Reconnecting and patching up an old friendship

[Reesha]

I feel sure that I'm not the only one who has been through this, but I did something this morning that I'd been meaning to do for the last four years or so. Facebook presented me with an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend from about 6 years ago. After some trepidation and a long message writing/revising session, I decided to send him a bit of an apology and express that I'd be glad to be friends again.

Some backstory:

In 2005, I had just left graduate school feeling disgraced, was on the downward slope with my boyfriend of 5 years when I wound up working at this fantastic outdoor science education center. College had left me a bit numb... it was almost like I forgot how to be me. I stopped drawing, riding my bike. I got a boyfriend and life revolved around schoolwork (Geology-- which I did indeed love) and then hanging out with my boyfriend and three friends. I did not seize upon this opportunity to develop socially, rather, I entered a five year stasis of sorts. When I ended up at this new outdoor ed center, a door opened.

This co-worker and I clicked immediately-- we had instant rapport. The lonely, empty self started to remember what it was like to be spontaneous, creative and wacky when I was around him. At first, I couldn't decide if I idolized him or was in love with him. I practically wanted to be him-- he had many incredible qualities. Our other friend Chuck said it best: "he is magic". To this day I'm not sure if it was really love, or just deep adoration for someone who helped me to shake up my life again. We would take spontaneous trips to the ocean and hike for miles and miles. We'd swim at night and other times we'd write and record songs together. There was no question that I meant a lot to him and that he meant a lot to me. At the time I thought I was madly in love with him, but our relationship was never physical. Afterward, I started to realize that he might be gay and struggling to come out based on some of the songs he'd written and some of the things he tried to say but never could.

I let him know how I felt on a few different occasions over a couple months and I think he was hoping he could still keep the friendship the way it was because I was important to him. That was confusing to me and I pressed the issue, which eventually broke the friendship. He realized we needed a clean break and we went our separate ways. This step was critical, and I let go of it all and moved on to become more mature, wiser, stronger and all the other good things he helped me to realize again. I have incredible fondness for him, but the infatuation with him is over. Still, it devastates me sometimes to think that our friendship might never be again. I'm a firm believer in having multiple soul-mates, be them friends, lovers, family etc. He was my soul-friend, someone who inspired me to be more.

Now realizing that some relationships are meant to be short, I took a chance and sent him that message. I explained the things that I didn't recognize about myself back then-- why I needed him so much after college. I also told him that I regretted putting him in difficult and awkward situations and that felt sorry that I misinterpreted his friendship. I spent enough time being angry at him in 2006 that I'm at least willing to take responsibility for my part in the end of our friendship. My message wasn't all gloom and doom, I gave him a brief update of where I am now and what I'm up to toward the end.

It would really warm my heart to be able to start our friendship anew and I'm hoping that he'll agree.

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation? Is it normal to feel this much about this sort of thing? It was a difficult year at times, but he genuinely changed my life in many positive ways. I suppose I'm just anxious because I thought about writing to him to clear the air for so long and now that I've done it, I'm kind of like "now what?".

Heh, I think I'm just looking for others to justify something that I was hesitant about. I suppose I'm still hesitant! My other reaction was to block him so I wouldn't have to face all of the things it stirs up-- the embarrassment, the highs, the lows, the fun. Looks like I'm in the thick of it.

Thoughts welcome!

[OakLeaf]

Good luck, I hope you get the response you're looking for.

I said something I shouldn't have to a dear friend in 1983. I have to say I didn't and still don't think it was bad enough for him to sever our relationship forever, but I made several attempts to apologize over the years and have never heard from him again. With the advent of the Internet, I know I could contact him again. But I don't see the point. It's still a little raw spot of regret in my heart. :(

[lph]

To be perfectly honest - I think you'll be disappointed. I think your perception of him is probably heavily coloured by the way you needed him at the time, and it will be hard for him to live up to that ideal. A relationship truly does develop between two people and the way they are and what they need at a specific time. That's not to say you can't redevelop a good friendship. But it will be new, not the same relationship I think you probably, subconsciously, remember. I don't know this, these are just my thoughts based on my own experience and the way I read your story :) You have changed and have insight on yourself, but you still only have your "old" picture of him.

I admire you for taking contact! That took courage and maturity. I hope you work things out. But it may be just a good way to clear the air and end on a better note. Or maybe not, maybe you can pick it up and reshape it into something different. But you may have to prepared for this new friendship not being as important to him as the old one was.

I wish you the best of luck! I hope you find some way that makes you happy.

[shootingstar]

As lph mentioned today and future, the friendship will be different.

Both you and he were different folks. You have each changed when embarking on separate paths in life.

Best to say hello and just to catch up on latest. Celebrate recent accomplishments. That's all.

[Reesha]

I completely agree... I'm not expecting anything to be the same exactly. In fact, I wouldn't want it to be that way... we had a very immature sort of co-dependent relationship. I'm sure any friendship we had now would be permanently colored by what went down between us back then, but he is an interesting guy and we both teach science now. There is still much in common. Plus, he is 1200 miles away so it would be a relationship of correspondence.

Thank you for your input! I know it is a sign of maturity that I'm doing it and that I actually pushed the send button (I've tried to write this very letter before). Hopefully he'll at least accept my apology for my part in it and at least make some peace :)

[goldfinch]

Good luck! There really isn't anything to lose by trying to reconnect.

I had a best friend who was also my cousin throughout grade school and into high school. Then for some reason she got angry with me. I never knew why. I do know that I was a difficult person in high school so it very well could have been my fault. She never spoke to me again.

And 40 years pass.

I became FB friends with her sisters, my other cousins that I had not seen for many, many years. However, they are not very active on FB. I sent a friend request to my long lost friend and cousin. I sent a message along with saying that I know I was difficult in high school but that people change, would she be interesting in reconnecting? I never got a response to the message or the friend request. Oh well. I eventually withdrew the friend request.

[badger]

good luck, and keep us posted, I'm curious too, if he'll respond!

I'm glad you were able to express yourself and apologize to him, even if he doesn't respond. The ball's in his court, so it's up to him if he wants to open that door again. If not, well, you have no more regrets in trying.

[indysteel]

Good for you for trying. I hope you're able to reconnect and if you don't, you can at least rest assured that you've come a long way since you were first friends.

I've lost a handful of friends over the years. The one that makes me the saddest is a friend that I lost in 2006. We'd known each other a few years when I helped her through a pretty difficult divorce. At the time, she was living in Denver, having moved there with her then-husband in 2005. When she moved back to Indy in January of 2006, things were fine at first, but she soon started to seem rather distant to me. She wouldn't return calls and when I would talk to her or see her, it was if there was an elephant in the room. Something was just not right.

At one point, I asked her if anything between us was wrong and she assured me that it wasn't. From there, we started to talk less and less. I was in the middle of my own difficult relationship and breakup at that time and, in I was just so hurt all the way around, that I eventually let the friendship just expire. Not that she was putting up any kind of a fight about it.

It pains me that I never pressed her to discuss what was going on with us. We never exchanged a harsh word and never openly had any kind of disagreement, so for the friendship to just die on the vine seemed so weird.
I've known several people in my life like my former friend. They're incredibly charismatic and are used to having people sort of falling at their feet to be their friend. I was one of those people. They're not very good at reciprocating the friendship though, at least unless they're getting something at the moment from you. That's sort of what I suspect happened. When she returned from Denver, she started hanging out with a group of coworkers who were very social and "fun." She needed that. What she apparently didn't need any more was a shoulder to cry on. At least that's my hunch.

But I miss her. She and I have both married since then, and it pains me that we've both moved onto really happy things without the other sharing a bit in it. I've never given any serious thouight to reconnecting. For me, it's just been better to move on.

[Roadtrip]

Wow, I hadn't realized so many of us had relationships like this!! I've had two friendships that I felt a strong emotional bond with these friends, but we drifted.. and drifted.

I've tried to press the one into what was wrong or what I did, but ultimately gave up and just let go. Surprisingly we are Facebook "friends" but do not talk.

The second friendship was a long distance friendship and I was young, so of course I was preoccupied with life and was drifted apart. We would ocationally find one another and catch up and I found she had a Facebook page and friended her... only to find she had can cancer and was really sick. We only exchanged a few emails after that where I found she was in the middle of round two of an aggressive chemotherapy and was real sick. We cleared the air so to speak and a month or so later, she passed away, so I was glad we reconnected when we did if even for a moment. While it still hurts knowing shes not there I can smile at the fun times we had together!

Good luck!!

[VeganBikeChick]

Good Luck with your email, Reesha. I hope you get to reconnect, or some sort of closure, whichever you wish for.

I had a friend that I only knew for a couple of months a few years ago. We were both travel nurses so we had that in common. However, she was very outspoken, abrasive, and irritated by the small things in life. I enjoyed her friendship in that we got to do things together (i.e., I wasn't so lonely all the time) and she was very social so I got invited to many events through her, but eventually her personality wore on me and I made the mistake of telling her once that I thought she was a bit abrasive.

She didn't take my opinion well and ceased all contact with me. I find myself constantly looking her up on facebook and wishing I had kept my mouth shut, but I wonder why. I have a need to be liked and be a "people-pleaser", and it makes me sad that she didn't want to be friends any longer. I know I need to just forget about the friendship and put it in my past, but am finding it very difficult.

[Reesha]

I got a response from him and an explanation from him. I was not expecting as much, but it appears we have both matured.

As others have pointed out, the chances of us being friends again look like they might not happen. He mentioned that I'd done something that I do not recall doing (although it doesn't sound beyond me). If it did happen it was because of a terrible immaturity and lack of intuition on my part. Embarasses me to think about it.

It feels really really good to hear from him and to have him at least give me an inkling of what was happening with him at the time. I was pretty much in the dark although in retrospect I had started to suspect that he was deeply wrapped up in his own conflicts (which he now confirmed). I think the most important thing he expressed (and it really brings tears to my eyes) is that in that year I was about as important to him as he was to me and for terribly similar and yet starkly different reasons.

I really did not expect him to go into details. He was always very private when we knew each other.

This is surprisingly a best-possible result.

[Reesha]

I replied back to him, went into a bit more detail about how it was his value that was beyond being a crush that really messed things up. I had a real desperate need for the inspiration he was feeding me and I'd transferred dependency from one place to him. I just thought I needed to understand him, when really what I needed was to know myself.

I thanked him for his thoughtful response; I told him FB friendship was not necessary. I let go of that possibility.

It's so liberating to be able to speak openly on the topic though, hot damn.

[emily_in_nc]

So glad you got some closure, Reesha. Relationships that end without it have a way of eating away at us. It sounds like you've found some peace, which is a wonderful thing.

[lph]

Well done Reesha.

[OakLeaf]

<warm smile>

[Tri Girl]

So glad it turned out well, Reesha! Proud of you that you made the connection again- that took a lot of courage/maturity. I'm glad you got what you were looking for. Whew! :)

[mariacycle]

Reesha, that took a lot of courage... I'm so glad that he treated you with the the amount of respect that we all hoped he would :)

[Reesha]

Well, I certainly wouldn't have expected him to mean... it's not in his nature in the slightest. I kind of expected him to gloss over events and just make buoyant small talk and then drop the conversation thread and forget we ever met lol!

I'm glad he's grown up a lot and is brave enough to take on what happened head on. He was spot on when he called what happened between us a 'perfect storm'. He was in maximum oblivious-and-wrapped-up-in-issues-but-seeking-safety-in-a-friend mode and I was in maximum co-dependent-looking-for-someone-to-fill-my-hole-mode. I'm glad we both understand what happened now and I'm glad he doesn't hold anything against me anymore.

He just said that being 'whats-up' friends with me wouldn't feel right and I kind of agree. As people we have a lot of potential to be really wonderful friends with lots in common and settling for the lamest form-- facebook 'whats-up' friends-- isn't really worth it.