixen, you somehow survived and was transformed.

I'm still trying to process some major stuff and know there's more ahead, so don't know quite even the best of self..

[Velocivixen]

Hi shootingstar. I almost feel like I owe you an apology. After my post, I see that a lot of people read, but nobody posted. I hope that I did not "take the wind out of your sails" so to speak. I'm not sure exactly what sparked me to share that particular situation.

I think if myself like fine wine or cheese....I only get better as I age. hahaha! No, seriously, I hope to improve year after year. They may be in subtle, fine tuning sorts of ways. I hope to continue to discover new aspects of myself as time goes on. I think that unexpected situations are seeds for finding out what we're really made of.

[indysteel]

I can't speak for Shootingstar, by I myself feel extremely humbled that you would share something so profound for the first time with us. My heart goes out to you. While I can't say that my dysfunctional family experience was quite as traumatic as yours, I know all about putting a wall up to protect yourself and then finding later in life that the wall is no longer serving you as a coping mechanism. I'm so glad you've found a way out of the nightmare you grew up with. Keep on keeping on. You sound like an amazing person.

[Velocivixen]

Hey indysteel,

Thanks. It is somewhat anonymous on the internet I guess.

[radacrider]

Keep on keeping on. You sound like an amazing person.

:D:) Speaking from first hand experience, she is an amazing and awesome person!!!!

[VeganBikeChick]

I also thank you for your post, VV. Mine paled in comparison and I am in awe of what a brave person you are.

[Velocivixen]

@radacrider, thanks. You are kind.

@VeganBikeChick, all experiences are valid ways of exploring who we are. I don't believe that there is one "better" way to find out about our inner workings. To me, experiences are experiences. Yes the actual experiences or impetus for the self exploration may be different but the momentum of the discovery is there regardless. I think that choosing to move away from your comfort zone is a huge step in self discovery and I think that is a very brave thing. I did that on a very mini scale when I went overseas the first time to a place/culture that was different from mine and where I would obviously be an outsider. I wanted my comfort zone to be "stretched" so that's why I chose it.
Anyway thank you for what you said, but I don't think that anything in your post "paled" to mine. Just different, that's all. ;)

[Roadtrip]

There are some truly amazing ladies on this forum. Makes me really glad I found this place!!

Shannon

[Bethany1]

After being diagnosed with epilepsy after having a gran mal seizure while pregnant with my 2nd child my entire world went out of control. I wasn't able to drive. I was dosed up on medications and I had two children to take care of; a toddler and a brand new baby. Living with inlaws didn't help either.

I went through the usual stages of grief. I refused to take meds as I didn't take epilepsy seriously. I was angry, confused and defiant. This couldn't happen to me. Since I don't have gran mals, I figured it was okay to feel this way.

It was humiliating not being able to drive when I'd been driving since I was 17 and now I was 21 asking for rides just to get groceries.

It was so bad that I handed DH a bottle of seizure meds and told him I wanted to down the entire bottle and have done with it. After some psych appts it was also determined that I was bipolar and have generalized anxiety. Great. I'm a mess and I'm only 22.

The reality check? Try sitting in a room full of bipolar people and realizing that you DON'T want to turn out like these people. They have no jobs. In and out of hospitals and jail, divorces, drug addicts, being homeless because your family has had enough of you stealing from them and not caring about anyone else but yourself. They blame everyone else and can't understand why their life is so hard. I want no part of that lifestyle.

From that point on, I take my meds and both illnesses seriously. The thought of being in the psych ward of a hospital and facing losing your kids is enough to keep me going as well. I hate the side effects, but I've learned to cope with that as well.

I've learned patience, compassion towards others, a better self-esteem, a lot of humility, how to cope with everything and that I'm so much stronger because of my struggles. I also understand emotions on a whole new level as I've learned to overcome the bipolar highs/lows. I know what it's like to feel suicidal. You don't want to die, you just want the pain to end.

With epilepsy I've spent time with people who are at where I was years ago and help them get through it. I help parents with children who are diagnosed and let them know their kids will be normal and not to be overprotective. It's far worse to witness a seizure than to be the one having it and it kills parents.

I've been seizure free long enough to drive now. If I lose that, my son is now 15 with a temporary license and I won't be stuck. 14 years later after all of this I've learned you never get over it. You just get used to it.

The anxiety is harder to cope with especially on the days when you can't leave your house. It's far better than it was 14 years ago though and I just work through it the best I can.

[Velocivixen]

Thank you Bethany, that was powerful. When you saw those other folks who had bipolar disorder you made a conscious decision not to get caught up in the behaviors they were doing and the choices they were making. You decided that wasn't for you. So your decision reminds me of "free will". We all have choices and there are consequences.
I am happy for you that you can drive and I wish you wellness and peace.

[CyborgQueen]

Like everyone else, I've had ups and downs. I was feeling kind of "chaotic" this week. When I saw this thread, I read all the posts and I felt better knowing that I don't feel alone.

Mine:

* Get cochlear implants earlier (just a few years sooner).
* Not walk the dog that attacked me 13 times (worked at the kennels).
* Not quit so easily when things get hard...

[Sky King]

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/picture.php?albumid=54&pictureid=253

Mama said there would be days like this.

[tzvia]

I had been caring for my Father who is now in stage 6 Dementia. He has been living with me since 2005, and my mother, brother and I have been doing 'tag team' care. It's been rough, but finally we came to the conclusion that he needed to go to a home. Three weeks ago, we finally found a good place 3 miles away and we put him there. Yes now the house is quite. I don't have to lock up the food and pull the knobs off the stove and oven any more. The bathroom is clean every morning.

Change? Yea, but more just emotionally drained. I see him every weekend, and will be stopping off on the way home from work-it's like a mile from there. Emotionally spent after all these years of constant care. I never noticed the stress until he was gone and I just collapsed physically. Going to go see him now.

[shootingstar]

Wow tz, you're a trooper.

I had a friend who looked after her mom with advanced dementia for 5 yrs. before she died. They lived out in a small town of 2,000.

[shootingstar]

So much has happened in major personal life changes, some of it tragic/difficult over the past 7 months. It is easiest to say that for now, I feel a powerful impetus to draw out and write down/share some of the things I've seen/know /experienced../learned..

[redrhodie]

I remember that when my mother died, I had to move 2 weeks later. I had already sold my house, and I had to be out. I remember feeling like a zombie packing, just getting it done, one box at a time. Then my car broke down, and repairing it would cost more than it was worth, so I had to get a new one. Then pipes burst in my mother's house, flooding the basement, on a Sunday, and I dealt with that. We then decided to sell that house and find a new place for my brother to live, and I did that, finding both the buyer, and his apartment. I remember feeling like one thing after another was piling up on me, but, I was getting it all done. I learned I was a lot stronger than I knew.

I really appreciate the easy days, the ones where you can take a nap, go for a bike ride, not deal with any disasters.

[Sky King]

My latest analogy came to me yesterday. I realized my life isn't so much chapters as it is an ocean. Each day there are different waves, some days are calm and some are quite stormy. They are just waves and I must remember just to ride them the best I can. May you have calm seas today!