Taking a break for awhile...(warning: long and sad)

[emily_in_nc]

I haven't been here for two weeks until today, which is nearly unheard of for me; I normally check in here at least every couple of days ago, unless I'm on vacation.

I've been going through a pretty tough time lately. My dear dad was killed in a car accident on Oct. 28, and since then I haven't had any desire to ride or do too much of anything other than talk and write to friends and relatives. I adored my father, and this is the very toughest loss I've ever had to face in my life. Not having any warning makes his death even harder to take. :(

There have also been a rash of emails lately on our bike club chat list of close calls with motorists, road rage, and so forth on the rural roads here in NC that I ride all the time. These posts, along with the deaths of big-mileage, well-known cyclists like Ken Kifer, Bob Breedlove, and Bill Bliss, among many others not so well known, have me thinking that it's inevitable that someone in our club is going to be killed out there on the road one of these days, and I'm actually somewhat surprised it hasn't happened yet.

I find myself questioning the level of risk I am willing to take in my life to do this sport that I love. I'd managed to conquer my fear of loose dogs after my accident and get back on the saddle, but right now I'm beginning to think the risks are too great versus some of the other activities I also enjoy (hiking and kayaking, in particular).

Part of the problem is that, with rare exceptions, there are NO shoulders on the majority of rural roads on which I am forced to ride. Often when I ride with people who have moved to NC from other states, they are very surprised by this and a bit nervous about riding in the traffic lane. No, there isn't a lot of traffic on most of the rural roads, but the traffic that is there tends to be 55 mph or faster, and Bubba and Bubbette driving pickups and monster SUVs tend not to be real understanding of lycra-clad bodies taking up "their" roads. It's a battle that seems to be impossible to win.

So, short of moving to a more bike-friendly place (not too easy with my job) or switching to mountain biking only, I'm just not sure how much more riding is in my future. I might be back with a vengeance next spring, but right now, I just don't know. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyway, sorry for the longwindedness. I just thought I'd check in in case anyone wonders where I am in the coming weeks. If you've made it this far, thanks. Wishing you all SAFE roads and understanding motorists....

Emily

[Veronica]

Oh Emilly!!!! I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You have all my best wishes that I can send your way. Losing someone you love just sucks. I don't know how else to phrase it.

I do hope you get back on your bike soon. It's a silly phrase, but it's my phrase to get me through hard times. "Don't let the bad guys win." Anytime we let the creeps or idiots keep us from doing what we love - they win.

Take care of yourself and your TE family is always here - whether or not you're biking.


V.

[Yasmin]

Emily, I am so, so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. No amount of words can console the pain you must be feeling. My heart goes out to you.
It seems that you are in one of those phases in life that don't make sense. When every force seems to be against you. Hang in there kiddo! It WILL get better.
I know how uncaring car drivers can be. Cycling is a risky sport, especially when we don't have designated bike tracks like they do in some parts of Europe. Where I live we're lucky to have a painted line on the road to "keep us safe" from cars. I would be sad to hear that you've given up riding,but ultimately the choice can only be yours. Listen to that wonderful inner voice to guide you. This has always proven to be my best protection. I was knocked off my bike by a truck about 1 year ago. Luckily no other cars were coming along the adjacent lane & I was shaken, but not injured. The bike needed a bit of work only.
I extend support & love your way. I hope it's not too long before life is looking rosier for you. Love & hugs, Yasmin.xxx

[DeniseGoldberg]

Emily -
I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I hope that your good memories of him help comfort you, although I know that a memory is a sad replacement for someone you love. My thoughts are with you.

On the cycling front - please don't give it up. You're right, there are dangers in it, but there are really dangers in just about everything that we do. I often ride on roads without shoulders - and I ride as far into the driving lane as I need to be to feel safe. I am far enough out that the drivers know that they need to pull around me, although I do ride as close to the right side of the road as I feel I can be. I have no idea whether that helps or not. If you love cycling as much as I do - and I sense that you do - please don't let yourself get scared away from it. Of course the most important thing is to listen to yourself, and if you need a break from cycling - take it. Hopefully some day in the future it will feel right to you again.

--- Denise

[SadieKate]

Emily, I cannot even fathom your grief and heartache. My heart goes out to you. Life is full of cycles and changes and sometimes you must just go with the flow. Solace is found is so many different ways, each unique to the person.

As Veronica said, we are here to listen and help whether you are riding or not.

Sarah

[pkq]

Emily, you have my condolences on the loss of your father. The pain of losing parents is a very difficult emotion to cope with. Those are special bonds of the longest standing relationships for us. Time does heal the wound and time will heal yours, too.

As for cycling, I agree with Veronica and the other ladies. We can get the guys get us down, we take risks every day, etc.

Our days are numbered anyway, so make the most of them and live fearlessly.

[Trekhawk]

Emily - my thoughts are with you and your family. I cant imagine how hard this must be for you all. Take each day as it comes and maybe when spring arrives you will be ready to get back on your bike.

[runner2]

Thinking of you with special thoughts, and prayers during this time of sorrow.

Emily, please take all the time you need, in this moment, the TIME is your best healer, we will always be here for you, and you know you are tougher than you think.....

[Pax]

Emily, my heart goes out to you in this time of unbearable sorrow. :(

[wavedancer]

Emily,
My heart goes out to you in your grief. How sad to lose your father so suddenly.I hope you give yourself the time to grieve and heal, however long and in whatever form it takes. Listen to your instincts regarding when to get on the bike again, and know that you have many friends supporting you with love and prayers.

Linda

[sydney_b]

Terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Makes my heart ache to think of it.

On the biking front, only you can decide. I know I'd be strongly tempted to move if location kept me from doing something I loved.

/s

[bluerider]

Emily,

My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family during this difficult time. I can't fathom the thought of losing my dad and can only imagine the pain you are going through. Your TE family is here to listen and support you.

As for riding, ultimately the choice is yours but I hope you don't give it up. Don't let others dictate how you want to enjoy your life. From your posts, you sound very passionate about this sport that binds all on this forum together. Don't let them win. I hope you'll keep on riding.

Sue

[Pedal Wench]

Oh, Emily. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I have both of my parents, and I can't ever think what it would be like to lose them, especially if it was sudden.

Listen to your heart. You'll know what is best for you and your body. However, after following your struggle to return to the bike after the dog incident, I hate to see you throw it away. So, put the bike away for now, but don't shut the door.

Take this time for yourself. I feel so sad for your situation.

Leslie

[jeannierides]

Emily, I can't find the words to express how I am feeling right now. My own dear sweet dad died, not of an accident, but it may as well have been...he had a massive heart attack that killed him instantly ~ 12 years ago, and I am still not over it. His death rocked my world so much, that I ended my marriage & although I am grateful for where I landed...sent me on a *ride* that I would rather not have taken. I miss him to this day, and in an instant can bring back the exact moment that I got *the call* regarding his death ~ and all the feelings around it.
The good thing is that I got through it. The going through it was too hard for words to express, but I came out of that dark decade a better person.
Give yourself time ~ and it sometimes takes a long time ~ but try not to make any rash decisions. Feel what you need to feel ~ but don't feel guilty. Celebrate the life he had, and the inspiration he was to you and your family. Don't let his death paralyze you...let it inspire you...

love and prayers~~J

[Trek420]

Emily, my heart goes out to you. I lost my Dad just under 2 years ago. It's always hard. You know me, I'm not religious in any traditional sense so this probably sounds odd from me but...your Dad will always be watching over you.

I know mine is.

I hope you find a way back to the sport you love, and if you don't nobody could fault you at least a break given all you've gone through.

Cars take strangers we feel as if we know, they take our ride partners, a car took your Dad, this makes me so angry and sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Mia]

Emily,

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I have only been on this site for a few months, but I have read your posts before and visited your homepage and you seen like such a genuine, caring person. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are someday able to enjoy your bicycle again, you'll have to listen to your heart, only you know what is best for you. I'm glad that you were able to share this with everybody at TE so we can give you our love, prayers, and support.

[crazycanuck]

Emily, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I can only say you'll be in my thoughts as i bike later on today.

In regards to taking time away from biking, it's understandable with the roads in your area. Remember we can cycle for you.

c

[Jo-n-NY]

Emily, I am so sorry to hear of your loss although words are not much of a consolation. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I can really understand about you being nervous about getting on the bike. So am I. Although it was bad road that caused me to fall, I hate more than ever riding in traffic. I have already told my husband and my girlfriend that when I get back to riding with them, it must be on roads with hardly any cars. I just got back to driving last week and I am a nervous nelly even driving.

I know I will get back on the bike with my little group because I would be miserable if they rode and I stayed home, but it will be a slow cautious start. Maybe for you also.

Take one day at a time. This for sure has been a tough year for you.

JoAnn

[gilly]

Dearest Emily

You have been such an inspiration to me. I am such a scaredy cat about many things while out cycling, your attitide towards your accident and recovery was so refreshing and brave, I found myself thinking of you while I was riding, and scorning myself not to be such a wimp :o And it worked, thank you.

I am so sorry to hear of the sudden death of your Father, it's hard, I know. And right now you're feeling vulnerable all round. Take it easy on yourself, do what you want to do, and what you want to do may change on a daily basis.


Gilly
x

[BikeMomma]

Emily -

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father and the pain and despair that you're feeling. I can't begin to understand the whole of what you're experiencing completely, but recent events in my own life have given me a new perspective in the way I see the world, and maybe it might help you, too.

I haven't lost my father to death yet, but when I was 12, I lost him to life. What I mean by that is that he had (and still has) sometimes severe bi-polar disorder and paranoia that made my mother's life a living hell. After they divorced and even after she remarried, he would come and bang on the door at all hours of the night, screaming and yelling irrationally and stalking us inside our own home. She was forced to file a restraining order against him - my own father - which ended our relationship. He moved all the way across the country to Maine and floundered.

What I'm leading up to is that, due to those terrible memories, not understanding hiis mental diseases, and the distance between us, I pretty much moved him to the back of my mind and moved on with life. Back in July, though, that all changed. I got a shocking letter saying that he very nearly died. Upon reading the letter, I realized that I almost nearly lost my father for good and that I would never have a chance to see him again, ever. This spurred me to go see him recently, and I'm overjoyed to say that I have my father back in my life again. There is still the distance, but I made that connection with him that I have needed all my life, and it has instilled a new sortof peace in me. And so now whenever he does pass, I'll know one simple fact - that he loves me, and has always.

Emily, you are so lucky to have had such a special father in your life. That strong of a bond does not go away with his passing, terrible as it was. He will be with you forever, you just have to let him stay. I hope you understand what I mean.

As far as the biking, the other girls here are right on. Give it time and don't force it. But, also - you can't let that fear rule your mind.

This week has been difficult for me, as well. One of the nicest guys that I ride with crashed terribly on his lunchtime ride on Monday. I thought of you almost immediately when I heard what made him crash...it was a dog. But you know, just like you, this guy inspires me to no end. His injuries nearly killed him - I won't go into details here, but as he lays in his hospital bed this very minute, he is absolutely pining to get out there on his bike. It's love for the the bike, epitomized. There's just no stopping him. It's made me think about why we ride -- because we just love to. We accept the risks and what can happen, and we go out there and don't let it beat us. And if it does, so be it. That's what was meant to be -- at least those cyclists that you named were doing what they loved to do when they passed on. God, I can only hope I go the same way....doing something that I love to do.

So Em -- I speak for myself and probably the others in saying, do what you need to do to make your peace, but don't worry about us out there, or yourself, if that's what you love to do. If you love the bike as much as I think you do, you'll be back. See ya back on the road, girlfriend - this time with your Dad on your shoulder. ;)

-BikeMomma

[Selkie]

Emily - I'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope you find comfort in your memories and believe me, it does get a bit easier with time. Be advised that the first year without him will be the worst, but you can always post here if you need some hugs. He's your guardian angel. I lost my mom shortly before 9/11 and there are times when I still feel her with me. I know she's gone but she really hasn't left me because I'll always have her in my heart.

Like Gilly, I'm a bit of a chicken bike chick and I, too, found your courage to get back on your bike after your accident inspiring. That said, you have to do what's right for you. From reading your posts, I get the impression that you found much joy when riding your bike. I have had days where I've had some near misses---either on the street or the trail---and questioned whether or not biking was worth the risk. All it takes is one excellent ride to remind me how much I love it.

Life is risky and now that I'm over 40, I've become a more accepting of the things I can't control. Therefore, I've adopted a bit of a "if it's meant to be..." attitude and tried not to let my fear keep me from doing things. I can ride defensively and safely, but I can't be sure that drivers or other cyclists/trail users will do the same. About the bubba big truck factor, I don't know what to tell you. Be assured that those sort of a##h*&#s are everywhere, as evidenced by the many "jerk driver" posts on these forums. Maybe your cycling group/club can start a safety campaign with the local authorities or something?

Whatever you decide, you know that you'll always have friends here, ok?

[DirtDiva]

{{{Emily}}}

I wish I could be half as eloquent as the other ladies here, but just know that you and yours are in my thoughts.

[kim]

Emily,

I haven't checked into the forum in awhile either and yours was the first message I saw. I'm so sorry. I wish I could ease your pain.

[emily_in_nc]

All,

Wow, what an outpouring of kindness I've received here. I had hesitated in posting because I didn't want to bring anyone down, but I am glad that I did share my story, simply because your support and wishes mean the world to me.

I am 44 years old, older than a lot of people who lose their first parent, but I think until you do lose one of your parents, you live in sort of a bubble. When that bubble bursts, you are forced to grow up in a most difficult way. You have to face a future without someone you've known your entire life, whom you've been able to count on, and someone who knew you from day 1 and loved you unconditionally, in most cases. It seems almost unbearable, but I know I must move forward. I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't, and this entire incidence has definitely tested my faith. I'm not a traditionally religious person, but I have always believed that our souls live on after death. My dad had the mind of a scientist and didn't believe that. He believed that the light just turned off. I find that thought just unbearable, but I also find myself wondering if he was right after all.

As for riding, it's just way too early to tell. Even though I do love it, I do not want to die doing it. I don't usually let fear rule my life, but I do try to be appropriately cautious (i.e., I would never bungee jump nor sky dive). I think everyone has to pick that line in the sand of caution vs. risk for themselves, and right now, I think I need a break from riding to gain perspective. Right now I see death around every corner, and I know that's not the reality. I think that time off will do me good. Since my husband is in the same state of mind right now, he's not encouraging me to ride but to do other things with him that are equally good for us, like long woodland hikes. We are also taking our 20th anniversary trip to the British Virgin Islands the first two weeks in December (postponed from May due to my accident) and plan to do plenty of snorkeling, sailing, hiking, paddling, and enjoying the great Carribbean food and drink. I only hope I can enjoy myself, because this trip can't be postponed again.

I am rambling now. I just wanted to say thank you. Your words and the experiences that you've shared mean so much. I feel like I've just gotten a bunch of warm hugs from my extended family! Thank you for being there and for listening.

Emily

[MightyMitre]

I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't, and this entire incidence has definitely tested my faith.

I think I need a break from riding to gain perspective. Right now I see death around every corner, and I know that's not the reality. I think that time off will do me good. Since my husband is in the same state of mind right now, he's not encouraging me to ride but to do other things with him that are equally good for us, like long woodland hikes.
Emily

Hi Emily - MM here sending you hugs and best wishes and more hugs. So sorry to hear about your dad. So far, I've been extremely lucky and not lost anyone special or close to me but I have lost pets.

When I left home for university our family dog , who I'd grown up with for 15 years, died and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but several months later I had this amazing dream. There he was, I was patting him on the head and petting him . It was so real and it was if I'd finally got to say goodbye. I know he was 'only' a pet dog but I loved him, so I can only imagin what you must be going through to loose a parent.

As far as the bike goes, maybe a few months off is a good idea. Afterall it is winter now, so maybe it's worth taking a leaf out of the natural work and taking a rest while the weather (and life ) is cold and dark. Who knows what the spring may bring when the sun starts to warm the earth and all the little green shoots start to germinate and life begins again.

Best wishes and take care
Liz

[Trek420]

emily_in_nc wrote,

"I am 44 years old, older than a lot of people who lose their first parent, but I think until you do lose one of your parents, you live in sort of a bubble. When that bubble bursts, you are forced to grow up in a most difficult way."

I forget where I read this but someone wrote on the death of a parent that "She stood between me and death". At least that's been my feeling.

"I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't"

I don't think you can rush this. My best friend said that in her culture (her Dad's Carribean) these dreams are considered very favorable, like a visit from the deceased.

Mostly I find myself talking to him sometimes. Those WWJD lanyads, t-shirts and coffee cups? What Would Jack Do, what would my Dad say?

And when I'm with family and friends we share memories of Dad.

"I'm not a traditionally religious person, but I have always believed that our souls live on after death. My dad had the mind of a scientist and didn't believe that. He believed that the light just turned off. I find that thought just unbearable, but I also find myself wondering if he was right after all."

I'm honestly not sure my Dads thoughts of the afterlife, I think he had some chats with my brother about that. He was the son of a deeply religious man but he didn't follow traditional religion himself. I would say that anyone who met him, he followed the golden rule and cared deeply about his family and others.

I think the closest he got to church was outdoors in the garden.

I know your Dad would want you most of all to be happy, and for you to be well.

How did he react to your crash? Supportive of your recovery? Did he want you off the road? Or was he, like us, your cheering section? Take all the time you need to heal.

[tatormc]

Em, so sorry to hear of your loss and you are in my prayers.

It is interesting that you bring up your thoughts on riding as I had a similar conversation with a friend two days ago. She is in her mid 40's, has 4 kids, and loves to ride as she has knee problems and cycling is the only thing that doesn't bother her knees. Two days ago she went for a ride and was hit by a cars side mirror right on her butt. She kinda flew off her bike and ended up in the grass at the side of the road. She was not majorly hurt but it made her question cycling. Does she want to risk her life this way? Her husband is a casual rider and is concerned as he does not want to raise 4 kids alone. As I told her all we can do is be careful. As a cyclist follow all traffic laws and pay attention to your surroundings. Yes you can only do so much but if it's what you love then it's worth the risk. Right now she's thinking she'll stick to riding in groups instead of alone.

But anyhow it's probably a good idea to take time off and enjoy other activities and re-evaluate how you feel in the spring. Good luck to you!

[SalsaMTB]

Emily,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through and your hesitation to get back on a bike again is understandable. I wouldn't even think about the bicycle right now, just concentrate on healing yourself. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[go get em]

Emily-I am so sorry for your loss. I have never lost anyone close to me, so I have no idea what you must be going through. I just hope that you can enjoy the time, with your husband in the British Virgin Islands, I know your dad would want that for you.

[latelatebloomer]

Emily, I'm just so sorry. You have done so much for others, encouraging us all in our trials big and small, I'm glad you took the time to reach out to us and tell us what you're feeling. You dealt with your accident with such grace and might, and you will come through this too. Take it all in very small bites, and do all that you can to soothe yourself, body and soul. It's not the time for challenges or decisions. The earth is still turning - let her do the work, and you rest and grieve all you need.

[cusepack]

Emily -

Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time in your life. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve and work on healing your soul. I understand how very difficult the task may feel at the moment, but take one day at a time and be good to you. You will know when you're ready to get back on your road bike, and until that time, enjoy your other activities knowing your bike will always be there.

Kathryn

[Ninabike]

Dear Emily,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. I have lost both of my parents so I can share some of what you are going through. You need to give youself some time. Don't feel pressured to make any final decisions about anything, including your future cycling. You may step away from it for a while, but it will always be there for you if you want it. Just give youself time!!! And be sure to keep posting on the TE forum!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Nina

[bikerchick68]

Emily... you've experienced 2 pretty traumatic events in a very short time... a bad accident, thereby forcing you to face your own mortality and then the death of your father... life can be so damned unfair... I can imagine that you are only in the very early stages of the grieving process... I am a Crisis Interventionist with the local PD so I have a little experience on the topic of grief and grieving...

just know that there are steps to the process... and you can move in and out of them for some time and it's OK and healthy to do so... bargaining, denial, anger, depression and acceptance... here is something you may find insightful:

The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that can never be generalized in 5 steps. In fact, as will be shown, a person will generally have to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can even begin.

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Car Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."
This is not a trivial example. In fact, we all go through this process numerous times a day. A dead battery, the loss of a parking space, a wrong number, the loss of a pet, a job, a move to another city, an overdrawn bank account, etc. Things to remember are:

Any Change Of Circumstance can cause us to go through this process.

We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously.

We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years.

The intensity and duration of the reaction depends on how significant the change-produced loss is perceived.
It was mentioned above that Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the 5 Stages of Grief. Let's throw out the 5 stages of grief and replace it with a greater understanding of Grief Recognition and Resolution.


Here is another link that you may find comforting... it is an online grief and memorial sight... there are chat rooms where you can spill your feelings and talk to others who HAVE lost loved ones in car accidents or other traumatic ways... it has been checked out and approved for Crisis Intervention use by SDPD... so I am sure it is a safe site OK?

www.groww.org

Hugs my friend... be sure to take care of you and if you need to talk, tho we've not met in person, I am here to listen... I'd be happy to share my email, cell number etc... just let me know...

[CorsairMac]

oh Em - now I understand why you've been in my thoughts lately. Either last night or the night before during my ride home I realized I hadn't seen you in awhile and was starting to worry. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. A sudden loss is always the most difficult to bear. I can only imagine how special he must have been, having had the pleasure of meeting his daughter - even if it is only online!
I also understand your concerns about riding, there are days when I think I can't take the traffic anymore, or the idiots drivers that don't - or won't - see me, days where I wonder why I'm doing this when I could be doing something else, but they are outweighed by the days where I can't tell where my legs stop and the bike starts, days where the beauty of the world is so overwhelming I thank God I'm alive to see it, days where I wonder "just how Does the other half live?". No matter what your decision, I"m sure it will be the right one for you, just don't let THEM make it for you.

[massbikebabe]

Emily...

May God's love and the love of your family and friends, (including those of us at TE) carry you thru this difficult time.

karen

[Grog]

All of my thoughts are with you Emily... It is a very hard moment to go through. You don't have to make any big decisions now.

Good luck.

[Surlygirl]

Emily, I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad 6 years ago to a massive heart attack. I think about and miss him every day. I swear I cried every day for a month and it took a year before I could look at pictures or talk about him without tears.
Take your time and let yourself grieve. Eventually you think of all the happy times instead of the loss. I am so very sorry.

[Blueberry]

(((((HUG)))))

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. I can only imagine what you're going through - especially losing someone so suddenly.

I can also appreciate your concerns about cycling around here in light of the recent chatter on the tarwheels list. I do think that they are mostly isolated instances and that cycling remains *relatively* safe. You have to do what you're passionate about and what makes life enjoyable for *you*. If you can do that without cycling, then great! If not, then you have a tough decision to make. Time will help, and you'll know what's right for you.

Carrie Anne

[ACG]

I am very sorry for your loss. The anniversary of my dad's death is just around the corner Dec.17. His was unexpected. My thoughts are with you.

Many times when I'm down, I think, what would dad say? The sound 'in my head' of his voice helps me.

I started cycling after my dad died, it has really helped me to become a more happy person.

Do what feels right for you right now.

We are all thinking of you and wishing you the best!

[doc]

Emily
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I have both of my parents and cannot imagine what you are going through. Follow your inner voice and do what feels right to you.

[wabisabi]

This is sad, and I hope that this community can help to hold you in your grieving process. True, there are risks in this passion of ours, and also a lot of joy, as you know.

[laughlaugh18]

Emily,

My thoughts to you, as well.

If I can throw a little lightness into the mix - just want to warn you about the dreaded but little reported problem known as PLFS (Post-Loss Forgetfulness Syndrome). Keys - gone. Doctor's appointment - oops. Reason you got up to go into the next room - forgotten. Bottom step on the stairs that's been there forever - ouch. (believe me, perimenopausal forgetfullness has nothing on PLFS!)

When my mom died I had PLFS for months and months and months, way longer than my rational brain thought was fair. I'd get so frustrated with myself. Now I know to be more patient - big loss is such a shock to the system, so the system sometimes just fritzes out.

My wish for you is that you take it easy on yourself for as long as you need. Peace will come - in its own time, and in your own way.

Cathy

[Yasmin]

All,

Wow, what an outpouring of kindness I've received here. I had hesitated in posting because I didn't want to bring anyone down, but I am glad that I did share my story, simply because your support and wishes mean the world to me.

I am 44 years old, older than a lot of people who lose their first parent, but I think until you do lose one of your parents, you live in sort of a bubble. When that bubble bursts, you are forced to grow up in a most difficult way. You have to face a future without someone you've known your entire life, whom you've been able to count on, and someone who knew you from day 1 and loved you unconditionally, in most cases. It seems almost unbearable, but I know I must move forward. I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't, and this entire incidence has definitely tested my faith. I'm not a traditionally religious person, but I have always believed that our souls live on after death. My dad had the mind of a scientist and didn't believe that. He believed that the light just turned off. I find that thought just unbearable, but I also find myself wondering if he was right after all.

As for riding, it's just way too early to tell. Even though I do love it, I do not want to die doing it. I don't usually let fear rule my life, but I do try to be appropriately cautious (i.e., I would never bungee jump nor sky dive). I think everyone has to pick that line in the sand of caution vs. risk for themselves, and right now, I think I need a break from riding to gain perspective. Right now I see death around every corner, and I know that's not the reality. I think that time off will do me good. Since my husband is in the same state of mind right now, he's not encouraging me to ride but to do other things with him that are equally good for us, like long woodland hikes. We are also taking our 20th anniversary trip to the British Virgin Islands the first two weeks in December (postponed from May due to my accident) and plan to do plenty of snorkeling, sailing, hiking, paddling, and enjoying the great Carribbean food and drink. I only hope I can enjoy myself, because this trip can't be postponed again.

I am rambling now. I just wanted to say thank you. Your words and the experiences that you've shared mean so much. I feel like I've just gotten a bunch of warm hugs from my extended family! Thank you for being there and for listening.

EmilyHi again Emily. I know you've heard from me before re the Very sad loss of your father. I'll share a little about me in the hope it helps.
My father left home when I was 2&1/2yrs. My mother was a diagnosed (at 74yrs) paranoid schizophrenic. She came from an obscenely wealthy family who threw money at problems to make them go away. She also never married, so my brother & I have no claim to any of the trust funds (British law..we were born over there & emmigrated to Australia when I was 12, also a "family" manipulation to get rid of us). Mum died on 8th Dec 2004. I have no parents & our wealthy cousins came to Australia to see how close mum was to "dropping off the perch" without catching up with my brother & me. They don't want to know about the bast***s in the "colonies:. Mum was not a "nice" schizophrenic. She was prone to violent out bursts & threatened to slit our throats when we were asleep as children. Our lives were a living hell.
Dispite all of this I believe in what is good & pure in life. The legacy I live with is depression, which is why cycling has been such a gift to me. I chose not to have children because there is a 10% chance my child could be schizophrenic & I know I couldn't go through that again. I'm not a traditionally religious person either, although I was brought up catholic. But one thing I do know...there is a force WAY GREATER than us mere mortals. We also have the FREE WILL to attract either good or bad into our lives. Your dad is still with you & caring for you. You don't need to be in a human made building called a church in order to summons his presence. This "force" has saved my life more than once. What I'm telling you is very real & very intimate. I don't usually share this with anyone, & now I'm publishing it on a web site...go figure!. You may not feel your dad, but he is there. You'll dream of him soon enough...when your own personal cloud has lifted & when your sub-conscious can handle it.
All power to you Nancy. There are lots of us who really care for you & your situation...even if we've never met you face to face.
Take care & depend on what's good in life.
Yasmin xxx

[Trek420]

laughlaugh18

"(believe me, perimenopausal forgetfullness has nothing on PLFS!)"

OMG I have both

[RoadRaven]

Oh Emily... anything I want to write I think has been said

I am so glad Biker chick outlined the stages of grief for you... I teach bereavement and its effects on children to my students. I think that one thing I could add here is that grief is not just about death.

Your father's passing (((hugs))) comes on top of a long period of you grieving for your cycling and your body as you knew it as your pelvis mended and you strived to find confidence again.

Now you are choosing a descision that will have you grieving again, for more than your lovely Dad.

Be gentle with yourself, take time, allow yourself time to be angry and depressed, to blame and to be glad...

I have thought for some time about you wishing to still have contact with your father... sometimes we look so hard it is hard to see or feel the ones we love, and it may be it will be years before your sense him with you.

Look at the children in your lives... do any of them look past you, over your shoulder perhaps? and seem to be seeing someone there? I know several children that do this, and the ones old enough to speak talk about family members just standing there, smiling... children see things that we forget how to see as adults...

Talk about your father, even if that means tears with your memories, as long as people live in your heart they are with you. All of my children know my Nana and Poppa well even though he died before I married and she died before my oldest turned 5. And I still cry sometimes. They all know the two babies I lost before term... it is important that we help them to live in our lives even though this is hard sometimes...

Perhaps you can find quiet places that were special to him or you or both of you... spend time just being there, not seeking anything, just being...

And don't forget you will see him in the eyes and smiles of your children and grandchild... he will always be with all of you as long as you wish him to be, even though he is not so easy to feel or hear now...

Arohanui, Emily
Kia kaha, kia manawanui
Awhi-awhi ki a koe


Much love
Be strong, be of good heart and have faith in yourself
Many hugs and support for you


I shall ask the Goddess to hold your heart gently in Her hands, and keep you safe and strong.

[Dogmama]

Emily, you have my thoughts and prayers on your loss. Take the time you need to heal.

On the cycling front, I've been there. I take lots of precautions and I'm still aware that we're engaging in a dangerous sport. But take heart. Statistically, we run into each other more often than we run into cars. :eek:

Seriously, you need to do what is in your heart. Maybe you need a break to re-evaluate your priorities in life. You've been through a lot. You might be receiving signs that a change is in order for you.

Take good care of yourself.

[emily_in_nc]

And don't forget you will see him in the eyes and smiles of your children and grandchild... he will always be with all of you as long as you wish him to be, even though he is not so easy to feel or hear now...

Unfortunately, my husband and I were never able to have children. We dealt with years of infertility followed by a miscarriage after a finally successful IVF (our second). That was one of my other grieving periods in life, eight years ago. I thought I would never recover from that, but I have, and that gives me hope that I will someday recover from this latest wound.

Also, my only brother had a brief, early marriage and has never remarried (he is now 40), so he has not as yet had any children. So, my dad had no grandchildren by blood. My step-sister, whom he adopted after her bio. father deserted her and her mother, has two children, and Dad loved them, but there are no biological grandchildren to look like or remind me of Dad.

Perhaps one day there will be, if my brother can ever find lasting love again - I hope for that all the time. Perhaps now, with the loss of our father, he'll feel an even stronger push to do that and to eventually have a family. He'd be a great dad.

But thanks for the thought - you didn't know, of course, about our childlessness.

And thanks to ALL the posters here - I am simply overwhelmed with your kindness and the personal experiences some of you have shared. I wish I had the time and energy to answer you all personally, but please accept my gratitude. Each and ever post touched my heart.

Emily

[kmoty]

Emily, with everyone else who's written, you've been in my thoughts often since you shared your sad news. I'm sure there are others who can't quite find their own way to say what so many have said so eloquently--I'm terribly, terribly sorry. I care about you, however odd that seems from someone you've never met. I value your willingness to share yourself, your courage, and your passion. I know you'll heal emotionally as you've healed physically. You need to do it in your own way, on your own schedule. Take as much time as you need.

When you feel you can keep us posted on how you're doing, I hope you will. We're pulling for you.

Karen

[emily_in_nc]

...
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.[/COLOR]
...
Here is another link that you may find comforting... it is an online grief and memorial sight... there are chat rooms where you can spill your feelings and talk to others who HAVE lost loved ones in car accidents or other traumatic ways... it has been checked out and approved for Crisis Intervention use by SDPD... so I am sure it is a safe site OK?

www.groww.org

Hugs my friend... be sure to take care of you and if you need to talk, tho we've not met in person, I am here to listen... I'd be happy to share my email, cell number etc... just let me know...

Thank you, bc68. I will definitely check out the site you mention. It sounds like it could be helpful. Even though the "honeymoon" (ironic term) period is still not quite over (I'm still getting calls, emails, and letters; people are still asking me how I'm doing at work, and such), I'm definitely in the "E" stage above...I can't imagine experiencing the grief will get worse than these past two weeks have been, but never having gone through grief of this magnititude before, I can't say that for sure, I know.

I do have one question for you because of your professional knowledge. Do you think our trip to the BVIs is a bad idea? We had it planned for May, for our 20th anniversary, and had to postpone it because of my fractured pelvis. During the summer, we rescheduled for the first two weeks in December. Barry offered to cancel it again under the circumstances, but this time we would lose a great deal of money if we cancel.

I can't help but think that a chance of scenery might do me good - the warm sunshine, the friendly people, the beautiful turquoise water, the activities, and the focus on my marriage, which has been pushed to the background lately as I've been so focused on my biological family. Sure, it won't be the trip I dreamed of, exactly, because the loss is going to be on my mind - especially on Dec. 7th, which would have been Dad's 72nd birthday - but I hate to give up the the trip. What do you think? Bad idea? Good idea? Or just impossible to say? I do find myself somewhat looking forward to it, not with my previous gung-ho enthusiasm, but it does seem like fun compared to going to work and hanging out at home.

I also am sure that Dad wouldn't want me to miss out on it grieving for him.

Thanks for your help, wishes, and kindness....

Emily

[annie]

Emily,

My heart aches for you in this time of loss! Losing someone that is so much a part of your life can seem almost unbearable. But you bear it - you go on - even tho' some days you wonder why. And it eventually gets easier. You find yourself actually forgetting your sorrow for brief bits of time. Then those times get longer. You'll never feel quite the same again, but you'll come to find a new "normal" in your life. And it will be okay....

It's been difficult for me to read all these posts. It has been almost a year since I lost my mother and sometimes, I still cannot believe she's gone. The hurt and pain were overwhelming at the time, but I always knew I was a strong person. I knew it would get better. It has. It will for you.

One thing I found that helped, was to ALLOW myself to feel joy in life and not to wallow in sorrow and pity for poor me. I put effort into other parts of my life. I had very much support from family and friends. I got out and biked or hiked and kept very busy. You have to give your mind and body a break from feeling sad. My opinion, such as it is, is that you definitely should go on your vacation! Get away, see new sights. It will revitalize you and your hubby. This has had to be very hard on him, also. Have a great time. You know your Dad would want you to.

As for the bike riding - you can take a break for now! The bike isn't going to go anywhere. It'll be waiting for you whenever you feel ready to try it again. For myself, I now see life as being too short and too uncertain. We only have so much time and I won't back off on something I love as much as biking. For me, the risks are worth it. But you've got to find the level of risk that YOU are comfortable with.

((((((((((())))))))))))) and blessings,

annie

[Yasmin]

Hi Emily.
I've just read your post about whether you should holiday or not. Unless I have it wrong, I read that even though you (& your husband) would still feel grief, the change would be beneficial. Unfortunately it is not going to be the holiday you wished for when you first booked it. Your accident, then your dad's sad demise...but if your heart tells you to go, you should go. You don't know what you could gain from it if you remain at home. It may bring it's own form of healing in a way you could not have forseen.
Still thinking of you & sending you healing love,
Yasmin.

[SandyLS]

Emily,
I am so sorry for your loss. I just got back from visiting my Mom and Dad who are 86 and 87 years old and both suffering from different degrees of dementia. After reading your post last night I made sure to hug them extra tight before leaving them today. Take all the time you need to heal.

[Crankin]

Sorry about your Dad, Emily. May his memory be a blessing. I guess I wanted to say something about the cycling part of your post. I haven't read the items on the other lists about the cyclists who were killed, although I have read the things on this list. I don't like reading them, but I force myself to. I am not much of a risk taker and I am constantly thinking about safety when planning a ride. There are several intersections around here that I avoid because I don't want to deal with them. I do ride on main roads and country roads without shoulders, though, because if i didn't, I wouldn't be riding at all. And this brings me to my point; we can't live in constant fear of what could happen. Cycling seems to have been such an important part of your life, it might help you to deal with the grief. I think taking a break is good, if you can deal with the mental aspect of it. If the other physical activities do the same thing for you as cycling, then it's OK. Physical activity is such an important aspect in recovering from any emotional thing, so I say, do whatever is helping you to deal with the stress.

[snowtulip]

Emily, so sorry, take things at your own pace in all that you do. Grieving, cycling, etc. take the amount of time that your heart needs...but keep that spirit and life alive in whatever you choose to do.

[RoadRaven]

Unfortunately, my husband and I were never able to have children... But thanks for the thought - you didn't know, of course....



Scurries off to write a note to Emily... sorry Emily, I somehow had remembered a post of yours that mentioned a child but it was obviously someone elses... should have gone and double-checked...

[bikerchick68]

Do you think our trip to the BVIs is a bad idea?

I also am sure that Dad wouldn't want me to miss out on it grieving for him.

Thanks for your help, wishes, and kindness....

Emily

Emily... I think this trip could be very good if you allow it to be... give yourself permission to smile and feel joy during this time. It in no way diminishes your grief or sense of loss for your father... finding a moment of joy doesn't mean the pain is magically gone.

also I wanted to mention that it's OK and healthy to tell people what you need of them... I don't know Barry but if he is like most people he may feel the need to try to "fix it" for you... and this is natural. He may be feeling the need to find something to say or do to ease your pain... and you may just need to vent and have him listen without offering any words. If you find yourself in that position just ask for what you need. "I need to vent, can you please just let me without saying anything?" If you need to be held while you cry... ask... this is not something most people deal with daily and many are at a loss what to do to help. The one thing I know for sure is that there IS nothing that can fix it... Try to be gentle with yourself... everything you feel, from anger, to sorrow, to joy is valid... hugs.